Hey guys thanks for replying! I think you are both right. There has always been a small element of ‘this will show them’ in whoever I have been attracted to, available or otherwise. The them being kids from my middle school who ostracized me. I do also think being with an available man is not n option for me because I wouldn’t know how to be in that situation, or like normal healthy relationships just feel like they happen to other people, they aren’t really ssomething I can understand or am meant for.

Hey guys. I’ve had some space in the past two weeks from this second person I was attracted to. Here is what I’ve realized: When I first met him I found him manipulative. I was wary of him, tried to keep some space. Overtime, he started paying me very focused attention and (I) responded to it, despite still not liking him. Then, over some more time I purposefully started ignoring the parts of him that I did not like, because that would take away from the attention he was giving me. I basically ignored every danger sign I had picked up on. Then he suddenly switched his attention to someone else, and I reacted very strongly to the withdrawal of attention. Basically I would’ve done anything to get that attention back. Thank god I had some space, not of my own choice but because of circumstance. This is basically a confessional, because I feel I need to own my parts in this, in order to be more aware of them in the future.
(self esteem is still crap, still feeling terrible, no hope, but I can see myself getting to a point of hope soon, and aint that something!!)