Dear Pradeep:

When it comes to a serious addiction to a substance or an activity (like gaming), it is most often futile to try moderation and the only way to put a stop to the addiction is to remove access to the substance or the activity. After some time of no access, the very strong habit, aka addiction, comes to an end.

There is a website, olganon. org, standing for On-Line Gamers Anonymous. It has a section called: “For parents of adult children (18+) with video game problems“. In it, it reads: “What to do?… There are parental control programs, though most adult children who are computer-savvy will hack right around these… Cancel your internet access if you feel that you and the rest of the family can get along without it. If you cannot cancel the access entirely, consider switching to dial-up. This does make it more difficult, though not completely impossible, to play most sophisticated (games)”.

It also reads: “You and all the other adults in the house (spouse, significant other, grandparents) must be on the same page as much as possible about this“-  which means your wife needs to be on the same page as you.

And it reads: “Be sympathetic to your child. These games were designed by experts using well-known (psychological) principles to draw your child in and keep him there. This is not his/her fault. It is also not your fault so don’t waste time beating up on yourself with what ifs…  Welcome to OLG-Anon. We are here for you“.

I hope to read more from you, maybe together we can figure things out.

anita

How are you, Pradeep, and how is your son?

anita

Hello Pradeep,

Tee here 🙂

I am sorry about your skin allergy – wish you a speedy recovery!!

I think you are bang on – he does have low self esteem and all the other issues you mentioned. Though I can’t figure out why because right from his childhood his mom quite her job to be with the children and I eased up at 40 to be available to my kids and have supported them throughout.

Hm, I don’t want to speculate why he might have developed low self-esteem, nor am I saying that it is your (his parents’) fault that he is like that. It seems you and your wife did everything to provide him a nice childhood, not just materially but also emotionally, since e.g. your wife quit her job so she can spend more time with the children. And it sounds like you were not an “absent father” either – you said you were quite supportive too.

If you feel you provided enough emotional support, without too much criticism, scolding, or making him feel like he isn’t good enough – well then, it’s not your fault. There could be other reasons for his low self-esteem, e.g. his school (bullying by his peers, just as one possible example). Or his sensitive nature as well. Or a mix of both.

Whatever the reason, he is an adult now and should take responsibility for himself. The fact that he is behaving irresponsibly and gets angry and dismissive if you even bring it up – shows that he isn’t willing to take responsibility for himself. He isn’t willing to look at his problem and address it, but wants to behave a little like a “spoiled child” and wants you to leave him alone.

Your wife might be somewhat of an enabler, fearing that if she is strict with him and sets some boundaries, it will be even worse.

Dr. Henry Cloud, a clinical psychologist, has a very interesting video on the topic of parents as enablers, and how to deal with problematic adult children. The video is titled “Breaking Codependent Patterns with Adult Kids“, and I recommend you watch it. I don’t know how much it applies to your son, but the point is that you as his parents should not be the source of help, but a bridge for him to find help (e.g. you should encourage him to seek therapy). Your role is to strengthen his capacity to help himself.

You may e.g. demand that he goes to therapy, or that he wakes up every day at a certain time, otherwise you can’t have him stay at your house, for example. The point is that the current situation isn’t helping him and I think you need to set some boundaries. You don’t need to be cruel with him, but you can set boundaries lovingly. Let me know how this sounds…

Dear Pradeep:

You are welcome and I am glad that Tee’s quality input and guidance has been so helpful to you! Reads to me that you are a good father: logical, sensible, realistic… and empathetic, and that you are on the right track!

anita