fbpx
Menu

help me stabilize my life

Home→Forums→Relationships→help me stabilize my life

New Reply
Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • November 15, 2014 at 1:18 am #67853
    mehtanatasha6
    Participant

    Hi all, finally I could gather courage to ask for help. It has been long time I am seeking help after reading various topics here. But somehow I am not finding a permanent solution. So here it goes. I am a 30 yr old woman from karela. Got married 4 years back after being in a relationship for a year. Everything was fine but after 2 years of marriage I was not happy with my husband. He was never at fault. But he is not upto my expectations. Then I realized I was expecting something which he cant give. I wanted that extra care, love, pampering and passionate partner when it comes to being physical. My husband is is a very simple guy and it’s not his fault that I am not happy. During the third year of my marriage, I was instantly attracted to one of my colleague and had a secret crush on him. He also liked me. And we started chatting all these time. I was getting carried away with this extra caring and love. This turned out to be physical and was superb. My colleague is married but we still were in this relationship. This is going on till date. My colleague has become a father of a girl a year back. I was happy fo him as he was too happy to be a proud father. Since then he is not finding time for me. My ithensity of love is the some for him but his is not I guess. He tries but but I still am not sure that he is so busy. He hardly finds time to go coffee or dinner or lunch. Whenever he is willing we meet for a good (intimate)time to spend personally with each other. But then I have noticed whenever he wants he will have time. Then he will be sweet. But later he gets busy.I get upset and we often fight.He has become my emotional support. I can’t spend a single day without contacting him. Though this all is going on, I am taking good care of my husband. My problem is that I am not been able to make myself understand that now my colleagues priorities have changed, so I have to let go if he does not have time for me. I am still stuck and he is normal and enjoys every day of his life, with and without family. I have lost the happiness. Feels like we are drifting apart. My problem is I cannot control my emotions and then end up with an argument with him. And then feel lonely all the time till he remembers me to meet and get intimate. I hate the time when he does not remember me. I feel I am like a fungus on him. Don’t want to let him leave me even for a day. This has affected my work and my life. I don’t take interest in other friends and have ended up having hardly 2 friends. I feel miserable. I keep on thinking only of my colleague and wait for him to call me to meet coz I feel that is the only time he is completely with me. Is this a sign of toxic dependency. I am sacred of going psycho. Pls help me, I have never shared this part of life with anyone’s in this world. Pls help.

    November 15, 2014 at 4:43 am #67854
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi There!

    When people have affairs it’s usually when the kids are older and life has become drudgery. This paramour of yours sounds young and everything is brand new! Of course you can’t compete with a newborn daughter! You just can’t! His lifestyle changed dramatically! Wait until she’s over the age of ten, not as cute anymore, and self sufficient!

    That being said, I know that ultimately this is not what you want. He is an addiction. And what’s worse, he is an addiction that doesn’t (really) seek you out! So, if you contact him every day, wait two. Then contact him and wait three. At this point he will contact you. Don’t reply. Wait four days. Once you get to the eight days no contact mark he should be going crazy.

    But wait, there’s more. When you see him, no sex. Now it should become obvious if he really loves you or has been playing you.

    That boring nice clueless husband of yours sounds better and better. Let him “win”. Put all your attention that you would have given the other guy onto him.

    See what happens. Your life will improve dramatically.

    November 15, 2014 at 4:46 am #67855
    Vhanon
    Participant

    Hi mehatanatasha6,

    I don’t think that is a sign of a toxic relationship. It looks more like the sign of mourning, loss and denial. You absolutely do not want to let him go with all your heart. It is a nightmare, and you desperately seek reassurance that he won’t go, a reassurance he can only give. Unfortunately this will not happen, he has commitments and looks very pleased to respect them. After all you both knew in advance things may not go that way forever. This is something you will heal with time, you need to stay away from him and try to replace what you lost with something else. I know, it is easier said than done, especially in this very moment. But these are the thoughts and things you may try to hang on, while you move yourself out of this pain:

    1)What he gave you can be replaced with something else. Were you good friends, did you share intimate details about your thoughts? You can find plenty of other good friends and share your mind with them. Were you passionate and physically attracted? I don’t have the heart to tell you that you may find somebody else, but you got an husband: push that man out of his comfort zone and physical laziness. I’m sure you learned a trick or two during this experience.

    2)Try to interact with him as little as possible. If your mind drifts that way stop it, think about something else. If someone talks about him, ask them to not mention your colleague. Do not look for him in that intimate way (or at least not always). If you cannot keep your emotion in check and just his sight makes you sad, do not look for him at all. Move in another office or somewhere new far away from him. If you want to be nice, explain him that you want to move out from this need of him and that now you should stay separated. It is not something personal, but now you have to protect yourself from this feelings and only distance can keep them in check. Maybe he will actually help you out and collaborate by making things easier on you and appearing less often in your life or hiding from you some details of his life you find hard to accept.

    3) Think about the time you spent with him as a blissful past, as a time that made its course and changed. It is something you had and can always carry with you as a memory, but it cannot be back again in the future. However, there are things you can still live. Find them, morph them, adapt them to a present without him, and make them suitable to live them with somebody else (like I explained in point 1). Talk to somebody else like you talked to him, you never know, you may find a reply you may actually like.

    4) Remain active, do as much as you can, find a new hobby, find a friend you can speak all your heart out to or maybe a friend whose hand you can hold when you are crying and feel really lost. Go to the gym, go to the library, change your hair style, listen to the music, write a poetry, reply to people in this forum, compose a song, learn to play an instrument, try to make a new dish, change duties on your job, do something you stopped doing and that used to like before meeting him.

    5)If you want to make things more gradual. Enjoy the time you still have with him, but talk with him about where you are heading. Get ready to let him definitively go when the time will come. Start to fill the empty time with something else and start to move away.

    January 5, 2015 at 10:45 am #67907
    annaj
    Participant

    Hi mehatanatasha6,

    How are you doing today? It is a very difficult time and situation. I am currently going through a period of uncertainty with my (former) partner who I love dearly. I acted out of character and spent time with another man. I didn’t cheat on my partner but I withdrew from him emotionally and sided with someone else. Some weeks have passed since things blew up and I have had a lot of time for reflection.The thing with giving things a bit of time and space is that you gain some perspective. I simply could not see the pain I was inflicting on my partner and all the people who care about us at the time – I was incapable of feeling it. However, now I am well aware of the pain and my own pain.

    I have had a few partners in my life and I can tell you that it is a trick of the mind to think that the exciting, unreachable man is just what we want. When you get him the excitement wears off and you begin to see his faults – everyone has faults. Spend some time reflecting on the ways he has harmed you and those things that might not be so appealing. This is not to encourage you to hate him or be angry (this doesn’t help) but to put things in perspective.

    In addition, we are often addicted to excitement and drama and play this out in our relationships. We want to be entertained but what gos up must come down and so we get into an exhausting push and pull struggle with someone, always competing for the power in the relationship. These relationships are not healthy. I’ve had a few. They are exhausting and painful. In the long run having a stable, supportive and simple relationship is far more enduring and helpful We all need support from others and a relationship can be a great source of this if you take care of it. Your husband sounds like a good man. Maybe you could attempt to work on your communication with hi, and guide him and show him what you need? Is this possible? Even clumsy, low-confidence lovers can become great lovers with tenderness, patience and guidance.

    However, the biggest issue here is not the torment of not having someone you love or are attached to but rather the lack of our own self-love and self-respect. Currently I am really exploring this. I don’t want to rely on a partner for all my personal happiness – relationships change and they are impermanent (at least by death do us part). Therefore, they are always flavoured by suffering. The more we can realise this now and the more we can cultivate positive feelings of love and appreciation for ourselves, the less we will suffer when our partner leaves, dies or changes the way they relate to us. Keep reminding yourself of this.

    Have compassion for everyone in this situation – your husband, your lover, his baby, yourself. You are all suffering in many ways and none of you really know what the other is actually thinking or feeling. The more you can imagine things from the perspective of the other people involved in this situation than the clearer it will become what the best course of action is.

    I wish you great happiness and joy. May you swiftly find relief to your problems and find inner peace and contentment.

    All my love,

    Annaj

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.