Dear humour,

I am sorry you feel bad about yourself and that your self-confidence is quite low. I’ve taken a look at some of your earlier threads, and what you wrote about your family and growing up (in the thread “Require advice on how to gracefully accept changes without getting overwhelmed”) could actually explain why you feel so low now.

Anita already noticed back then one important thing that you’ve said:

I have been extremely attached to my family always trying to make ours ‘a happy family. It never happened though. No matter how much I tried, nothing got better.

Also, you haven’t really spent fun time together as a family, making nice memories, or simply bonding with each other:

We have not spent time together, not had a meal together, never went on a vacation together. Basically we never made any memories

You also said that both you, your sister and your mother felt depressed on and off.

It seems to me that your depression could be the result of you trying so hard to make your parents happy, but never succeeding. This causes the child (and later adult) to have low self-esteem, because if nothing they’ve tried made their parents happy, the child concludes that it must be their fault. So you end up believing you’re not good enough, that you are somehow defective.

And you carry this false belief into your adulthood…. As an adult, you have been putting yourself down a lot, right? For example now, you’ve been telling yourself that you are mediocre, that you are falling behind in life, that you should have done a lot better.

It seems you have a strong inner critic, who is telling you that you’re not good enough, maybe even that you’re a failure.

Do you resonate with any of this?

(If you do, the antidote is self-love and self-compassion. It’s possible to feel better!)

Dear humour,

You are very welcome. This is good to hear:

I have gotten a lot better at self-love and self-compassion which makes me proud of myself

However (and I may sound like a nuisance for bringing this up), it seems you had a similarly optimistic and cheerful attitude in your last post, more than 5 years ago. This is what you wrote then:

I am really grateful that I am in a much better place compared to several other people. There is food on the table everyday, a roof above our head, a job. I am grateful for all this.

I should ve been a happy healthy individual at my age. I’ll work on it now. I want to be joyous, healthy and have fun

This is very similar to what you wrote now in your reply: that you are grateful for many things and that you’ll work on yourself. However, more than 5 years have passed, and you still feel low self-confidence, and you struggle to find purpose “in many arenas of your life”.

So something doesn’t compute here, humour. This is absolutely not to judge you – by no means – just to tell you what I am seeing. Which is that even though you are grateful for many things, still many other things are missing from your life, right? And that it’s okay to want those things and look for ways to get them…

It seems to me there is a conflict in you: on one hand you want more, but on the other you tell yourself that you shouldn’t want more (more happiness, fulfillment, career success), and that you should be grateful for what you already have. That way you’re actually blocking yourself from reaching what you want…

How do you feel about this? Would say there is some truth in it?

Dear humour,

But I am also proud of the individual I have turned out to be, considering the circumstances that we went through. Basically I did not end up a complete failure or a messed up person.

That’s good – you have a healthy dose of self-love and self-acceptance. You’re not hating yourself, which is great! You have an optimistic outlook too, which is also an asset. So yes, you should be proud of yourself!

But I also feel I have the ego body of a child and not that of an adult.

That’s because there is a child part in you (the so-called inner child), who got emotionally wounded due to his experiences growing up in an unhappy home. This child needs to have his core emotional needs met… before you can have healthy adult relationships.

I am definitely after more happiness, fulfillment, career success and so on but I either don’t know what to do to attain it or I don’t know how much is enough.

Well, what you have now is not enough…. Let me give you an example. You mentioned this situation at work:

I am also trying to get comfortable in uncomfortable situations, especially at work where I am put down subtly.

Should you get comfortable that people put you down (perhaps grow a thicker skin, ignore, numb your anger…), or you should develop assertiveness and boundaries and not allow those put-downs?

If you say you should get more comfortable accepting what you shouldn’t accept – it means one part of you wins (the submissive, enduring part, who believes he doesn’t deserve more).

If you say you should show up differently and respect yourself more and set boundaries so people wouldn’t mistreat you –  that’s when another part of your wins.

That’s the conflict I was talking about….

Dear humour:

I read all that you posted here since November 2015 and took my time doing so. You are in your later 30s, I gather. Still a vegetarian (?) I wonder if you incorporated eggs into your diet and/or other protein sources, like a doctor suggested long ago. I wonder how you are doing in regard to cravings/ overeating  sweets, your allergies and stress headaches… and watching too much TV?

My current understanding is based on the following quotes, your own words  (the boldface feature is my addition): “I get easily attached to people and go through immense suffering as a result (Sept 2016)… I’ve had a challenge with being assertive because I feel that I might ‘hurt’ people. I feel like making good memories at work and enjoying my time with friends… I take the hurt upon myself without speaking out…  some people chew off of your confidence to stand out and shine… I read a quote and someone’s interpretation of it. It just calmed me down instantly. I felt liberated at that moment. The quote is ‘The lion and tiger might be stronger, but the wolf does not perform in circus‘… circuses.. usually represent..  captivity… tiger + lion) may have this (strength)…  (wolf) has something better or just as good (freedom).. You should decide what kind of person you want to be based on which is more important to you (strength/recognition or freedom).. If you are the best, you may get recognition and praise, but you will never be free… I don’t stand up for myself when someone speaks hurtfully and I am not sure of the reason… I finally want to make some good memories in life and make friends… I’ll work on making good memories…. Once I am assertive, I get all sensitive thinking I hurt the other person” (October 2016).

“I want to get back to being cheerful… I want to be able to take care of myself and be less of a martyr. I want to find love, freedom, joy within myself and without… I am in my early 30s. I feel like I am 60… I am getting frustrated with regrets, things not turning out the way I wanted it to, my efforts not being recognised, me not able to meet my own expectations, people pleasing. I’ve had enough! I want to forget everything, be reborn and just have fun” (January 2017).

“Just to set a context, I want to a write a line or two about my family. We have been through extremely tough times. We have not spent time together, not had a meal together, never went on a vacation together. Basically we never made any memories… My mother spent the last many years taking care of my dad who was very ill and almost confined to the bed. All of us have been depressed on and off.… my mother has grown weak, physically and emotionally… I am really worried if I can let go off my mother. If we had good times as a family, maybe my feelings would have been different. I feel extremely sad that we have intimately suffered as a family… she (mother) has never had a joyous marriage/family life. Through all this I have been extremely attached to my family always trying to make ours ‘a happy family’. It never happened though. No matter how much I tried, nothing got better… I try not to get overprotective of my mother and sister and remind myself that they have to walk their journey… I am so worried my mother might feel lonely and at the same time I don’t want to get too attached… My father’s passing leaves a deep void in my heart. I wish there were good memories… I want to be joyous, healthy and have fun (June 2017).

“I have gotten a lot better at self-love and self-compassion which makes me proud of myself…  I am doing much better now but suffering the consequences of a troubled upbringing… I am definitely after more happiness..  but I either don’t know what to do to attain it or I don’t know how much is enough… I am grateful that as the years are going by, there is more peace of mind…  the suffering has lessened for everyone, for various reasons… I feel sad about all the wasted years of my life. I wish I could go back in time and change many things. But I am also proud of the individual” (November 2022).

And now to my understanding: because recently, “suffering has lessened for everyone” in your family, suffering has also lessened for you.  As I understand it, it’s all been about you being loyal to your family. You invested so much growing up in trying to make them happy, postponing your own happiness (postponing your own time to “stand out and shine“) until such time that they will be happy first,  feeling that if you assert yourself within the family, if you take something for yourself … they will be hurt. They had to  be your # 1.

It’s about the memories you don’t have: memories of a happy family life while growing up. You want to create happy memories now, as an adult (to be reborn into a happy life), but you are held captive in the bad memories of the family you were born to. Loyal to your family, particularly to your mother, you feel too guilty to break free and be happy.

Like the lion and tiger in that quote, you were very strong growing up (and still), keeping your needs and feelings down for the benefit of your family, trying hard to make them happy. That was your circus (and life of captivity): performing for the benefit of your family. You want to be free like the wolf: to no longer perform in a circus, the circus having been your family-home growing up, your workplace now.. or anywhere else. The saying Born to be Free, comes to my mind, vs born into captivity.

I was very loyal to my own mother and to her misery for many years. Like you, I was very, very attached to her and I took “the hurt upon myself” (her hurt). Like you, I put a stop to my hopes for happiness until such time that I made her happy, something that never happened. I didn’t assert myself, didn’t stand up for myself when hurt by others.. and I never got to “stand out and shine“, not until recently. If you agree with my understanding (and please correct me where you do not agree), let us explore Freedom vs Captivity together, shall we…?

anita

Dear humour,

My concern is I don’t know what is “normal” in any situation.

I think this is also related to you not being in touch with your needs. Because a “normal” reaction would be to treat people with kindness and respect, but not allow to be put down, disrespected and abused. To have so-called flexible boundaries: to be open and welcoming with people, but if needed, to protected yourself. Or to be caring and willing to help, but not allow to be exploited. So a healthy balance.

If you don’t know what “normal” is, I think it means you don’t know where you boundaries are, i.e. you don’t know what is acceptable to you and what is not.

I am just musing here… let me know if this makes sense to you.

Dear humour:

You are welcome. I think that what you need right now more than anything is emotional support and encouragement: someone (… I am this someone) to tell you that although you can (and want to) do better, you are doing better than you used to, and you are doing quite well presently! I admire your optimistic, grateful attitude and I think that this attitude will carry you through the process of understanding yourself better and functioning in life in ways that bring you confidence and contentment.

The first of the two replies I submitted to you on this thread consists mostly of your words through the years. There, I added my understanding based on your words. You didn’t respond to the content of that first, long reply. If you have the time, the ability and willingness to re-read it attentively and patiently, and then respond, please do (anytime, no rush).

anita