Home→Forums→Relationships→Help Me Be Better, I Cheated A Few Times and Regretted It All
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Helcat.
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April 6, 2024 at 6:05 am #430648
CosmoParticipantLong story short, I’ve cheated a few times in my last 3 years relationship with my ex-gf. The last one was pretty much big and it messed up the entire relationship. As she already forgiven me for the past mistakes, the last one, I decided told her and come clean as I believe she needs to make informed decision. Afterwards, she decided to break the RL last month and now the guilt is killing me. I own up my mistakes and I’ve gave her all the space she needed to process, heal, and everything (no-contact rule). But, something had happened as I think she did seek out and heard about the rumors and stuff, thus she texted me stuff and told me she won’t be back. To be fair, I already decided to swallowed all the pill of my behaviour through social sanction that is currently being goin on in my part as my ex now shared the details in her social media.
Things that have I done:
- Letting her know everything and let her made informed decision
- Letting her know that I want to fix relationship but not in this time (trying to give time and fix myself -> tough it’s now out of option as she decided to not get back)
- Feeling every guilt, shame, remorse, sad, and stuff
- Went to psychologist one time to address whats been goin on
- Started to workout at gym as a way to not self-harm/a way to let go my guilt and shame
- Focused on my tasks and job, as i need to move forward
- Getting ready to move on
But still, it seems something still feel of on my side. Indeed I know so much what I did is very wrong, but this time I decided to want full-change on myself, can you people here, help me gave suggestions? I would love some theoritical and practical suggestions to do in my daily activities.
I would be okay if you’re being harsh on it, I just want to swallow everything up as my part of reflection to be better more.
I hope someone here could give me perspective. Sorry for bad English, thank you…
April 6, 2024 at 6:17 am #430657
HelcatParticipantHi Cosmo
I’m sorry to hear that you cheated on your ex-gf multiple times and are feeling guilty about it.
You mentioned that you saw a psychologist once. How did that go? Is there a reason that you only went once?
Wishing you all the best! 🙏
April 6, 2024 at 7:07 am #430659CosmoParticipantHi Helcat,
Yeah I went that one time in my life because I just need some POV from medical/psychological as why I do what I did, the session went good. Actually I told my psychologist everything to the very detail. She told me that:
- It’s a behaviourial problem,
- And suggest for me to look into Open Relationship kinda style.
Well, why I only went once actually is because my psychologist told me that based on how I tell her my story, and how I respond (which I agree), I am actually a very well self-aware person coming out into some problem in life. So she told me that I’m good on my own after seeing how I tell my argument and story. She didn’t see that I have some big stuff that needed to be addressed. After asking me what I’m gonna to do later on my life, I answered (same as First Post) and she said I dont need further session.
But still, I felt bad and stuff atm…
April 6, 2024 at 7:08 am #430660CosmoParticipant[quote quote=430657]Hi Cosmo I’m sorry to hear that you cheated on your ex-gf multiple times and are feeling guilty about it. You mentioned that you saw a psychologist once. How did that go? Is there a reason that you only went once? Wishing you all the best! 🙏[/quote]
Hi sorry, this is my first time replying here, I just realized the Quoting things; please read my response above Helcat
April 6, 2024 at 7:47 am #430662
anitaParticipantDear Cosmo:
You shared that you cheated a few times on your now ex-girlfriend. She knew about a few of the cheatings and forgave you, but then you cheated again and told her about it, so to “come clean as I believe she needs to make informed decision“. During the no-contact period that followed, she decided to break up with you. You suspect that she broke up with you because she may have “heard about the rumors” during the no-contact, and that your ex shared about your cheating on social media.
You feel “guilt, shame, remorse, sad“. You saw a psychologist about your feelings and she told you that your cheating is “a behavioral problem” that she doesn’t see that you have deeper issues that need to be addressed, suggested that an open relationship might be the solution to this behavioral problem, and therefore, she saw no need for a second session.
Before I suggest anything, I’d like to ask you: do you believe that (as I understand the psychologist suggested) you cheated on your girlfriend because you are not suited for a monogamous relationship, similarly to other male mammals who, in nature, and by nature, are not monogamous?
anita
April 6, 2024 at 8:00 am #430663CosmoParticipantHi Anita,
To put it right, yeah the last case of my cheat was the worst one, so I told her in advanced before she could hear from anyone else and we broke up. Thus I initiate no contact after met her one week after the broke up, telling her that I want to fix my thing, let her in her own time, and letting her know I still want to fix our relationship.
One month later, turns out the rumors has spread and my ex-girlfriend listened to the rumors and get pretty mad at is, as I imagine the rumors were full of details and stuff told by the one I had affair with. So in rage, she emotional dumped in her social media about my wrongdoings and I assume now my image in a few of my social life is gonna be affected. Not gonna rant about it, I accepted it all for my consequences. But as I said, its pretty hard to move forward in my part too.
[quote quote=430662] Before I suggest anything, I’d like to ask you: do you believe that (as I understand the psychologist suggested) you cheated on your girlfriend because you are not suited for a monogamous relationship, similarly to other male mammals who, in nature, and by nature, are not monogamous? anita [/quote]
About the thing above, I actually have thought about ENM a while ago. But after got the validation from my Pscyhologist, and after reviewing what happened and what I’ve been learning, told, and hold (teological side of myself), I decided to deny the thoughts of non-monogamous relationship at all. Not to mention its very taboo in my country’s moral compass. Its like not me and how I’ve been living my life. Also, if I am ENM, I wouldnt think I be this devastated approaching this break up problem.
There you go Anita.
April 6, 2024 at 8:01 am #430664
RobertaParticipantDear Cosmo
I hope you don’t mind me asking a couple of questions.
How were you feeling about your relationship just before you cheated? ie bored, frustrated, afraid of commitment etc
Was alcohol involved?
Were they 1 nightstands or something a bit more?
I suggest you look into the difference between remorse & guilt. You could also make a commitment to yourself to be celibate for say 6 months to give you time to investigate & reflect on what kind of relationship truly reflects your core values beliefs.
Roberta
April 6, 2024 at 8:52 am #430666anitaParticipantDear Cosmo:
I had to look up ENM: “Consensual non-monogamy, also known as ethical non-monogamy, is an umbrella term for relationships in which all partners give explicit consent to engage in romantic, intimate, and/or sexual relationships”.
“I actually have thought about ENM a while ago. But… I decided to deny the thoughts of non-monogamous relationship at all. Not to mention its very taboo in my country’s moral compass. Its like not me and how I’ve been living my life. Also, if I am ENM, I wouldn’t think I be this devastated“-
– I need to understand better. Please answer the following if you feel comfortable doing so:
(1) What motivated you to cheat?
(2) What thoughts go through your mind when you feel shame and guilt in regard to your cheating within the relationship?
(3) What was the state of your parents’ marriage when you were growing up, and how was your childhood experience like?
anita
April 6, 2024 at 1:40 pm #430686
TommyParticipantPersonally, I only see a person who wants to hurt others. Cheating and then telling her about it. Some people hurt others so that they know that at one time the cheater mattered to the other person. It is like cheating death to know one is alive. It is a dumb thing to do. Sorry, I do not coddle egos. You want to be better then be better. No excuses.
April 6, 2024 at 8:05 pm #430704HelcatParticipantHi Cosmo
Well if you don’t want to do open relationships, then it might be worth reaching out to a therapist again to help you manage this behaviour because it sounds like an appropriate solution hasn’t been found.
Do you understand why cheating hurts people?
When you do it, you disrespect and hurt your partner.
You disrespected and hurt your partner repeatedly and expected forgiveness each time without regard or care for her. There is a level of entitlement there. People are not doormats and treating them poorly is one way to lose them forever.
Some people are attracted to others outside of the relationship, but they consider their partners feelings and don’t stray. A simple act of self control, care and respect.
All it takes to not cheat, is to not cheat. Practice self control, care and respect for people. When you feel that your immediate gratification isn’t more important than your partner then you will find it relatively easy to not cheat.
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