Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→Help – how do I shake off my bitterness and angriness?
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September 4, 2016 at 11:34 am #114215
ShannonParticipantI am in a destructive, emotional loop that doesn’t seem to end, no matter how much I try to minimize the problem, think that this “isn’t something that should effect me” and gluing on a face that says everything is in order. My inner feelings are definitely not, and I wish that I could be bigger in this matter, think away from myself, but this annoying little feeling always comes back, and blows up like a balloon until it overwhelms peace and happiness. It takes too much place and I want to learn to be friend with the situation!
The matter is, my boyfriend and I had a really bad start with his family. Since my boyfriend is insecure in dealing with conflicts, and that he in the same time is economically dependent on his family for another two years when he graduates from his university studies, he doesn’t have any will at all to take up the fact that we’re in a relationship, and include me in his family. Frankly, he’s scared they will cut him off from the family if they realize we’re dating (which, as I’ve understood, would be a reasonable strategy for the family to force him to cut off with me and continue his studies without me).
Now, even if you could reason that his family are douchebags and that he therefore isn’t worth putting that much effort on, I still believe in him and we both want to continue our relationship. The major problem I experience is that every time he conciously sends away his visiting family a couple of hours or a day before I arrive, I feel a growing stone of bitterness and unfairness in my chest. I feel this because 1) I have a general issue with not being accepted for who I am, and 2) since my own family is harassed with old, poisonous conflicts where people regularly freezes other people out of the communion, I have an issue with not being accepted within the family life.
I understand that this isn’t something that can be solved by any third party and least of all the person of issue in question. The solution must come from within the family, when the time is right. All I can do is live through these years without family acceptance and support my boyfriend in all other matters. I see it as a relationship compromise – when you’re two, you can’t have everything your own way.
I’m asking for help with the feeling that this situation leaves in me – the bitterness, powerlessness, and actually angriness over the fact that his family issue with me is as it is. This poisons me and my boyfriends’ moods too often and leave dark, sucking holes in our conversations. I want to be able to shake this matter off me like waterdrops from a goretex jacket. I just don’t know how!
September 4, 2016 at 11:57 am #114219
AnonymousGuestDear Janeth:
You wrote: “I’m asking for help with the feeling that this situation leaves in me…I want to be able to shake this matter off me like waterdrops from a goretex jacket. I just don’t know how!”
You also wrote: “no matter how much I try to minimize the problem… this annoying little feeling always comes back, and blows up like a balloon until it overwhelms peace and happiness.”
What you are asking for, you already tried, real hard: to minimize the feeling, to shake it off. You are definitely motivated to minimize it, to not be affected like you have.
A hot bath, a long brisk walk, sitting meditation, moving meditation, hot tea, yoga, tai chi… affirmations, this and that, all these things will help at times and some are a good practice nonetheless, but there is no way for you- as I see it- to minimize these feelings or shake them off ” like waterdrops from a goretex jacket”-
…unless you exert power over your situation.
You need to have adequate, reasonable power over your life and feeling powerlessness (“the bitterness, powerlessness, and actually angriness”), is what the anger is about. The anger motivates you to change your situation.
Your logical reasoning says: “The solution must come from within the family, when the time is right. All I can do is live through these years without family acceptance and support my boyfriend in all other matters. I see it as a relationship compromise – when you’re two, you can’t have everything your own way.”
Your emotional reasoning says something like this: ‘The solution must come from me! The time is now! There is something I can do about this! I want to be approved for who I am, now!’
Am I correct in my understanding?
anita
September 4, 2016 at 12:38 pm #114222ShannonParticipantYes, your understanding is correct! My emotional reasoning screams that I want to take control over the situation and solve the issue myself. Problem with this is, I reason I don’t have the right to do so out of respect for my boyfriend and his family. Even though his family don’t respect me.
This time I would like to go all Mr Spock and let logical reason overrun emotional reason. That’s why I’m asking if there are ways to deal with these bubbling feelings of helplessness, angriness and bitterness and make them less bubbly and more easy to handle. I realise I can’t make them go away since they are a part of my reaction over my situation, so I’m just searching for ways to be able to live with them and not letting them take over other, far nicer feelings like happiness, peacefulness and the affection between me and my boufriend.
September 4, 2016 at 12:51 pm #114224AnonymousGuestDear Janeth:
I am siding with your emotional reasoning on this matter. I believe it makes logical and emotional sense. Therefore I believe the only way for you- on the long run (beyond the temporary feel-good of … a hot bath, for example)- is for you to exert power over your life and in this case, assert yourself with your boyfriend and his family and ask for their acceptance and approval of you as his girlfriend.
If you don’t get this approval that you desperately need, I would exit the relationship.
The risk of being out of the relationship, does it cause you fear and discomfort? That would be something to examine and deal with, of course, if you were to consider my suggestion.
anita
September 4, 2016 at 8:38 pm #114243ShannonParticipantNow you are assuming two things that are both off-topic and untrue (in my case). One, I actually don’t desperately need their approval. I have the approval from my boyfriend and that’s enough for me. I also have approval from other sides, but I see that as irrelevant. As irrelevant as I see the approval from his family, but because of my feelings connected with the desire to be accepted as a person and accepted within a family, my feelings go haywire in this matter only because I “don’t get the double-helix striped ice cream I want”. Unlike the spoiled screaming child in the ice cream line who is used to always get his will through, I put the love in our relationship before this desire – I know that you shouldn’t neglect your desires too much either, but this particular desire is something that’s interfering with us having an elsewise magic relationship.
The other assumption you just made is that I expect relationship advise (“I would exit the relationship”), when I actually only ask for help with managing the emotion this topic causes me. I now realise this thread might be in the wrong forum since there’s nothing with the relationship I want to change, only my chemical response to one side-effect of this relationship. I’ll ask Admin to move it to Emotional Mastery.
September 4, 2016 at 8:52 pm #114247AnonymousGuestDear Janeth:
If you want to start a new thread under Emotional Mastery, please do. Obviously my last post to you upset you greatly.
I think it will make you feel better to get my following promise: I will not reply to your threads, not this one (following this very post) or future ones. You are now safe from any future input by me.
Take good care of yourself.
anita
September 4, 2016 at 9:14 pm #114250ShannonParticipant“Obviously”? Assumptions again!
I’m not upset at all actually, but saw a need to explain my grounds as they were misinterpreted by you twice (three times including your latest post). There’s no need to take this as criticism, I’m merely stating facts and have no issue with you. If you feel that you have constructive input to give in future threads, please do. All constructive opinions are welcome.
About the Reportation – I’m a newbie in forum usage and thought “report” meant “send a message to Admin about an issue with the thread”, as I wanted to ask how to move the thread to another headline, but thanks for explaining that you can just restart the thread under another forum headline.
September 5, 2016 at 10:04 pm #114345
Vinod MehandruParticipantAnita and Janeth – I am disappointed the way this discussion is ending. Janeth feels that her comments was misinterpreted while Anita does not feel so! So it needs further discussions / interactions – not abandonment! Go on all interactions help in strengthening our EQ!
I notice that while Jeneth expressed her feelings well the real reasons the other stake holders do not approve the relationship is not very clear. 100% of conflicts can not be resolved. If the situation can not be improved to a level where it is gladly accepted or has the probability of improving with time – one must either live with the situation (needs great emotional maturity – and apparent or hidden stress) or walk away – as Anita suggests – as a last recourse. Gita – a Holy Book of India makes it clear that absolute truth in any situation is difficult to know – we make a version of it with our mind and thoughts. We take actions based on the interpretation of the apparent truth in our mind and have to be prepared for the consequences of our actions which follow. For every action, evaluate the consequences and prepare yourself to accept them without further emotional stress.
May God bless bth of you and do continue exchanging your thoughts and be helpful friends – not just friends.September 7, 2016 at 9:04 am #114487
I_am_Who_I_amParticipantConflict arises through resistance, find peace through submission.
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