Home→Forums→Relationships→HELP Am I in a relationship but still in love with my ex? Cant figure it out!
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February 13, 2018 at 10:52 am #192257AnonymousGuest
Dear Jenny Lynn:
Maybe I overreacted yesterday, triggered by the stalking incidents.. still am triggered by those, him checking on you. I do not like that at all and concerned with this behavior escalating if you go out more, are out and about, if you get a new job that includes more interactions with people.
His stalking behavior is, again, a concern, on my part. It tipped the scales for me, in regard to Glen.
I am glad his criminal record is clear from violent charges and restraining orders, and that your evaluation is that he is not inclined to get violent. But again, he feels intensely about you and it does worry me.
In any case, you are in a difficult situation: you love him, he loves you, you are conflicted, have been depressed for a long time, and not in a relationship that is clearly good for you. It is also difficult to make changes, and may feel easier to go along with more of the same, extend the lease, continue as is, simply because it is easier.
Your account of your friends’ and brother’s input, they do know of the stalking incidents and such, I am thinking?
anita
February 13, 2018 at 11:38 am #192265Jenny LynnParticipantI understand the beginning of your passage. I don’t like it either. Simple as that.
I press the issue so not at all that I never got any context into what he says and his motivations.
I wonder what he would say in response to it even more so now.
His response would give me, (I don’t know about you) A LOT of insight.
He could say “Yea I watch you and what? you sneaky” that’s a whole issue!
Or he could say “Dude I just be joking when I say those things, Its not even like that”
Yea his violence level is non existent. I have done the worst I am capable of and saw his reaction then with Hunt. There really isn’t anything I could think of that would push him over the edge like that to me. Doubtful it would get there for any reason.
But I am indeed in a difficult situation. The consistent depression clouds my judgment. Even in a sense that in other times they would more so be associated with triggering my overwhelming depression like traits back then after. I would be normal enough that guys would do stuff; that’s life. Sometimes girls let boys do things they shouldn’t; but at a point I would have enough & make the tough choice and not deal with people anymore then.
I do have a lot invested in him and our relationship.
To make changes is hard. To see someone isn’t going to give you what you want or turn into the best person for you and decide to stop. Ending a relationship is hard..but being hurt is harder. John was by far my easiest breakup (still a lot) just because I only had pieces of him. But when you hold someone’s whole heart in your hands and still have to decide to do what is best for you it is a pain staking task trying to figure out if your doing what is right.
On a scale of 1-10 (10 being knowing what you know) I would say average they know probably a teetering 6/7.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Jenny Lynn.
February 13, 2018 at 12:32 pm #192291AnonymousGuestDear Jenny Lynn:
When you communicate with Glen, tell him the truth. Do not minimize your feelings, don’t joke around. Be as serious as serious can be. Tell him ahead of time that you are not joking, that you are very serious.
Also, don’t tell him a whole lot, too much. Stick to one or two main issues and keep it clear and short enough.
Give him time to respond, an hour or a few hours, or a day, so that he gives you a knee jerk response. Maybe type your feelings, for this very purpose, so that he can have time to digest it before responding.
If he does not respond to your true and honest feelings, that will be so disrespectful that I am cringing at the thought. If he responds with an attitude any less than serious and most respectful to you, I cringe as well.
Check out his response, that is crucial. Let him know, it will be very telling, for me.
I didn’t understand most of the paragraph with the word “after” in bold letters. If it is important enough and relevant to now, you can explain it to me.
anita
February 13, 2018 at 1:39 pm #192305Jenny LynnParticipantThat makes sense.
Just keep it short, basically tell him that “I have some issues with you telling me or implying to me that you’re watching me or need to keep watch on me” and that I need him to kind of clarify some of his actions/statements.
Yes I am cringing at that thought too.
That will ultimately make the choice for me.
I mean I am sane, so I can’t knowingly know that and still stay within this relationship.
Other smaller issues is more like I changed my mind frame to, can I be ok with this ‘thing’ in order to have what he brings to my life overall. But this is really non-negotiable.
I will however let you know what he says in response to this in a few days when I find the right time to start that conversation.
February 13, 2018 at 1:46 pm #192307MarkParticipantJenny Lynn,
Some observations of your boyfriend …
His poor anger management:
-35-40% conflict (down from 60-55%) and of that 35-40% I would say 80% of that are things he is upset about.
-With his 80% I would say only about 30% of the time he will say what you did to actually upset him.
His poor conflict resolution and communication:
-only about 30% of the time he will say what you did to actually upset him.
-He literally says “Talking doesn’t solve anything/ Talking doesn’t mean anything/ Words mean nothing” etc.
What he is: Suspicious, Not trusting, Jealous:
-Goes through your phone and iPad without permission
-Wakes you up in the middle of the night questioning about the men in your life
-Questioning about the number of showers you are taking
-Spying on you like with where you park your car, etc.
– tracking when and when I did not leave the house by how many or which lock is locked when you get back
Not respecting you:
-See above about going through your phone and iPad
-Says that you are wasting his time and that you talk in circles
-Hangs up on you
Check out this .. Gaslighting
http://www.thehotline.org/what-is-gaslighting/
Mark
- This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Mark.
February 13, 2018 at 2:39 pm #192333Jenny LynnParticipantThe above things you said are true. His temper needs to be tamed but there is a significant change. He as well needs to understand the need for proper discussions and exchanges within a relationship; like when talking about what upset you.
The Suspicion and jealously: per the shares between me and Anita, it will be addressed and it will basically be the line in the sand. If these things are happening the way I feel, I have some big decisions I’ll need to be making.
I have read up on GasLighting (I have a minor in psychology). But I did look into this as well in regards to my own situation. I can say truthfully he does not distort my reality. I don’t change my mind or recall of things just because he may not remember it the way I do.
- You constantly second-guess yourself.
- You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” multiple times a day.
- You often feel confused and even crazy.
- You’re always apologizing to your partner.
- You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
- You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
- You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
- You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
- You have trouble making simple decisions.
- You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
- You feel hopeless and joyless.
- You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
- You wonder if you are a “good enough” partner.
The only one of these traits I slightly identify with is
- You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
Yet I have moderate/server depression so I can’t really say he is all to blame for that.
February 13, 2018 at 7:12 pm #192321Jenny LynnParticipantThe above things you said are true. His temper needs to be tamed but there is a significant change. He as well needs to understand the need for proper discussions and exchanges within a relationship; like when talking about what upset you.
The Suspicion and jealously: per the shares between me and Anita, it will be addressed and it will basically be the line in the sand. If these things are happening the way I feel, I have some big decisions I’ll need to be making.
I have read up on GasLighting (I have a minor in psychology). But I did look into this as well in regards to my own situation. I can say truthfully he does not distort my reality. I don’t change my mind or recall of things just because he may not remember it the way I do.
- You constantly second-guess yourself.
- You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” multiple times a day.
- You often feel confused and even crazy.
- You’re always apologizing to your partner.
- You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
- You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
- You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
- You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
- You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
- You have trouble making simple decisions.
- You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
- You feel hopeless and joyless.
- You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
- You wonder if you are a “good enough” partner.
The only one of these traits I slightly identify with is
- You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
Yet I have moderate/server depression so I can’t really say he is all to blame for that.
February 14, 2018 at 5:26 am #192419AnonymousGuestDear Jenny Lynn:
I read your recent post to me and am looking forward to you letting me know about the conversation to be. I have a few thoughts, connecting my study of your thread four days ago to the present situation, hoping it will help in this very challenging part of your life.
1. You wrote about your original family, Nov I think it was: “They really don’t care about your feelings”-
This is a crucial point: your feelings, Jenny Lynn, are important and I want you to care about your own feelings. I want you to communicate to Glen that you care about your feelings and expect that he does too. If he doesn’t care about your feelings, then it is a definite bad idea to continue a relationship with him.
You wrote Nov last year: “being a depressed person I am still a good time. I hate being a downer if I can help it… so I joke”- resist that inclination. Time to be serious, to be real. No joking.
2. Notice what you wrote Nov 20: “Being… The most important thing in someone else’s life.. like his entire world revolves around me. That’s just something I’m not used to..I’ve never been anyone’s #1 before”-it is a big draw for you, to be Glen’s number one.
Problem is the price he demands for you being his #1. If the price to pay is for your feelings to not be important, then it is not worth it, to be his number one.
Yesterday you wrote: “The only one of these traits I slightly identify with is- You have the sense that you used to be a very different person- more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed” (before the relationship with Glen).
Your depression preceded Glen but increased during the relationship with Glen. You used to go out way more. You’ve stayed most of the time at home with Glen for a long time now. Glen discouraged and always discouraged you from having friends, going out with friends, wanting you to take you away from the world (the words you used).
If increased depression is the price for you to pay so to be Glen’s number one, it is too high of a price.
Back to the conversation/s to be: a serious matter. Your life is a serious matter, your choices in regard to this relationship are a serious matter. Treat these as such. And communicate to Glen truthfully and seriously.
Give him time to respond, pay attention to his responses. If you need time to think about his responses (or lack of), to evaluate those, take a break from communicating with him and post here. At this point, when I am at the computer, I will look for a post from you first, before I answer anyone else.
And I will reply as soon as I spot a post from you.
anita
February 14, 2018 at 7:30 am #192439Jenny LynnParticipantYes. I understand all points.
We will talk soon!
February 14, 2018 at 7:40 am #192449AnonymousGuestGood, Jenny Lynn. Till you post again, please take good care of yourself.
anita
February 14, 2018 at 12:17 pm #192523MarkParticipantJenny Lynn,
Good to hear that his temper has changed for the better. I tend to be skeptical when someone changes behavior as an adult for I see that as part of someone’s personality and long practiced behavior. I see any changes like that as temporary but that’s me and been proven wrong before.
Yes of course he needs to understand for proper discussions but how old is he? Again I don’t see that happening as an adult for this is part of him and it would take very concerted, long term effort to effect a change that lasts in my opinion.
It sounds like his controlling and jealous behavior is something you decided you will not tolerate (line in the sand). Good for you for knowing your boundaries.
Mark.
March 16, 2018 at 6:09 am #197599Jenny LynnParticipantHey Anita..
So…we broke up.
It has been a week yesterday.
March 16, 2018 at 6:22 am #197601AnonymousGuestDear Jenny Lynn:
Tell me more about it- tell me more (usually you do tell more…)
anita
March 16, 2018 at 6:40 am #197605Jenny LynnParticipantWe got into an argument Last Thursday morning that escalated way too quickly over something so ridiculous.
I asked him how much something he bought cost. (He buys random things from auction apps and re-sells them.)
I asked him “How much do you have tied up in this stuff” (Ipad mini, headphones, etc)
He got irritated and says its none of my business but if had asked instead “How much are you selling it for?” He would have answered. smh…as if how much did you pay for it wouldn’t have been the next question after that anyways. Both questions were valid and could occur in any order.
So I get upset, because we just started going back and forth about it and he said “You’re retarded!” (That’s like my LINE) calling me out of my name as something more derogatory is CROSSING said line but in this case he knows my limit and was tapping on my line.That is something I take personal. Taking characteristic shots at my intelligence (in this case the relevance of my question) is something I cant brush past. So I was pretty heated about it.
He just walked out of the room and as he came back down the hallway we were looking at each other and he kept saying it. I was like what the heck and I go in the bedroom where he was going. We started arguing a few sentences back and forth and he just yells at me “you’re retarded like your a fucking idiot dude.” I was just like “You’re good, we’re done. Its done.” He basically repeated that at me and I walked away. We have spoke in passing but nothing more than a sentence here or there since then.
March 16, 2018 at 7:29 am #197613AnonymousGuestDear Jenny Lynn:
You are very intelligent, by the way (this is regarding him repeating to you otherwise).
So you are still living together, but not sharing a bedroom, and planning to not redo the lease next month, living separately… or is it a temporary breakup?
anita
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