Okay y’all here we go. Please bare with me…I do tell a good story though so yea, cuz my life is a fucking mess lmaoJ

OK! So I am currently in a relationship with; for the sake of this story we are going to call him Glen. Me and Glen have been dating since the end of Nov 2016. We have been in a committed relationship since Feb 2017 and moved in together April 2017. YES I KNOW! You live you learn y’all but I am getting somewhere though lol

So me and Glen started dating a month and a half AFTER I ended my relationship with for the story we are going to call John. So this is the run down on John real quick: Me and John started dating Oct 2015 I met him at a job I worked at. I was dating someone else at the time we met (he was horribly awful omg) but I was loyal to him and John was very respectful of the fact that I had a relationship. I knew he liked me but he was never forward or disrespectful about it like the other men that worked at this job. A few guys had little crushes on me and didn’t care I had a BF either. So after my then BF literally forgot my birthday I ended it and he was awful anyways lol so there wasn’t much to get over and all I think about after I dried my little tears after a few weeks was this adorable guy at my old job (because I had quit) so I had reached out to him and just asked if he had a GF and if he didn’t did he maybe wanna grab drinks or something. So he didn’t and we did go out a few days later and we clicked like clack lol. We started seeing each other pretty often and then we fell off right before the end of the year because he was dating other people and I didn’t like that. (I’ll get back to the lessons I have learned later lmao) But I didn’t like that and so we parted ways from about  Jan- early March. And we linked back again like we had never left each other.  So this is where things get a little sticky. Okay so we got back cool and literally I would see him basically every day if not every other day. And he didn’t necessarily tell me the other chicks were gone but I thought it was implied right cuz I had a problem before (my position has changed in hindsight). So after about 2 months a situation occurred and I encountered one of these other girls he was dating. She had showed up to his house apparently he got a little carried away with me and forgot he had other plans for the day. So we were at his house and hes really anal about doors being locked and some how this door wasn’t locked and the girl just walked in saw me she got made etc etc. he made her leave and that was that. The gag is she knew about me I just didn’t know about her. But me and him talked he said he cared about her and that he did sleep with her and I was just like okay yea that’s not going to work because we have sex. So that’s a no go. He apologized and we moved on with my legs closed because I don’t need those issues right. THIS IS NOT BY BOYFRIEND AT THE TIME we were just dating. But I wanted him to commit he just wasn’t ready yet. Soooooo. I left his house yall and went to meet the girl lmao. We met at a restaurant to talk about what had just happened. We talked for like 3 hours yall and by the end the girl was basically lying to me to get me to think there was more to them than there really was. I saw him everyday you see him once or twice a week. But she was trying to make it seem like it was everyday too. Like girl he stays at my house I stay at his house. Its impossible so basically she just ended up being jealous and making up stuff like on the spot to try and compete you know. So I understood from then on that he lied and you lied so okay. Him and that girl been going around in circles for almost a year and a half I ended up putting together. He never was in a relationship with her. John said she broke his trust so he couldn’t ever see past that. About a month later we are at his house and yall another girl knocks on his door lmao I literally cant make this up. He went out and talked to this chick and then later on the girl actually reached out to me and apologized because she said she just showed up and she wasn’t invited she was basically just trying her luck because he had ended things with her and she knew about me and he told her how important I was to him and etc.  But none of these girls he actually was in a relationship with but yet again another girl who just wasted or was wasting a year plus messing with him when he wasn’t going to commit; he was like shes really nice but shes literally smashed like 10 of my friends so that’s a no.  So Now we are in June. We’re cool but I’m putting like helllllllaaaa pressure on him to like make something shake because in my head I am not about to be like those girls who he just strung along for years and shit. No, even if we break up I can at least say he was my boyfriend no just some dude I talked to. So after those incidents nothing else happened. And in July after me pushing and poking he asked me to be his girlfriend and we dated from then to the middle of Oct 2016.  I broke up with him because I felt like he didn’t want to be kept. Like I had pushed him out of his comfort zone and he resented me almost for it. We had talked Halloween and I just felt a way and I called him venting like “you seem stand off ish like you don’t really fuck with me blah blah blah.” And he comes back at me with “Ever since we got together you nag a lot. And you pick at little shit and make it problems or have these expectations of me and how I am supposed to act just because were together and I don’t like it.” My stupid ass was like “Ok well fine we cant not be together then” lmaoo *CLICK* But it was the truth, I just all of a sudden put this stupid girlfriend hat on and had these expectations of him that were literally dumb, just petty things. Forced things  like saying I love you awkwardly and shit lol we didn’t talk for a month after that and when I talked to him he was just like “I had no idea that converasation was going to go like that and I love you and I loved where I was but I don’t want that back because of how I felt about the things you were doing” At this time I had absolutely NO understanding of what I was doing or how I was causing harm to our relationship. I thought everything I was asking for was reasonable. I have deleted the texts from that time but I do see that we were still sending funny videos and stuff thru facebook in the month of DEC and JAN. the end of Jan beginning of Feb he asks me for somethings from my house that were his Shorts, Charger. He was cheap as hell so I knew he really wanted him but hey guys lets not forget GLEN! Glen is in the picture now. Distracting me, sweeping me off my little feet or whatever and he uses your charger now lmao SO! I take him the shorts and put them in his mailbox EVEN THO I knew he was home. Because I literally couldn’t BARE to see his face. He just makes me feel like glitter unicorns are going to explode out of me and I don’t need that cuz me and GLEN are in a committed relationship at this time RIGHT? RIGHT! He had green eyes too yall! I don’t need those problems! Lol all jokes aside. He called me like Yo! Do we have beef and Im like no I just cant see you. Its too much. and he said well I’d love to have a drink and see you. I said I don’t think that’s best I am dating someone else now and he doesn’t play about me. He said he respected it.  I was like yeaaaa sorry.  But if it doesn’t work out and neither one of us have relationships or babies in the next year-2 or 3. I’ll hit you up. So that’s the story of John. John was also 11 years older than me I was 22-23 when I was dating him and he was 34-35. During our relationship and dating we had our ups and downs but we always got along. We literally had 3 arguments  in a year and 1 wasn’t even that serious and 1 was counting when we actually broke up. Lol We just clicked. He admired me and I admired him. He was so cheap but would always show out for me, my birthday he just made literally like the best 5 days ever. He told me he did and does it all for me and anything I wanted he would make happen for me. We talked about our beautiful ass babies we would have. I just. I loved him, I loved everything about him. His laugh, his light heartedness, his smile, his eyes, the way he looked at me, the way he protected me, the way he let others interact with me, how special he thought I was, his drive, the motivation, he owned his own business very successfully, the fact that I could talk to him about anything, or just talk about anything literally because I talk about (I mean look how long this post is lol)  & his hugs UGH!!! His hugssss.  Fuck. I miss how easy everything was with us.

But now we gotta bring it back to Glen because I don’t know if I felt those things until I realized the things I know now about what exactly was going on in that relationship and THIS ONE too. So me and GLEN. I actually met him a month after John in Nov 2015 I just never actually went out with him. We would text but I wouldn’t really do to much he was just someone I would talk to kind of when I got bored. Because I only dated one person at a time and I felt like that was the way it should be and after a few months of not seeing me I did tell him that. Like yo I date someone else and I just have my attention on that right now. But yall already read the stuff above so me texting this guy wasn’t even a big deal by comparison. During the time I was in a relationship with John. I DID NOT TALK to Glen. But after the break up it was history. Our first date was Nov 30 2016 and he took me to my favorite place. For about 4 weeks I would see him like 2-3 times a week. Christmas came and we exchanged gifts and then around the end of Dec/early Jan we started seeing each other everyday. Then around the end of January he was basically staying at my house every night and then by March we are in a relationship and basically don’t breath without the other person around. And then lets flash to April when my lease was up. So he has a place right. I had just recently lost my job as well and had just got confirmation of a new job. So I asked him If I could stay at his spot of 6 weeks until I got on my feet and then if that worked out really well we could see about getting a place together. My VERY FLAWED mentaility then was we see each other everyday anyways, we could save money, we love each other, WHAT COULD GO WRONG!!? Lmao WTH! I now know that none of those reasons are the reasons why someone should move in with their significant other. Furthermore I don’t think that I’ll ever live with someone again pending how this turns out so I hope yall are still with me. Okay so . April comes, and his younger brothers step dad had been staying at Glens duplex since he was with me all the time and I told Glen hes gotta go right. Well the day before my move comes and nothing is happening so Glen basically tells me he has the money for a deposit and to find somewhere for us to live. Keep in mind I have a mamma and she wasn’t hearing this shit yall lmao. But I love him! So I don’t listen and I do what I want which was found an apartment literally in a day (its was really nice tho) he got off work brought me the money and we moved in that day. But my moms had ALL the coins for this. She would have given me the money to move but I told her no. So we move in and things are…well things. Me and him argue A LOT. And at this point I have ironed out that I am basically dating myself. Glen is just like me, except a version of me that I have out grew he is very irritable, argumentative, thinks he knows everything, has extremely high expectations of me; yea me 2011-2013 until some well needed self reflection and I changed a lot of those habits. He is 28 and is all the things I ever said I wanted from a guy. Thoughtfulness, Consistnecy, not afraid of commitment, punctual, spoils me. I felt a lot of pressure when I started dating him. I almost felt like he waited a year to date me you know and I felt like I had to make my descisons quickly because he wasn’t with the games….Like me with John lol because that’s the fucked up part yall. PLOT TWIST. I’m John now and Glen is me. I felt like such a hypocrite guys, like how could I have asked for all these things then someone is standing in front of me ready to give them to me and I’m like OHH not right now, give me a second so I can go be a hoe out here for a second. I mean come one I did just end my relationship of basically a year that piggybacked from another one from a year. I just needed a second to feel things truthfully. But I didn’t have that time because Im dealing with a male me! Lol Who wanted commitment and answers yall lol! Sometimes I feel like I picked up my relationship with John and just started living it with another man. Glen is great, but Glen is bad. Me and Glen argue a lot. Our prides collide a lot because we are so alike. This is so abnormal to me an really bothers me because I DO NOT ARGUE with people but after you move in with someone everything is magnified so at first it was good and things just go to be a lot. I thinks that’s when these thoughts started to come. My best friend told me to wait until I resolved my feelings for John but clearly yall my dumb ass doesn’t listen well and my answer to that was If the love between me and Glen is real and true it will cast a shadow on what I felt for John and it wont matter because I will know it wasn’t real. But maybe that is what is confusing me because I cant get him out of my head now. Me and Glen had a really rough month from my birthday to now. My birthday is the end of Sept and he basically didn’t do anything for me. He remembered he just didn’t do anything for me. My birthday is a big deal to me that’s how I realize who is really down for me and who isn’t. My birthday is a holiday dammit ! lol I REALLLLY felt a way. And then he found himself breaking up with me the next day guys in the middle of a arugment while I was about to go out and have dinner with my best friend I.E someone who wanted to do something nice for me for my birthday and she gotten me a gift to which he saw. But he basically said I didn’t tell him I was going and I did it on purpose blah blah blah and he broke up with me. I left anyways. Had my dinner, woke up the next day and revisited it and he didn’t budge. Okay well Monday comes and I am still pissed hes not sleeping in the bed, we aren’t talking forreal and a friend of mine was in town. I guy dated years ago (literally 3-4 years) but hes a great guy and we didn’t end it on bad terms he just didn’t lived where I did and it made thing hostile lol. But he was in town ironically and I accept his add on snap because I was loyal I always kept him blocked. By the way I kept ALL MY exes blocked including John. So he could have been texting me from Feb-Oct and I wouldn’t know him and all the others. But this was out of respect for Glen. Well fuck that cuz I was mad and if Glen was anything like me he really was done with me so. This guy was like you wanna go get food I am leaving town in like 2 days. I was like sureee and we went out that evening. YALLLL! Im going to fast forward but yea Glen found out where I was he got mad. We partially resolved it because shoot you broke up with me. Its not like I slept with the guy. Like he was hurt but he moved past it as of today. So after that things were rocky for about 2 weeks and I just broke down and cried for like an hour right before we were about to go on a date and was just like I don’t think we should be together. Then about a week later I had really ironed out my feelings and decided I wanted him to move out and we just stay together. I needed my space and I feel like my indepence was taken from me when I didn’t give it. YOU CANNOT BE ROOMMATES with you SIGNIFICANT OTHER. If felt married and hadn’t even been proposed to. I didn’t like that feeling and I told him my problems with him. Which was basically his temper. He has a really bad temper and his reactions are really effecting my feelings for him. He doesn’t hit me or cuss me out or anything. He does more manipulative shit than that. And I know him so I know why he does and doesn’t do things ya kno. He said he would work on everything  I asked. But that was when it was break up and get back together. Now that I want him to move out he says he wont stay with me. When I really think it will be whats best for our relationship because we don’t have enough space. I feel like we take each other for granted and I just cant think straight anymore. I want my space back. I want to be able to miss him I want to date and be in a relationship like normal people and this is not normal. Things were getting better I don’t know if I just go so fed up that I became impatient and just switched to move out instead. Because all my problems could be resolved that way too because theyre mostly the result of living together before we should have. He is not fond of this and as of 3-4 days ago (because he wasn’t really making moves to move out) he still said he didn’t want to be together if he moved out. That I needed to be alone but what if he needs to be with me. He has always had a large attachement to me. I have noticed since I met him. I know he is crazzzyy in love with me now. But I still feel like he has loved me for a really long time. Like maybe for just the sake of honesty before he should have. So I don’t know if he has some attachment issue because he did this with his ex and they dated for 6 years. But moved in after like a month or so. Maybe I am rebound for him too because the timeline I put together was they broke up SEPT 2015 and he was giving me his number NoV 2015 even though I actually start dating him till the next year.

So to end this sonnet. Gosh I hope someone reads all this shit to give me some advice. But basically I think he is warming up to the idea of staying together even though he is moving out. But John is heavily on my mind and has been for a few months like I said. Since my relationship was really rocky ya know like on some me and John didn’t argue like this or John didn’t fuck with birthdays either but he turned tf out or John didn’t question me about this or that. Yall get it? But I like fantasize about him sometimes. This post is really due to the fact that I had a dream about John, a super lucid one. And I searched all over this town for him and then I run in this building and find he and just run up to him and give him a hug and I woke up like OMG WTF is going on. That was too much. So I mustttt iron out my feelings but I just need some outside advice from someone who doesn’t know me or the situation first hand like my friends do.

Glen is a great person, he is so loving. He loves every inch and speckle on me. But sometimes I feel like he wants to steal me from the world. Almost like I cant be my full self with him. Because I do like attention sometimes. From other people in the most innocent way possible like if my hair looks good or I have a nice outfit on. Or your everyday your pretty from a stranger male or female. He makes me feel bad about stuff like that. When that’s who I am. I don’t want to regret I guess is the thing. Is Glen the guy Im going to regret not having when maybe 2-3 years from now I change and that is what a women is supposed to want. Is this normal? He takes care of me, he would do anything for me. But as well two holidays Valentines day and Birthday have came and he did nothing for either. He has never even given me flower or honestly any romantic gesture ever. I questioned him about that once. He in so many words said I didn’t deserve things “like that” he admitted the birthday thing was to spite me for something I had done earlier that week. He forgave me for having dinner with the guy so I forgave him for that and basically said it better never happen again. I wake up to him. I text him while we both work random conversations ya kno. I come home, He comes home. We chill talk a little, have sex or and go to sleep and do it over again. I have seen him everyday for literally 10 months going on 11. I sometimes feel like that show 90 day finace lmao. It just a lot to feel like I basically gave up my whole like in a matter of what 3-4 months and even though my feelings for him are very genuine. What were they based in? He cleans, he cooks sometimes. He accepts me for me but within his parameters. He bickers. But he loves me so so so much. I could spend my life with him especially going forward if the things that are getting better stay better. But I still cant get JOHNNN out of my head. I just want to text him sometimes like “Can you just tell me you don’t ever think about me? That you don’t miss me? That you have moved on” So I can just know that and go on and eliminate that from my thoughts. He is private person so I don’t know if hes dating anyone. I don’t even know if me and Glen are technically together right now but its not over till the fat lady sings you out of this apartment then you say you’re done. Lol But I don’t know what to do with all of this. And I cant say this shit outloud because ….well….I don’t want to. I could NEVERRR tell Glen about this. He doesn’t talk about his past a lot. He doesn’t really like it when I talk about my past either. Almost like you don’t want to know about my life before you. Like it doesnt matter. He hold a lot of stuff against me. Even the fact that he was talking to me while I dated someone else. But he knew I was honest but he still acts like Im a flake who holds guys on the side lines blah blah blah. There is actually another guy involved in this too but I spared yall eyes and just left it at the simple point because I don’t know what to do. Even if you cant tell me what to do. Just give me some insight on my crazy lmao. Glen is probably off points alone the best guy ive dated. But past that the technical he stresses me the fuck out lol & I don’t even gotta worry about you cheating. Like if that’s one thing I do know its that I am the apple of his eye. ONLY apple. Lol I haven’t given time to let the change really sink in but with John in the back of my mind Im questioning sometimes what I am fighting for. Am I fighting to still be dissatisfied in the end. and being disgustingly honest. If I do want to reach out to John am I just going to let more and more time go by without talking to him what if someone else takes him? I don’t want my decision to be influenced by anyone other than me and what Glen have going on. I have given a year of my life to him. I do love him. I am in love with him. But I feel like he didn’t MAKE me fall in love I CHOSE it. I feel like Glen is working on making me feel more in love passionately. But I don’t want to waste anymore time I guess is what I am getting at. Glen is not about those games if we aren’t together he will literally never talk to me again. Period. Straight up. I just feel like everything I did to John is what Glen is doing to me. Pressuring me, nagging at me. Putting me in a position that I may not be ready for. Now I see what that can do to a person. It can make you lie, it can make you do things that you may not understand because theres a great person standing in front of you that you don’t want to lose but you also want to be true to yourself. John let me push him and that caused problems in our relationship I couldn’t see then. Now in hindsight I have learned and I see. Pressure makes me resent you. I didn’t think I was asking for too much but when someone has already broke past their comfort and you ask for more and assume they should do more you end up places man. So now with all this new found knowledge about what I think I know now. I just at a loss for what to do . Understand my lesson and let it play out with Glen, because Glen doesn’t see just like I didn’t see how what he does affects me and our relationship. He doesn’t see why I want him to move out and have my own space again. So maybe he will and we will be ok. Or we break up and I use my lesson later. HELPP I’m done talking. I don’t even want to pre read this because its just too much. Hopefully someone answers me.