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Hello. A little update on me

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • #105591
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Libby,

    I would move half an hour from where your husband works in the opposite direction from where your mother lives. If that makes sense.

    Then you can truthfully say to your children that your mom lives an hour away so we only see her on holidays.

    You AND your mom are caught in this dance that no one can win. So start over by changing the script. Anyone can behave and hold it together for a holiday. She now doesn’t “have” to call to see you because of the drive.

    I speak from experience. My dad is like your mom. We are virtual strangers. I dropped the one sided relationship rope and now ONLY see him for holidays. My older children are hurt like yours, but I tell them that their grandpa is just “that way”. I never talk about him in front of them and we live very happily in our own Universe.

    Move.

    Nothing creates distance like distance. You need distance.

    Inky

    #105605
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Libby:

    Thank you for the update. The best sentence in your thread above, for me, is: “I am now protecting myself and my children and refusing her visits…”

    In a perfect world, you will be accepting your mother’s visits and your three children will be enjoying the love in between all parties, but this is far from being a perfect world. We have to do our best with the real world we live in, in your case, your real world.

    I am glad your son is doing so well. You acted for his benefit and he was benefited. Would have been nice if your mother acted for your benefit. But this is not your reality.

    The fact that her visits caused you to crash for a couple of days with fatigue which triggered anxiety is all I need to know regarding whether or not you should allow her to visit. No, is my answer. Your son cried in school because he saw you unwell, didn’t he? Isn’t it most important to operate for your well being and not against your well being as a mother? Obviously your sons suffer when you are unwell.

    In a perfect world… oh, this is not a perfect world. If I was you I would talk to the children, one at a time or all together, as you see fit, and explain to them that having your mother, their grandmother, is your life is unhealthy for you. And that you have to take care of your health best you can. And this is why you do not allow her to visit. Not allowing her to be present in your life, I believe, should not be negotiable.

    Allowing your children to visit with her without you, at her place or a third location, is possible, if it doesn’t hurt them. You can ask your children, individually maybe, how each feels about visiting her in her home. And if such visits take place, check with them over time, learn if such visits benefit them or harms them, then re-evaluate.

    I would let my mother know, if I was you, that visiting my children is possible in her own home, not in mine and not with me being present.

    A side note: she is uncomfortable being around you because she doesn’t want to deal with her wrong doing since your brother’s behavior. She doesn’t want the discomfort of guilt, so this is why she is … uncomfortable. A decent mother would look at herself and evaluate her behavior, but she is not. And so, it is what it is.

    Post again anytime with thoughts, feelings, anything.

    anita

    #105610
    Libby
    Participant

    Thank you Inky.

    I would move in a heartbeat but my children are very settled with great friends, if they were younger then I would move for sure but now they are all older, one son is going through his GCSE’s as of next year,s o it’s just not an option. I also have my 12 year old son to think of, he has just come through horrific anxiety and is now so happy, great friends…. I would not uproot him as it would make things worse for him just when things have calmed.

    I have discussed moving with the children and none of them were happy about it, 2 even cried so I am not going to hurt my children to move away from my mum but in an ideal world I’d not live by her or any of my family as I find it very uncomfortable. Luckily the children are a 15 minute drive away from them and don’t bump into them so we also like you live in a happy little universe just the 5 of us. Of course it hurts when someone is so close by, my husband says he would rather be 10,000 miles away because then it hurts less that they make no effort to see you. He is right but I just can’t risk hurting my children further because of my mothers mistakes. I’d rather stay where we are than hurt my children.

    Thank you for your kind words. You are right, it’s just not do able.

    Julie

    #105611
    Libby
    Participant

    Thank you Anita for your kind reply.

    Exactly, I am being realistic. I no longer crave the mother we all have this idea of in our mind, I accept my mother just isn’t that way, it hurts but it is what it is. It doesn’t mean I like how she behaves.

    My son sees me tired, this isn’t something that just happens due to me seeing my mum. The day he saw me feeling poorly, I was just so exhausted and weak. I must have looked terrible for him to be upset my mother doesn’t’ support me lol! Bless him. I drove them to school, I cooked and cleaned. I behave as normal but yes on a crash day I look drained. It does upset the children when I am in a crash but they understand it’s part of my illness and they are wonderful human beings and will do a few chores to give me a hand after school which I reward them for with pocket money.

    I have learnt to listen to my body. For too long during my ill health I have allowed my mother to visit then paid for it for days after with sheer exhaustion and anxiety. All because the emotions of it drained me and triggered a CFS crash. CFS crashes hit from too much physical exertion or emotional. I have learnt to listen to my body and become mindful of those that drain my energy, and those that uplift it. My mother is an energy drainer, as are all my family and that was why I walked away from them. Then when I became unwell with my thyroid and CFS I had to listen to my body even more and recently noticed just how ill seeing my mother makes me feel.

    You’re exactly right. My mum is on pins around me, it even pains her to ask ‘so how are you feeling?’ it takes her ages to ask me when she sees me. She is on pins, she senses how cold and civil I am, she hates what we have become but like you say she is not taking a look at her behaviour and changing it and that is why i am only civil now and polite. I am always polite, never do I tell her how I feel because that is wasted energy. Last October after she said to my children ‘you know where i live’ I sat her down and coldly, I showed no emotion but told her straight that she is either in my childrens lives or she is out. I won’t have someone treating them as an option. She should treat them equally as she does her other grandchildren. I also said ‘i have given up on us, I accept that you don’t want to be my mum, but I won’t have you hurting my children’. She sat there open mouthed shocked at how to the point I was. I also said at the end of the conversation ‘I am not showing any emotion mum because I accept you and I and how you feel about me, but I am making sure you don’t hurt my children. See this as a chance to change and be the grandmother i know you can be to the others, but with my 3 and if nothing changes and i become more and more distant just remember this conversation because I won’t ever sit here and tell you how I feel again because we have been here to many times mum and nothing ever changes so this is my last time saying all of this’. Well she came to visit 3 days later after that, she took us to a local tea room for cake and tea, it was nice. I hoped she had wised up and realised but no since then nothing has changed, if anything things got worse because weeks later my health issues began and my son became unwell due to the bullying in school. She walked away from us and only visit I’d say 3 times between November and January. The day she said ‘you know I would if I could’ when I told her about my son and how I wished I had a mother who cared and wanted to support me, well we died that day. Things have never ever been this bad and now it is just we are civil and when she comes to visit she is so nervous around me. I think it is because she knows I won’t ever talk again about how bad things are but she is not willing to remember that talk and change. SHe knows exactly why we are where we are, and it’s all her own doing. It’s her choice.

    I will talk to my children, I kind of have told them how I am hurt by my mum and they are all hurt she hasn’t been there for my son and for me. They are all at ages where they are little adults and very aware. I never bad mouth her to them, I am not like that but they are very aware that I do not have a good relationship with my mum purely due to her never visiting and they’ve witnessed my mum not being around during my ill health.

    Things are good in my life, I am improving, on medication for my thyroid now and I am so happy and blessed. I just find it hard to see my mum just for my childrens sakes when really by seeing her she walks away and makes no effort again. I think for me it’s more the pain that she didn’t support me through these last 6 months. I could really have done with some support seeing my son go through that hell, and it caused me to feel so unwell seeing him like that. Not having a mum around was tough, although i am used to it, during tough times it still hits me hard that my mother isn’t around like she should be. It makes me stronger though. It is what it is, and I have a clear conscience that I did all I could to make my mum realise how she behaves is wrong. As I always say, you can take a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

    Thanks again for your lovely support.

    Julie

    #105612
    Libby
    Participant

    Anita

    I forgot to say. I’d never let my mum see my children without me around because last year she asked if she could have my sons over for a sleepover. I agreed on the basis that she respected mine and my husbands wishes and didn’t let my brother visit while she had my children over. She agreed but the following morning my son text me begging me to hurry and pick him up because my mum had my brother at the house. When I collected them I refused to enter the house and she shook her head at me angry that i wouldn’t come in. She didn’t speak to me for 2 weeks angry that I was upset my brother was there and i wouldn’t enter, making him feel uncomfortable. I told her she went against my wishes and should not have had my brother near my children. This is a ‘man’ (I struggle to call him that) who attacked my husband unprovoked infront of my children out of the blue and had to be arrested and taken away from our home. A year later after he swore he had gone for help with his mental illness, he chased me in his car and told my mother when he got hold of me he was going to kill me (and he meant it). My mother knew he wanted to kill me and she never called me to warn me to go somewhere safe. I saw him in my car and he chased me, I ran into a police station where he followed me in, attempted to assault me and a police officer and was arrested and thrown into a cell for the night. So she knew full well why he wasn’t allowed near my children. She took great pleasure in telling me that the boys were fine when my brother was at the house, in her words ‘they were laughing and joking with him so I think it’s just you and your husband turning them against him as they were fine when you weren’t here’. Little did she know my sons were texting me to pick them up quickly. I spoke to my boys and they were upset saying their grandmother had lied as they just said hello to him to be polite and were too scared to chat to him.

    She takes great pleasure in doing things like that to ease my brothers guilt as he is apparently wracked with guilt that he hurt my children and is scared to see them as he thinks they hate him. So she wants to ease his guilt, but in the process hurt me and rub in my face that my children love my brother, which is simply untrue. My poor children are terrified of him and it’s why i cut him out of our lives.

    Sorry for the whole chapter and verse, but I haven’t ever opened up about that. She can never see my children without me as I don’t trust her.

    #105614
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Libby:

    When I wrote to you the last post here, on this thread, I didn’t refresh my memory by reading your previous thread or threads. And now that I read your last two posts here and especially the last one, I am thinking it is definitely a bad idea to have your children visit their grandmother without supervision, either yours or your husband, being present the whole time. Having you present with your mother is a bad idea, I have no doubt. This leaves them visiting with her with your husband’s supervision only.

    I strongly feel that you should have no contact with her. I think it is a good idea that none of the five of you should have contact with her: she’s been bad news to all of you for a long, long time.

    Why not talk about cutting all contact with her (and your brother) with your husband. Then, as a united front, gather the three children for a family meeting for this purpose. For the children having contact with her at this point is at best bitter-sweet. It is not a good thing. At best they will have a few good moment with her followed by hurt and sadness. Whatever crying they have done already about their grandmother not being there for you and for them, let them cry once and for all, that is, let them grieve and complete their grieving. No need to have their wounds open up again and again with hope and disappointment, hope and hurt, again and again.

    What do you think about such a compete ending of contact with her?

    anita

    #105778
    Libby
    Participant

    Thank you Anita

    I agree, no way can I allow my mum to see my children alone.

    I think it will come to the point that I have to cut all contact. I cannot allow her to make my children hurt and feel sad. She comes around and they love her visit but then she walks away again and they ask why their Nan is with their cousins daily, why she goes to the zoo with them, why she does trips with them and spends time with them yet saw my children once in the summer holidays last year and then only visit as I begged her to as my children were upset. I won’t allow that anymore.

    I just know she will just blame it on me, as she always does. She will say when I was ill with my physical ill health these 6 months I went ‘funny’ with her, when infact i just went distant because she rejected me and hasnt’ been anywhere for me or my son. Maybe I am just going by my standards but if one of my children were ill physically plus had a suicidal son being bullied I’d be there for them night or day, I’d walk over hot coals to get to them. My mother has been nowhere for me. She is a poor excuse for a mother. If she treated my siblings the same it would be easier to accept but she babysits for my sister all week and even weekends to give her a break. She sees my other sister and brother and their children every day. She knows I have been ill and has never even rang to ask about my results. So in recent weeks when she asked to visit I said no, for my own sanity and put myself before my children wanting to see their Nan, it’s about time I did that.

    Another thing that hurts in all of this is that since my brother attacked my 4 years ago and I cut all contact with him (I have no contact with my brother, no sure if you realised that) my sisters sided with him and resented me. My sister invited me to her wedding last summer and I didn’t go, which hurt me but I could not go as I hadn’t spoken to family in 2 years. The day my sisters turned their backs on me I lost my niece and nephews and that has destroyed me. I loved them so much and I have lost them all. My sisters came to me last year and said they wanted me in their lives and were sorry so I agree to be civil and I did it for the kids to see their cousins again but things haven’t worked out, my sisters also know I have been very poorly and not once asked if i am ok, or even messaged me. So things haven’t changed with them either. I am sure they resent me and think I am a terrible auntie to their children but it’s extremely difficult to be an auntie to your niece and nephews when their parents have treated you so badly. I cry alot about that as I miss my nice and nephews and I get upset my children don’t have cousins in their lives. I do find that something i struggle with as I fear their children will resent me and think I am a terrible auntie. My sisters live doors from eachother and their children are best friends and both very involved aunties. It hurts me they took that away from me and now our relationships are so destroyed that I can’t be the auntie I want to be. My friends tell me my sisters are toxic and you have to stay away from them to protect yourself, the poor children are innocent and know you love them. When I do see them I smoother them with cuddles and tell them I love them. They are bwtween the ages of 10 and 3. I miss them but it’s just too hard to be in their lives with their mothers being the way they are towards me. Even my own mother has commented how terrible my sisters treat me which really is funny coming from her 😉

    Thank you for your kind reply.

    Julie

    #105788
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Julie:

    I understand you have no contact with your brother. It also makes sense to me that your mother and sisters are in a clique of sorts, united and you are outside that clique. I think your sisters make your mother feel comfortable about her dishonesty and so she feels comfortable spending lots of time with them. When she said you turned “funny” with her, it probably means you challenged her with the truth. For people uncomfortable with the truth, well.. they avoid discomfort.

    So to get back into the click, you will have to big time accommodate dishonesty and injustice. You will have to turn yourself .. unfunny with your mother, that is reconnect with your brother with great shows of love. Same with the rest.

    Short of that, you are the odd one in the group of mother and siblings. I don’t see how you can change this situation, being the one on the outside unless you join the group with the behavior I mentioned, do what they do.

    Your illness, CFS, if not caused by this trauma, it is highly affected by this ongoing trauma. You owe it to yourself to choose: are you going to reconnect lovingly with your brother, accommodate your mother and sisters’ thinking, act like them OR separate completely, from your mother at the least.

    Your children are carrying not only their distress but yours, knowing how you feel, how you are hurt by your mother and that bothers them. I think it is best for you to cut all contact with her. No longer sitting on the fence, neither here nor there.

    anita

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