Hi,

I’ve never posted on any blog or forum, mostly cause I’m very paranoid and assume it will be traced back to me and used against me when I’m in the limelight… but seriously I could use some fresh, objective souls to ask about my situation. Any light any of you are able to shine on it would be greatly appreciated.

The story starts two years ago, when I began online dating, just for the fun of it. I went on one date, before meeting my current girlfriend, she was the second date. And I have to confess, in hindsight, it was lust at first sight, she has amazing, piercing blue eyes, with so much mischief and femininity I think she can slay any man if she really committed to it. She smiled and radiates goodness. Anyway, I was hooked. I soon fell into my usual anxious, obsession with a girl. I know I am prone to these “fevers” that turn me into a psycho. I think it comes from years of rejection, and perceived alienation. Before I really took the chance to take things slow and evaluate this match in depth i made it my mission to win her over, at all cost. I could tell even then that there might be some issues, but i figured these were just excuses that we make, just to keep ourselves from going after what we want. It took a few dates before I realized, jee, the conversations don’t engross, and at times it fell to an uncomfortable silence. And yet what I saw was a beautiful, innocent girl, who was awkward and insecure, despite having this glowing, sweet, beauty about her. I remember looking over at her at a dinner and deciding, I’m going to love this girl, she deserves to be loved and taken care of.

As the relationship went on, I saw more flashes of things not being right, of a match that wasn’t ideal, for either of us. And this is where it get’s interesting, I noticed that she was clearly taken by my roomate. My roomate was a good friend who had recently separated from his girlfriend. I had no evidence to suspect anything, and yet my gut and mind told me different. I imagined a bump in the bathroom between them in the middle of the night, while i was asleep. And that was the birth of a anxious jelousy that has consumed my life for the past two years. I might have tired of the relationship and it might have ended amicably and pleasantly. Instead this jelousy caused me to accelerate the relationship. Time and time again, when we are in groups or in the company of different men. I become a jelous, insecure mess. The relationship with that friend was ruined of course. This insecurity has spread to other aspects of my self perception. Did i mention through out this that I purposefully pushed the relationship tighter, how much out of love, and how much out of jelous possessiveness I don’t know, I can’t tell anymore.

I have carried tremendous shame and guilt over my behavior. I’ve thought several times of ending it, especially when I see her flirtatious ways. Yes by now there is truly some love, on both our parts, but i’ve also done a great job of avoiding situations where I might be embarrassed in front of her or avoid situations where she might get close to other attractive men. I haven’t felt worthy of being with her and am a shadow of the man I once was. And yet she stays. She shows me love and from what i know, has been faithful. But she has also been critical of my shortcomings in passive aggressive ways, but at this point I can’t blame her.

I spend, hours, days, weeks, thinking about my relationship over and over again, my self esteem and self worth are through the floor. I am unhappy a lot of the time, my other relationships have suffered, but I feel obligated to stay committed to the girl i promised to love and protect. The girl i chose.

Do I accept that I was never really “in Love” with this girl and allow us both to move on? Work on being the true me, living the right life for me, and try with someone new?

or Do I man up and try my best to love and keep this girl, and confront my fears of not being good enough for her, and risk seeing her leave me? for I rather try and fail, than give up at the bottom of the mountain for fear of never reaching the top, if it is true love.

Thoughts?