fbpx
Menu

Heartbroken: nobody to talk to.

Home→Forums→Relationships→Heartbroken: nobody to talk to.

New Reply
Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • December 30, 2019 at 10:09 am #330241
    Valora
    Participant

    Honestly, I wouldn’t break ties in this case, if it were me. Just hold space for him. When he says hello, say hello back and have a nice conversation. Keep your heart open to others during this time, though, don’t just wait around for him because it may be a long time (years even) before he gets into a position where he could have a long-distance relationship again, but I don’t think you need to close the door entirely, because this seems like it’s 100% personal circumstances and not anything with you and his relationship, so once his circumstances return to a more normal and less stressful state, you guys may be able to work something out later on. Again, this may take years though, so be sure to remain open to other options for yourself as well.

    In the meantime, it’s going to hurt to have less of him in your life, and it’s okay to miss him and to let yourself feel that pain and then let it out. But after some time, you’ll get used to not talking to him so much and it will feel less painful. I really hope his mom gets feeling better and that his situation overall improves. They’ve all suffered a terrible loss, and I’m sure the criminal investigation is extremely stressful, and that’s actually probably why his mom relapsed (stress hurts the immune system) so just expect that he’s going to have to get through all of that and allow his life to return to normalcy before he’ll be ready to commit to anyone.

    December 30, 2019 at 1:22 pm #330299
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear DoUremember:

    It reads to me that if you are able and willing to accept him as a boyfriend/husband whose time, hard work and resources go first to his parents/ his family of origin, and never complain about it, then he will have you as his girlfriend or wife.

    His interest in you reads sincere to me and your rational, sensible and honest writing leads me to believe that he is indeed, as you described: “sweet, generous, responsible, genuine and caring, hard worker and .. extremely funny”. Unfortunately he is also overly-responsible to his parents who take advantage of  him.

    Question is, is do you want this kind of life: watching your husband work hard so many, long hours, day after day, year after year,  for his family of origin, not for you, but for them?

    anita

    January 1, 2020 at 3:01 am #330573
    DoUremember
    Participant

    Hi valora,

     

    Thank you for taking the time to read my story. That means a lot! I know you are right and I shouldn’t break ties with him. And I feel like a horrible person for feeling this upset when it’s his mom that is severally ill.. And he is the one who has to endure all the things that are going on over there, its not fair on him to have my tears next to it.

     

    That’s why I am torn between keeping contact and cutting ties so he can devote his time on his family. I know in my heart that the last one would be best for him. But it’s that same heart that doesn’t want to let go of him. I just wished he lived nearby so the whole situation which is going on between us wasn’t even a situation. And yet, I am here.. Sobbing, while he has every right to break down. Its just a break up, his mom is battling for her life, I have no right to be so upset. I’ll get over it…. Some day. I will take your advise to heart. Thank you very much! I hope you had a brilliant new year with all the ppl you love. May 2020 be kind to you!

     

    X

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by DoUremember.
    January 1, 2020 at 3:24 am #330577
    DoUremember
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply. Sometimes it’s nice to see another perspective. It means a lot!

     

    You are right about his parents. They do rely on him, a lot. Always had always will. I once made a comment (months ago) about the fact I only heard them banging the door when they needed something from him, not to ask how he was doing. He was always a bit withdrawn to go outside his room ( to pee for example) because when they see him they always ask for something. ( fixing this, pick up that, help here do that.. Or asking for money, which they do a lot since he earns a lot) and I iasked if they ever say thank you. His answer was: no and that its normal since it their roof. When his brother in law died, his mom asked for 3500 euro ( +/- 4000 us dollars) for funeral. He gave it.. Just to find out later that only 800 euro ( 1100 us dollars) went to the funeral. I joked about it when they ordered Chinese and offered him some too.. And said, you might as well eat some of it since you paid for it.  xD I just feel like they take advantage of his kind nature and he feels obligated to do whatever they ask.

     

    He was in a relationship for 8 years with a girl, which he broke up with several times because he wasn’t in love / loved her the right way. But his mom adored her, so she pushed him back into that relationship every time. I don’t want to bad mouth anybody by writing this, because his mom is a kind soul. Super sensitive too. Yesterday I felt a bit heartbroken for him. Since his dad treated him like a 12 year old boy who wasn’t allowed to come over. He had to stay there.. And for what.. To stay in his room.. Saying new year wishes in between to his parents and feeling miserable. He might didn’t show or said so, since he always hide behind humor, but I knew he was. Knowing he should have been here with me if all didn’t happen. Nobody should be alone on new years eve. He texted me exactly at 00:00 wishing me a happy new year and a happy birthday. He did not forget!

     

    What I am trying to say here is, I’d probably wouldnt open my mouth and say something.. Because I respect him and the ones he loves. I would be able to accept that family comes first. I, myself, come from a broken home and I was raised in Foster care from the age of 2  before I got my own “space” at the age of 17. So I don’t know how it’s like to have family but I do know what the importance is to have it in your life. And that’s why I am willing to step back when things get rough over there.

     

    I want to say thank you again. For beigg honest not sugarcoating things. I appreciate it. I hope you had a wonderful new years eve and that you have spend it with the ppl you love. May 2020 be a blessing!

     

    X

     

     

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by DoUremember.
    • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by DoUremember.
    • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by DoUremember.
    January 1, 2020 at 7:58 am #330605
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear HoUremember:

    You are welcome, thank you for your kind words and wishes and Happy New Year to you!

    You wrote about this man: “he calls what we have intimate, something he hasn’t experienced before”.

    Let’s look at his relationship with his parents, let’s look for intimacy there, a closeness, a trust:

    1. “he’s been brought up to not cry and be there for others”- to let him cry and express empathy for him as he cried, and to encourage him to be there for himself, not just for others, would have been intimate.

    2. “if they ask something he will do it… He was always a bit withdrawn to go outside his room (to pee for example) because when they see him they always ask for something (fixing this… asking for money).. I asked if they ever day thank you. His answer was: no and that its normal since it (is) their roof”- if there was intimacy between him and his parents, he wouldn’t prefer to hold his pee and be uncomfortable that way, so to not be seen and talked to by his parents. If there was intimacy, they would say thank you, showing him sincere appreciation for fixing and financing their roof. And they would do it so regularly, that it would appear.. normal to him.

    3. His mother asked him for about $4,000 for a particular purpose, he gave it to her, she then used only $800 for her stated purpose and pocketed $3,200- –well,  if there was intimacy between him and his mother, she wouldn’t con him (a con that could be taken to civil court in the US, for the return of $3,200.

    4. His mother repeatedly pushed him into a relationship he didn’t want to be in- she liked the woman her son was with, so she didn’t mind that he didn’t. What she feels matter, what he feels doesn’t- not an intimate relationship between mother and son.

    5. “He now will work 12 hrs a day, 6 days a week, just to financially support his parents”- intimacy and financial servitude/ slavery don’t go together.

    6. He wanted to visit you, but his father “demanded him to stay in Ireland.. help them out in and around the house. He was shattered, but obeys his dad”- intimacy does not demand, nor does it obey. Neither is it selfish.

    The rest of my thoughts: you wrote “I respect him and the ones he loves”- he does love his parents, but why respect parents who use, con and enslave another person, specifically, their own son?

    You shared that you come from a broken home, having been raised in foster care from 2-17, that you “don’t know how it’s like to have family”, but that you “do know what the importance is to have it in your life”- it is important to have a family in your life if it is a loving family. That’s not his parents, not my parents. So many of us grew up with unloving families.

    You wrote: “it’s breaking my heart because we were such a good team and I really miss him”- this is what intimacy is, being a good team. Neither one in the team uses the other, neither one is selfish, neither one demands or obeys, neither one cons the other for financial gain or deceives the other for any reason, neither one enslaves the other.

    He got a taste of intimacy with you for the first time in his life, but he was trained to be a slave to his parents.

    Where do you take it from here, if anywhere?

    anita

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.