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Heartbreak from a person with BPD

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  • June 5, 2020 at 2:13 pm #357689
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lil. lilly:

    “I don’t understand why he is so angry at me. What do I do?”- it doesn’t read to me that you did anything wrong. Reads to me that he was angry before the pandemic, then the pandemic happened and most recently, the tragedy of George Floyd’s death by police officers, then the demonstrations, civil unrest and lootings, and violence, all while the pandemic, quarantines and lockdowns and economic devastation are still happening.. and all together, he is besides himself.

    None of these things justify him mistreating of you. Again, reads like  you did nothing wrong. This relationship fell victim to his pre-existing, unmanaged anger, fueled by recent global (pandemic) and national (US civil unrest) events.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by .
    June 6, 2020 at 7:44 am #357738
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi lil.lilly,

    It sounds like he dumped you before you could dump him, honestly. I was reading the whole thing thinking, “Red flag, red flag, red flag”, then “Dump him, dump him, dump him”. Then when I read he dumped you I was honestly disappointed because I had a whole answer thought out for how you should dump him LOL!

    Girl, there is a reason why he is divorced! You couldn’t live like that. When you finally date someone nice and normal you will be SHOCKED, and angry at yourself, for letting him treat you that way.

    Best,

    Inky

    June 9, 2020 at 6:27 am #358005
    lil.lily
    Participant

    @inky I just don’t understand what happened and why he was like that towards me. I am trying to make sense of it. I know it takes time. I’m just open, approachable, and friendly. Did he take it the wrong way?

    June 9, 2020 at 10:27 am #358033
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi lily,

    This sounds a lot like an experience I had (which you can read about on my previous posts). Like you, I was tied up in knots trying to figure out what I had done wrong for a long while, and in the end… it was true what people said, it was just him.

    In fact, having read and learned a lot about BPD and vulnerable narcissism in the past little while, I think I can determine with decent accuracy that the person I knew had some of this going on (he even suggested as much, about the BPD).

    You are approachable, open, and friendly. Don’t let his gas-lighting or manipulation of the situation make you doubt yourself.

    And like Inky said, you will indeed be shocked when you are treated with basic decency with the next person you date. An important step in my healing and letting go of my bad relationship was being around happy couples who treated each other with kindness and love. Even if these weren’t destined to be ‘forever romances’, the work toward commitment was there. It helped me to see that what I was expecting from my ex was totally within reason, that I wasn’t, as I’d worried, being clingy or demanding. Relationships, all kinds of relationships, take work.

    Here’s a quote from Aldo Leopold I came across which, although it relates to ecology and environmentalism, is pretty apt for relationships, and it helped me to think through it in my time of need.

    “A thing is right when it tends to preserve the integrity, stability, and beauty of the biotic community. It is wrong when it tends otherwise.”

    You could think of your brain as the biotic community in this case.

    – LW

    June 10, 2020 at 9:33 am #358161
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Again,

    In my mind he has BPD, which is a mental illness. Therefore when he says something hurtful and/or something that doesn’t make sense, that is an expression of his mental illness. If he snarled that you were a pink giraffe, would you believe him? NO! Why? Because you are not a pink giraffe. Did you DO or SAY anything that warranted him calling you a pink giraffe? No! Of course not!

    And by the way, what if someone is hurtful and doesn’t have a mental illness, or if the BPD is not to blame? Then that is called a jerk, Lily. You were dating a jerk. Who needs him?

    Inky

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