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Heart broken and This washy Choice

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • December 27, 2014 at 6:52 am #69871
    Kevin
    Participant

    Hi all i will try and keep this short and to the point. I was married for 2 years 9 months but with her for 3 years before so all in all 6 year relationship. I work in Afghanistan as a military contractor and have 2 wee girls from a previous relationship they are 11 and 13. My wife always had trust issues because of her previous relationships and never fully trusted me i don’t think. Over the last year or so it became really really bad to the point where whilst in Afghan i would be accused on a daily basis. This all became pretty hard for me to deal with and we ended up fighting a fair bit. She gave me a choice. Give up work go home start a family with her and stay at home to help look after the baby. I Love my wife dearly but with no money or income and no job how was i ever meant to support my 2 girls and also a new born baby i just couldn’t have done it. My girls at the time lived over 300 miles away and i could no way ever afford to go get them or pay for them with no job and only a small income from my wife coming in to support us. I told her a baby wasn’t a great idea and she just went nuts on me. This got so bad she told me she hoped i died in Afghanistan and that if she wasn’t good enough to have children with then she didn’t want my 2 girls around as she started to resent them. I returned home on 2nd December and we sat for 3 days going round and round and round i was left with a choice as i seen it right or wrong. I pack and go and spend xmas with my girls or i stay at the house be very unhappy that i let 2 wee girls down and sink in to depression fast i chose to leave the family home and rent a house for me and my girls to spend xmas at. My two wee girls have been with me non stop since i got back and have and are still loving every second with me. I have done well up until xmas day and now i feel sick at the thought of walking out on my wife 3 weeks before xmas i know in my heart that i had no choice and i had to pick the girls happiness and for that to happen i have to be sad for them to be happy. I have stayed no contact until last night and now i feel broke and don’t know what way to turn i know i had no choice but why do i feel guilty and sad if this was my doing

    December 28, 2014 at 4:58 am #69884
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi inneedoffaith,

    Can I just be the first to say that your wife is crazy.

    I can understand the new wife wanting her own baby. I really do. But NO. SHE has to stay home with it! At least until your girls are older and have the means to visit you!

    Also, she knew going in that you have two children. Her saying “Me or Them” backfired. And I’m glad it did. Who does she think she is? (Oh, yes, the wife. Well, maybe she shouldn’t be!) Usually this ultimatum is unsaid and the guy unwittingly chooses the new family. But good for making the RIGHT decision!!

    Basically she should know (she does by now!) that the children come first. Maybe in ten years or so she can conceivably come first.

    This is why people really shouldn’t date while they have kids, much less get married IMO. Who needs that awful brew?

    You made the Right Decision,

    Inky

    December 28, 2014 at 5:04 am #69885
    Kevin
    Participant

    Thank you Inky, I love my children with all my heart. I could never walk out on them it isn’t in me. And i need to accept for them to remain happy i need to be unhappy

    December 28, 2014 at 5:14 am #69886
    jade green
    Participant

    Dear Faith,

    “She gave me a choice. Give up work go home start a family with her and stay at home to help look after the baby.”

    I don’t see no choice there. You said you feel bad for leaving her 3 weeks before xmas but.. I truly don’t see any choice there. I don’t know what to say. I just don’t think you should blame yourself or anything.

    December 28, 2014 at 5:29 am #69887
    Kevin
    Participant

    Healingun, I tried everything i could to talk her round my big fear wasn’t having another child i like to think i am a good father and never let my children down. My main concern was me giving up work and the chance of any decent income i just couldn’t see how i could afford to look after a new born and 2 girls at the other end of the country with no money. I already gave up everything i could to keep her happy friends family any self worth i had i tried everything until i had nothing left to give but the thought that i couldn’t have my 2 girls and i couldn’t have walked away from them never in a million years, I just feel down and a bit sad that my marriage is well and truly over and hope i can pick myself up soon and wake without feeling guilt

    December 28, 2014 at 9:26 am #69890
    Anne
    Participant

    It’s hard to be the one who walks away, even when it’s the right thing to do There will be people who view you as the “bad guy” because of the timing, but you absolutely did the right thing. There was no choice here that would make everyone happy, sadly, but you made the right call. It takes time to get over a marriage breakdown, be kind to yourself while you heal.

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