So… this Christmas was acknowledged between us to be cash-short on my side, which has been one of the recurring sore spots over the years of my fiscal malfeasance.  While everything seemed to go quietly and reasonably, I have a feeling the likely reason for most of that was her simply refusing to let any frustration show out of a desire to not spend the holiday angry and contemptuous.  I’m using the time and emotional space to try and “live 2019”, that is, to imagine what life next year could be like and act like that now as much as possible.

Seems like the strongest way to break my habit of cringing, caving in internally, and saying nothing to try to outlive the shame.

Instead I’m doing my best to keep positive and acknowledge that I have a lot of changes inside that need to accumulate outward signs soon.  And the good part is that I still feel that different (from before the 18th); putting her first amongst all the various things to do is going to be a challenge until my task anxiety eases off, but overall I feel like I’m committed and motivated to do my best in our relationship up to the point where we’re past her disappointment and distrust.

Not off the runway just yet, but the engines are finally at power and the nose wheel is lifting…

So it’s been a month, and there’s been days happening… Some better, some worse, but generally, with me less panicky and being able to share more easily, it’s been better.  There are paths forward from who and where we are to a more comfortable financial and home situation, and I feel like we’re slowly growing back closer to each other and trust is starting to come back.

Except, not long ago this morning, I participated in what was obviously a contrived meeting with a manager, near the main entrance of the building I work at, and was asked to turn in my badge, company phone, and company laptop, and they won’t need me to return, they’ll box up my personal effects and ensure they’re delivered.

This is not a very good Valentine’s Day present for her.

I have a vague idea what pretense they will mention for a reason to dismiss me, but that’s almost beside the point.  I knew I was tired of the job and have already started applying elsewhere. (That probably made it back to my management, hence an idea what the pretense would be.)  I would have liked a smooth give my two weeks sort of transition, but cookies crumble, right?

I really don’t look forward to telling her this afternoon.  But I’m trying to take this as more of a “now I’ll have full time to customize resumes, cover letters, and put my name out there… get interviewed and hired and be done with phase of life”.

I anticipate her being angry, frustrated, probably going to push all the “just can’t be the man and hold it together and BE what you need to be” buttons, and I’m probably going to quietly tell her that I’ve successfully job hunted before and besides I have great leads on the jobs I’m applying for, and more positives as fast as I can think of them and it’ll help a little and she’ll still be angry because she’s afraid and tired of having to patch over my financial issues.

Difference this time is I know the pattern, and I’m not the dissociated putz I used to be.  I’m going to get back into software work and do very well and this is just a rougher patch on the way to better things.

And I believe I have vented about as much as I need to right this second and thanks for being such an awesome group (esp you anita, I see you all over this place 🙂 and I’ll have more stories of ups and downs I’m sure.

Going to go home early, do extra housework and be prepared for the whirlwind of conversation…