He told me he’s an addict, do I leave or stay?

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This topic has 14 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 7 months ago by Freida.

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December 27, 2018 at 3:15 pm #271173
hopeful80
Participant
Hi! My heart is heavy and could use some advice please.??

I’ve been dating my long distance boyfriend now for 6 months. I saw him for Thanksgiving and when he left, he told me he was confused, scared, and worried that the distance will be too hard. We’ve been seeing each other once a month, we’re a 4.5 flight away from each other. As a solution, I offered to travel more frequently, to FaceTime more to which he shot down and said it would be too expensive and we needed to be smart with our money. After hanging up with him on 11/26, he ghosted me for a month. I, of course, went into panic mode! All of my texts, calls, and messages were left unanswered.

We had immediate chemistry and connection, we were planning a move to be in the same zip code in a year, we’d met each others families. And he just disappeared. Note: he wasn’t hurt, he was very much alive and well.

On 12/22, he finally called. And tried to apologize. And said that he was an addict. He admitted that he would go into my liquor cabinet and take shots of whatever was in there while I was showering. He admitted that while out getting coffees, he would buy airplane shots at the local liquor store and drink them before coming back. He said he loved me so much that he thought if he just disappeared, I would move on. And I wouldn’t have to deal with this. In his mind, by ghosting me he was protecting me but all he accomplished was breaking my heart and robbing me of my spirit (I realize this sounds dramatic) but it felt like this.

In the times that we spent together, I never thought he had a problem. He didn’t drink excessively. But there were times when we spoke on the phone that he was drunk. And I could tell. But I thought he’d just had drinks with buddies during Monday night football or watching hockey games. Never did I think he was a functioning alcoholic.

If I leave him, I’ll feel guilt that I’m not supporting him. I’m his strongest support system. If I stay, the bottle will always win if he doesn’t seek sobriety. How do I decide what to do?
- This topic was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by hopeful80.
December 27, 2018 at 6:38 pm #271187

Mark
Participant

Long distance is not real. It takes the ups and downs, the body language face-to-face, and the everyday trials-and-tribulations to make a real relationship. 6 months is not really 6 months. Once a month real contact is what really counts. Disappearing is one indicator of what makes the relationship not “real.”

As most women would tell, if he tells you what/how he is, then believe him. Your job is not to support him. Your job is to love and support yourself first. It’s up to each of us to be responsible for ourselves first and foremost. Is he getting help? Therapy? Doing the 12 Step program? Have a sponsor? First he needs to take responsibility for himself before having others to step up to support him.d

An addict is an addict. Check out Al-Anon to see how you cannot “help” him.

Guilt is a shitty way of staying with another person, whether as a friend or a lover/girlfriend.

Mark

December 27, 2018 at 10:06 pm #271209

hopeful80
Participant

Mark, hi, and thank you so much. He used to attend meeting before I met him. And now says he should “probably” seek rehab. But likely won’t happen. Thank you for the cut and dry advice.

December 28, 2018 at 7:09 am #271253

Anonymous
Guest

Dear hopeful80:

When he called you 12/22, he explained to you why he ghosted you. But did he explain why he called you, why he decided to end the ghosting/ no contact?

anita

December 28, 2018 at 9:09 am #271283

hopeful80
Participant

Hi Anita,

It had been a month, and he was feeling guilty. He had finally found the courage to tell me that he’d been sneaking alcohol behind my back. There were not any concrete answers from him.

December 28, 2018 at 10:42 am #271311

Michelle
Participant

Mark always provides rational, solid advice. I agree with everything he said. This isn’t a “real” relationship. If anything, it was a fantasy still stuck in the honeymoon, lovey-dovey phase. You don’t owe him anything, despite what your hormones are telling you. You need to look out for your own wellbeing. Please end this relationship. It will only lead to heartbreak (and perhaps worse) in the future.

Even without the addiction factor, he lied and stole from you. Demand better for yourself. You are surely worth it.

December 28, 2018 at 11:00 am #271317

Anonymous
Guest

Dear hopeful1980:

He told you that his motivation behind ghosting you was to protect you from himself (“By ghosting me he was protecting me”)- doesn’t he still want to protect you from himself/ from his drinking?

Or does he have another plan?

* I will be away from the computer for the next 17 hours or so.

anita

December 28, 2018 at 1:35 pm #271321

hopeful80
Participant

Hi Anita: He does want to protect me from himself (how noble). How he handled it was immature. I can not date a man who has alcohol dependency issues. He wouldn’t address a visit we had planned for this weekend (NYE), he won’t call me back. He’s shown his stripes and I am walking way. I had to break up with a 37 year old man with a text. Unbelievable.

Thank you for your words of support!

December 28, 2018 at 1:37 pm #271323

hopeful80
Participant

Hi Michelle: Thank you so much for your help. I ended up breaking up with him over text. Unbelievable. He wouldn’t call me back to discuss an upcoming visit. His choosing to lie, steal, and stonewall is closure enough for me. I’m out. 🙂

December 28, 2018 at 9:44 pm #271343

Mark
Participant

Congratulations hopeful80. Go forth and co-create healthy relationships for yourself.

December 28, 2018 at 10:58 pm #271345

hopeful80
Participant

Thank you!! Any advice for a speedy recovery for my heart?

December 29, 2018 at 4:58 am #271347

Anonymous
Guest

Dear hopeful80:

He ghosted you Nov 26 and for 26 days, he did not answer your texts, calls and messages. On Dec 22, he called you and “said he loved me so much that he thought if he just disappeared, I would move on.. and ..wouldn’t have to deal with this” (with his active alcoholism, that is).

Within the six days after he called you Dec 22, you brought up a NYE visit the two of you planned before his disappearance and he didn’t respond. You called him and he didn’t call you back (“he won’t call me back”). Next you sent him a text (because he didn’t return your phone call or calls), breaking up with him.

Only there was no relationship to break up when you broke up with him, was there?

The reason I am asking this question, right above, is that I am concerned that he may call you again, and being “hopeful” (your user name), you may be back to a relationship that didn’t exist at all since Nov 26, if I understand correctly.

anita

January 1, 2019 at 12:10 am #271755

hopeful80
Participant

A follow up, he’s already on dating apps within a week of our breakup. Why?

January 1, 2019 at 12:47 am #271757

Mark
Participant

Hi hopeful, You want advice on a speedy recovery? Block him on social media, phone, email, text, and everything else.

Go find something to focus on, whether working out, take up knitting, lessons in ballroom dancing, sign up for an art class, meditate, MeetUp groups, .. whatever.

Stop posting about him and write out your new life in your journal.

That is what you can do to move forward.

Mark

April 17, 2023 at 2:45 pm #417441

Freida
Participant

Hi Hopeful 1980

I know this is an old post. I hope looking back you can now realize you did the right thing.

I dated an addict – illegal drugs. We are both older and he hid it from me for a very longest time. When I discovered what was happening – and that he had lied to me – I immediately dumped him (mainly for lying).

Some months later he started texting me again, saying he was trying to change, etc. I was naive and believed him.

However he never changed (during the time we were together at least) and continued with erratic contact. We live in the same town.

Eventually I threw in the towel. He also was quick to move on and blamed me for being disrespectful.

If the person is not nearby and actively involved with you and a program of rehabilitation, there truly is nothing you can do. Their behavior will be whatever suits them. It’s not like a normal loving relationship.

This was my very first encounter in a long term relationship with an active user. I did not see the signs. When I did, I suggested he go to the Dr. for a checkup.

He said he wanted to change but he never did anything about it. I ended up hurt and confused. He kept going, living it up without me.

People who keep secrets – of any kind – are not a good bet for a relationship. It is easy to get involved with an alcoholic or drug user when you have no previous experience.

Now that you know, I hope you have made peace with yourself. Not your fault that the man swept you off your feet. A dream come true.

When it happens, there will be no ghosting, long unexplained absences, etc. Protect your heart and be mindful of the words and deeds of a perspective partner.

Does he do what he says he will? Are you relaxed and comfortable around him? Can he easily be reached? Know where he lives and works? Would you invite his friends into your home?

If the answer to any of these questions is no, think very hard. Drinkers and drug users may speak about altruistic things, but often their behavior does not follow.

If the person is not making a serious and active effort to “sober up” and be honest and available to you – there is no relationship.

Hopeful 1980, I hope you are still hopeful and eyes wide open for good things only in your future.
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