Dear Sushmita:

Poor, sleepless and abused Sushmita! I hope that you are sleeping now, it being 6:14 am in India. I am not clear about something: is your mother abusing you because she thinks that you still want to marry the guy? What if you tell her that you are done with him and that there will be no marriage (which is practically true), will she then leave you alone?

And about pushing her, that was an understandable reaction to her repeatedly pushing herself into your very small personal space, I see no guilt on your part.

anita

Hi ma’am..thanks for asking.I am better.I have left talking about him at home.More or less i have realised this too he didn’t put any efforts to keep this relationship.He says i am with you but his actions tell something else.I am focussing on myself and my career.I am letting go of this relationship at present and idk what I’ll decide in future when he asks me about it but at present I don’t have the power to fight for it maybe in future I will have.. but i am leaving that for future. I am relieved and not depressed anymore.I believe this phase is over for me now. I’ll be shifting to his hometown for further studies but there will be no contact and I’ll be okay. I am sure.

Thanks a ton for your concern. I read stories of many here and realised I am not the only one going through it.🙃

How are you, Sushmita??

anita

Dear Sushmita:

You are welcome, and good to read from you, ma’am!

It is interesting that in your first sentence today, Nov 27, you wrote: “I am very confused at this point about answering how I am”, and in your very first sentence on this thread, July 13, you wrote: “I am very much confused about from where to start”. I know that you will feel better when you are no longer confused, so let’s look at what is so very confusing to you:

You wrote in your very first post: “I am a girl, single child to my parents. I belong to so called upper caste and my boyfriend of 3 years belonged to low caste. My family is very much dysfunctional. Where I am constantly blamed by my father for being the reason of misery and no property given to him by my grandfather.  MY boyfriend and I shared a beautiful relationship. Those 3 wonderful years. I would say that was the only part of my life where I had contentment. I am currently pursuing masters. I am 23″.

On that same day, July 13, you shared that your mother told you the other day “that she is going to gather all relatives and get me beaten and that’ll fix my mind“, and you shared: “either ways my relationship with my parents and family is doomed… I don’t trust my parents with my life“. Later on, July 17, you shared: “My parents do have issues. It’s 24/7 of fighting and blaming each other, using abusive words…. in all this chaos me and my mother we were close… I was close to them. But now after this incident even when I talk it has left this void that doesn’t feel like it’ll be filled ever again. I don’t have anyone… It’s just like I am carrying myself and dragging myself with no sense of connection to anything“.

On Aug 25, you wrote: “The situation in the family has worsened, I was beaten by my mother to the point where my nose started bleeding… When I get up, the first question is: when are you leaving. You are curse to the family… Constantly I am told to die so that they can live in peace… My mother all the time says you were definitely our enemy in past life that came to ruin our life. I was better without a child like you. I gave you everything.. and you gave me that chamar boy” (“chamar” is an insult in India; she was referring to your boyfriend at the time. It means that he is so inferior that he is lower than the lowest caste, so much so, that he is outside the caste system altogether).

Fast forward 3 months, and yesterday, Nov 27, you shared that you are living away from your family’s home for almost 2 months (congratulations!), you are functioning okay, but “I feel distant from my parents. I do not feel like talking to anyone from my family. I have withdrawn myself from everywhere… I feel cursed… It’s the same feeling of being dead inside but still dragging myself throughout the day to do bare minimum things… I carry myself throughout the day laughing and pretending I am perfectly alright but deep down it’s empty and it just pains unbearably at times…. I am living with suicidal thoughts all day long but I am so much of a procrastinator, I know I will not even succeed in that”.

My thoughts today (and efforts to dispel your confusion) are these: growing up, your parents frequently fought, so there was aggression and no peace for you at home. The relationship with your then boyfriend (at ages 20-23) meant so much to you because it was the first time in your life that you had a peaceful, non-aggressive relationship. Growing up, you felt close to your mother (and sometimes to your father),  but after she found out about your boyfriend, she turned aggressive against you- full swing. Your boyfriend at the time withdrew from your life and you were left with a void, an emptiness, a social and emotional isolation.

As human beings (of any and every caste, any and every race, and in every part of the world), we are highly social animals, living in social groups and needing physical and emotional closeness with other people for our physical and emotional survival. Naturally, when you find yourself either physically or emotionally isolated- as you are- you feel a void, an emptiness.. aka depression.

What do you think would be the solution to the social- emotional isolation that you are suffering from?

anita

Dear Sushmita

I am currently reading Neuro Dharma by Rick Hanson. It explain how the brain works and gives practices to enhance ones own happiness he also does an online course on this subject.

wishing you all the best

re-submitted:

Dear Sushmita:

“my heart is closed… I keep thinking of him“- your heart is not closed to the idea of him.

“I don’t see any solution to this…. I know this will not end“- your heart is closed to a better future.

Because I read Roberta’s recommendation right above (thank you, Roberta, a pleasure reading your replies!), I looked up some quotes from the author, and I think that reading them can help me feel better. Maybe they can help you, Sushmita, to feel better as well.

Most of the quotes I f0und were from the book Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom, by Rick Hensen: “Staying with a negative experience past the point that’s useful is like running laps in Hell: You dig the track a little deeper in your brain each time you go around it”, “The remedy is not to suppress negative experiences; when they happen, they happen. Rather, it is to foster positive experiences—and in particular, to take them in so they become a permanent part of you“, “Every time you take in the good, you build a little bit of neural structure. Doing this a few times a day—for months and even years—will gradually change your brain”, “By taking just a few extra seconds to stay with a positive experience—even the comfort in a single breath—you’ll help turn a passing mental state into lasting neural structure“,  “Just before bed, your mind is very receptive, so no matter what went wrong that day, find something that went right, open to it, and let good feelings come and ease you into sleep”, “Taking in the good is not about putting a happy shiny face on everything, nor is it about turning away from the hard things in life. It’s about nourishing well-being, contentment, and peace inside“.

From the book Neurodharma: New Science, Ancient Wisdom, and Seven Practices of the Highest Happiness: “This is our neuropsychological home base: to be calm, contented, and caring. No matter how disturbed by stress and sorrow, we can always come home”, and about love: “And no matter what, love is the universal medicine. This resource helps us feel safer, more satisfied, and more connected—remarkably, whether it is flowing in or flowing out. So if all else fails, or if you don’t know where to turn or where to start, begin with love“-

what do you think about these quotes, Sushmita?

anita

And thinking about you again, Sushmita: I would like to think that you will not be lost forevermore,,,?

anita

Dear Sushmita:

Yes, I am here, Sushmita. Your first post here was on July 13, 2022 (page 4). I replied to you on the same day and we communicated through this page (page 9). Your last post was on Nov 28, 2022, following which I replied on the same day and inquired about you twice, last being on Dec 17, 2022.

How are you???

anita