Dear Sushmita:

I’ll keep your take on Niki’s situation in mind as I develop my take in the first part of this post. In the second port of this post, I will see if her story can shine any light on yours:

What became clear to me yesterday, as I was processing Niki’s story, is the theme of negotiation:  a back and forth negotiation between two sides: (A) the bf and his parents, (B) Niki, her parents, uncle and sister-in-law.

* Notice, both sides are of the same caste and subcaste. Side A is extremely rich and side B seems to be doing well financially.

This is the (not exact, but close enough to the true) history of the negotiation:

Beginning Position:  Side A agreed to a marriage IF side B agrees that Niki does not work after marriage. Side B agreed to a marriage IF side A allows Niki to work after marriage.

1st step of negotiation: Side A threatened to end the relationship between bf and Nicky.

2nd step of negotiation: “My parents (Side B) tried to persuade them (Side A) to let me work at least..  help them in their business”.

3rd step of negotiation: “After 3 days, his father (Side A) called up my Dad (Side B) and told him they (Side A) don’t want to go ahead with this. No reason was given, he (Side A) said even my boyfriend (Side A) was OKAY with that.

4th step of negotiation:  “(Side B) tried calling him hearing this, but his phone number was deactivated… 2 months have passed and he (Side A) has blocked me (Side B) from everywhere“.

During the 4th step, Side B regretted her negotiation strategy: “I just feel it was my mistake that I spoke up about my job and work, I (Side B) should have just accepted their (Side A’s) demands and married him… I cry all day I just want him nothing else, I am ready to do anything they ask for“.

Notice, at this point, Nicky, Side B) is willing to do anything Side A asks.

5th step of negotiation: “His father (Side A) called my uncle (Side B) and asked to reconsider as their son (Side A) is in bad health and not able to move on. He (Side A) called me (Side B) and asked for reconciliation, but terms are still the same – that I would quit my job after marriage and not work”.

6th step of negotiation: even though Niki stated above that she will do anything Side A asked for, she decided to not give in to the condition that she doesn’t work after marriage and instead, and to continue negotiating. She was told that the bf  “is in bad health and not able to move on”, so she felt that she (Side B) had power over Side A: “now that I have been through so much… I want what is good for me. I have asked for time from his side… He is texting me now daily asking me to meet him so that he can talk about future and all. But internally, I am not ready to even meet him. He is saying he is not well, even now he is having low bp. I told him not to emotionally blackmail me. He is saying he has to give answer to his parents”- she is now in charge, she has the power and she is taking her time.

“He is extremely emotionally talking to me now. That he cannot imagine life without me and wants to marry me and now he has with a lot of efforts convinced his parents. But I have lost my trust in his parents and him that he will ever support me in any case… I want whatever is good for me, whether it is marrying him or leaving him.”- she is waiting for him to break down further and give in to her condition which is specifically to work after marriage, and generally: to have more power in the relationship.

7th step of negotiation: “He (Side A) got back to me (Side B) after 3 days last Thursday, pressuring me to think fast or at least meet up once, saying he fears his parents will again think negatively if I take longer time, as he had convinced them with great effort… he explained me everything, saying except job, he will support me in everything I wish to do always. I poured my heart out to him in texts, stating everything I had been through, all the pain and hurt and everything. I also told him I am not able to trust him or believe him after what all he did. That day, a lot of heated discussions took place. I told him I need more time to think…  pushed him a lot for what all he did“- she didn’t give in to his pressure, and tried to make him feel guilty for her pain. She’s been using guilt to gain power and weaken him, hoping that he will give in to her specific demand and general quest for power.

8th step of negotiation: “He said ‘there is not much I can do in that case, I feel it is not working out for both of us, and it is only fitting to let it be and move on for both of our better futures…he said – ‘My priority is my family & their priority as you and also your uncle have been informed before, that you should not work after marriage. But I think that is not convincing to your family, thus let us finish this”.

9th step of negotiation: “I replied that I was ready to leave my job, to which he said ‘No please, it is too late now. And also, you do not trust me and your parents are also skeptical.’ To which, I replied that as a girl’s parents, once things have happened, it takes time to place trust again and also asked him that did he expect he’ll come back suddenly and we all will be waiting here happily? To which he replied ‘Yes.’ He also wrote ‘Let us finish this here once and for all. Better we don’t contact each other from now on”

10th step of negotiation: “After this, I tried calling him multiple times, but he did not respond. Then, he blocked me everywhere, also blocked my mom and dad and also my sister-in-law, who texted him to speak to him. Later, my uncle called his father, and told him about his son’s behavior and this was not the way to go in and out of someone’s life. Later that night, his father texted my uncle saying – “As per discussion of kids, it is going nowhere. so it is a NO from our side and my son is also not interested in Niki nor marrying her anymore. Request her and your family to not contact him from now on.”

Following the 10th and last step of negotiation that Niki shared about, she had regrets in regard to her negotiation strategy: “I am beyond broken again, not knowing what to do. I somewhere feel it was my fault that I took much time to think or that I spilled my hurt to him, telling him things that pushed him away… I am full of regret of not saying Yes before he left, guilty that I spilled my hurt and pain to him that I took much time.”

The  last words she posted: “Either I am a fool or a I am stupid. I have not option, but now to live my life as it is. Everything is again back to zero. And he is again, nowhere”.

Negotiation failed and ended. From the moment his side came up with the demand that she does not work after marriage, Nikki’s story was not about LOVE but about POWER. A story that was about love would have looked something like this: (1) her bf wouldn’t have ended contact with Niki during the 3rd step of negotiation and kept her blocked for 2 months, and (2) when the bf begged her to reconcile,  broken and sick, Niki would have expressed her hurt and anger, but not for as long as she did. Sooner than later, her empathy for him would have been greater than her anger and quest for power.

2nd part of this post is about your story, Sushmita. First difference in your story: “I belong to so called upper caste and my boyfriend of 3 years belonged to low caste“, 2nd difference: “He is financially far better than me”, that is, the lower caste individual has more money than the upper caste parents and daughter.

In your story, unlike in Niki’s story, there are 3 sides: bf’s side (Side A), Sushmita’s side (Side B), and Sushmita’s parents’ side (Side C). Bf’s parents seem to be the same side as him and they are not involved in the negotiation.

In Niki’s story the 4 sides actively negotiated through 10 steps or so. In your story there is only one side negotiating and that side is you (Side B): “I tried to talk to him and convince him to let me take a stand and fight for it but he just asks me to focus on my career and that time will heal this…I have left talking to my parents and my family. Sometimes my mother says that she will meet him and that her and my father are with me. But then next day she says this is not possible. You have brought shame to us… he’ll consider this in future if parents agree… Just keep moving forward until these feelings end and if parents agree we’ll talk”.

The former bf (Side A) is not negotiating. His initial position was and still is: if it happens, it happens; if it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen. Your parents (Side C) are not really negotiating their initial position which is NO.

Yesterday, you shared: “I am feeling so much depressed lately, I stay in bed all the time… Like my brain is put to some anesthesia“- I think that negotiating ALL BY YOURSELF has caused you too much pain and your brain got to be numb as a result.

“Then they (parents) curse me in abusive words…how do I jump into the race of competitive exams. Every second I am suffocating and only surrounded by negative thoughts…. Every second I just think about him. More of some obsession“- the only side to the negotiation is obsessed with negotiating… all by herself, and she is suffocated by her own one-side futile negotiation.

I wish that your parents never cursed and abused you. They are very wrong to curse and abuse you. But why not prevent receiving more abuse from them by letting go of this futile, obsessive, one-side negotiating?

Today, you wrote: “From Niko’s story I am able to conclude two things. First being if it’s not destined it’ll not happen“- can you apply this to your story, your life?

“and second that we should prioritise ourselves and not give emotional reaction to situations like these!… Suffering alone should not be an option“- can you, please, apply this to you, your story, your life?

anita

Dear Sushmita:

You are welcome. “I don’t  see the world same“- it’s a good thing that you don’t see the world the same. I hope that you see the world more accurately. It is my quest to see the world more accurately every day.

“I don’t see myself putting myself through the process of falling in love again“- this is also a good thing, to not see yourself falling. Falling is dangerous. You fall when you don’t see what’s in front of you. Similarly, people often fall in love because they are not seeing what’s in front of them. A woman often falls in love with who she wishes and dreams the man to be, not with who he truly is.

“I don’t want to fall in love again. I don’t want to be lonely as well. So what I am going to do“- I say: don’t fall. Instead, see what’s in front of you. See your parents accurately, see yourself accurately and see potential husbands accurately.

“How long can you fight with your family“?- don’t fight them unless you are able and willing to leave them.

“I have lost myself in this struggle of emotions“- make your emotions work for you, and not against you.

anita

Dear Sushmita:

“Everyone is the same“-  are you too  the same as everyone?

anita

Dear Sushmita:

Since the topic is arranged marriages in India, I looked at Wikipedia’s on the topic. Here’s a summary: despite the facts that (1) romantic love is very much celebrated in Indian mass media, such as in Bollywood,  (2) there is no law that says that marriages have to be arranged, (3) modernization in India, particularly in urban areas—> arranged marriages are still, very much the norm in India.

The practice of arranged marriages, particularly in urban areas, is not like it used to be. Currently, it is common that parents arrange for their sons (21 and older) and daughters (18 and older) to meet with multiple potential spouses with an accepted right to refuse. And so, the term “arranged marriage” increasingly refers to marriages between consenting adults, and therefore, arranged marriages are not necessarily forced marriages.  Currently, because of the internet, many parents use matchmaking websites such as shaadi. com, which claims to be the largest matrimonial service in the world. Horoscope matchmaking is very common, basing matches on individuals’ astrological birth charts.

It is also common in India that a couple meets by themselves, get involved romantically, and then the couple orchestrates their own marriage through the process of arranged marriage. These marriages are often referred to as “self-arranged marriages“, or “love-arranged marriages“.

Usually, prospective spouses are looked for from families belonging to the same religion, caste, and having the same language and food habits. The profession, financial position and social status of individuals are also considered. There is an obsession with choosing men who hold government jobs because they are considered to be safer and offer more stability. Physical appearances are also taken into account: “Matrimonial advertisement often advertise skin pigmentation of the girl such as Fair, Wheatish, etc. Fair tones are considered advantageous”.

The divorce rate in India: it is extremely low, only 1.1% (although rising) compared to 45.8% in the U.S.

Quora. com/ Are couples in Indian arranged marriages happy? Indranil Ganguli (an individual contributor, her opinion): “(In)) India… There are huge differences in the mentality between village and city people. Plus caste, religious, linguistic differences are also vivid. My answer is based on people who live in tier-1 and tier-2 cities in India, both bride and groom are university graduates and/or working class and belong from rich or upper middle class or middle class families…

“In love marriage, at least you know your partner well before marriage. This is the best part of love marriage. You know each other’s personality, both positive and negative sides, likes and dislikes. It is a great joy and perfect happiness to live with someone you already love… But now the question is why there is more divorce than arranged marriage. The main reason… The initial rush of excitement only lasted for one year maximum, the spark of sexual life goes at a faster pace. Boring fast. Easily attract to other person because free mixing with opposite sex is not as difficult now…

“In arranged marriages, couples barely know each other before marriage and are therefore not in love with each other….You can’t marry some stranger and suddenly love them….Before marriage couples try to get to know each other, but under strict monitoring from their parents during their courtship, which lasts for five to six meetings… Marriages are made based upon how much the guy is earning and the looks of the girls…. The sad reality is very few are really happy in arranged marriages. It’s a forced marriage. It is a business deal between two families. No real love and no bonding between husband and wife. Elders of their family and relatives even grandparents interfere every aspect in their life. Given the higher rate of arranged marriages in the country, divorces are low because of the intense involvement of families on both sides…

“In the last 25-30 years most of the boys and girls, particularly metro boys and girls has had minimum 3–4 affair before marriage plus one night stand, hook-up, tons of opposite sex friend plus alcohols-smoke-night club. The said reality is a such kind of boys and girls never forgets their ex/s, because in their subconscious mind there is always acute pain for ex/s all the time even at the time of intimacy with their spouse after marriage. They are generally never happy with their spouse. The brutal truth is they never feel the same level of passion they had in their past affair/s in their teenage and twenties. Deep down inside there will always be a room for their ex/s. No matter even their spouse is far better than their ex/s. Their hero/heroine is always their ex/s.

“Having a relationship/s in the past is not a wrong thing but maintaining such a relationship simultaneously after marriage is the worst. Many married people secretly continue their affair with their ex/s (thanks to social media). Sometimes divorce and move to their ex. Even if they do not divorce their spouse, lie, cheat, sleep around and then make a fool of their hapless spouse their entire life… In conclusion In arranged marriage a husband-wife may be physically attached with each other but not mentally. Only a small percentage of couples are happy. So it is surely that love marriage is better than arranged marriages if you control your sexual desire before marriage.”

And now, to your recent post, Sushmita: “If I have him in my heart and I Marry someone else someday it will be injustice to the other person as well… one of my mother’s cousin (46), her father did not let her marry the man she wanted to.. .I don’t want to give myself to anyone. Especially when love is arranged. You are forced to get married. Then give birth to 2 children. Then a lifetime of responsibilities all for what? …The heart wants what it wants. If they didn’t agree to meet the one I wanted them to meet, why I should meet the one they want me to meet”-

– from my understanding, neither you nor your boyfriend at the time ever considered marriage without the approval of your parents and his parents. It was either you get approval OR you don’t get married. Neither one of you considered getting married (it is legal in India for adults to get married without parents’ approval), and moving far away from the disapproving parents, so that their disapproval and abuse is no longer part of your lives.

When you told your parents about your relationship, and when you tried to persuade them to agree to a marriage, borrowing the term from Wikipedia, you aimed at a self-arranged, or love-arranged marriage: you were trying to take your years-long relationship through a retroactive process of an arranged marriage, which means, to get your parents to retroactively approve of the relationship  and to get them involved in marriage plans and in your life as a married woman, as much as they want to get involved.

It was all up to your parents, they have their socially given POWER. You and your then boyfriend had NO POWER. Your former boyfriend knew it from the moment he learned of their disapproval, but you didn’t know: “I so firmly believe in fighting  for Love“, you wrote a month ago (July 13), not understanding that you are not in a position to fight against your parents’ disapproval and win… because they have the power, and you don’t.

Do you agree with the Wikipedia summary and the Quora quote above?

anita

So you are telling me to do nothing about it..eventhough it will impact his and mine both of our lives. Two other people who’ll marry us their life will also get impacted.Because i am in no power to fight right now give up.

So I am still at home .. bedridden…but i am going for further studies to different town…..the situation in the family has worsened…i was beaten by my mother to the point where my nose started bleeding.my fault was she was abusing him and I wanted her to stop.She loses control and i am  becoming like my mother too. When i get up the first question is when are you leaving. You are curse to the family. My mother’s mother puts fuel to it all the time.My mother keeps talking to her and crying whole day infront of me mocking about me and saying she did this to us. Whole day almost. Then she sleeps all day doesn’t cook meals. Yesterday I ate after one and half day. Yes I can cook for myself but i don’t feel like going in their kitchen when all of this is happening. Constantly i am told to die so that they can live in peace. My father doesn’t talk to my mother and me. Both. He cooks for himself and eats alone.when i try to go out nd ask for certificate she starts beating me and fighting me.When i try to cut off from her she doesn’t let me do that too.what do I do in a situation like this. I have become idk what.When i tell him all of this he says parents do say such things. It’s okay. Give it time.leave it to God. Miracles do happen. And we do have three years. I am not asking you to wait either. I had never expected him to be this person.When i needed him he ghosted me in a way. I do love him but I’ll try not to wait.I am so angry with the situation.How do i do life on my own. I feel so insecure when someone starts talking to me. I don’t have family or anything nor i am that beautiful. I haven’t achieved anything in life too.Is this how my life going to be forever? If not what do I do with it.

Dear Sushmita:

“I am going for further studies to different town” – please make it happen ASAP (As Soon As Possible).

“The situation in the family has worsened, I was beaten by my mother to the point where my nose started bleeding… When I get up, the first question is: when are you leaving. You are curse to the family… Constantly I am told to die so that they can live in peace… My mother all the time says you were definitely our enemy in past life that came to ruin our life. I was better without a child like you. I gave you everything.. and you gave me that chamar boy“-

–chamar means a Dalit, a person belonging to a class of people in India that is outside the caste system, a person who your parents, as well millions of others, consider so inferior and dirty in every way..  that if a person of the 4 castes touches a Dalit, the person will become dirty. This is why Dalits are also called untouchables. 

And it so happens that you are in love with a Dalit (or a person that your parents consider to be as inferior as a Dalit), and your parents strongly disapprove. Your mother, who considers herself very superior to a Dalit, the one who “gave you everything“…  also gave you a bloody nose and plenty of verbal violence.

Let’s look at the guy’s attitude: when you told him about your mother’s verbal and physical violence against you,  “he says parents do say such things. It’s okay. Give it time. Leave it to God. Miracles do happen. And we do have three years. I am not asking you to wait either”-

– sincerely, Sushmita, I don’t think that there is any chance in this life that your parents will agree to a marriage between you and the guy, so I see no reason for you (or for him) to wait for your parents to change their minds. I don’t think that it is realistic to wait for a miracle in this regard. I also think that it is very unwise for you to continue to try to change their minds and receive more abuse for it, abuse that the guy you love thinks is okay.

Your only chance to marry him is to do so without their approval. To make this happen, you and the guy will have to decide to get married without your parents’ approval and to live away from your parents, having no contact with them. The problem is that you are not willing to do that and neither is he. Therefore, there can be no marriage.

“I do love him but I’ll try not to wait“- waiting for your parents to change their minds is useless.

“I don’t have family“- if you don’t have a family, why are you living with these people who perpetrate verbal and physical violence against you?

“I am (not) that beautiful. I haven’t achieved anything in life too“- if you live without the verbal and physical violence perpetrated against you, you will become prettier, and you will achieve more in life than currently (“I am still at home, bedridden“, Aug 25, 2022).

“Is this how my life going to be forever?”- you can change your life for the better, so that it will not be like this forever: (1) give up on the guy and on convincing your parents to approve marrying him, don’t even mention him to your parents anymore, (2) live in a different town ASAP… and take it from there. I am rooting for you, Sushmita!

anita