He Left me after 7 years together for Conservative Parents.. Help me Please!

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This topic has 139 replies, 18 voices, and was last updated 7 months, 2 weeks ago by Sushmita.

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January 15, 2017 at 12:01 pm #125309

Nina Sakura
Participant

Dear VJ

Thanks a ton for sharing above links. They were really good, especially the one on depression.

Regards
Nina

January 15, 2017 at 9:38 pm #125368

Niki
Participant

Currently, I am in a state of mind, where nothing looks good, whenever I think of my future, I become more depressed. My parents sat with me a day before and were helping me out as to what I would like to do in my life now.
Frankly speaking, I want to do something in my life, become something and make my life worth it. But I am so much depressed, I don’t know if I’d be able to do that. I just feel I’ll make yet another failure.
There are some plans my parents discussed with me for my future:
1. Moving abroad – I always wanted to study and work and settle abroad (USA/Canada). But I have already completed my MBA here in India and working since 2 years. I don’t know on what basis do I go there, if I go for yet another Masters and then search for job, that’ll take a long time, and a lot of money. I don’t even know if I’ll get a job after Masters there. What if I don’t get admission abroad? What if I don’t get proper job there after studies? What if I am not able to adapt to another country? What if all my money goes in vain?

2. Moving to another city for Job here in India – that’ll give me a change of environment, make me independent. But then again, it will be same living in this country. After some years, I have to meet someone in arranged marriage and marry him. I freak out by this thought itself. What if I just meet someone mediocre and have to marry him? What if I don’t get a proper guy and have to settle for less?

3. Opting for another course in Media – If I pursue for exams and opt for another course, that will yet be more time consuming as I have to prepare for exams, and then go for the course and then start from scratch for job. This is also scary, as I will have to be back to zero, where I started after my bachelors.

I am so much scared and depressed, that I have wasted some most precious years of my life, which was the right time to move abroad or do something to make my life. Now, I am left with nothing. Nothing seems good, and my future seems bleak.
I have this constant fear that my life will be another failure throughout, that I will have to settle for mediocre things in life. I am so scared to go after my dreams of moving abroad or something that I don’t even want to try.

I just fear I am not good enough for anything. I will fail in whatever I take up. I was never that good in academics. Yesterday, I was feeling suicidal as all I could see was this darkness in my life and future. I don’t feel like doing anything. The thing is, I actually am not willing to do anything, as I know I will fail in everything I do. My life is full of darkness I feel. I will live like this, marry some man and settle, and die. I just don’t know how to come out of this. Meaningless life it has become.
I don’t even know what I really want to do and achieve in my life.

January 15, 2017 at 10:08 pm #125369

Niki
Participant

Also, since childhood, I was extremely ambitious, I wanted to excel in my life like anything. But when I met my ex, I became much more patient, and started to think that not everybody gets everything in life and that was okay with me at-least I have him by my side. At-least one thing in my life was good – love.
But now, even that seems to have been taken away, leaving me with exactly nothing except emptiness.
I am really good with many things – I am good at writing (1 day, I would like to write a book), I am good at music, management, creativity and much more. But it is more like jack of all and master of none.
This is all so much frustrating and my life is going nowhere. I am such a failure, I don’t know what to do with it really. I want success, I want love and a family. But I lost on everything.
I just feel that I will live like this, failing everything and settling for less, marry someone whom I really don’t like that much but anyways marry, have kids and die a mediocre life. All these things are eating up my mind, I am left frustrated, all the negativity and darkness, no amount of talk or meditation or therapy can take away. I just feel like giving up on everything. I hate my life..

January 15, 2017 at 10:30 pm #125370
Niki
Participant
Also, Thanks VJ – for sharing a perspective from a different angle that of Indian male. I always thought I was at blame for not accepting their demands head on and to have spoken up.
But somewhere inside me, I feel everything kept aside, he was also with me since 7 years, and he should have at least spoken with me regarding this. Or to the least, stood up for his love (if it really was I doubt now), to his parents. I never wanted to him to run away with me from home because I know not to hurt anyone’s parents, but there were definitely ways it could have been possible, would have taken more time convincing them, but if he was as in love and adamant as me, then it would have.
But the only fact that he did not gives away all the 7 years. I wonder if it was truly love or an infatuation dragged for 7 years (given his unstable and indecisive mind). Or that he is really that emotionally immature to not see what he really wants in love.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Niki.
January 16, 2017 at 12:27 pm #125438

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Niki:

You wrote: “I want love and a family. But I lost on everything. I just feel that I will live like this, failing everything and settling for less…”

I think you are misunderstanding something important: you did not fail in this relationship. You loved him throughout; you sacrificed for him, you kept your word to him; you were loyal to him, throughout the years.

Another misunderstanding: it seems to me like you think that he was a great man and now that he is gone, you will have to settle for a man less than him. He was not a great man. he didn’t keep his word to you; he was not loyal to you, he was disloyal and dishonest where it mattered. He only appeared as loving as he appeared, but when it comes to taking a stand, he did not.

It is my hope that you will find a man better than him, that you will not settle for a man… like him.

If you correct your view- that you failed and that you lost a wonderful, loving, high quality man- then you will understand that you are not a failure and failure is not to follow you wherever you go and whatever you choose to do.

anita

January 16, 2017 at 6:04 pm #125474

VJ
Participant

Hi Nina,
You are welcome. Nice to know you liked the audios in the link. Looks like you went through most of them in quick time 🙂

I have posted a one-on-one comment on your profile. Please check.

Regards,
VJ

January 16, 2017 at 6:21 pm #125480
VJ
Participant
Hi Niki,

Yes all of what you have explained about your state of mind is truly understandable given what has happened.
I want to tell you clearly that life is not a bed of roses without thorns. There are going to be problems. Every single person has. Go through the issues from various members of this site and you will see what people are facing. The TinyBuddha homepage says over 2 million friends & followers. Such an amount won’t be possible if people are not in problems. One needs to face up and come out the them.

If you want to come out of your problems I will suggest you to get out of the “head mode” and get more into “action mode”. Get started.
Listen to the audios on the link that I posted above. Have you heard of Brahmakumaris in India? B.K. sister Shivani is a wonderful person and listening to her talks is really a life-changer. Based on personal experience I can tell you that every thing is in the head. It will start to get clear gradually in the coming time- what career to do, a change of mindset about getting a suitable life partner. Everything.

English being a second language and not a national language in India, I can see in all your posts that your writing is really good. So something tells me about you that wherever you go an whatever you do, you will do well.

Allow time to take time.

Live Your Best and Leave The Rest.

~VJ
- This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by VJ.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by VJ.
January 16, 2017 at 8:47 pm #125501

Niki
Participant

Anita & VJ, thanks for your inputs.. I know he was not a right man for me. But now, the only thing I want to think is about my career and development. Relationship and marriage is off limits now.. I want to make up for all the years I have wasted pleasing him and sacrificing my career and goals.
I want to move abroad for work, but I don’t know how would I do that, given that I already have completed my masters(mba) and am working since 2 years..I really don’t know it would be very difficult to move abroad (USA) now. Also, I am very frustrated with the fact that I could have made a wonderful life had I not sacrificed so much in the past. Because I now see so many of my cousins and friends settling down with wonderful guys and also move abroad, some have already established careers there.. For me, all this seems so much difficult and near to impossible now.

I really don’t know what life has in store for me except regrets. I regret my past so much. I could have had an established career in US had I not given up on my dream to move there before 4 years. Life basically sucks right now..

January 17, 2017 at 8:17 am #125519

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Niki:

I can’t help you with decisions about choosing more education, further employment in India or moving abroad. I hope someone with experience in these areas can help you. I like it that your family is supportive and had a meeting to figure these things out.

What I hope to be helpful with is your attitude regarding regret: “what life has in store for me except regrets” over “all the years I have wasted” while comparing yourself to others: ” I now see so many of my cousins and friends settling down with wonderful guys and also move abroad, some have already established careers there.. ”

This is my hopeful helpful input:

1. Most people waste most of their lives. This is the norm, not the exception.
2. When we fees that our life sucks (your word) we view other people’s lives as glorious when those are far from being glorious.

I wasted many more years than you have, in suffering and dysfunction. And all I have is now, this moment, this day, and maybe tomorrow. Same for you. As I suggested to you earlier on your thread, make this the Beginning, not the End.

anita

February 23, 2017 at 2:59 am #128953

Niki
Participant

Hi, I am writing after a long time. There has been a lot of things that have happened, I am in a better state now.

In these 3 months post, I have been through hell, going into depression with extreme anxiety and still fighting it. Been to therapist, took sessions and therapy still could not come out of it. Later on, I was sent to psychiatrist for clinical depression, and right now I am on medications for depression.

And, the man is back in my life to wreak more havoc. His father called my uncle and asked to reconsider as their son is in bad health and not able to move on. He called me and asked for reconciliation, but terms are still the same – that I would quit my job after marriage and not work.

I have to take a decision now, but now that I have been through so much, knowing he did not care for me these 3 months I was struggling with life, and still wants me back on their own terms, I am not able to take up any decision. He also told me that he loves me, wants to marry me and also said that all the sacrifices that I had made in past for our relationship, he did not stop me but he also did not motivate me to make those sacrifices. This hurts a lot, that after doing so much, I do not get any acknowledgement whatsoever.

Yes, I am still in love with him, but also I am sacred for my future now. I have taken baby steps and started loving and respecting myself a little now. I still do not know what will my future hold, but I also have lost faith in him that he will stand by me or support me in future if things go wrong. I am so much drained I do not even feel like thinking anything right now. I don’t what what will happen in future, or what is in hold, but now I know I want what is good for me.

I have asked for time from his side. I am so much drained that I do not know what to do. I want your suggestions and guidance on the same. Please Help…

February 23, 2017 at 3:30 am #128955

Niki
Participant

Also when I asked him where he was when he left me, when I was struggling with betrayal and my emotions, he said that his father got ill and he could not leave him so he took that decision, that he got scared and did not know what else to do. He said he never really moved on. But if that was the case, he could have sent some word to me, could have asked me to take care, when our friends were visiting him, he did not even care to ask at that time if I was fine. How come suddenly all this love has come back I am unable to understand. And even now, he is behaving vaguely.

February 23, 2017 at 8:29 am #128971

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Niki:

What an unexpected development. You did right, I strongly believe, by taking the time you need to figure out what to do next. You make a lot of sense, as tired and drained as you are, in the last two posts.

You are also making an observation: “And even now, he is behaving vaguely”- and this is, what I believe you need to do in the present: observe and learn what happened and what is happening. Do not make a choice until you learn.

For three months he cut all contact with you and let you suffer greatly, and alone. How could he have done that? How does a loving person do that to the person they love? I ask: how could he? But he did, so he could. And if he did and could, then why would one assume he will not do it again. After all, he has shown that he can.

I remember in a previous post you wrote that he told you, did he not, in the past, that he was scared to live without you? But then, when his father got ill, if this is true (you stated in your last post): “he got scared and did not know what else to do” except for what he did, which was to cut ALL contact with you.

Why? Why did he choose to cut ALL contact with you? Why was it necessary, in his mind, to make such a drastic decision and keep that decision, day after day for three months?

I wouldn’t take him back, Niki. Be careful, be cautious. Protect your heart. Ask him for answers to your questions, see if he is MOTIVATED to answer you, if he answers at all, if his answers are honest. Without his sincere efforts to answer you adequately, I would not let him back.

Hope you post again- and if you ask, and if he answers, run his answers through me, will you?

* How is he behaving vaguely now (“he is behaving vaguely”)?

anita

February 23, 2017 at 11:12 pm #129153

Niki
Participant

Hi anita,

I am currently in a lot of stress. He is texting me now daily asking me to meet him so that he can talk about future and all. But internally, I am not ready to even meet him.
He is saying he is not well, even now he is having low bp. I told him not to emotionally blackmail me. He is saying he has to give answer to his parents, if I do not meet and tell him, they will think something negative. I mean, even right noe he is so much scared.
I asked him why does he fear so much, the way his parents behaved with him, he said let old things be let us not discuss that. Said he has also gone through a lot in past and let it be there.

My parents are explaining me that people change after marriage, that he might change for good and start speaking up for me. That his parents also could change for good. That he is their only son and financially stable. But how can I believe that it might happen? What about my wishes to work? His father said let her marry and come and set for some months then we’ll see what she can do. I am not able to believe them. I am scared.

I love him, but I have lost my trust that as a husband, he will stand for me ever if things go wrong.

When asked about this, he said after marriage, he will take side of his wife, but why would one take stand in family itself.

Please help me…

February 24, 2017 at 12:08 am #129159

Nina Sakura
Participant

Dear Niki,

Go meet him once. Hear him out.

After that, think hard and make your choice. My two cents- I can only say that if the trust is already gone, the relationship has fallen apart on a very basic level.

He shouldn’t have cut contact with you in such a cold way if he really cared. It doesn’t matter how unwell his parents or he was. If he actually wanted, I am sure an email, a message, through a friend etc would have been possible.

How can you trust him to be there for you through thick and thin?

His attitude towards his parents is still the same and eventually after marriage, especially knowing Indian society, I can vouch for it that in this culture, you will be coaxed/forced/emotionally blackmailed into giving up working.

See the emotional blackmail now only.

Do you think he will change so much afterarriage when his family will officially have relationship with you too?

Already they control him so much, then it will start with you too.

I know you love him a lot but love isn’t enough to make a relationship and marriage last. There needs to be trust, understanding and respect too.

Regards
Nina

February 24, 2017 at 12:15 am #129161

Niki
Participant

He is extremely emotionally talking to me now. That he cannot imagine life without me and wants to marry me and now he has with a lot of efforts convinced his parents. But I have lost my trust in his parents and him that he will ever support me in any case.
I love him and want to marry him, but on which basis do I go ahead trusting him? I want whatever is good for me, whether it is marrying him or leaving him. I do not want to suffer for life in any case.
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