He keeps me a secret from his family.

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This topic has 5 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 3 months ago by Inky.

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December 19, 2014 at 1:56 pm #69518

Shannon
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I think I need help with a mindset, for I have hopped onto a so far unknown train.

My partner and I have a wonderful relationship. We call it an open relationship, but it’s so much more than friends with benefits. We love each other deeply and treasure every moment together. We feel safe and comfortable with each other, and as the years have gone by, we can now talk more openly with each other than ever – also about those things that we might want to hide from ourselves… Things that we feel are hard to deal with, that we might be ashamed of, and maybe that we’ve hidden deep inside ourselves.

One of these things is a problem that I don’t know how I’m supposed to handle. The thing is that, when we first started to date, we did it in a very unsmooth way: We locked ourselves up at his old boy room, in the house of his parents, for three days making love pretty much all the time. When I (finally) dropped out, he got a serious talk from his parents. This was two years ago, I was 23 and he 22, we were both students and both still had a close connection with our parents respectively.

Now, the issue is, that he can’t handle the fact that we’re still dating in front of his parents. At first, I thought that he was ashamed of being with me. But it seems more like he’s just avoiding to take up the subject with his family. I’m very sad about this, and about the disrespect I feel that we showed his parents by acting as we did those first three days. I’ve announced my will to ask of forgiveness and a restart from his parents, since the fact of not being recognized and accepted is something that tears me down. But so far I haven’t had the opportunity, and I don’t want to push him either, since this primarily is his issue with his family.

I haven’t found any good way of handling the fact that he’s got issues with me in front of his family. I feel unaccepted and unwanted, dirty, like something you want to swoop under the carpet – although WE only want to be with each other, and there’s not been any problems introducing me to his friends either – and I don’t recognize myself in this picture. Normally I’m the decent girl, the steady and serious one, having control of studies, career and family life (I got a daughter from a former relationship). I don’t want to feel dirty and unaccepted. I only want to focus on our love, the now and here, on developing our relationship without any issues holding us (me…) back.

I know that the family issue will find its’ solution when the time is right. Meanwhile, what can I do to lead focus away from this gnawing matter and direct energy into finding happiness together?

December 19, 2014 at 3:50 pm #69522
davidgoliat
Participant
Sounds like his parents have strict experctations, especially about him having a relationship. which can affect his focus on studies?
In situations with his parents, I dont think he is “ashamed” of you two as a couple. But ashamed of not meeting his parents expectations about wanting the “best” for him. Maybe his parents have experienced events that has nothing to do with your situations, have given them views that doesnt fit with whatever it may be.

From my view, you care about your boyfriend and support him on his goals and mistakes. Are his parents aware of this?

I think his parents need a deeper view in a mindset, not you 🙂
- This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by davidgoliat.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by davidgoliat.
December 20, 2014 at 6:16 am #69549
Inky
Participant
Hi Emma,

This is an idea ~ Why don’t you relate to his parents in a different context? For example, does his mom belong to a place of worship, live near you, go to a certain gym class, etc.? Could you casually on purpose run into her? Invite him AND his parents to a Super Bowl party? Ask her advice? Call his dad when your car has trouble asking his advice if you should take it in?

They need to know that you are not just “that girl” from a few years ago. That you are older, multi-dimensional, and dating their son.

This might cause friction with your boyfriend as you are “going over his head”, but he is the one comfortable with his “shame spiral”, not you. And I’m sure the parents don’t think about you nearly as much as he thinks they do about you concerning them. To be honest, my own son has so many girls (as friends) that I wouldn’t recognize any particular one, especially three years later!

OK, Good Luck!

Inky
- This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by Inky.
December 21, 2014 at 12:20 pm #69575

Shannon
Participant

DavidGoliath: Oh yes, his parents are strict and affect him in, as he expresses it, good and not-that-good ways. And it might very well be that they would benefit from having a deeper mindset! But,the problem from my angle is that their rejection of me affect me in a destructive way, and I need to get away from that. I need a positive way of looking at this situation, because at the moment I’m feeling an anger of how unfair this is, that they can’t embrace me and that there seems to be nothing I can do about it. It’s frustrating.

Inky: An interesting twist, and a challenging one too! I love that. Just the thought of the possibility to “accidentally” bump into those parents is thrilling, and makes my fantasy strive away about how this could be arranged, what would happen, what I would say, how I could turn their picture of me (if they remember me, but I would actually think they do..) And no matter if this actually would happen or not, it is a way to work the subject out mentally, creating a constructive, “this-will-have-a-positive-outcome”-image that is so much nicer to have in mind than the passive-destructive “there-is-nothing-to-do-about-it”. Thank you!

Another way I’ve started to treat this, is through the acceptance that some people are more difficult to reach but it doesn’t matter what happened in the past and upon what events people build their image of you. The only thing that matters is how you respond to the people around you right now, in the present. I’ve started to try to love everyone and everything (competors at work, the air I breathe, trees, butterflies, strangers, tricky relatives, screaming annoying babies and so on…) and I’ve realized that all this loving makes it more difficult to make space for negative feelings. Problems are still there, but they don’t take my energy in the same way as before.

What would you do if you felt resistance against you in relationships, in families, with friends or lovers, or in formal occations?

December 21, 2014 at 5:48 pm #69590

Adam
Participant

Hey Emma,
One of the harder things to accept, for me personally, is that you do not have the ability to change other people. You may be able to force him to tell his parents but that would just break the trust he has in you. You could ignore the issue and just act like nothings wrong but lying can only last so long. You will eventually lose respect for him and that’s not easily restored. So what other options remain? For one, acceptance. Accept the fact that you can’t change him, accept the fact that this is a part of who he is, and most importantly, accept your feelings about this entire experience. Accepting these things will deepen your understanding of your boyfriend, it will deepen your connection to yourself, and it will expand your ability to let go of the things you can’t control.

I would also recommend sitting him down and peacefully talking to him about how you feel. Always keep in mind that if lose your temper with him and allow your emotions to run wild at him, you will lose your ability to achieve a peaceful result with him. Communication is everything in a good relationship. If you really think this person is worth your energy, find a way to communicate how you feel no matter how hard. He may have reasons for keeping it to himself that you’re unaware of, he may not have that strong of a relationship with his family. In my experience, how someone treats their family is how they will treat you.

It’s overcoming the hardships together that strengthen a relationship. Do this together instead of taking all this stress and worry on yourself. Take a step back and relax. What is meant to be will be. Have faith in yourself and see this as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship and strengthen yourself.

Be patient and open to understanding.

thepathofaronin.blogspot.com is my personal blog. Use it if you need any advice.

December 21, 2014 at 6:20 pm #69600
Inky
Participant
Hi Emma,

The last question is a doozy. How to deal with resistance. In the present you can fight against it. i.e. “Look your parents like me, they really like me! Where’s your resistance now?? LOL”.

Or the issue will naturally dissipate the more you focus on other things or even as time goes on.

For example, since you have an open relationship, you could focus on guys that are proud to introduce you to their parents. “What are you talking about, I’m the girl next door, I ran into your mother at my fiance’s mother’s garden party, and she’s perfectly lovely! Oh yes, by the way I’m engaged, sorry!”

Or you can say, “What are you talking about we’re thirty years old now and your parents have dementia!”

He is the only one carrying that image. And even his parent’s have this out dated image of you. If I’m doing my math right, they themselves probably came of age in the 70’s, so I’m sure they don’t judge you as much as everyone lets on!
- This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by Inky.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by Inky.
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