When it came to his style of loving, he was very giving. As in gifts, and creating this incredibly romantic moments. He would criticize things about me, and praise other qualities a lot. I often mentioned how I understand love, but I believe he thought that buying me a gift or bringing something beautiful for the house in writing beautiful letters or songs that he will later record in a studio what’s the best way to apologize apologize, that, and intimacy. He often requested me to be careful with my words and questioned why I didn’t compliment him enough. When I see him in therapy I wonder if I should compliment him to have a peaceful time, but he seems to not need it so much anymore, I attribute this to the fact that he is with someone more his equal now. And to the fact that I am not his partner anymore, so he doesn’t need it for me. Or simply because he has no interest in me.

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Gigi.

I agree. Completely… though I was hoping someone else would see it differently. He said his new girlfriend knows that we “catch up over drinks” after each session. This is something I said to him we should avoid, but he seemed very upset about it . I wonder if this is true, because there is no way she’s happy about it. He has talked to a best friend of ours and expressed how scared to new girlfriend is of my memory, and believe me, I am a ghost. I purposefully initiated not contact and I am doing this now but I know it will end soon.

He is very jealous, not just romantically, but professionally, socially, and he values loyalty a lot. The way I remember him,  he was very jealous and I had to be careful about how I dressed,  where I was at all times,  setting up mutual schedules,  and I needed to explain why I was late by minutes.  Knowing other friends and women he had dated in the past,  I have come to the realization that he was not like that with any of them,  so I think this was something between us. In fact, me being loyal, has always been something he praised. I think he can be loyal. I don’t think he’s cheating on his girlfriend, though he seems to straddle his approach toward me every time he sees me. He is  touchy one moment, next he starts crying and pulling away saying that he has to be appropriate. I don’t touch him or get close to him, but somehow his actions make me feel as though I am the one to blame. I know I go to therapy because I want to make sure that I’m heard, that there is a witness to what happened to us, that our dreams mattered, that our child mattered. And this is the only opportunity I have for that. I believe he may end up marrying this new woman, and having a valuable family with her.

Thank you. This is why I am going to this therapy, even though I am not sure it will make a difference at this point. It is not to separate him from his girlfriend, or to torture her. I try by all means possible to have healthy boundaries, even though he confuses me sometimes.

I am sorry to hear about your loss, it is a difficult process, and I hope you’re feeling better today. For me, it has been so hard that I grieve every day.

Thank you for your words on how my baby and I mattered.  How I matter today. I think this is why I go, because I want to find the voice to let him know this. For my own peace. And, I ghosted him for 7 months, until he approached me with the therapy offer. I imagine once the sessions are over, there will be no excuse to see each other again.

Dear Anita,

That is possible. It has been so long, my memories of the relationship are moments. Some of which I remembered again during therapy.  I loved and admired many things about him, but they seem so far away, and knowing him today, I don’t know if they are real. I am sure these sessions will end soon. And hopefully they will serve as lesson.

I have stayed away from the man who hurt me, and I hurt. I think this is an important oart of the whole “Ex-Girlfriend” misconception. We are exes for a reason. If we leave them, new gf should figure out why. And if they can’t let go, we are not always the ones to blame. And we don’t always want to jeopardize your new relationship. Maybe the man doesn’t want to be with us either.

I totally agree. However, one thing I’ve learned is that we should place reality and blame where it matters. It is the boyfriend’s  responsibility to  respect and honor the new partner, not the ex’s. This is sad but true. Moreover, in the case of a man who won’t let go, why would the new partner want to have a portion of the affection? Sometimes the ex isn’t even in the picture. We all need to be honest and careful about that.

Absolutely.  That is my point exactly.  Yet sometimes, the ex girlfriend is not a participant “other woman”.  And herein lies the issue.  We -all women really, should be able to gather ourselves and know we deserve more than half the love.  Especially if the one hanging on is the man, not the ex.  Reality is hard, but necessary.