Sorry about the typos! Typing from my cell phone it’s quite difficult.

I agree, the way he loves has been really painful for me, though he seems to be much better for his girlfriend, as he says. I feel heard for the first time in therapy, because although there is a lot of sadness, he is listening and there is a witness who guides the conversation. In therapy, neither one of us is screaming or fighting. However, 2 years later, I wonder why we’re there. It feels good for me to get the loss of our relationship and our child of my chest and not carry it alone anymore. But 3 sessions into it, I wonder why he wanted this, how it benefits him, and how I will feel at the end. I don’twonder much about the new girlfriend, because I am being respectful, and I figure that if he loved me so much he would not to be with someone else in a stable relationship. Also,  he immediately text sir after each session .  Although I don’t know if she is aware of the drinks afterwards .  But,  I keep  body contact to a minimum ,  the somehow I see him trying to hug me  more every time.  I imagine this is because of  the sadness and emotions lived during the sessions . So I keep my distance. Not too bad for the scary EX.

Yes Anita, I just answered.

What makes me feel lesser is knowing that love is not enough. There are other factors that are pragmatic which I seemed to fail at. My ex and I were engaged, and when I left him it was a huge and hard decision. I often felt that I wasn’t the woman he had envisioned, I wondered if perhaps this is why we had so many issues from his side, therefore I couldn’t imagine why he wanted to marry me. In the relationship he is now he has everything he wanted. So, I feel lesser, because that love was not enough and it didn’t carry us through. Not the way his new girlfriend is set up to succeed. And that is something most girlfriend’s should know, the ex is not always someone to fear.

Dear Anita,

It depends on what each of us thinks of love, yes. I have been feeling very guilty for 2 years for leaving him, even though I did because I couldn’t stay there any longer. I think we should have done therapy earlier, but we didn’t have that opportunity. There is a book called The Love Languages, and the way I see love is through actions, and quality time. I think the way he sees love is through words of affirmation and gifts. This is the way he showed me love. But sometimes we have to love the other person the way they understand it. I don’t give him any compliments, and I have blocked everything about me to him, because I think it will prevent him from moving on. So you are right, sometimes we have to love the person by the way what’s best for them. And as his ex fiance, perhaps the best for him is to be with someone that fits in his life and his professional future better.

Of course. I didn’t feel loved because of the very reasons you mentioned. And I left because it had become too much to bear, and the emotjonal cheating seemed to worsen a month after we lost our child. It was really hard, and perhaps I listened to the wrong people in the end. What happened between us was a socio-economic difference. Despite both of us being middle class, he was raised by ivy league parents, in a political and policy centered area. His work is very high-profile and he’s surrounded by people like him. Hence, he would often make comments about how surprised he was to love me, I didn’t have that educational pedigree, and to have chosen me instead of the other women who had a similar educational or professional background as he did. He made sure to let me know of this flaw of mine for most of the relationship, and also post-breakup, when he would let me know the accolades of the women he was dating.

This was hurtful, and I worked on my self-esteem, to a point in which today I see it as a dark and elitist side of him, not a fault on my part. However, his new girlfriend, has gone to three Ivy League schools, is professional and powerful in politics, and Academia(professor at a famous university).  They are becoming a power couple to their friends and associates. So, I know he chose what was best for him, which still leaves me puzzled of why he can’t move on without feeling guilty about me. In other words, perhaps that is all he truly feels, guilt.