Home→Forums→Relationships→He does not want a commitment and not sure of a future
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Mark.
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January 21, 2018 at 1:23 pm #187945
BuddiParticipantDear Roxy – You should have left yesterday. He has a lot going on but what really surprises me is that you are allowing him to treat you like a choice remove yourself from this equation. He thinks its alright to keep you a secret partly you are to be blamed cause you are allowing it.
Will you invite a dick or douche bag into your home???? then why are you letting one into your mind and heart? If you are waiting for him to come around after all this time you will be waiting a long time.
Most importantly address your fears why do you want him if clearly is unsure of you ? Are you scared you wont meet someone else? If you had a daughter and she told you this story with a man she is involved with what advice would you give her?
DO NOT LET HIM TREAT YOU LIKE A CHOICE.
January 21, 2018 at 2:40 pm #187953
ElianaParticipantHi RoxySue,
Unfortunately, things do not look promising. He is not emotionally available for a committed relationship and has stated this. It also does not sound like there will be a future with this man. It looks like he is just looking for consolation only and “friends with benefits” and I think you deserve much much than what he is able to give. You deserve a man without so much drama, complications, who treats you with love and respect, instead of our of his neediness, he sounds like he may be using you for this purpose and taking advantage of you.
The longer you stay with him, the more frustrated you will get. You can’t make him change his feelings, no matter how much support you give or how great the physical aspect of it is, he is not ready and has stated that. Best to break things off as the longer you stay, the harder and emotionally draining it will be for you. x
January 21, 2018 at 4:14 pm #187957
LyssannParticipantHe says he does not love me but has feelings for me…sometimes he says they are strong, sometimes not.
Oh, I am sorry you find yourself in this situation.
It sounds like you want way more from him than he is able to give. It sounds like you are saying you are unhappy with him not reciprocating the feelings you have and you wish to be partners with him, more than “secret lovers.”
If I am hearning this correctly, this sounds emotionally devastating. While a lot of the behavior between you two seems to indicate a serious long term relationship, there is the issue of him being aware of where he is at and such and him being clear that he is not where you are at.
Maybe look at this:
I keep trying to leave but I have a hard time staying away.
How long have you managed to stay separate from him? What happens that causes you to return to this situation?
January 22, 2018 at 4:11 am #187991
AnonymousGuestDear RoxySue:
Reads like a decent man, honest with you throughout. And he does have a lot going on.
His honesty with you as well as his exclusivity, is promising, in my mind. If you do get to spend enough time with him, and if you enjoy his company, it may not be good idea to end the relationship.
The commitment you want, being “not sure of a future”-
No person in the whole wide world can be sure of his or her future.
Many millions of people found a forever committed partner and got to see that commitment turn to a thing of the past.
If this man has been persistent all this time in his non-commitment, reliable this way, then he is more likely than these many other millions of people to be reliable when (and if) he does form a commitment to you.
anita
January 22, 2018 at 6:20 am #188025
RoxySueParticipantThank you all for your responses! That all make so much sense. Anita- i understand what you are saying he issue is how long do I wait. It’s been two years. He also has told me he doesn’t care what I do, is still in love with his wife and could give or take a relationship. Sometimes these words hurt even though I know he really does care. I think if I felt like a priority in his life, I would be more inclined to wait longer. It’s a tough one because everything that all of you have said makes sense!
January 22, 2018 at 6:26 am #188027ElianaParticipantHi RoxySue,
I read your post again, to make sure I was giving your fair advice. This is what struck me, what you wrote. He does not want a committed relationship, and he does not want one in the future.
yet he does not want a committed relationship (i.e., accountability to another person and opening his heart) and while he says he may see one in the future, he does not know when and if that will happen. He has self-described walls up
You said he has walls up. If a man truly is in love and wanted a relationship, no walls, and there be some talk about a future together..something. This is just my opinion. x
January 22, 2018 at 7:09 am #188037AnonymousGuestDear RoxySue:
If your experience in the relationship is mainly waiting, then I’d say: wait no more as it is very unpleasant to wait and wait for so long.
If there was enough pleasure or value in your relationship as-is, then it would be a different matter.
anita
January 22, 2018 at 7:59 am #188049RoxySueParticipantThank you! I have gone back and forth as to whether it is fine status quo. And it is not that he says there is no future, he has said he does not know when and if it will happen. He may never want a committed relationship. That is really rolling the dice. I know there are no guarantees … I guaranteed my husband I would stay married to him. But, there should at least be a shared intention or goal. The relationship is very unbalanced and that is what concerns me the most. He just told me the other day, he does not care what I do…if I see other people or not. Those are tough words to hear after being with someone for two years. Sadly, he has said that he says that bc he doesn’t have room in his life to feel jealous (bc he gets extremely jealous) – so he needs to shut down. I feel like he is 45 years old and walls are a little juvenile. I don’t know.
January 22, 2018 at 8:27 am #188065AnonymousGuestDear RoxySue:
You express hurt and anger in this relationship, being critical of him for shutting down at 45, considering it juvenile. Hurt and anger is not a promising basis for a good relationship, not at any stage of a relationship. If that hurt and anger cannot be resolved in the context of this relationship, I think the relationship should end. The sooner the better, for your own well being.
anita
January 22, 2018 at 8:28 am #188067AnonymousGuest* didn’t reflect under Topics
January 22, 2018 at 11:55 am #188129
MarkParticipantRoxySue,
He gave you his answer. You only have yourself to blame by staying in a relationship that has no future. You are keeping yourself from having a real committed relationship with someone who values you in all ways.
Mark
January 22, 2018 at 12:00 pm #188131RoxySueParticipantYes Mark that’s right. And even though he has not ruled a future out, it has been two years and at some point the future is now.
January 22, 2018 at 12:21 pm #188151
BubbaParticipantRoxysue, if you want a committed relationship and he has not already committed after two years, better leave now. It’s going to be painful, lot of heartbreak and will power to stop you from going back, but you will have to do it someday – today, six months later, one year later….
i read some where – when people tell you the first time who they are, believe them.
January 23, 2018 at 3:25 pm #188367RoxySueParticipantThank you everyone for your replies. I have decided that I’m going to at the very least tell him I cannot be a secret any longer. That part feels very demeaning to me. It feels like I am not worth the risk of possible negative consequences. I feel like I am not a priority. A few times he had said he couldn’t get together (I am the one who is always instigating the plans) because he had to clean his bathroom or was unsure if he wanted to do anything but wanted to stay home.
All in all I feel like he is getting what he wants out of me with as little effort as possible.
January 23, 2018 at 3:43 pm #188373ElianaParticipantHi RoxySue,
You’re welcome. Let us know what happens or keep posting if you need support. x
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