Dear Ferilyn:

This is what you wrote about the man you like the least in the group: “he has a tendency to monopolize conversations, to monologue, and rarely accepts another opinion when he debates… he had made fun of a medical issue I struggle with.. I’ve confessed very personal things to him.. but he didn’t really seem to listen or try to understand how I felt. He simply told me to get over it”-

-monologuing, not considering others’ opinions- that’s disrespectful to the group. Making fun of your medical issue, not listening to you, telling you to get over it- that’s disrespectful to you.

No wonder you didn’t enjoy his company, or being part of the group that included this man. I wouldn’t either.

The best way to have gone about it would have been to no longer be a part of this group early on, but you continued your participation in the group, feeling uneasy about it and expressing your unease and understandable annoyance passive-aggressively, by being brash, teasing, and telling abrasive jokes.

I suppose the group excluded you from their activities after this man was offended because he is an old timer in the group, maybe the dominant person in the group, and you are a newcomer.

“I think nothing good could come out of this forced reunion”- I agree. At this point you, in this group, you are established as the bad guy, the offending/ guilty party,  and this man is established as the good guy, the offended/ innocent party. It cannot possibly be healthy for you to be in a group where this is your established status (the bad guy, the offending/ guilty party).

“I’m not looking for comfort, for people to tell me I shouldn’t blame myself”- what I am suggesting is that you see the bigger picture. If you zoom in just on the part of you being abrasive and passive-aggressive, you are not looking at the bigger picture. Part of the picture is that this man has been disrespectful and passive-aggressive himself, toward you and disrespectful toward you and the rest of the group.

Key in future social situations is to detect disrespect and passive-aggressive behavior against you, then either withdraw from the situation, or confront the offending party directly, in an assertive, appropriate way. If the offending party correct his/ her behavior, then continue the socializing, if not- withdraw.

The thing not to do is to continue to socialize with the offending party without a direct, assertive confrontation, and instead- express your understandable anger indirectly, in passive aggressive ways. In summary: I don’t see the problem as being you being a bad person. I see the problem as a matter of you needing to improve your  social skills, particularly detecting disrespect and confronting disrespect and other relationship conflicts directly and assertively.

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by .