HI!

I understand how you feel. I think that you are still determining your self worth based on someone else’s perception of you: you need her to forgive you so that you feel like you’re a good person again. I think this stems from your insecurities, and as you work on that, your self-worth will go up and you will realize that you can’t control what other people think of you, and then you won’t care so much! It may take a while, but your guilt should go away naturally with self-improvement.

Taking responsibility for what you did means that you realize what you did was wrong, and you vow to try and not do it again. It doesn’t mean that you need to keep beating yourself up about it. It’s easier said than done, I know: I understand all about having insecurities, but try and leave it in the past, and make a better future for yourself. You deserve to be happy, but you’re happiness shouldn’t be based on the actions of another person.

Peace 🙂

Hi Tati,

I have been there – believe me! (you can read about my “dilemma” in a thread called “The long break-up”).

The most important thing I want to tell you:
Your neediness was nothing that came out of a bad intention or an “evil” heart and you were a “slave” to your ego that was fed by fear and anger.
Don’t blame yourself anymore for what has happened and leave the past in the past, as you can’t change it anymore.
Forgive yourself for what you (think) you have done, as you weren’t able to do it any other way.

By doing this you allow yourself to heal from the wounds and your fear will slowly subside – yes, it sadly takes time!
Give your heart, your mind and your soul time to heal.

You made a horrible experience and the pain seems to be unbearable.
Push through that pain!!!

The truth is, that it is really all about self esteem and loving yourself.
Because nobody else than you can really take on the responsibility of loving you.

I found lots of help to understand my real underlying problems in the following book, that I can only highly recommend!
– Nathaniel Branden, Six pillars of self esteem

And if you like it a little bit more spiritual here is another recommendation that taught me a lot about the relationship between fear and love
– Paul Ferrini, The gospel according to Jesus

You are not alone in this and I can only second what Stephen wrote.

Lars

Hey tati =)

Yeah I am from the Balcans, Slovenian by birth but Serbian origins. 😀 I am a creative guy, focusing my time on positive messages, actions, being creative in dancing and drawing, so meditation is not so difficult for me. 😀 But I do understand you, not everyone can do the easiest thing like mediation. It is ironic: Meditation is simple but difficult at the same time.

Meditation pointers, try this one it helps me: When feeling anger, stress or sadness, take a deep breath say in and deep breath out and say out ( Use your inner voice in you mind to say in and out when inhaling and exhaling ) 😀

Or just try when ever your are feeling the burst of negativity, be in a standing position and use your arms to deeply enhale from your lower abdominal to your head, then deeply exhale from your head to your lower abdominal… 😀

Main meditation consists of a quiet, noisless enviroment, containing you, your time, patience 😀

You sit in a lotus postion, if you can,t just try to sit how ever you feel most confortably, leaning on a wall in a strait position, then you inhale until you can,t inhale anymore counting to 10 ( In seconds ), then you hold your breath for 10 seconds, and exhale for 10 seconds, using controlled counting and breathing…This will help you calm your whole body and your heart rate. Repeat it at least 5x times. Then after that try to focus on your breathing, it will be slow because of the pre meditation preparation, and just try not to have any sort of tought…And you can try to say ohmmm loudly or in your mind, and follow the sound of ohmmm…It is a strong sound using your vocal cordes trough vibration, try it for at least 15-20 minutes every day, when you open your eyes, you will be naturally more calmer, and trust me your day will be easy, and calm.

Hope I helped a bit 😀

• This reply was modified 10 years ago by Marko.
• This reply was modified 10 years ago by Marko.

Hey Tatjana!
It’s ironic how our last resorts are usually the most helpful and I hope you find the answers you need on here. You know that you’re doing better and that’s good but you need to bring ALL the issues into the light. Step back and really look at what’s going on. Why do you feel the need to be dependent? What causes you to lose your temper? Everything happens for a reason and even though at times we hurt the ones we care about most, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or that you’re responsible for how they choose to react to this experience. You need to forgive yourself for the blame you hold over your head and accept what has happened. You have the opportunity to make this a positive experience but only if you learn and grow from it.

If you want to be a better partner you need to understand your weaknesses. When you depend on your partner to that extent you limit the relationship and put unnecessary pressure on it as well. A partner isn’t there to make you feel better about yourself, even though that feeling tends to come along with it. Having a partner is about sharing your love for each other, it’s about growing individually and as a couple, it’s about being brave enough to open yourself up completely to someone.

We go through these things in order to learn and the biggest mistake we can make is to ignore that. Some people are in your life just to shake the foundation of who you are and break you down completely in order for you to build yourself back up. So, begin building yourself up! This is the chance to be the person you want to be. It’s your choice. Forgive the past and put it where it belongs; the past. Accept yourself, your past, and your weaknesses so that you can not only begin to find peace within but begin to work on those weaknesses as well. Empty yourself of all the guilt and stress and replace them with understanding and acceptance.

This is your life. Enjoy every minute of it, share that enjoyment with anyone you can, and find happiness in the smallest things.

I have complete faith that you can be the person you want to be. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to heal.

thepathofaronin.blogspot.com is my personal blog. Use it if you need any help.

I’ve been the other person who was deeply hurt by someone who constantly lived in fear because of our love and was ashamed of me because she was ashamed of herself. So she hid me from her family, that was very painful but I will always appreciate the journey and be forever grateful for the love that we did share behind closed doors. I tried hard for 3 years to not let our relationship of 5 years go to waste, no matter the distance but It had appeared a few months ago that we were not on the same page anymore like we were when we were together. At least I can say that I did everything I could possibly do to save our relationship out of an act of love but it got turned around on me that I was a bad person for trying to save something that I believed was truly special. In the end, the truth hurts that the person I loved no longer exists and wants to walk the path of fear instead of love. Her hiding her sexuality and denying that she ever knew me to her family, along with other false accusations of me was the final nail in the coffin. I was emotionally exhausted after all these years and the stress of all these negative rumors started to affect me, so it was time to continue my journey of love in being true to myself and walk away from all the negativity and fear that was left behind. In order to stay true to my emotions, beliefs & identity, it was vital for me to disappear out of her life. I’m a person who wants to be welcomed in my partners family and not hidden from them because of shame. I wanted someone who was proud to call me the love of their life, like I used to call her the love of my life to my family and friends. So in conclusion, love is being open and not closed off to family and friends. I wasn’t used to having a girlfriend/lover hiding me from people. I had to do what was right, wish her well, thank the universe for the beautiful love we shared and the positive memories that we had when we were together and walk away knowing I was good person, even though she hated me and resented me later on for reminding her of her feelings towards me. I take my partial responsibility and she can take hers. Sometimes people come into our lives as lesson or a blessing. Take your pick but grow from it regardless and become better at mastering the real meaning of life and that is LOVE and to live honestly by being true to yourself.