Hi redcar

I don’t usually comment on relationship issues, but as a man who was cheated on, I might be able to give you a useful angle on this.

First, I would say that it is huge positive that you are taking responsibility for your actions. There are many (men and women) who do not, or who blame the other party for not caring about them enough. That is an abdication of responsibility, and makes it easier to justify similar behaviour in the future. The fact that you are not doing this, and acknowledging your feelings of guilt, mean that you are far less likely to repeat this behaviour. It also reinforces that you are a good and worthy person who cares about the feelings of others.

You say that you cheated on him “during the dull parts”. Now, every relationship of any duration will have its “dull parts”. The issue is how we deal with them. In my case, I tried to do everything that I could to help my wife deal with her issues and revive the relationship because, in my eyes, I had made a firm commitment and therefore looking outside was not even an option. I simply had to find a way to make it work. Ultimately that didn’t happen because she was looking for an answer elsewhere. As you have found out, once you start thinking along those lines, it is the beginning of the end for the relationship.

Ultimately you broke up, not because you cheated on him but because the relationship had run out of steam. That happens sometimes – it doesn’t mean that either of you are bad people. Did the relationship run out of steam because you knew deep down that you had cheated? Maybe, but from what you have said it sounds as if things were going that way anyway. You tried one solution, which didn’t work. You looked for others, and they didn’t work either. You are two good people, just not right for each other – there is no shame or guilt in that.

You also talk about forgiveness for those who cheat. Was I upset when I found out? Of course I was. Do I forgive my ex-wife for her cheating? Of course I do. It was as much a symptom as a cause of our split. Much as I would have preferred things to work out differently, it had to be something that we both wanted, and ultimately it wasn’t. I spent many years, as you put it, watering a dead plant. She obviously was unhappy with the relationship. Why would I force someone I care about to stay unhappy? Now I can focus on myself, and on my future, and on someone who does value our relationship. Why would I waste time and effort feeling angry or bitter about that?

At the moment you are taking all of the guilt on yourself because your ex is unaware of what happened. He can’t forgive you, or be angry, or respond in any way to something he doesn’t know about. You are also worried that others might find out about what happened, and so you are constantly living in fear of that. But remember that he, and those others, will all have done things that they shouldn’t have done, and things that they would not want anyone else to know about. It is part of being human. It doesn’t make them bad people, and the same goes for you.

The solution to all of this is to forgive yourself in the same way that you ask us to forgive others. Your post suggests that you did what you did because the relationship was already over (even though you may not have been aware of it). You tried everything you could to revive it, but that didn’t work. Maybe you cheated because you already knew it was over, or to help you decide if it really was worth fighting for. Whatever the reason, the outcome would have been the same.

So, in summary, the split sounds like it was the best long-term outcome for both of you. You clearly care very deeply about the feelings of others. You have learned a lesson from your actions, and now understand the hurt it causes you personally as well as others. So having learned the lesson, accept it, forgive yourself, and move forward from today. We are defined not by our past actions, but by how we respond to those actions. Your response is positive and caring. Extend that response to yourself as well as others, and everyone will benefit from your experience.