Dear Anita, thank you for your reply! 🙂

I’ve read your reply 2 days ago and I kept thinking about what you said. Not sure about committing to stay here until the end of the year – to me it feels like such a long time. These days I kept missing Warsaw and I kept thinking about going back there. I feel like I miss the way I used to live ( although there were some problems then too ). Having an online job made everything easier for me then and I was able to move from here to Poland and to go from Poland to my country as often as I wanted. I really liked that and now that I’m having these 2 jobs I see how much they limit my mobility. That’s okay.. I guess I knew that. But I don’t like it at all.

Also.. very often me being here feels wrong. I feel like Alicante had it’s purpose a while ago but now I’ve moved on.. I don’t seem to feel good here. I used to like the big crowds and head but now, not really. I do enjoy the workouts on the beach – that’s one thing I do here and enjoy but anything else, for the last 2 months didn’t feel right. I don’t know. Also I noticed lately, I get headaches every time I do my classes in the school. With no exception, every time I’m heading there ( before the classes ) I get a slight headache – which gets worse during my classes. This doesn’t happen when I work in the bar – although I’m basically in the sun for 8 hours running jumping around like Rocky Balboa.

My girlfriend would like me to go back to Warsaw.. although she prefers not to say anything – she always encourages me to do as I feel. She’s running her own business there and lately it started getting better and better so leaving her business there and coming here doesn’t seem like the right thing to do right now. ( at least from a financial point of view )

I thought this place would work really well for us but lately I’m not sure about it at all.. and neither is she. These last days I’ve been applying for all kinds of jobs in Warsaw ( mostly remote and things I could do from the comforts of café’s – that I really enjoyed in the past and I miss it ).  Let’s see if there will be any offers – then maybe I can weigh things and see what makes more sense. It wouldn’t make sense for me anyways to leave both my jobs here and move to Warsaw having no job. For now I’ll keep doing what I was doing but I see that a change needs to come – wether a change of my attitude towards the present circumstances or eventually a change of location / job.

Now I’m having a cup of coffee before my classes. I’ll only do 2 hours today but It usually takes all my energy. Maybe I’ll write a little more later – but very often after 3 or even 2 hours of teaching I get so tired that I just don’t have the resources. Whenever I have those headaches I feel like my body is telling me something. Might be the case..

Anyways, gotta go now – put my polo shirt on and look like a teacher.

Talk to you later 🙂

Robi

Now.. I woke up this morning with these thoughts. Pretty interesting thoughts I’ve had for some time now.

There are 2 things I’d like to write:

1) The mask I created a long time ago 

As a kid while feeling misunderstood, lonely, suppressed and in many ways caged by my parents I created a mask. A persona If you’d like. I did everything I could to fool others I’m not shy, afraid and anxious. I was operating from a place of  very low self esteem. I had very low self worth and I was very insecure. I was bottled up and suppressed. I’ve had good reasons too. I haven’t been only suppressed by my parents but also hit by my mother and I’ve been told pretty nasty things. Things that as a kid I labeled as a threat to my safety – to my attachment to my parents. Basically survival – If I don’t act accordingly they will abandon me. There I am suppressing my authentic feelings in order to keep the attachment to my parents.

From very early age I put on a mask – I wanted to impress others, I wanted them to believe I was confident, smart, interesting, charismatic, rich, strong, good looking etc. I grew up operating form this level of programming and the moment some doors opened ( Erasmus Programme ) – I flew away. I wanted to explore, to leave it all behind. I was suffering deeply although I’ve had no idea about it. I was too unaware to be able to see and feel it. I was also too busy engaging in the coping mechanisms I’ve developed throughout the years in order to ”snooze” all the pain. Some of the old coping mechanisms ( sitting in front of the computer playing games, watching all kinds of stuff ) have been replaced by smoking weed, going out partying, getting drunk and socialising. Not saying it wasn’t fun – I have fantastic memories. But I was operating still from the level of my mask. I was again, too scared to be myself fully – I would get drunk in order to feel more comfortable around people. I felt more charismatic when I was drunk and I was often the centre of attention – which I liked a lot. I still do sometimes.

But I don’t drink anymore.. and I don’t want to spend my time that way. I don’t want to hang out with drinking buddies with whom I have nothing in common except an addiction. An addiction we all share and never talk about – the moment one isn’t drinking or not drunk enough, judgement arrises. Judgement from my so called friends – the people I spend my time with.

The mask started dissolving quite a while ago and speeded up the moment I met my girlfriend and moved to Poland in 2021. There I gradually found a different version of myself – a more accepting self. I finally understood I’m okay the way I am and I don’t need to impress anyone. Of course at times there were battles between ” the old and the new ”,  battles I still have now. I know I’ve changed a lot – I feel like I woke up, I found my wounds, uncovered them, addressed them as much as I was able, confronted my family about the traumas I still carry with me today. It has been hard as f*ck and often I regret not having the awareness earlier in life.. and I had to wait until my 30’s to really work on myself. But all this has been a process – maybe this is the way. My way – as Frank used to say.

Okay, I know… I’m again writing an unnecessarily long post. Going through it all again, helps me see it better.

NOW. I feel like Alicante has been feeding the mask. Now I feel like it doesn’t quite feed who I am today. Parts of me want to stay here because it’s cool, it’s nice, warm, many people want to live here. Often I look for reasons to stay here. Often I tell myself: ” yes, but many people want to live here.. it’s such a nice place and the quality of life etc. ”. But often I feel something in my gut which tells me there is something wrong. I don’t quite like it anymore.. its too crowded, too loud and there’s something about the spanish lifestyle that I don’t like anymore. I think it was a good place to continue operating from the level of my programming – here I acted like a successful young man – impressing others with the way I looked, talked, dressed, danced etc. But that’s not who I am anymore. And I’m thinking.. well, why not be who I am now – here in Alicante, right now. I’m sure this place hosts all kinds of people, also my kind of people. I don’t know. Maybe if my girlfriend would be here too, things would feel different.. but right now I feel lonely, away from my girlfriend, away from my family, not having friends and not really enjoying my postcard.

Now..

there’s the other thing.

2) Missing, Feeling but disconnecting after a while. 

I’ve experienced this for the last 2 and a half years since I met my girlfriend. I would feel close to her when we are together, I feel connected to her when she’s part of my life on a daily basis. We were in a long distance relationship at times and right before her or me leaving I would feel very sad – I would feel sad because we won’t see each other for a while again. For a few days, I would miss her, I would feel connected to her.  A few days would pass and I would start disconnecting from her. I wouldn’t even feel like I wanted to talk to her and often my first impulse would be to ignore her messages – I would be almost annoyed by her contacting me. At times I would think of other women too.. although I’ve never tried anything and never really wanted to.

When we meet again, it takes me a little time to ”adjust”. I would be a little distant at first, maybe for a few hours or a day.. but then slowly I would get back into my ”caring and loving mode ”. In the last 1 and a half years we weren’t apart for long so these things didn’t happen that much but now I again see it happening. Now that we only see each other every 2…3…4 weeks.

What do you think about this? I don’t know what to make of it. First thing that comes to my mind would be maybe something connected to my mother? Maybe something connected to abandonment? There’s a feeling of disappointment at times when I know we have to be apart. So maybe there’s something from the past triggering me in this way?

My mother used to take me to kindergarten every morning. We had this routine we would always do. She would wait in the parking lot until I get in the building, walk up to the first floor and go to the window facing the parking lot and wave to each other. This was important for me – I remember it being important. One day she was in a hurry and although she told me that she’s in a hurry and she doesn’t have the time to wait for me walk up those stairs.. it still hurt me very much not sticking to our routine. Not seeing her there. She told me not to get upset about it, but I did. I remember crying for a long time. I felt disappointed.

This is one story I believe might be connected to the feeling of being abandoned – a feeling I think it’s been echoing for a long time and gets triggered sometimes. Also, there are other not so nice stories – like being told by my mother that If I don’t act accordingly I’ll be sent to foster care. Or waking up in a caravan on my own thinking that my parents abandoned me.

So.. I don’t know what’s going on. Why do I disconnect like this? Am I protecting myself from getting hurt? Am I trying to protect myself from missing someone?

Writing all these down made me so tired – although I wrote it all down while having a big cup of coffee. Thank you for reading my stories. I appreciate your time a lot 🙂 Thank you!

Robi

Dear Anita,

this is what crossed my mind before reading this part: that your attachment to your girlfriend is and has been a positive, healing attachment, hence the increased self-esteem and dissolving of the mask. 

Of course! you are right – I’ve never really put it in these words but yes, feels right the way you described it!

I am visualizing the Alicante postcard and I see.. there in that corner, a young man wearing a polo shirt and a mask. Is that you, Robi, underneath that mask?

 A young, pissed off ( because he’s got e headache ) man wearing a polo shirt…Well.. sounds about right except for the mask. I think the mask has has become more transparent. The headache however is still here. I can’t believe it – I again, after teaching 3 hours today have a headache. It seems like my body is showing me that this job is not good for me. I have to do some thinking.. maybe it really isn’t for me.

Also, what you’ve said about me disconnecting in order to reduce my separation anxiety – yes.. indeed It crossed my mind. I felt it more than I thought about it. I didn’t quite know how to articulate it – but I definitely felt like I’m shielding myself from something. Thank you! You put light on it 🙂

These days I’ve been doing so much thinking… should I stay… should I go… I miss the times I’ve had there – I miss the job I’ve had then… so much confusion. I’m somehow glad I’ll go to the bar tomorrow – I won’t have any space to think at all :))

Thank you for your answer,

Take good care!

Robi

Dear Anita,

I’m soo tired! I’ve just put my computer on my lap starting to write and I realise all I wanna do is take a nap. I’ve planned to go to the beach and do my workout. Might take a break today.. maybe I could actually rest. Also its soo hot already.. the only reasonable time to train is either early morning or evening. Sadly, I work most evenings and sleep most mornings:))

There are some news however! On Saturday the manager of that beach bar told me we won’t cooperate anymore. He needs someone available to work 40 hours and since I also work in the school, I can only work part time at the bar. For a couple of weeks I’ve had it – I was making a decent income and I was fully independent from my family financially ( at least on my way to be ). Then he told me the news I felt okay.. I was a little sad because I wanted to keep working and get closer to my financial goal.. but I accepted it as if things have to go this way right now. It did feel like the right thing though. So then I thought.. okay.. I still have the 10 hours a week I do for the school.. it isn’t much but its enough for me to pay for food and expenses. ( rent is still provided by my family ).

Yesterday I asked the school when do the courses and.. and to my surprise I realised they will end quite soon and I will be left without the school job as well, next month. All this time I was thinking of Warsaw.. missing being there, planning and picturing me working there, having a remote job, working in café’s etc. Also, these days I finally said it to my friends and girlfriend – I voiced my doubts about living here in Alicante. It was hard to admit that maybe this isn’t a good place for me right now and I don’t feel good here. Finally admitting it felt good and I felt much lighter.

Also on Monday my body seemed to have reacted to all the stress I’ve been lately so for the first time, I couldn’t go do my classes.. my body felt like it’s been hit by a train – horrible headache and very dense mental fog. I couldn’t do it.. I was fed up with doing those classes. So I canceled the day. I rested. Later on the headache was still there, I was still in a pretty bad state when a friend called me and told him about wanting to leave Alicante, and how I really felt here.. Next thing you know, I felt like I just woke up in the morning full of energy – although it was close to the end of the day and I’ve had a tough time. I’m thinking maybe my body is showing me this job isn’t for me.

Now.. finding out yesterday that I’ll be left without classes soon, I decided to buy myself a cheap ticket to Warsaw – for the beginning of June. I decided not to wait and get a very good price by buying one early. It’s funny because my girlfriend will be here for 8 days and she’ll be going back to Warsaw  the same day I will – but we’ll have different flights :))

These days I kept applying to all sorts of jobs there, every day. Let’s see.. maybe I get lucky and get an interview lined up  for June. If not.. I’m thinking of staying there for a bit,  a week or two with her and her mum and if I don’t yet have any work maybe go to Transylvania and spend some time ” home ”. Well that’s where I’m from and where my parents live.. but not sure it feels like home. Sometimes it does. I don’t know.. there’s something in me that wants to go there for a bit –  couple of weeks will be okay. Maybe It’ll be good.. maybe there are still things that need to be addressed. Maybe not. We’ll see. Still.. feels better than living here, paying rent out of my parent’s pocket and not really liking it.

Up until buying the ticket, I was looking forward to leave.. to go both to Poland and Romania.. but after buying it.. I started feeling some resistance. Is this a good thing? Maybe I could’ve thought about it more. It’s always like that! I still want to do it, but I observe again how I function. I feel like I’m moving on. Again. It’s good!

Thank you for creating this space – being able to be heard means so much to me!

I hope you are having a good day and I’d like you to know that whenever you’d like to share anything, I would be very happy to respond with my best insights. Now, I won’t be working out.  I’ll take a nap instead. I’ll have to do those 3 hours later on 🙁

Robi

I got lost for a while reading my old posts on this forum. So many things happened! So many things changed. Many haven’t changed.. but If I think about it there aren’t many things that haven’t been upgraded in some way. I remember when I wrote the first post.. the very, very long post. I was in Cluj, in a room I was renting there – my girlfriend at the time was away visiting her family in Germany and I took advantage of a few days on my own to try to shed some light into my blurry and anxious life. I was suffering soo deeply back then – and I had no tools to work with myself. My relationship wasn’t great.. although I was trying to convince myself it was. Also I was hurting so much and I just didn’t know why – I was looking for answers but didn’t have clarity.

Fast forward what.. 5..6 years? I’m in a room I’m renting in Spain – girlfriend back in Poland. Laying in bed listening to some very relaxing and grounding stuff. ( Pave the way ( 1hr ) – Organic Downtempo Nature Improvisation w/ Mose & Natan Rabin ). Well – I am certainly more grounded now. I’ve certainly found my way to connect, relax and focus. Doing sports,  meditating, breath work and yoga have been the fuel for my cleansing process. I sometimes look at my morning ritual I can’t believe Its really me doing all these things. Back in 2018 that would’ve been impossible. But let’s set aside the yogi stuff.

Isn’t it a little similar?

As I said. Many things have changed but some still haven’t really. I am still unsure of many things and ( now ) I’m partially relying on my family for financial support. ( back then I had no income of my own ). This time, my relationship couldn’t be more different than the previous one. I do sometimes have doubts about my ability to have a healthy relationship.. sometimes I feel like I’m struggling but I found that communication works miracles. This time I have the awareness to at least spot when I get triggered.. to feel when I’m acting from my ego ( mask ) / wounded child.  I also recently realised that I was able to work for 3 years online, making a decent income – indeed in a very comfy manner which worked for me really well and made everything easier. Now, recently I was working 2 jobs ( both of them quite uncomfortable in many ways ) – I managed to handle both of them well without feeling too anxious. I did feel anxious at first – but quickly I started feeling a lot more confident. ( until the headaches started… and then I just feel like sh*t  – but what can I do? nobody likes a headache ).

S0.. although most things have changed, again I see myself reliving the same situation – relying on my parents financial support and not fully standing on my own feet. I see something is still holding me back. Not long after I’ve had my second job and I had the prospect of being fully independent again I seem to fall back on my armchair. Might not even be my armchair. I’m a very fit and active guy and I surely don’t like sitting. When I was doing the online job I was often working on a standing desk.

This is something I’d like to solve. I am very grateful for being in a position where I can ask for financial help If I need it – I am very much aware many don’t. But I am also aware that this ”connection” keeps me stuck and doesn’t allow me to grow further.

Now.. part of me thinks I should stay here in Alicante and do whatever it takes to have a job – any job to be able to maintain my financial independence. And in many ways that might as well be the right thing to do. But it doesn’t feel right either. The more work I have the less I have time to visit my girlfriend. So then.. our relationship would suffer a lot. Ideally I should do this same thing ( working on my financial independence ) wherever she is.

I seem to miss Warsaw a lot, you know that already – but I also have doubts.. I would have to live with my girlfriend and her mother ( again ) . ( until I have a decent income and afford renting something ). Also, If I don’t find work right away, I’m thinking of going to Romania for a while until I find something in Warsaw and then move. What you said really resonated with me.

Going “home”.. better get more clarity about your purpose there: what would it be? Better not be motivated by nostalgia alone (selective memory, remembering the good; forgetting the bad). Looking at the title of your thread: better you don’t procrastinate- or press the Pause feature on-  becoming an adult, by going back “home”.

Well – nostalgia there is of course. There are many things I love there. There are beautiful hills and forests I know like the back of my hand. I like walking around such places, running, connecting to the nature. This is very important for me. Also, there are nice twisty roads I also happen to know really well. Not sure you know, but I’m a lot into cars – fast ones especially. Driving a car to its absolute limit has been my ”drug” for years – that has been my escape. Also the nice food, we live in the countryside so we get fresh eggs from our neighbours, cheese etc. My dad makes home made wine and my mother cooks delicious foods. These things I miss, yes.

I don’t miss being controlled and observed by my parents all the time though. But does it have to be like that? I suppose I’ve learned a couple of things lately. I believe my defence systems also evolved in the last years – I think I can set my boundaries better now. I’d like to be able to go back to what I believe is partly my house, to the country I grew up in, without being afraid of becoming a trapped kid again. I don’t want to be avoiding going there – that place should be a place where I can feel at home and I don’t want to run away from it. I’ve done that already so many times – always with tears in my eyes. Maybe I don’t want to do that anymore. I might not want to live there but I also don’t want to run away from it. I am here to heal my wounds and find my voice.  I’m not going to settle for anything that keeps me away from doing the inner work I need to do. This is what REALLY matters so it should be a priority. I know so many people who I see and feel – they are struggling, suffering, having very difficult pasts which they don’t deal with at all. They work 12 hours a day instead.. very often jobs they don’t enjoy – and when they don’t, they drink / smoke / scroll their Tiktock – Tiktok – how tfck do you write that anyways?!

There has to be a way to do this. There has to be a way to find my financial independence, become a more responsible adult and be OKAY with my past. I don’t want to keep running away from the place that wounded me. The place hasn’t done a thing to me anyways.

I’m finding that way. I’m just a bit confused.. as one should be. Times are confusing and everything is moving so fast. I hope all I wrote makes some sense..

What do you think Anita?

I am very surprised and happy to know you are as well Romanian! I am also only half Romanian, my father is from Hungarian descent. Such small world indeed. Sending you all the best!!! 🙂

Robi