Dear Robbie:

“About 5 years ago I wrote a very long post here“- it was back on June 8, 2018, your very first post on your first tread, a post I answered on that same day. The last time we communicated was on Feb 7 and 16, 2023. Welcome back to the forums! I have been away Feb 16-Aug 28, 2013, and back every day since, good to read from you today!

About your childhood, you shared in this thread: “I was a shy kid, in many areas blocked, stuck and anxious… disconnected from myself, from my healthy needs and boundaries quite early. Earlier than I can remember…. I grew up in a flat with my parents. I didn’t have my own room, or my own space… Most of my childhood I’ve lived in a guest room which served also as a storage room for my parent’s stuff. The door was made of glass, so I’ve had no privacy…. For years, after school I would go to my parents’ work place and wait for them to finish work… I would wait there for sometimes 7..8 hours. I’ve had nothing to do there. I would wait, walk around, just wait for the time to pass… During summer holidays we would go to our lake house. We would spend months in total there. I hated it… Similarly, at the lake house we all slept in one room and I didn’t get much space for myself. Also, I’ve had no friends there. I felt alone and caged.

“Since I didn’t like school that much, I didn’t bother studying either. I remember not being interested and finding it very difficult to concentrate. I would procrastinate and avoid homework at all costs. The costs however, were high. My mother used to hit me whenever she would find out about my bad grades. A few times, I remember being brutally hit with a belt. Often after hitting me she would cry and apologise. She lost it quite a few times like that. I remember being confused – not understanding what the f*** is going on.  Also, once I’ve been promised that if I don’t improve my behaviour they will take me to a foster home. I’ve been told they will abandon me. I remember feeling scared that I will lose the attachment to my parents…

“When I was about 11, my parent’s bought my first computer. I was hooked from the early beginning. I would spend an entire day and sometimes night playing games and watching films”.

About today, you shared: “Today, more than 5 years later, many things have changed. I’ve come closer to myself and I’ve learned to be more comfortable with my daily life… I am very, very grateful for all the insights that came my way, the teachers and the experiences that transformed me. I am also very proud of myself for letting myself be guided by my heart and not my fears.. For the last 3 years I’ve been working online and it has been very good – I was able to work whenever I wanted for as long as I wanted and the pay was very good. I enjoyed that!.. I’ve learned to be close to myself, to procrastinate way less and have a healthy routine… “-

– C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S   for all your learning, amazingly expanding awareness and progress, and I am glad that you are very proud of yourself!

“Also, many things haven’t changed. As I recently said during a therapy session, ‘The game is the same, only the level has changed’… Although many things have changed… I’m still looking for the same thing I’ve been looking for as a kid. I’m still looking to fit in… I’ve had a couple of jobs in the last years but couldn’t hold on to them for long. Often I felt excruciatingly anxious and tired while at work, I just wanted to escape. For the last 3 years I’ve been working online and it has been very good…  I still at times felt like I wanted to procrastinate but knowing I can do it in my own terms helped a lot. In many ways that job was tailored to my current blockages and anxieties. I managed to work and have an income without experiencing a lot of discomfort. Now, sadly the project I’ve been working on ended and again, I find myself looking for a job. I am more confident now of course, I have better awareness and I know things will work out. However, I would like to dig deeper into what has been really holding me down. I’ve often felt like I was operating with half of my brain tied to my back….I’m curious if any of you see the connection between my childhood and my current struggle finding a job and motivating myself to move forward. I often feel stuck and tired of this inability to move on”- 

– Yes, I see the connection between your childhood and your current struggles: I could title your childhood story, The Boy in a Glass Cage, or Stuck Waiting, and/ or Never Alone,  Always Lonely (“I was very lonely. Well.. Not. My parents where there every second of my childhood“, from a previous thread).

Being observed at any time through the glass door of the storage room where you lived, in the flat, with parents entering at any time without knocking, parents who saw you but.. didn’t see what you needed so desperately (privacy and positive attention), and when on “vacation” in the lake house .. still no privacy- no wonder that as an adult, you don’t want to be observed by people and therefore, you have had problems having long-term relationships. Lonely- you need people; having been caged in a situation where you were watched at any time- and sometimes hit by your mother(and threatened to be placed in a foster home), you need to be away from people. This is the main conflict, as I see it.

The boy in the glass cage was an anxious boy, a prisoner. Fast forward, the boy is you (not all of you, but much of you), and he will not be caged again, not if he can help it: not in a relationship, not in a job! The job you described was perfect for you because it afforded the boy enough freedom, and it is clear to me that your future job or jobs should be similarly flexible, so that the boy can experience a measure of freedom. And the woman for you needs to be similarly flexible, affording you lots of alone time behind a closed, solid door into which she’ll never enter without knocking first, asking and receiving permission to enter.

anita

Dear Robbie:

I spent a long, long time on a reply to your recent post earlier today, almost concluded a long post with quotes and all, like I normally do, and then lost it all after opening a new window. So, this reply will be different and way, way shorter than the one I lost: first, you are welcome and thank you for your kind words and love sentiment. I do hope, like you, that people will be reading your story will draw hope and help from it. You express yourself so well!

Thank you for the author/ book recommendation. I looked up quotes and particularly liked the ones I was able to process (having ADD myself), one about children doing way more reacting (to parents0 than acting; another about how ADD is about tunning out chronic pain experience in childhood because the developing nervous system cannot handle the ongoing (negative) stimulation, nor can the body tolerate the high levels of stress hormones secreted into then blood. It reads like, by the way, that if you, Robbie, suffer from ADD, it’s not as severe as in my case.

I was glad to read that you are still in a long-term relationship with your girlfriend, who reads like a lovely person! I hope that you land a job (in Poland or in Spain) fitting your needs for money/ financial independent, on one hand, and your need for freedom and flexibility, on the other hand.

In regard to your mother, I was thinking about what drives her in regard to how she’s been treating you as a child, and still. It seems to me that she feels guilty for hitting you, for threatening to send you to foster home, etc., (as she should), but her response to her guilty feelings is- unfortunately- not to acknowledge, sincerely apologize for her past behaviors, and correct those- but instead, to guilt-trip and threaten you further. In other words, her solution to her past wrongdoings against you is to .. add wrong on top of wrong… (nice work, mom… not!)

Am I correct in my understanding?

anita

Dear Robbie:

You are very welcome! Y are still 9 hours ahead of me. By the time I submit this, it will be 2:11 pm here, U.S.; 11:11 pm, Poland.

“It is possible that the closest thing to receiving their attention could mean their financial support – them giving me money. But I don’t really feel it. I don’t know! I’d have to really pay attention to this, this is very important”-

-yesterday, you wrote: “my mother was thrilled – …’I give you the money right now if you want!’ That felt good! It felt like a welcoming hug. It felt like healthy support from my family“- so it’s not necessarily that receiving your parents’ money felt good, but that seeing your mother thrilled in connection to you, that made you feel good, like a welcoming hug (your words)

I will reply further to your post above (and to whatever you may add before I return) Wed morning (your Wed afternoon). Good night, Robbie.

anita

Dear Robbie:

“In my country many kids were hit by their parents and It’s considered almost normal, although illegal. Only recently I started thinking more about those events, and I realised that might’ve been one of the reasons why I didn’t trust my parents and the reason why I disconnected myself from not only them, but partly the world around me. Actually I’ve always remembered those events, but didn’t think they meant anything. I was wrong, obviously. I thought that I deserved to be hit, like many other kids from my generation did. I didn’t connect the dots until recently”-

– (1) As I read this, I thought of a book you might write and publish one day, for people of your age (and older), in your country (and in other countries) to read. You express yourself so well, and with such refreshing emotional honesty.

(2) Indeed, physical abuse of children inside the home leads to mistrust and disconnection in the society at large.

“As for my mother, your description is perfect. ‘crazy – not sensible or reasonable. She seems bitter, angry, chronically stressed, perhaps, unaware/ having no insight into herself or into others.. unpredictable, impulsive‘. My mother always took care of others- she had to take care of her siblings so from an early age she took the role of the caregiver. Her mother wasn’t very emotionally available either, she gave her many responsibilities and didn’t give her space to be a kid… She suffered a lot through her childhood, married a man who’s family didn’t like her at all… When she was 24 she had an abortion. My father didn’t want to have a kid… Few years later, I came out – my mother told me she had to trick my father into it. (whatever that means..)”-

– I imagine that growing up, as she took care of her siblings/ others,  she got some positive reward from her mother, however small, and that filled her with hope and excitement, an emotional motivation to keep taking care of others, hoping for more of a reward: for affection and love, and to be taken care of in return. Not having received that greater reward day in and day out, year after year, filled her with anger, chronic, ongoing anger, motivating her to turn against those she was helping (“they never really had a good relationship, it was always very intense“, you wrote about her relationships with her family of origin)

Fast forward, she displays the same conflicted motivations as a mother: on one hand, taking care of you and feeling that hope and excitement combo, as in when you asked for financial help last Christmas (“At first, my mother was thrilled… I’ll give you the money right now if you want“), and on the other hand,  angrily, she turns against you, during the same Christmas visit (“My mother was already acting very standoffish…  She cornered me and started a fight – told me I didn’t care about them and I only cared about myself… she said to me – ‘You’re leaving in 3 days. From that point, you’re on your own’.  She didn’t talk to us for the next days“).

Having a kid (you) was her new hope to receive the love that was not available for her elsewhere. She had to.. almost steal this new opportunity- in her mind-  to be loved (by tricking your father).

“Very often I’ve heard from them ( actually my mother mostly ) things like: ‘please don’t forget us’, ‘keep calling us’ ‘don’t leave us’. ‘We are your parents and we do everything for you’, ‘You can always rely on us’“- growing up, not receiving love, she felt undeserving of it. She kept taking care of others, hoping to become deserving of love. Fast forward, she feels undeserving of your love.. and hoping to become deserving of it by (financially) helping you more.

“Since, she’s been through a cancer, when I was 13 and quite a few health problems. Her traumas are showing in her body“- ongoing, chronic anger involves lots of stress hormones released into the blood, day in and day out, and over time, such do damage to the body.

“but she doesn’t hear it. I am very often worried, and I find it hard to live my own life knowing she needs so much help, but I’ve tried to support her and I see that there isn’t much I can do. I tried helping her become more aware, but it doesn’t always work like that“-

– indeed, it doesn’t work like that. The love she needed as a child was not there for her for too long, so her emotional love receptors, so to speak, got filled with scar tissue (way before you were born). When you were a toddler and a young child, you loved her very much, it was a pure and unconditional love (as it is the case of any young child), but  it was too late for her to receive your love because of that (figurative) scar tissue.

You tried to help her to become more aware, but becoming aware involves pain.. like the pain of removing a scar tissue that’s well embedded in the flesh. I don’t think, from all that you shared, that she can be helped except by a quality, professional counselor/ psychotherapist whom she’d be willing to see.

“My main objective now is to head back to Spain and find stability. I’ll have an online interview on Friday with a language school from Spain, I’ve sent quite a few applications… In Poland I didn’t manage to find a job. I also don’t want to live here anymore, it doesn’t make any sense to me. I hope next month I’ll get to Spain and start working. I hope to use my parents financial help for as little as possible and become financially independent again as soon as possible. What do you think of this?… and I also don’t want to move back with my parents“-

– I think that it’s a good plan for you to (1) not move back with your parents, (2) to find a job and become financially independent again.

As far as moving to Spain, will you leave your girlfriend behind in Poland, or will she be joining you?

anita

Dear Robi:

You are welcome, and thank you for your appreciation of me! “I’ve spent maybe too much thinking of these aspects that I often feel like I overly analysed the story of my childhood to the point of not living fully in the present moment anymore“- I am all for you living fully in the present moment, aka living mindfully!

“Today I’ve bought my plane ticket to go to Spain. I’m going in the first of March.  New Month, New Beginning…“- – C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S                      and  how exciting…     a     N e w   B e g i n n i n g       !!!!

“Now, tomorrow morning after waking up, I’ll do my yoga, meditate and have an online interview with a Language Academy in Spain. ( Alicante – if you were wondering where I’m going)“-

– About Alicante, Spain: “The area around Alicante has been inhabited for over 7000 years. The first tribes of hunter-gatherers moved down gradually from Central Europe between 5000 and 3000 BC” (Wikipedia). It is amazing that on March 1, 2024 AD, Robi will be flying from Central Europe (Poland) to a place first settled by Central Europeans 5,000 or 7,000 years ago!

“I’d like to become more grounded in these situations, to be less scared of failure and feel less of an impostor. After all, I’ve done it before. I’ve been teaching English for a while and I didn’t suck at it… knowing I’ll have that interview tomorrow – a big wave of anxiety hit me. A wave of nostalgia and false reasoning… Suddenly I’ll miss Poland. I’ll miss the dark, wet and cold days… with the right amount of discipline, awareness and momentum… So, yes, I feel anxious – almost paralysed…  Often my newly discovered sense of courage, the part of me that finds hope and clarity, loses to my older inhabitants that have been the ruling party for much longer”-

– being scared of failure, feeling like a imposter, the wave of anxiety and feeling paralyzed, these “older inhabitants” of your brain-body are neurological- chemical (neurotransmitters, hormones) habits. Intellectual understandings of the whys do not undo such chemical habits. It takes discipline to lower the intensity of the old habits and slowly, with disciplined practice and an attitude of courage, to form new habits.

Notice how instinctively, your brain got nostalgic, as a way to keep you in Poland, so to prevent you from leaving to Spain. Nostalgia.. another mental (neurological- chemical) habit.

“The girlfriend has to stay here for a while. I’d love to be able to take her with me!…She loves (Spain) “- I hope that the two of you will reunite in Spain.. something to look forward to!

“What I’m going to do now, is prepare for the interview. My CV doesn’t even acknowledge I’ve ever moved away from Spain – and on paper, I’ve never stopped teaching English. So now, I gotta make sure tomorrow I look like I know my s****. I know, maybe not completely fair but I’m in a bit of a hurry to get my s**** together.“- Mindfully, being patient with your old habits (they will not just .. disappear), but persistent with the making of new habits… do get your s**** together, I am excited for you!

anita