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Growing in friendship

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • January 12, 2018 at 4:39 am #186287
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Meander:

    Your mother made your life be about her. She was the main character, you were a far secondary. She was on the stage, you were the silent, supportive audience. She expressed, you repressed. Your friend feels comfortable being on the stage and you feel uncomfortable being on the stage. But you do want stage time. So you ask her to… ask you to get on the stage, to invite you up to the stage.

    I think that inviting you to the stage is a wonderful thing a quality psychotherapist can do, ask you gentle questions, listen, let you know she heard you by repeating what you said, so you know you were heard. And then, in therapy, deal with the anger you understandably carry on from childhood, anger about being dismissed as unimportant, not important enough for having your time on the stage.

    I don’t think a friend can provide a series of corrective experiences for you.

    With your friend, the challenge, I think, is on one hand to not overwhelm her with your sharing, expressing and on the other hand to make sure that when you reasonably share, she does listen and responds.

    Back to the psychotherapy idea, I think that a quality psychotherapist will be best able to help you, to teach you how to be on that stage and … how to be in that audience.

    anita

    January 12, 2018 at 5:10 am #186295
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Meander,

    You ARE the Protagonist in your own story! Your friend knows it, too. I think it’s wonderful, actually, that you are opposites and have this friendship. Aside from the quality psychotherapist, continue your friendship, don’t read too much into it, and enjoy it!

    Best,

    Inky

    January 12, 2018 at 12:40 pm #186379
    Meander
    Participant

    Thanks very much for your replies Anita and Inky.

     

    My friend and I both benefit from being different-helps give different perspectives and experiences which we appreciate. We encourage and challenge each other in different ways.

    Id never considered that anger from my childhood could be triggering feelings. That makes a lot of sense. I did go through a time with my mum where I had a lot of anger with her-would get irrationally mad at little things and then feel bad for it. Ive gotten to a much better place with my mum, but there are still many feelings there-like a sense of hurt-that I don’t really like to consider because I don’t know where to channel it healthily. I don’t want to be in a frame of mind where I blame Mum-that’s not something she can deal with.

    thanks for the suggestion about talking to someone to help deal with that-I think that’s a good idea

    Meander

    January 13, 2018 at 7:16 am #186465
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Meander:

    You wrote: “..not something she can deal with”- she is still on the stage. Got to get yourself out of the audience in your own life and place yourself on the stage.

    I don’t think it is a good idea to confront your mother, that will solve nothing at all but create more distress for you. On the other hand, accepting your anger as valid, as understandable is very important for your well being.

    It is about you understanding deeply that indeed your mother harmed you, and therefore your hurt and anger are valid. And then, as this sinks in deeper and deeper, you will feel that it is the right thing for you to do,   to place yourself on that stage.

    anita

    January 13, 2018 at 11:33 pm #186523
    Meander
    Participant

    Thanks. The part about validating my anger has really got me reflecting -I struggle to validate my feelings in general. I am scared to have feelings that might not fit in with other people around me-even in my own head I’ll question if it is ok to feel that way. That is definitely something for me to work on. Thanks for the insight!

    January 14, 2018 at 5:33 am #186541
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Meander:

    You are welcome. When you doubt the validity of your own feelings/ emotions, you close yourself to necessary information. Other animals operate by instincts and emotions alone. Can you imagine an animal doubting its emotions?

    If an animal doubts its fear, it will not be able to protect itself from danger. If an animal doubts its anger, it will not be able to fight and defend itself or its territory.

    As a child it is scary to feel anger at one’s mother because we need her, for one, don’t want to scare her away with our anger. As an adult, you no longer physically need the mother, yet the fear stays the same.

    As you take on the long, difficult healing process, you will find that emotional validity, gradually.

    anita

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