Home→Forums→Relationships→grandma is angry with me?
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JayJay.
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April 7, 2019 at 7:36 am #287947
marthamsParticipantThat’s interesting, thank you for this explanation. I often think about it, because I can surely say she has been *usually* rude to us. rude, ignoring, she hates my dad, ignores me, doesn’t speak to my mom etc but once we had a minor car accident, nothing big, I was a child (8-9 maybe) and we saw her and she cried. It surprised me at that time, I knew even then that grandma was not a nice person so seeing her cry really surprised me. I thought something like “Wait, why does SHE care ??” It confused me, because being always rude and then showing emotions only when something happened, it didn’t add up. Anyway it’s not enough for me to believe she actually cares or *loves* us. I mean, I don’t know if she does or not, I have no knowledge of that, but I’m just saying it is not enough to convince me that she does. I see more proof that she doesn’t. (which she once stated by herself : “..but I don’t care about you/yours (home/place)”) You’re right about not calling, I know. It’s her choice, she doesn’t want to speak to use, and I can’t and don’t want to fix it. I also don’t enjoy being on “temporary good list” where currently my cousin is, also my aunt, and uncle. I feel like I care too much about this situation and grandma just goes on with her life. I wonder what she is thinking about it. Anyway great thanks for your help Anita, you have a great knowledge about people’s behavior and psychology. I’m very thankful.
April 7, 2019 at 7:49 am #287953
AnonymousGuestDear marthams:
You are welcome. As to your grandmother crying that time… you know how in cartoons, the bad character is always bad? In life, a bad person is not always bad.
As children we see the world in black and white, all or nothing, either this or that. So we think a bad person is always bad. Then we see a moment of love felt by that person and we get confused: well, maybe she is a good person after all!
No, it is not like this, all-or-nothing. All bad people start as good people, good babies/ young children. That good part never dies until the person dies. What happens to that good part is that in bad people it is locked away. So as an observer, you see that good child sometimes as it gets away from its locked room for a moment, but only for a moment, before she is back into her locked room. And what you have on an ongoing basis is the bad person that child has become.
Confusing?
anita
April 8, 2019 at 3:10 am #288019
JayJayParticipantI agree with what Anita says above.
I have two such people in my life, my sister and my mother. It doesn’t matter how much I do for either of them, nothing is ever rated – they are never thankful, never pleased.
I’m telling you now, you can carry on trying to please them for most of your life, and it won’t get any better. I’ve been trying for over 50 years. Nothing has changed… except me.
I no longer allow them to make me feel guilty. I no longer allow them to give me the silent treatment. I have withdrawn myself from their petty arguments and their blame shifting behaviour.
It took a long time for me to realise that, whatever I did it would make no difference whatsoever. So I maintain contact, but at a distance. That distance is within myself. I might see them physically three times a week, and I am polite and maintain light conversation, but that’s about as far as it goes now. Whatever cutting remarks they might make, I take no notice. They can say what they like about me, I simply don’t care any more. If it gets really bad, I just walk away. It works for me. I’m an adult, and I can choose to stay or go, it’s up to me, not them.
I needed to look after me, not be continually pandering to their wants and needs. If they were only friends and not family, they would not be in my world.
All you need to do is give yourself permission to not be treated like that anymore.
I hope by sharing my take on this it might give you some direction. Have a good life, and congratulations on getting your own home!
With best wishes
Jay
April 8, 2019 at 12:51 pm #288131marthamsParticipantHello JayJay, and Hello to you Anita
I read your reply yesterday and need to think it through. It is confusing but I can understand it so thank You, Anita. I made my peace with it. I will go on with my life without this person. Also I will remember this valuable advice for the future.
Jay, I am really glad you shared this with me. Only one thing, how would you feel about quitting contact with them instead of listening to their “remarks” sometimes? How about not listening to them ever again? I think that would be a really pleasant shift in your life. I’m just saying, I do not know your situation so please forgive me.
April 8, 2019 at 12:55 pm #288133AnonymousGuestDear marthams:
You are welcome. I have no doubt that your choice to “go on with (your) life without this person” is the correct choice. If in doubt again, please do post again and I will be glad to remind you that it is, indeed, the correct choice!
anita
April 9, 2019 at 3:15 am #288217JayJayParticipantHi Marthams,
I agree with Anita. It’s never easy cutting someone completely out of your life, and you might suffer some guilt for doing so, but if you can, do it. You only get one life, you know.
It’s very complicated for me to do that at the moment, but at some point in the not-to-distant future, I will be doing exactly the same thing.
Best wishes,
Jay
April 10, 2019 at 2:07 pm #288581marthamsParticipantBest wishes to you both, thank you Anita, best wishes to you Jay , I hope you will find the strength to follow your heart, I will pray that we both do; and I will repeat after you “You only get one life, you know”. Lots of love.
April 10, 2019 at 2:44 pm #288603AnonymousGuestYou are welcome, marthams and thank you for your good wishes!
anita
April 11, 2019 at 4:46 am #288665JayJayParticipantYou are welcome from me too, Marthams. Thank you also for your good wishes! 🙂
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