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Good first date but no second date

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  • January 26, 2023 at 7:26 am #414447
    William Shen
    Participant

    Hey y’all,

    I recently went out on a date with a girl and I thought it went wonderfully. We laughed and had great banter the entire time and our personalities were very similar. The day after though she said that she didn’t feel a click and that it wasn’t my fault and there would be no second date. Looking back she did drop hints that I should’ve made a move but in my mind that wouldn’t be a 100% dealbreaker. I understand that she doesn’t owe me anything nor will I ever know the exact reason as I can’t read her mind but I’m just hurt and confused and having trouble accepting the situation for what it is. Any advice is appreciated

    January 26, 2023 at 8:04 am #414459
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi William

    I’m sorry the dating process left you feeling hurt and confused. It sounds like you liked this woman and it was a surprise to you when she felt differently. Is it rare for you to find someone you feel compatible with when dating? I’m curious which part makes you feel hurt and confused?

    I think you should take her at face value that it wasn’t your fault. It sounds like she was being honest with you. Dating is very much a lottery and if people aren’t compatible it’s no one’s fault.

    January 26, 2023 at 8:40 am #414462
    William Shen
    Participant

    Hi Helcat

    I would say it’s not common for me to find someone in compatible with, but her personality and mine matched well so I thought that she could have been compatible. I think the part that made me hurt and confused was that in my own mind I thought the date went really well and she’d like to have a second since we were laughing the whole time and had good conversation. Furthermore she hinted at a second date as she was talking about a sushi place and said that she’d take me one day.

     

     

    January 26, 2023 at 8:48 am #414463
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear William  Shen:

    If the two of you met on an online dating site, it is common- in that context- to date more than one person at a unit of time. Here is a possible scenario: she dated another guy a few times, wasn’t sure about him, then she had a first date with you and had a wonderful time. Later that night, the other guy called her, they had a long conversation during which they got emotionally closer, and after that conversation, she felt too guilty to have a 2nd date with you.

    Is this a possibility, and if it is, how does it make you feel?

    anita

     

    January 26, 2023 at 8:51 am #414464
    William Shen
    Participant

    It’s possible as that seems to be the nature of online dating. I suppose I’d just feel disappointed as I thought I made a good first impression. I’d also feel that it would be unfair as she barely knows me, but I don’t feel any spite as that scenario is common in online dating and I’m able to understand it.

     

     

    January 26, 2023 at 8:56 am #414465
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear William Shen:

    Because numbers/ multiple dating/ competition is indeed the nature of online dating, to make online dating work for you, you have to not take it too personally Try to not have expectations, to not assume that there will be a 2nd date even if the first was wonderful, and to not get emotionally invested in any one woman, not before a committed relationship has been established. Does this sound reasonable to you?

    anita

    January 26, 2023 at 8:59 am #414466
    William Shen
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    That does make sense. I suppose my biggest problem is caring to much and being to invested even tho realistically there is no relationship. I emotionally atttch too easily

    January 26, 2023 at 9:02 am #414467
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear William Shen:

    I understand. How about taking steps to solve this problem (one step at a time, one day at a time), which you identified (“caring too much… emotionally attach too easily”)?

    anita

    January 26, 2023 at 9:07 am #414468
    William Shen
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    That seems like a good plan. I don’t understand how to even do those steps though. I understand the problem to a degree but I’m unsure of how to fix them

     

     

     

     

    January 26, 2023 at 9:15 am #414469
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear William Shen:

    The best place to start is in quality professional psychotherapy/ counseling. Here, in the context of self-help: that is, helping each other, in this non-professional setting, it may help if you share about how this over-attachment problem came to be (in your childhood, I gather). If you do, I will offer you my thoughts and probably share about my experiences in childhood that are similar to yours.

    anita

    January 26, 2023 at 9:42 am #414472
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi William

    That’s interesting that you pointed out that she discussed having a second date. It sounds like she was enjoying herself and was on a similar track to you initially.

    There’s always the possibility that her circumstances changed. Because you don’t know each other very well she may not wish to discuss it. There are many possible personal reasons why she may have changed her mind. I think that you can be confident that it was nothing to do with you.

    It’s a shame that things didn’t work out especially since it’s rarer for you to meet someone that you genuinely enjoy spending time with.

     

    January 26, 2023 at 9:56 am #414474
    William Shen
    Participant

    Dear anita.

    I would want to try therapy but it tends to be quite expensive and I’m a university student so it’s out of my budget. I think the problem is that I didn’t have a lot of intamacy as a child and my parents love always seemed conditional to me.

     

    January 26, 2023 at 9:58 am #414475
    William Shen
    Participant

    Dear Helcat

    I suppose that is true as we don’t really know each other that well. my problem is that it’s hard for me to accept it because I’m unable to rationalize it in my mind

    January 26, 2023 at 10:31 am #414479
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear William Shen:

    “the problem is that I didn’t have a lot of intimacy as a child and my parents love always seemed conditional to me”- I figure that this childhood experience growing up created a strong hunger for intimacy, did it?

    anita

    January 26, 2023 at 10:34 am #414480
    William Shen
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thats exactly what it is I have a craving for intimacy but this craving is causing suffering and I don’t know how to get rid of it.

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