Dear Dan:

“I’m having trouble understanding… we were seeing one another after the separation for a while and things were going well, but then she just stopped… I feel like I did something wrong, but I know I didn’t, but…”-

-I went back to the beginning of your thread, reading your posts, trying to understand her WHY. Some of the problems in the course of the relationship: “her son aged 10 started pulling away from me… our house got smaller and smaller with her and I both working from home… my wife needed some space… I do consider myself a bit clingy, needing reassurance… Then her mom moved in with us in January… I do believe that she wasn’t getting good sleep being next to me. I do snore quite loudly”.

A couple of months after you moved out and the separation commenced (end of January 2022), you emailed her in regard to an incredible settlement on the house that you generously gave her, she asked you to come over and she ran into your arms, rekindled the relationship during about 4 weekends when her kids were at their dad’s, and the two of you were alone in the house. She told you that she loved you and didn’t want to lose you. But at the closing of the part-time reunion month, “she said she needed a bit of space” and showed no interest in rekindling the relationship ever since.

It seems to me, Dan, that her WHY is that she fell out of love with you, a reason that almost always is involved with people ending relationships. Her loving feelings awakened for a month and then… gone again and hasn’t awakened since. The process of her losing the loving feelings for you was not a one-time event, but a process with ups and downs, and the down part has been consistent for more than 6 months so far, hasn’t it?

anita

Dear Dan:

I want to complete my last reply to you in the hope that it will be helpful: In your original post more than a month ago (Sept 16), you wrote: “We both love each other but I guess the timing is bad… I want to hold onto hope that maybe once the kids get a bit older then we could reunite. She even told me this. But for now we aren’t seeing one another and we haven’t been communicating and it’s been hard“- right from the beginning of your thread, you understood that the separation had a lot to do with her being a mother to two minor-age children from a previous relationship, and in your very first post, you established the fact that you love her very much and that you want to reunite with her.

Still in the quote above, you wrote that she loves you (“We love each other”). In the five pages of your thread,  there’s been a lot of analysis of the marriage and separation, including some analysis of your past and her past before you entered each other’s lives. Such analyses can be very helpful if and when the two of you did reunite (or in the context of a future relationship with another woman), but for now- as there is no evidence of a motivation on her part to reunite with you- such analyses, seems to me, are keeping you stuck heartbroken, overthinking and ruminating.

Your love and longing for her motivate you to want to get together and spend time with her. This is what feelings/ emotions are about: motivating us to take some action.  You repeatedly initiated contact with her and she turned you down. This means that she is not motivated to get together with you. It is possible that she secretly longs to be with you, experiencing loving feelings for you, but is not sharing them with you. But it is also possible that… she no longer experiences loving feelings for you. Her guilt (in regard to not being a good-enough mother to her children by having you in her life,  and in regard to not having been a good wife to you), may have “killed” her loving feelings to you because she associates guilt with you, and therefore: No Dan (in her life) = No Guilt. From personal experience, guilt chases loving feelings away like nothing else.

Coming to think about it, maybe you can check with her if the above is true. If it is true for her, then she may feel a relief from her guilt by knowing that you understand her love vs guilt conflict, and if there still is love underneath her guilt, that love may rise to the surface once again. Initiating a direct communication on the topic of her guilt may be a step forward:  either toward a reunion or toward giving up your hope for a reunion. I wish you peace of mind today and every day as you move forward.

anita

Dear Dan,

I think you would need to accept that for now, she isn’t accessible because her life situation hasn’t really changed since your separation: her children haven’t grown up and they haven’t suddenly changed their mind about you. She still feels guilty for being with you, and as anita said, by not having you in her life, she is at least relieved from some of that guilt.

I am sure that she feels guilty even now, trying to be a “perfect” mother and please everyone. But at least she doesn’t need to please you in addition to pleasing her children, and she doesn’t need to be guilt-tripped by her children for seeing you. So two sources of guilt are gone, which makes her life a little easier. (Just to clarify: I think she felt a responsibility to please you too, because when she asked for separation, she said that she can’t be the woman you deserve. That wording shows that she felt guilty for not being able to please you and fulfill your expectations.)

She as a person would have to do a lot of work on herself  – specially on her people pleasing tendencies – to really be free from guilt and be able to have healthy relationships (including a healthy relationship with you). Right now it’s not possible, and it won’t be possible for a long long time, unless she decides to work on herself.

So you would need to accept that she – being a person plagued by guilt – will likely not want to get back together with you. She might do so for a short while, but her guilt would return very soon, and she would ask for “space” again.

I am noticing two tendencies in you: one is to try to move on and work on yourself (e.g. you asked to know more about self-parenting), and the other is falling into despair and trying to soothe your pain with substances (“I’ve also been sabotaging myself a bit with drinking and stuff. Im having a hard time. I know what I need to do I just can’t get started and would rather drown my pain.)

A third part of you is hoping that she might decide to reunite sometime in the future (I’m hoping that perhaps at some point down the road we may reunite.)

I think it would help you at this point to accept that this reunion – if nothing changes in her life or in her personality – will likely not happen. The sooner you accept it, the easier it will be. I know it’s hard, because the inner child in you – who needs her so much – is hoping for a miracle. Your inner child is hoping that some day things will change and she will take you back. That she will at least want to spend the weekends with you, and meet your unmet childhood needs (to be cherished, valued, to be nurtured, held in her arms, etc).

Your wounded inner child is looking for a magical solution for his pain…. but unfortunately, Dan, it won’t happen. You need to take your inner child into your own arms and hold him, figuratively speaking. You are your own savior. She isn’t. No one else is.

I do hope that slowly but surely, you will accept this reality. It’s not easy because there are no magical solutions, but it’s the only way. There is a saying: “No one said it will be easy, but it will be worth it.” I think this applies perfectly to your situation… It will be worth it, Dan, to finally start healing those childhood wounds that make your life miserable in the present. The fact that you are in therapy is great.. Keep at it, and let’s keep our conversation here too, if you find it helpful.

Dear Dan,

how have you been?

I would like to comment on something that you’ve said recently. You said you feel terrible for not having suggested to bring your wife’s children to those mini vacations:

I look back now and see that maybe I should have suggested bringing the kids. I know kids can sense these things and although it wasn’t my intent at all to make them feel excluded, I can see how that may have happened. I feel terrible for that. … I feel so bad as I love the kids, but I’m not their dad and I can see how negative thoughts or beliefs can arise.

Please don’t blame yourself. First, you were in a tough situation, your wife’s children spending almost all of the time with you, being closed in one place 24/7. They didn’t go to school, you worked from home, so it was literally 24/7 with them. It was only natural that you needed a break. Wanting to have some time off in a situation like that doesn’t make you a bad stepfather.

And secondly, even if you did show some impatience sometimes, hoping that your wife would give you more attention – it was because of ONE part of you: your wounded inner child. You were otherwise a good stepfather and a good husband. You said you helped your wife a lot with the children, and you also gave her a great settlement, leaving the house to her and her children. This shows you are a good, kind, generous man. Your neediness didn’t show in the financial aspect – you generously provided for your wife and stepchildren.

So please don’t be so hard on yourself. And have compassion for yourself, specially for that needy part which might have caused you to behave less than optimally. That needy part went through a lot as a young child… He doesn’t need your judgment, but your empathy and understanding. I hope you can realize that…

Dear Dan,

you are welcome, and I meant what I said: you are a good man, and you deserve to be loved and appreciated. The fact that she isn’t showing you that at the moment doesn’t mean you don’t deserve it. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Please know that!

I’ve always been hard on myself. A lot of negative self talk.

And this negative self-talk probably started long before you’ve met her, right?

I know how the inner critic can make our lives miserable, how unworthy we can feel because of it. And then when we suffer a blow like this – when the person we love abandons us – it only confirms the horrible stuff we’ve been telling ourselves: that indeed we’re a nobody, that we are unlovable, that nobody will ever want us.

But that’s not true, of course. It’s just a story, a narrative that we’ve been telling ourselves for many many years. It’s a lie, but we live our lives as if it were true.

It was my birthday last week and there was no happy birthday text which kinda hurt.

I can imagine it hurt, and I think not just because she didn’t bother to congratulate, but also because it “confirmed” again what your inner critic has been telling you: that you are unworthy and unlovable. You might have interpreted her lack of happy birthday text as another rejection, and perhaps not just a rejection of you as her romantic partner, but also rejection of you as a person. And it hurts bad… Am I right in thinking that?

Maybe it would be too hard for either of us to be in contact with one another, at least that’s what I tell myself as to why she stopped all communication.

Yes, very likely. She knows she cannot promise you anything and she doesn’t want to string you along, like rekindle the relationship and then put it on ice again…. as she has done already this spring. She doesn’t want that. And she probably can’t do the casual “let’s stay friends” type of thing, because it’s hard to stay friends with so many conflicted feelings. So she figures it’s better not to write at all.

But that doesn’t mean that she thinks you are an unworthy and unlovable person, who doesn’t deserve a birthday greeting. And even if she thought that – which I highly doubt – you ARE NOT an unworthy and unlovable person. Your birthday should be celebrated, and you should celebrate it too because you are a gift to the world! You are special and unique, like each of us is, and you should celebrate your birthday. And you should surround yourself with people who will celebrate you and your birthday!

I do wish you a happy belated birthday, dear Dan! I hope you can see your own worth, diminish the voice of the inner critic, and write another story of your life.