Dear arguseyed,

Thats a lot of pressure to take on actually. I come from a culture of arranged marriages too and i understand what you mean. A friend of mine was actually rejected like 8 times (due to height, looks) and she was pretty hurt by the process. Eventually, she married her elder sister’s friend only. Though he was a bit older than her, she was comfortable with him and he accepted her for who she was.

I think thats the problem here – you are constantly battling rejection and no one is giving you a chance to be yourself really. You’re right. The compassion is lacking here actually and I am so sorry its coming from your family. Sometimes tradition seems to go over basic understanding. No wonder you’re in pain, so much pain.

In case you’re from India and need someone to talk to professionally on a lower rate, anonymous scale to find some support for this – do consider this site: http://www.healtheminds.com/ or for a free chat, try https://yourdost.com/ or even 7cups on days you feel super down, anxious and need virtual support. I have noticed that helps people with phone/meeting anxiety a lot.

If you need to talk, do write to me at ninsakura23@gmail.com

Nina

Dear arguseyed:

I believe that all you need is ONE person outside of you, one person that will show you compassion and acceptance, one person with whom you can rest from the turmoil of rejection and self criticism. Keep an eye open for just one such person. This one person is not your father or your mother, obviously. It must be someone else. I hope you find or come across such person and breathe in, take in, for the first time in your life, I suppose, the comfort, the peace that comes from being consistently, reliably, uninterruptedly accepted, liked, cared for by one person. That is all it takes.

anita

Dear arguseyed:

I like your comment to me: “I think I need to be that person myself.”

The description of “that person” from my comment to you: “one person that will show you compassion and acceptance, one person with whom you can rest from the turmoil of rejection and self criticism…(and know) the peace that comes from being consistently, reliably, uninterruptedly accepted, liked, cared for.”

Best to you, take care:

anita

Dear Divya,

My name is Rajasimha a.k.a LionKing and I completely understand your emotional pain because I have been facing challenge after challenge on all fronts of my life over the last 26 years. My personal life has been a wreck more so after my divorce eight years back. Does it mean my life is over or I have made mistakes? Not at all… there is no such thing as mistakes in life only corrections…why don’t you look at each date as a meeting with a stranger? Someone you bump into in a bus, train or aircraft during work or pleasure. You spoke for a while, had a laugh and went your separate ways. This way you tend to become more objective and and cause less pain to yourself. Do not let these trifles upset the quality of your life or your mental state.

Remember, nothing is worth it at the end of the day. Imagine being single has so many advantages such as freedom, less luggage, uninhibited travel, doing things that you like and so much more. We are all lonely even if we have a partner, wife or friend. Sing aloud if you feel like talking… take a walk and strike a conversation with someone unknown to you or exercise..

Feel free to write to me.. i will help in whatever way I can..

Raj

“It felt like they rejected my rejecting. It felt like they wanted to keep me small. Oh my goodness, I rejected a guy, who did I think I was, the Queen??”

OMG Inky this is so accurate. So many parents treat their daughters this way, it’s a shame.

As a matter of fact I AM a Queen! And my husband will be my King, and we will treat each other with the respect and reverence we deserve.

arguseyed – just to let you know, over 30 is NOT a death knell for marriage in India. My whole family had given up on my older cousin for being picky and old… and she found a match/husband at 38! She’s very happy she held out for the right man.

Dear Divya:

You wrote in your original post above: ” I have never received an environment from my family or friends where I could feel I was worthy and I don’t feel it within myself either.” Later you wrote about needing to be emotionally independent, that all you need is for you to show compassion to you.

Notice this: you were emotionally independent all along, that is, ON YOUR OWN, alone in the context of your family. You were not inter-dependent with them. You were very much on your own, independent. That did NOT work out and never does because a child needs that inter-dependence, needs compassion from another, from a parent.

If a child could produce his or her own compassion as a child, not needing it from a parent, well, the world would have been a much better place. The child has NO CHOICE but to receive compassion from a parent, a care taker. Otherwise, there is none. As an adult, you still can’t produce it. You have to interact with others. We are social beings, our interactions is a crucial part of who we are.

So you have to get compassion from another or others. Your family are not on your side, never have been. I wish you could or would physically distant yourself from them. that you would go to therapy if available, get the compassion of a good therapist and choose people in your life who will.

anita