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I’ve been dating a 45yo woman for 11 months who I absolutely am crazy about. I adore this woman and really would like to grow old with her, I am ten yrs older and could provide ample financial security for both of us.
She is russian having come to the US in her early 20s as a student. We have been discussing living together and possibly more but there is baggage and a mine field of issues ranging from my trust issues to her depression/secrecy.
She divorced in 2011. The catalyst for the divorce, the reason, she says was her mother. She brought her mother over from russia and moved her in and the marriage went south quickly. The mother is overbearing uneducated and emotionally abusive. I see clearly how the mother could have caused big issues.
In the first few months of dating, I asked her if she still had feelings for her ex. She emphatically stated no. Given that momma was the reason for the divorce and not their relationship per se I wanted to be sure before investing my emotions.
She has a 14yo son who plays sports. And I found out last Fall that she attends his games with the ex. Sometimes they would even drive together to the games due to distance. I don’t like this but accepted as we had only been dating a few months.
Now Spring and the games have begun again. She is committed to going to every game, THU night she told me her ex-mother in law is attending the games too–she’s sitting with her ex and his mother at these games. this makes me very uncomfortable, she clearly still has an emotional connection–she tells me she always wanted to have a family and thats why she likes being in the stands with her ‘former’ family. she describes how the ex knows all these parents and how fun it is to chat with them, catch up, old friends, etc.
The obvious question is what am I not attending? Well… she has never asked me. I believe she wants this part of her life (there are others) to be neatly tucked away from me.
I don’t want to continue down the serious committed relationship path because I don’t believe a relationship can survive with these realities. I don’t want to say you cant sit with your ex husband but the question is why does she want to? And how can I reconcile this? This is a deal breaker for me. Any assist is much appreciated.
Thanks Anita. I have met her son, see him weekly and her mother who she is mostly estranged from… I have not met the ex, he’s early 40s, former jock and i am 10+ yrs older than him. deal breaker meaning I’ll be unwilling to have her move in with me and someday be my wife
Hello Chris Joss,
I have not read all of the responses. After reading your initial post, my concern is that she has not asked you to join her in going to her son’s sporting events and that she was not open about attending the games with her ex. That she wants to attend these games with her ex and her ex-mother-in-law (EMIL) could mean any number of things. She might want to make things comfortable for her son. She might want to connect with her ex and EMIL for the sake of her son, and nothing more. She might genuinely like both of them, but have no romantic feelings toward the ex.
Her secrecy surrounding this is what concerns me, but you can’t know the situation unless you talk about it with your girlfriend. The more you hear from her, the more you will know how to move forward.
Pay attention to how she responds to you asking about the situation. Is she hesitant in her answers? Is she reassuring? Does she hedge when asked about it? Do her words match her actions?
Airene
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