Dear Blazkowich:

(I am adding the boldface selectively into the quotes): “my brain is… looking for answers on what I could’ve changed or try to in future… I am just so exhausted and yet I cannot sleep”-

– I started my first reply to you back on Jan 6 with The Serenity Prayer: “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference“. Your brain will get its much needed rest and sleep when you put the serenity prayer into practice.

“A huge part of me wants her back and a part of me is telling me she isn’t worth it“- she is not worth the suffering you are going through. Plus, your suffering is not helping you, nor is it helping her.

“How can I not give up on love when I got rejected for the same cause that my love was burdening? I hear my friends say it’s because I loved her that much she lost interest or something along the lines”-

– I found the quote I was looking for yesterday, it’s in your original post, and I think it may have the answer you are looking for. Here it is, in her words (the boldfaced): “It started a month ago when she asked for space again and I gave it to her and one day she said she’s unable to handle the relationship, and she feels like this cold evil person who is unable to reciprocate any love“-

-it may be that it is not that you burdened her with your loving attention, but that she has a difficult relationship with her mother or father where either one is guilt tripping her about all that they do for her and how ungrateful (a “cold evil person“) she is, and it’s understandably a burden for her. When you enter the picture, from one point on,  she projected that parent into you. It is very common that people do that (projecting a parent into a romantic partner or a romantic interest), very common.

I hope to read soon that you rested and got a good night sleep!

anita

Dear Blazkowich:

Did she tell you anything else about her father, or mother, about her relationships with her parents?

anita

Dear Blazkowich:

It is common to inaccurately project one’s parent into a romantic partner. I suppose you reminded her of her father in some way (could be something as simple as the sound of your voice, or your use of a certain word that he often uses), and that was enough for her to project her father’s aggression into you.

You shared before that you didn’t push your efforts to help her, that you gave her all the space that she needed, that you were gentle, kind and patient with her… so, no aggression on your part, right?

anita

Dear Blazkowich:

“I’ll soon contact her (maybe for the last time) and give it another go but I’ll make it clear that I would want a healthy relationship where communication is the key. I know she’ll refuse but I’ll ask anyway so in future when I look back I can tell myself that I didn’t give up“- I wish you wouldn’t contact her, but it’s not my choice to make. If you contact her, let me know what happens, will you?

“I want to move on and detach myself from her… I can’t waste my time on a person who…  treats me like I am bothering them“- I am all for this part of your intent and plan!

“At the end of the day I am not some omnipotent being who’s showering someone with unconditional love and support, I have my own feelings too“- very intelligently articulated, a mature and wise attitude.

“The only thing which is making me not move-on are the plans we made, the promises, her smile and her voice“- emotional attachment to her, that is. Once you are finally determined to move on, this attachment will weaken.

anita

Thank you, Blazkowich. I will be looking for your update, and wishing you well.

anita

Dear Blazkowich:

My goodness, what an update! I guess it’s a good thing that you did contact her because the exchange with her overwrote her image in your head, like you said it did. Her clarity is helpful because it leaves no doubt in one’s mind where her interest is not.

“I have decided to just move on and find a better partner in future who actually knows how to treat me“- I am so glad to read that this is your resolve, and indeed it’s your best bet in finding the love that you need.

Almost every person by the time he/ she is a teenager, has been rejected by a romantic love interest. It hurts when this happens, but almost every single person experiences it. You will overcome the pain and you will find love elsewhere.

I am excited about the idea that some day in the future, I will be reading from you about the time when you will experience (like a song I know says) to love and be loved in return. Of course, you are welcome to post anytime before it happens, and I will be glad to read from you and reply.

anita

Dear Blazkowich:

“I am kinda afraid of loving too much now, because she once told me she was in a toxic relationship for 4 years, I sometimes reflect am I that bad that a toxic relationship lasted for 4 years but mine where I was always supportive lasted hardly 4 months? I am afraid of loving anymore“- don’t make lifetime decisions (ex., to not love anyone anymore) based a few words that she (or anyone) tells you. If she told you: I was in a toxic relationship for 4 years, that’s 9 words that leave a lot of questions unanswered: what does “toxic” mean to her? What was the nature of the relationship: did she ever meet him, was there ever a date.. etc. Was there a relationship at all (did she lie)?

“If I pulled away the first time she told me she wanted space, at least she would’ve known my value…Did I do too much to drive her away or make her value me less?“- the only thing I can figure is that you didn’t pull away from her completely when she wanted space.

How are you, Blazkowich, sleeping any better???

anita