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Getting older and all of my friends are too busy

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  • July 22, 2018 at 5:06 pm #218161
    dreaming715
    Participant

    I’m a 29-year-old female and I don’t see or talk to my friends often anymore because they’re so busy. I have 4 close friends and we’ve been friends for years, but it’s getting to the point where getting them to hangout or talk without doing all of the initiating feels like pulling teeth. I work with a counselor and I don’t think it’s “me,” like it’s not personal, they just don’t feel the need to interact with friends unless it seems to be a special occasion.

    This has been on my mind for a long time now and I’m starting to notice that when I’m making all of the effort then I start thinking “What’s the point?” and I start to emotionally withdraw.

    I get it… we’re at the age where we’re busy with work, busy with getting married, busy with being new home owners, and one who is busy with kids… but apparently none of them think “It would be nice to just hangout with a girlfriend and grab brunch on a Sunday.” I feel like those days are long gone and maybe it’s time for me to move on in a sense.

    I have an extremely loving boyfriend who loves to go out and do things and we’re planning on getting a puppy this fall. I think the puppy will really help ease the loneliness.

    Honestly, hitting 30 is a tricky age because for me it feels like all your old friends are too busy and making new friends is super hard because they’re all too busy too and then you can’t create a long lasting “friendship bond” as easily.

    I guess this is more of a rant. My counselor said to join a group that meets regularly (like a yoga class or book club) and getting a pet will also be helpful.

    Can anyone else relate?

    July 31, 2018 at 3:35 pm #219757
    thirst_of_validation
    Participant

    Hi dreaming715,

    Yes I can totally relate to these feelings, been there and still there, these thoughts do bother me at times but I just get myself busy to overcome them atleast for a period of time.

    My analysis is we have an emotional attachment towards our close friends, friends, acquaintances and even things we do on a day to day basis. It is not wrong to expect an initiation after you have been sincerely doing your part. From my experiences I can say that it does not matter to many, people don’t care about your feelings, their other chores and lifestyle becomes a priority, your availability care and affection is taken for granted and speaking up to them since being close friends hurts more because it does not end your turmoil.

    I do understand all you expect is a little casual time once in a while but it costs you too much, I have walked away from such friendships because I did not want to hurt myself anymore.

    Something I learned from my husband is to initiate less but respond well when someone initiates contact or is willing to meet you etc.

    I agree with your counselor to join a group with common interests and just get involved in group activities that would make you happy not for friendships as such but for your own inner happiness, I am starting to find friendships like love if they are meant to be there they will stick around 🙂

    I am glad to have found you on this forum and hope I was able to soothe your worried mind atleast a little bit.

     

    Thank you.

    July 31, 2018 at 8:23 pm #219791
    Prash
    Participant

    Hi dreaming715,

    I went though that phase a few years back. Initially I used to tell myself – expectations lead to disappointment so no expectations no disappointments. This led to a prolonged period of emotional withdrawal resulting in effectively no progress. But this was the phase I was with myself so I can’t say it was a loss as a good deal of learning about myself took place.

    But getting back to the situation, I totally relate to what Neha says about responding well and that is also my current approach now. In addition I keep in touch with my old friends just letting them know that I am there for them if they need me at the same time, balancing my expectations. I have a wonderful family and I devote myself in that role. But yes friends are missed and when they do find the time I try to live and enjoy the experience without holding on to what we had in the past.

    August 12, 2018 at 10:36 pm #221263
    dreaming715
    Participant

    Thank you for the responses! My main take-away was “Something I learned from my husband is to initiate less but respond well when someone initiates contact or is willing to meet you etc.”

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