Getting back with an Ex

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This topic has 46 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 10 months ago by Anonymous.

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January 22, 2019 at 8:19 am #276105

Anonymous
Guest

Dear grounded:

You are welcome.

He texted you Thursday: “You were right about dating sites. stupid. deleted them all”, and you didn’t respond to him Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon., correct?

And he didn’t text you anything since?

anita

January 22, 2019 at 10:59 am #276191

grounded
Participant

Hi,

Correct. and Correct again. I talked to him on Monday Jan 7th about being exclusive and about the dating sites and then got that message on Thursday 17th close to midnight. He kind of sent some messages in between but I didn’t answer really, I don’t think he’s fully figured things out yet

January 22, 2019 at 11:07 am #276195

Anonymous
Guest

Dear grounded:

Reads like it, that he hasn’t “fully figured things out yet”. In that message he sent you about deleting dating sites, he didn’t indicate that he is no longer interesting in dating other women. He may have deleted dating sites, but maybe he will be trying meetup groups to meet women, or some other way. And he definitely didn’t indicate that he is interested in dating you exclusively.

I think it is wise of you to not respond and let him figure things out.

anita

February 4, 2019 at 8:52 am #278581

grounded
Participant

Hi,

I go back and forth between being angry at my ex for how he is treating me / how he is behaving (and i know i’m just putting myself in victim mode) and wanting to hear from him and being hopeful. I know that I deserve someone who wants to be with me, and I don’t know what he wants (maybe two weeks of silence means he’s a) respecting my space or b)moved on and doesn’t want me).

I started typing out a message to him yesterday, but then deleted it before sending it. I guess he saw it and sent a message. I haven’t opened it yet since he can see when I have read it and i’m not sure what to say or what I want.

I feel neglected by the group of friends, they do invite me to things, but the dynamic is different, even though i am isolating myself as i have not attended events because I do not want to see my ex. I know that I should just go and who cares if he is there, but it’s not that easy and i’m not sure if its worth it. I feel cheated on like they have won him and i lost him and i’m mad and angry, jealous and sad often.

I’m feeling so confused in myself that i’m not sure what to do. Be friendly? Block and Delete him and make it awkward? Ignore him? Try to be in his life again? I’m afraid.

February 4, 2019 at 9:36 am #278599

Anonymous
Guest

Dear grounded:

You wrote: “I don’t know what he wants”. I don’t think he knows what he wants either because you shared on another thread: “He didn’t have a job for almost a year, he just got employed in November but hates his job, he applied for the military but isn’t sure what he wants to do… he’s figuring out his life and what he wants”-

This means he can’t make future plans with you, can’t commit to you or to any other woman. He is on dating sites and hooked up with you twice or so after the breakup, last time was New Year, so he is interested in sex and some fun and dating, but he doesn’t have plans. He is considering options, probably is under great stress having to choose, not knowing what to do.

I figure best thing you can do is to give up and let go of the idea of resuming a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship with him, don’t you think?

anita

February 4, 2019 at 12:23 pm #278635

grounded
Participant

Hi Anita,

I think so, i just keep getting hurt in the process. I’m not sure what giving up and letting go of the idea of resuming a partnership with him looks like or how to do it. I feel like I am losing my sense of belonging and my friend group as well as losing him because I don’t feel strong enough to see him and know that he doesn’t want me/ can’t be with me so I have not been attending group events. I think i have accepted that RIGHT NOW he’s not able to, but i keep hoping in the future maybe who knows so I don’t want to delete him from social media and erase my existence from the friend group. How do I give up and let go of the idea of being together with him?

February 5, 2019 at 7:16 am #278723

Anonymous
Guest

Dear grounded:

Losing a friend group is unfortunately what often happens when a romantic relationship with one member in the group ends.

“How do I give up and let go of the idea of being together with him?”-

-by being grounded in reality, like your name suggests, being grounded. For as long as you are floating above ground in bubbles of Fantasy, you are not grounded in Reality.

I can try to help you with the How through a back and forth communication with you. If you are interested, let’s start: tell me about the Fantasy, what wishful thoughts and very pleasant feelings are in experiencing when you find yourself floating in a bubble of Fantasy?

anita

February 5, 2019 at 7:39 am #278729

grounded
Participant

To be honest, i’m not experiencing many pleasant feelings. I mostly am experiencing anxiety and wanting to communicate/ see what he is up to and hear about him and get to know him again. It feels weird to have entire days/weeks go by with nothing. I interpret communication to group messages as being meant for me / a way to communicate with me. Creating new things in life, for example changing jobs and not telling him or not having him know is super weird and uncomfortable

If I am in a fantasy, it’s still anxiety feelings because it’s me wanting to hear from him, seeing him light up my phone, take me on a date and tell me that he wants to be with me.

February 5, 2019 at 8:34 am #278751

Anonymous
Guest

Dear grounded:

The Fantasy is what you were hoping for, with him, how you saw your future with him. It is that imagining that is fueling your attachment to him, feeding your “wanting to hear from him”.

Do you want to elaborate on that imagining, how you saw the future with him?

anita

February 5, 2019 at 8:43 am #278755

grounded
Participant

I wasn’t really able to “picture” a future with him since his future is undefined. I just pictured us being together and supporting each-other no matter what happened. Sometimes i picture him joining the military and me moving and being there with him, but i don’t know if he’s joined the military or not. I just pictured us living together like we were, doing fun activities together and spending time together, going on holidays, essentially keep doing what we were doing.

February 5, 2019 at 9:22 am #278767

Anonymous
Guest

Dear grounded:

Is this ex boyfriend the same guy about which you wrote on your thread March 2017:

“I am still waiting for him to come back even though I know that he won’t. I am waiting for the happiness that he made me feel and to be happy like I was in the past (when I was with him). I can’t remember a time before him when I was happy and when I ask myself what do I really want, I can’t come up with any answers”-

or is he a different guy?

anita

February 5, 2019 at 11:05 am #278793

grounded
Participant

A different guy. I was not dating anyone in March 2017. My last relationship before this one ended in january (ish) 2016. But I know that i can move on and i can get past this because i’ve been through it before. Although this situation feels different, especially because we have mutual friends and is on my social media and stuff regardless of if i want him to be or not due to the mutual friends (all our friends essentially).

February 5, 2019 at 11:11 am #278797

grounded
Participant

I just went and had a look at my post and I remember now why I posted it. I was feeling stuck and unhappy in life and the last time i could remember being happy was with that guy and was wondering if it was worth taking the Tiny Buddha course to help me move forward in life and break some barriers. I did not want the relationship back, i just wanted to be happy and seeing him with another girl hurt a little that he had moved on faster. I no longer feel that way, i can be happy on my own without a guy. I am happy without a guy, yes there are hard days and yes i miss him, but i do smile and laugh and enjoy the little things in my life and i know what i want in life (at least in my relationships) and i know that I can’t get back together with my ex unless he has figured things out and he is investing and putting in effort. It’s just sad that it’s not happening for me right now.

February 5, 2019 at 11:46 am #278799

Mark
Participant

grounded,

You can be happy without a guy. Good for you! Revel in that feeling. Prolong that experience. Take it in. Yes, smile and laugh. And smile and laugh some more. Note that in your gratitude journal.

I believe the more one dwells on what we don’t have, the more miserable we become.

Mark

February 5, 2019 at 11:54 am #278803

Anonymous
Guest

Dear grounded:

What I find true to many people is the following, and I will express it as a situation for a woman, not specifically you or me, but a woman, in theory for the moment, let me know if this speaks to you:

she is in her 20s, or 30s, or older. She is lonely and sad. There is a despair about her, some sort of hopelessness. But it is not new, it’s been so every since she was a child. Not all the time, but a lot. An experience of being alone. As a woman she feels the same as she did then and she falls in love with this guy or that guy, daydreams of being together happily-ever-after.

Never again Alone.

There is a gap between fantasy and reality. In reality, a relationship with a man cannot bring a happily-ever-after together kind of feeling, there is together, and there is alone, and we are sad sometimes in the relationship, and sometimes he is sad, and distressed, and we have to endure these things because life is not a fairytale. Fairytales are about Fantasy and daydreaming, they make us feel good but expecting to live those, that brings us misery and we do find ourselves alone.

What do you think?

anita
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