Dear Simon:

Welcome back to the forums! We first communicated back in Feb 22, 2022, in your 1st thread What’s my purpose, who am I? On Oct 2, 2023, page 4 of your 1st thread, I submitted a summary post for you, putting together all the information you shared in the 4 pages. You didn’t respond to the contents of my summary post.

Would you like to respond to that post at this time, to let me know if you agree or disagree with different parts of my summary: it will help me better reply to your today’s post, in this 2nd thread.

anita

Dear Simon:

“I’m in a pretty poor state of mind currently completely burnt out with stress from every corner of my life (May 30, 2024)”- as I re-read this sentence today, I thought to myself that you may be too stressed and burned out to read the post that I submitted to you back in Oct 2, 2023.

Here is a summary of that post, a summary of what you shared back in Feb 2022: you were close to 50 years old, married and a father of five (3 different mothers), owning your own home and your own business (a very busy cafe where you were the chef), but you have been depressed and feeling lonely for more than 30 years. You shared that if one was to see you, one would see a “successful father, husband, good guy“, but it was a false image, and you didn’t know how “to keep the pretense going“.

“My wife tells me I behave awfully as I swear at her and belittle her at work. I really don’t mean to, I have mental health issues, and I am so worried our business will fail. I feel I am… the one holding it all together. I worry so much I lash out with (words) and everyone suffers…  I feel so bad about my behaviour, but it’s like I have Tourette’s with the insults, it happens so fast. I have  obsessive compulsive personality disorder for which I am taking medication, and receiving therapy. I don’t see it absolves me at all, the fear of losing control is so overwhelming I abuse everyone I hate myself”.

You shared that you noticed that you were troubled around 18 years of age (more than 30 years ago) when you had your first serious girlfriend: you didn’t trust her, but the relationship ended- not because of her infidelity- but because of yours. You shared about your parents’ breakup, that it was due to your mother’s infidelity. You remember “extreme shouting and swearing” between your parents, which “sounded pretty violent“. They were out a lot at nights, and extended family members looked after you and your siblings.

You shared that you rushed into every situation in your life (“I rushed into every situation that I have found myself in“) with massive consequences to yourself and to others, such  that you feel very guilty about. The reason you rushed: “To not be alone… I’m just too afraid to be alone“, that you were afraid to be left alone since you were a child: “lying in bed next to my sister as a child in the dark, wanting someone to talk to. That’s been the story of my life“. I asked you at the time, if you had someone to talk to, what would you say, and you answered: “I’d say please don’t leave me“.

Fast forward 2 years and 3 months, you shared yesterday that you are “in a pretty poor state of mind“, “burnt out with stress from every corner of my life. Business, relationship, finances, a completely spent force running on less than fumes”.

You ended your short original post yesterday with: “I have lived a very full on life since I was 18 years old with lots of life’s experiences I seem to have had everything I wished for and lived all of my dreams… I need to change my habits… Maybe you’d all have some ideas for me.“-

– Yes, I have an idea for you: just like you said yesterday (the quote right above), you need to change some of your habits, particularly The Rushing Habit. You need to slow down the emotions rushing through you, the thoughts rushing through your mind, the words rushing through your mouth.

You wrote yesterday that you lived “a very full life“- your life has been full with activity and with some business and financial success, but it’s also been very full with rushing and stress. You wrote yesterday that you seem to have had everything you wished for, that you lived all your dreams, but seems to me that your wish for and dream of a quiet mind and heart is yet to be had.

I am adding below about different religions’ input about rushing, stress and peace of mind for your sake, Simon, for mine, and for anyone who tends to rush, and may be reading this (if because of the copying and pasting, the following will be full of excess print, I will re-submit it for clarity):

faith up. com/ what does the bible say about rushing: “Rushing through life is something many of us can relate to. We live in a fast-paced world where everything seems urgent, but what does the Bible say about always being in a hurry? Let’s dive into Scripture to find some answers. One key verse that speaks to the issue of rushing is Proverbs 19:2 (NIV), which warns us, ‘Desire without knowledge is not good—how much more will hasty feet miss the way!’ This proverb tells us that moving too quickly, without proper knowledge or preparation, can lead us astray. It’s a clear caution against the dangers of rushing through decisions or actions without thoughtful consideration. Similarly, Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 reminds us there is ‘a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.’ This passage encourages us to recognize the importance of timing. There’s a time to move quickly, yes, but there’s also a time to slow down and reflect”.

(ihsan alexander. com/ hadith haste is from shaytan: “When we live lives of haste and rush, we increase the stress burden upon our psyches and also upon our bodies. This then results in both psychological as well as physical imbalances and diseases. Yet when we learn to live from a place of calm and presence, we increase the level of peace, harmony and tranquility we experience in our lives. Consequently, our health becomes more vibrant and vital, we actually become more successful and effective as a result of a clear and focused mind, and even our personal relationships improve and attain greater levels of health and wellbeing. Calm is from God, and haste is from Shaytan— Prophet Muhammad…

“The Divine Presence of God can only be experienced through deep inner stillness and surrender. When we live in a state of haste and rush, we further disconnect ourselves from the Divine Presence of our Lord and Sustainer, and so we become disconnected from Peace, Light, Love, Abundance and Joy”.

medium. com/ why I am not in a hurry and you shouldn’t be either: “In today’s fast-paced world, you often find yourself in a hurry in the hope of achieving quick results… Have you noticed how less of a human you are when you are in a rush? How you could flip off another driver in traffic? How you could brush off your mom on the call? Or snub at your son with the words, ‘Not now, Daddy is in a hurry.’…

“Being in a hurry is not solely a visible action. It is an internal state that comes from the human desire to speed up time in the hope of achieving the result faster. We may also say, it is an internal aggression toward time. In Buddhism, being in a hurry is generally seen as a state of mind that arises from attachment, craving, and a lack of mindfulness. Buddhism teaches that hastiness leads to suffering and a loss of presence in the present moment…  People who speed up time drastically lower their energy levels and start getting chronic fatigue and sick… (causing) accelerated aging…

“A rushing person never controls the situation... the one who rushes is the one who is late. Now after reading all the above, you are probably thinking, ok great what shall I do?! “Smile, breathe, and go slowly.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh. The truth is if you stop rushing, you are far more likely (to) do everything on time! Yep, that’s a contradiction. Rushing and being late are two sides of the same coin. You can’t have one without the other…  You must let go of rushing, internally as well as externally. It’s as much a mindset as a behavior that you are letting go of”.

– End of Quotes from online sources.

anita

You are welcome, Simon. Good to read back from you. Take all the time that you need to reply further (no rushing..).

anita

Dear Simon

You do not need to travel far there as many buddhist centres in the UK (that is if you are still living there)  a lot of them do guided weekend & week long retreats there you should hopefully meet people who too are looking for something beyond a trivial & shallow way of life. Remember that where ever you go, there you are. So are you running away from something? or are you wanting to grow & cultivate your wisdom & compassion?

For the last 50 plus years humanity has been bombarded with advertising and education that pushes the individualism over the community & environment so no wonder a large section feels disconnected & dissatisfied. Volunteering & being out in nature should help you start to reconnect with your  inner peace & vitality.

You have tendencies of dismissing yourself as well as other things. You believe that you are not good at what you do because you are not trained. Yet, were a barber for 20 years. And you are a chef now. You have always had customers willing to pay money for your services. I bet that you have even undervalued what you do. A haircut can make people feel special. It can make them feel human instead of a mess. A lovely meal can bring a smile to someones face and fill their belly. Food is essential to life. If they didn’t eat well their mood would drop and their performance at work would suffer. You have helped a lot of people and I bet you don’t even recognize that. I would say that the quality of your work speaks for itself and the thing is that if you want to learn something you can. You don’t have to necessarily go on a course, but you can if you like. There are lots of successful people out in the world who don’t recognize their worth because they lack qualifications. I think it’s really unfair that society pushes this on people. You know, only the generation before you grew up learning on the job with very few qualifications. I have met lots of inspirational, hardworking, highly skilled, intelligent people who don’t have qualifications and it doesn’t make them any less as people.

You dismiss the local temples as being inauthentic. Buddhism sounds like a really good fit for you. It is all about lessening suffering. I think that Roberta’s idea of visiting local temples is a great one. You can still visit the authentic ones on holiday. Buddhism has been very helpful to me for lessening suffering. If there is even a small chance it could be helpful, isn’t it worth a visit?

You dismiss enjoying food as a shallow experience. Everyone enjoys different things. It’s okay for you not to enjoy it, especially considering your job. It doesn’t mean that other people are shallow though for enjoying something that you don’t. You value spirituality, so perform Buddhist spiritual practices everyday and let it bring you a few minutes of comfort in what you find meaningful.

Evidence shows that people who are judgemental of themselves are judgemental of others. If you work on being less judgemental to others, it can also help you.

Certain behaviours have a function for us. Protecting us from things. Dismissing is one of them. It can protect us from disappointment. What if I try and it doesn’t work out? It’s not helpful? What if it takes me out of my comfort zone? Going outside of my comfort zone is scary and it opens me up to being hurt. But there are good experiences that are also missed out on. Life can surprise you if you let it.

My number one advice is to learn from the people who have been through what you have and recovered. Number two is to have good experiences and spread time with good people.