Home→Forums→Relationships→Friend/Lover of a year:Ghosting
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October 16, 2018 at 5:09 am #231289AnonymousGuest
Dear Laurie:
You wrote yesterday: “It’s easy to tell someone to do the right thing, but aren’t humans flawed?” Yes, humans are emotional beings who are motivated by emotions, not by logic and not by any book of etiquette in all matters, from table manners to relationships.
Whenever you feel, Laurie, that someone is criticizing you, pay attention to the following: it is much easier for a person to look at what someone else is doing wrong than it is to look at oneself. The reason is, after all, our eyes are situated in such a way that we do see other people, not ourselves (unless we look at a mirror).
You wrote not long ago that you cleaned your apartment well. I think you like cleanliness and orderliness. I hope that you organize well all that is currently disorganized in your thinking and feeling, so that you think and feel well of yourself, so that you no longer criticize yourself unfavorably.
I hope you continue this thread, that you keep communicating with me. I value our communication so far and I am grateful that you are here.
anita
October 16, 2018 at 7:22 am #231313LaurieParticipantThank you, Anita. You’re correct about me liking cleanliness & orderliness. Of course, I like my guests to be comfortable & relaxed at the same time. Anyway…I got this place a week after I was cruelly ghosted. I thought it would be a good distraction for me, and something I could look forward to. How surprised I was that my ex asked me in the text from Saturday night, if I ever moved out. What oh what did this guy want? Why after all these months would he reach out? It is, by far the weirdest thing I have ever been through. There was no excuse for what he did. I have analyzed this so many times since Saturday night/Sunday morning. He tried opening a dialog last month too, when he sent the first late night text. Then, the one this past weekend. He was trying to get me to respond. He even said, “I’m just happy you responded to my text.” Why did I cut off the communication that night? He probably would’ve kept typing, if I hadn’t said, “I know its late & all. Take care of yourself!” Would that curt reply make him think I’m no longer interested, hence he won’t try reaching out anymore, or will I hear from him again a few months down the line? Anita, your opinion is greatly appreciated. What do you think?
October 16, 2018 at 7:25 am #231315LaurieParticipantAnita, I forgot to mention. In his text from the other night, he didn’t say “wish I had you” he said “wish had u.”
I am not sure if that means the same thing. Does it?
October 16, 2018 at 7:44 am #231321AnonymousGuestDear Laurie:
“wish had u” reads like a texting abbreviation for “I wish I had you”, same thing.
Regarding your ending of the texting the Sunday early, early morning, if you didn’t, I can see him suggesting to meet with you. After all, he texted “wish had u”. He was aiming at that, reads to me.
Will he text you again, I am guessing he will. He texted you a month ago, you didn’t respond, he waited a month and texted you again. This time you responded to him and was short at the end but polite throughout nonetheless, so I am guessing he will text you again, guessing (I can’t tell the future, of course) that he will text you in less than a month from now, sooner than later.
What do you feel about him at this point, and about the idea of getting together with him in person? Notice, I am not asking to get a particular answer, nor will I criticize your answer whatever it will be. I sincerely want to know what you feel and think. You are safe with me in this regard.
anita
October 16, 2018 at 9:26 am #231333LaurieParticipantDear Anita, there is no way I would get together with him in person. No way. Plus, my old boyfriend is back in the picture. I couldn’t do that to him. It wouldn’t be fair. My ex-lover had his chance. Why he wrote, “wish had u” is ridiculous. He DID have me. I would’ve done anything for the man, but he dumped me without a reason, and left me hanging. He treated me like shit, used me, and then got scared, because I was getting too serious, I suppose, and fled like a coward. Now that he has been without me for all these months, he probably misses all the good times we had, not to mention the fact that he was treated like a king. He isn’t getting that sort of attention where he is, I know that. Of course, I could be wrong on all fronts. He might just miss the sex, which, if memory serves, was quite incredible. Now, I have to admit, I miss that! There was a hell of a lot of passion going on when we were together. I don’t know what he would’ve typed further if I hadn’t cut off the text. I was very polite to him, however, told him that I am happy, working hard, and living my life. He responded by saying, “that’s great!” Also, he knows that I live by myself. Would he be tempted to want to come visit? I know not. I think if he was really interested, he would try getting in touch with me during the week, during NORMAL hours, and not just in the middle of the night when drunk. Of course, he has taken baby steps to try getting me to respond. I know now that last month, he did try getting me to respond, but I didn’t. So, he waited another month, and tried again. I’m not sure if my cordialness will get him to attempt another reach. I kind of doubt it. I think he might’ve been trying to just see if I was mad at him or not. He knows I don’t hold grudges, so it made him feel better. I’m not sure why that “wish had u” slipped into the texting from him. What was he thinking sending something so ridiculous? I made it seem like I was over it already, and had moved on. If he regrets what he did, he has a weird way of showing it. So, to answer your question, no…I would NEVER meet with him in person again.
October 16, 2018 at 11:09 am #231341AnonymousGuestDear Laurie:
“What was he thinking sending something so ridiculous?”- maybe he wasn’t thinking, or he didn’t think much. People often don’t thoroughly think before acting, especially if drunk.
He doesn’t have you anymore, doesn’t have anyone treat him like a king. He doesn’t have your time, your attention, any more gifts or treats. This is then the consequence of his actions, specifically, a consequence of his choice to ghost you. He will never meet you in person again. He doesn’t know it yet, I think. But he will figure it out in time.
anita
October 17, 2018 at 4:17 am #231459LaurieParticipantAnita:
How strange that it took me months to start feeling mentally better about what happened with this jerk, and his two texts just set me back. Although not a day passes by that I don’t think of him, it was something I was starting to fade. Why is it that he is doing this to me? I don’t understand why he wouldn’t just get in touch, if he really wanted to…DURING THE DAY, like a normal person? Why does he wait till he is drunk & alone to reach out? Also, why hasn’t he at least sent an apology for what he did? It’s almost as if he was just reaching out to make sure I’m not mad, or going to possibly do something in retaliation. Even if I had blocked him, I think he would’ve used another phone to reach me. In his last text he made sure to write that he was “just happy that I answered his text.”
Thoughts?
October 17, 2018 at 4:42 am #231469AnonymousGuestDear Laurie:
I am trying to figure out his motivation, which is what you are asking about. You wonder if “he was reaching out to make sure I’m not mad, or going to possibly retaliate”- to figure out if this is his motivation, I ask:
Did he ever express to you a fear of you being angry at him and retaliating?
Did you ever express anger at him and how did he react?
anita
October 17, 2018 at 8:46 am #231507LaurieParticipantIf you knew this guy, you would see that he is one that cares a lot about what people think of him. He gets upset when he thinks people are mad at him. He was probably trying to test the water to see if I was still mad, because I had sent him that scathing email back in July. I think he doesn’t like it when people are mad at him. Also, maybe he is scared that I might tell someone in retaliation. He should know that I am not the type to retaliate. I would never tell people what happened between us. He might’ve been scared of that. I don’t know. I seriously doubt he wants to start up anything else, because he would call me during daylight hours, not when he is drunk & thinking about it. I have forgiven him, but will never forget the pain this man put me through. It was so unnecessary & cruel. I find it really lame that he would say that the reason he didn’t reach out sooner is because it was too hot at home. What the hell does that even mean? So, suddenly it isn’t hot at home? Suddenly, he can sneak off and text his ex at 1 am? I don’t know what his game is, but I don’t want him anymore. I’m already dysfunctional enough without him confusing me more.
Perhaps now that I answered him, told him I am not angry anymore and that I am living my life and have moved on…will he do the same, or will he?
October 17, 2018 at 9:36 am #231515AnonymousGuestDear Laurie:
“I don’t know what his game is”- not a game that makes good sense. From what you shared, he carries on a terrible marriage, catering to appearances, as does his wife, wasting his time, money, providing a terrible home life for his children, along the way loving you and hurting you. And the best he can do to explain himself is text you at 1 am, not explaining anything at all and so, you keep wondering what he is thinking, what he wants, what he will do next.
And yet, this is not exceptional, people not making sense. Maybe you try looking for logic where there is none. I think that what you do know for sure is that you felt great love for him, that you gave him a lot of yourself and your resources. You felt alive with him, passion. It is something that is very special, to feel such passion in life, a passion for somebody.
It is so very difficult to feel the vacuum of what is left when left alone so suddenly and unexpectedly by the one you felt so much for, wanted so much.
Him- maybe his passion awakens at 1 am. No logic to it. You think he is afraid that you are angry at him and that is why he texted you. Maybe. I don’t see it though- if he was afraid of you being angry at him, how could he ghost you like he did, I would think he would be scared to disappear and leave you angry.
anita
October 17, 2018 at 11:34 am #231557LaurieParticipantYou explained that so well, Anita. The love I felt for the man was huge! I think he knew how much I loved him too. See, in his world, he is distracted by his kids, wife, friends, parents, job and other happenings. He doesn’t have time to think about me and what he did unless he is out. After socializing or hunting, he spends time alone with his thoughts. I remember he used to tell me that he would often have dreams with me in them, or be thinking about me when he’d wake up or go to bed. How can he not? I paid for his sleep apnea machine he has to use nightly. Me, on the other hand spend most of my life alone. My family has their own lives & all, and I don’t have a lot of friends that live around here. Also, I work on my boss’s ranch (personal assistant & estate manager) all by myself. My coworkers are my boss’s dogs. When I first got this job a year & a half ago, it was a week after him & I met up for the first time. He used to call me constantly to check on me and make sure I was ok. Sometimes if I didn’t answer the phone, he’d get worried. Every morning without fail this man called me, then throughout the day. When he ghosted, I was unprepared. It went from constant attention to nothing. It hurt me so bad, Anita, I missed two days of work, couldn’t eat, or function. I went thru the worst depression of my life. I truly thought I was going to go out of my mind. This sorry bastard now wants to reach out & text, simply because his home life sucks? All these latest texts did was get me depressed again. I mean, look how many postings I have written on this forum! All devoted to a man that tricked me into thinking he cared the whole time. It makes you start questioning yourself. Am I pretty enough? Smart enough? Did I have bad breath? What? He has no idea how in love I was with him. He played with an extremely delicate woman with a heart of gold, and crushed my spirit.
October 17, 2018 at 11:53 am #231569AnonymousGuestDear Laurie:
As is often the case at this time of the day, I am not focused enough. I read little of your recent post and want to read your recent post attentively tomorrow morning. There is a lot of an “extremely delicate woman with a heart of gold” expressed in this recent post and she deserves my full attention.
I will be back to your thread in about sixteen hours from now and reply then.
anita
October 18, 2018 at 7:58 am #231679AnonymousGuestDear Laurie:
I re-read your posts on this thread. I think that your relationship with him was doomed from the start because of what you referred to as his submissive nature and him staying in a marriage where he has been controlled and abused for two decades. He wouldn’t have proceeded to divorce her because he didn’t have it in him, the courage to do so.
You felt very comfortable and safe with him, for some reason. I don’t know the reason, but comfortable enough to express yourself sexually, to be vulnerable and exposed to him that way, and this is a huge part of your hurt and intense anger at him disappearing from your life.
When in the relationship with him, I think that you figured he will choose you over his wife because she is messy and a lousy house keeper while you are organized, neat and clean; she is addicted to drugs and you are not; she is illiterate or close to it and you are educated and your grammar is good; she doesn’t have life skills and you do; she is unemployed and you are employed; she takes money from him, you gave him money and bought him things; she withheld sex from him, you were sexually available to him.
It hurt a whole lot that he chose her over you. You sure did your best to be the better choice. You gave it all, your body and money. It hurts so much because you gave him so much.
He told you at one point that he is a better person for having you in his life, that he was paying his bills on time and such. That must have been so encouraging to you, the thinking is: if he is better for having me in his life, then he will choose to have me in his life!
But he didn’t. Because what kept him in that marriage for twenty years before you is the same that drew him back to the marriage. It was impossible for you to change what existed in him before he ever met you. The dynamics in his life and marriage were already in place before you met him.
You wrote about him, “a man who tricked me into thinking he cared the whole time”- it was not possible for him to care enough so to change who he is, what he fears, what drives him.
You wrote, “It makes you start questioning yourself. Am I pretty enough? Smart enough? Did I have bad breath? What?”- no, it wasn’t any of these things. I mean, everyone has bad breath sometimes, and embarrassing things happen to everyone. No one is pretty or smart all the time. But this is not why he is gone. He is gone because what drove him before he met you kept driving him after he was with you.
“All devoted to a man that tricked me.. He played with an extremely delicate person”- he was thoughtless, insensitive and he didn’t understand, or if he did understand, he didn’t care to not get involved with you unless his marriage was indeed over, and he shouldn’t have taken your money, your gifts, your vacation treats. He shouldn’t have, it was wrong of him!
I wish he understood or cared to understand how delicate indeed you were and still are, how attached to him you were and how wrong it was of him to take from you, even though you offered. He shouldn’t have taken money and gifts from you.
And so, selfishly he took from you and selfishly he engaged with you intimately and then he was gone.
“When he ghosted, I was unprepared. I went from constant attention to nothing. It hurt me so bad… I went thru the worst depression of my life. I truly thought I was going to go out of my mind… He has no idea how in love I was with him. He played with an extremely delicate woman with a heart of gold, and crushed my spirit”.
I wish lots of people read your thread, so to see how indeed it is important to be careful when engaging with people, to pay attention, to think of the other person’s well-being; to not take just because it is offered. I am sorry for your pain. I do hope it gets better. And please do post again, anytime, for as long as it is or may be helpful to you in any way.
anita
October 24, 2018 at 3:30 am #232879AnonymousGuestDear Laurie:
How are you?
anita
January 15, 2019 at 3:22 pm #274789LaurieParticipantHappy belated new year, Anita! I wanted to drop by to tell you that after my last post, I stopped worrying/analyzing why the “man” I had the affair with ghosted me. I spent the holidays with my family, my long term boyfriend just spent a glorious weekend with me and I am slowly trying to let the horrible memory of what happened between me & “the man” slip away. I’ve been pretty distracted with work & life in general. I actually have been quite happy, however…..I went to bed at my normal time last night after an exhausting day at work around 10ish. My boss usually has a habit of texting me at all hours of the night, or early in the morning, but I won’t answer it until the morning. Last night, after I was almost asleep, I heard my phone make a noise, then about a minute later, another noise to indicate someone was sending me a text. No big deal. I figured it was my boss. Who else would it be? Well, this morning, I looked at my phone and was horrified to see if was from that guy!!!!!!! He has not reached out since that last time. This text said, “How are u doing?” “Have you trapped any hogs on the ranch?”
Okay?????!!!!! WTF?????????? This came at 11:11 & 11:12 pm. If you are wondering about the question about hog traps, well, we have a hog trap on the ranch I work at. I don’t understand this guy. Is he mental? Why would he suddenly text me again and ask such a random question? I never wrote him back today. I’m quite sure he was drunk too. Thoughts on why he did this again? It’s like he doesn’t even acknowledge what he did to me, like it is just another thing.
Laurie
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