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Friend/Lover of a year:Ghosting

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  • May 8, 2018 at 2:40 am #206061
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Laurie:

    I re-read and studied your posts. This man is married with kids, but was or still is separated from his wife. He lives 4 hours away from you. You knew him for many years but over a year ago the two of you became intimate. During the relationship you paid groceries for his kids, bought him a $900 Christmas gift and more recently, gave him $400.

    I missed the significance of this sentence before. Now I realize it is the most important sentence in your thread:  “many times I have told him, and offered to back away from the situation & to give him space”.

    Monday, eight days ago, he sent you an email in which he wrote: “I will be in touch with you as soon as I get my mind, body and spirit in place”.

    What he did eight days ago was to take that space that you offered him many times before.

    Your response to his email: “I think I understood what you were trying to convey…thank you for at least letting me know. I am sorry you are having such problems, but with any other areas of your life, you have to do what you have to do. With all sincerity, I truly hope everything will work out for you!”

    Your response to him is very supportive of him taking the space you offered him many times before. You had let him know that you understood what he was trying to convey (taking that space). You thanked him for letting you know that he is taking his space. You expressed empathy for him and supported him doing what-he-has-to-do, that is, that is, to take his space.

    You had let him know in your response that you are sincere in your support for him, in good spirits (the exclamation mark at the end of the email indicates that), and you end the email with your hope that everything will work out for him. There is no suggestion in your email that you expect his space from you to be time limited.

    Basically, your reply to him was: I understand that you are taking your space away from me. I am fine with it. I wish you the best in life!

    Back to the key sentence: “how many times I have told him, and offered to back away from the situation & to give him space, and he always says NO! I don’t want space from you!”

    Difference is that Monday, eight days ago, he did take that space and you had let him know you are fine with it.

    I suppose this is not ghosting (in the title of your thread). It is an amicable separation in practice, although you were not aware that you agreed with the separation and that your support of this separation was perfectly supportive and encouraging.

    What do you think?

    anita

    May 8, 2018 at 4:22 am #206081
    Airene
    Participant

    Hello Laurie,

    I’m so sorry for everything you are going through.  You came to trust someone who is, at best, someone who cannot express their feelings, and at worst, a coward.

    I hope that you have heeded the advice from others who have posted and have taken back sole access to your credit/debit/financial accounts.  I am wondering how you came to allow him access to your bank account?  I would think a grown man, with children, would have his own bank account.

    People are saying he used you.  If he has not paid you back money he owes you, then he did use you.  However, you also admit that you helped him with a personal matter of your own free will.   I hope that you will acknowledge that, and – as painful as it is to say this, and for you to read it – I hope you will also recognize that even though he used you, you allowed him to use you.  You did it for all the right and caring reasons:  You were helping a friend.  My hope is that from this you will begin an internal dialogue with yourself if you ever come across someone needing help.  The dialogue begins with: How is this my problem? The second part of that dialogue is you telling the person needing help, “I hope you figure something out.”   If you still feel compelled to help someone after telling yourself that, ask yourself if you are willing to accept that a) you may never see the money again and b) the person may be using you.

    You said you got involved with him against your better judgment.  In future, heed that judgment, and your intuition.  When you have that sense, all you need to do is get to know the person better.  Make sure their actions match their words.

    You say in your original post that he usually calls you first thing.  I am wondering…did you ever initiate contact with him, or did you wait for him most of the time to call/text/contact?  When one person is always doing the initiating, it can create an imbalance in the relationship.

    Right now, you are in a state of wonder, shock, questions, whys and yes, grief.  When you feel hurt and betrayed, please put this back on him.  You were acting in the name of friendship and concern.  Now that you know better, do better.

    If you are waiting for him to “come clean” and give you an explanation or apologize and/or repay you before you make peace with this and move forward, I encourage you to not wait.  He treated you badly, you learned from it and a better, stronger version of you will move forward.

    Airene

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Airene.
    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Airene.
    May 8, 2018 at 5:25 am #206091
    Laurie
    Participant

    A friend of mine told me the same thing. She said she’d be very surprised if he doesn’t contact me in the future. The thing I don’t understand is, why didn’t he just tell me this instead of sending that weird email? Also, he could’ve told me, so I would remove him from the bank account, which, by the way hasn’t had any transactions on. If he felt trapped by me he sure fooled me. The last Friday I spoke with him he acted completely normal. Also, he knows I am fixing to move to an expensive apartment and there isn’t going to be any more extra money. Maybe since there won’t be any extra money, my usefullness is gone? I have a feeling I am never going to hear from him again.

    I don’t know how anyone could be that close to someone, then dump the friendship with no warning.

    May 8, 2018 at 5:50 am #206095
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Laurie:

    I think there is a serious miscommunication here.

    As far as the way he took his space away from you (temporarily or permanently), people often do that, minimize expected conflict by misrepresenting reality aka lying.

    People often do claim, when they break up with another: it is not you, it is me. I am the problem and so, I have to go away to fix myself. And so on.

    When you offered to give him space many times before, why did you offer it?

    anita

     

    May 9, 2018 at 6:24 am #206479
    Laurie
    Participant

    I broke down and sent him an email yesterday and told him that there is no animosity on my part and I just wanted to ask about the banking info. I told him my door is always open, etc. It was a very friendly email, but he did not respond. I know he got it too, because it had a read receipt. His silence was the answer I needed, because I woke up this morning feeling a bit better. Not much, but a tid bit better. His silence on that email was almost closure for me. He used me, and moved on. That is a lesson learned. I deleted his number, emails, and closed that bank account. I am ready to move on, even though it still hurts deeply. He knows he is wrong, but someone that callous doesn’t care.

    May 9, 2018 at 8:03 am #206497
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Laurie:

    It is a good thing that you feel a bit better. You experienced lots of heartache, lots of hurt, pain and anger in the last ten days or so. You do need to feel better.

    Please feel free to post again anytime, to vent, to express.

    anita

    May 10, 2018 at 7:15 am #206583
    Alicya
    Participant

    I think you are jumping to conclusions. Perhaps he is depressed and gone into withdrawal until he sorts things out. His family may have dragged him to this event to try to cheer him up. Why not send him a nice email asking questions and telling him how you honestly feel without putting angry blame on him. What more have you got to lose? Maybe your pride is standing in the way of your happiness.

    May 14, 2018 at 4:29 am #207193
    Laurie
    Participant

    I did send him a nice email Alicya informing him that I had no hard feelings, and hope everything was going well for him, but I needed to know what was going on, because of our shared bank account, and he didn’t respond, nor has he called me. He couldn’t even give me that. He knows very well how hurt I am, and is in no way, shape or form going to try reaching out to me, because he is way too much of a coward. It is going on three weeks. The guy used me, got bored, and is now not wanting anything to do with me. Depressed my a**. I am moving on, however, getting ready to move into my new apartment, and am very regretful that I ever had a relationship with this person. He knows very well that he hurt me by dropping out of my life with no warning. Throwing all the romantics out of it, what about the friendship? That is what I miss the most. How could he have betrayed me like this is beyond me. The least he could’ve done is let me know he didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore. How funny that his dropping out of sight coincides right when I am renting the new apartment and the extra funds I used to help him were drying up. He knew this too, because I told him that I wouldn’t be able to help him as much financially, because my apartment was going to be over $1,000 a month. He even tried to talk me out of moving out of my dad’s house, so I would always have extra money. When I think of the extra money I spent on this guy, and him never buying me anything in return should’ve been enough of an answer that he didn’t really care about me. He was just having fun for a little while, and as soon as the money stopped being available he suddenly had to stop all communication with someone who helped him feed his freakin family! I helped pay his utility bills, gas, groceries, you name it. He even told me that he would’ve “sunk” without my help. That is the thanks I get in return. He drops out of my life with no warning, and gives me some stupid excuse that he will contact me when his “mind, body & spirit” are in place. Well, he can blow! I am, I suppose in the angry stage of this situation, compared to the hurt stage I was in last week & the week before. Hey, it is his loss! I was a true friend when he needed it the most, and now that the money isn’t as available, he suddenly can’t talk to me anymore. Liar!

    May 14, 2018 at 4:46 am #207195
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Laurie:

    You wrote earlier: “many times I have told him, and offered to back away from the situation & to give him space”.

    I am curious as to why you thought he needed space from you. It is as if you felt that you burdened him and that he should take a break from you.

    anita

    May 14, 2018 at 5:59 am #207205
    Laurie
    Participant

    Anita, I would rather not go into why I told him that. Trust me, I offered, because I thought I was causing problems in his life. I guess subconscienly, I knew I needed to end the relationship, but I became addicted to the attention & company he provided me. Remember, I was damaged goods when he started reaching out to me over a year ago. My other boyfriend of 14 years abandonded me when my mom passed away, and didn’t even attend the memorial service with me. He coldly left me, and wouldn’t be with me when I needed comfort the most, so I was alone, and this other guy started calling me out of the blue, because he said he felt bad about what my boyfriend had done to me. One thing led to another, and his frequent calls became daily calls, multiple times a day. His phone calls started comforting me a great deal while I was going thru the pain of not only losing my mom, but the relationship with my boyfriend, who he knows. After about a year or so of phone calls, we started meeting up. We were extremely close friends, but he had a lot going on in his life with his wife, who is highly addicted to drugs. He left her, and was living on his own with his daughters. He kept feeling sorry for his wife, however, and would always visit her, and was probably sleeping with her too. Who knows. All I know is, I was damaged, depressed & abandoned, and wasn’t exactly in my right mind when I got involved. We were both starved for affection, and we became lovers/friends. The relationship lasted a whole year with him calling me “honey” and “my love.” I am still extremely hurt, and probably won’t ever get over it, but I must move on.

    May 14, 2018 at 6:55 am #207213
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Laurie:

    I asked because I believe that learning from our life experiences is most important in making better choices in the future, in becoming more effective in our choices and behaviors.

    Of course, a person has to feel calm enough before learning can be done, before things can be looked into. And then there is the personal choice issue: to learn from or leave it all behind.

    Thing is nothing hurtful is left behind and stays behind, unless we learn from it what we need to learn.

    And so, when you are ready and willing, if you are, let me know. Otherwise, please continue to post. I will not ask more questions unless you let me know it is okay with you.

    anita

    May 17, 2018 at 11:09 am #207965
    Laurie
    Participant

    Anita, I offered many times to end our affair, because I thought he might want to work on his relationship with his wife, but he always said no. He has been with her 20 years and told me she is never going to change. I know her myself. She is def on a lot of drugs. I think he went back with her for the kids sake and is feeling guilty for having had this thing with me. I think his guilt is causing him to regret anything & everything having to do with me, and the easiest way to soothe his guilty conscience is to erase me from his memory. He doesn’t want anything to do with me, even though almost every, single thing in his house is something I bought him. I paid for shoes, clothes, rifle, rice cooker, etc. He even sleeps every night with the $800 sleep apnea machine I bought him. How can he use this stuff and not think of me? I don’t know how this guy cannot feel any guilt for what he did to me. I even paid for the eyeglasses he wears every, single day. I estimate I spent over $30,000 on this guy. He would go to the ATM and buy groceries, his daughter’s birthday gift, expensive pillows he got at Macys, etc. I am not exaggerating. Everything in his house was bought with my money. I am sick even thinking about it.

    May 18, 2018 at 4:01 am #208023
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Laurie:

    One possible reason for this Ghosting (in the title of your thread) is that he went back to his wife. He was married 20 years and separated when the two of you got closer.

    A second possible reason for this ghosting is that you are about to rent an expensive apartment and have told him that you will not be able to help him financially anymore (“I told him that I wouldn’t be able to help him as much financially, because my apartment was going to be over $1,000 a month”)

    When the two of you got closer, over a year ago, he was newly separated from his wife of 20 years, still visiting her often, and you were abandoned by your boyfriend at the time and your mother passed away. At the time, you were “damaged, depressed & abandoned…starved for affection”. He comforted you a great deal. He called you “honey” and “my love”. He told you that you were “the best thing that has ever happened to him”. He “always promised (you) that he’d never do something like this” (abandon you)

    Back to the second possibility: you wrote that he accepted money from you “when he was hurting financially”, that you “paid for groceries for his kids”- that does read like a dire need, to feed one’s kids. But then you paid for expensive gifts for him, the $900 rifle, not a dire need. He used your money to buy “expensive pillows he got at Macys”, not a dire need.

    Reads to me that the two possibilities are very likely, a combination of the two. Reads to me that you really have been used, or misused, for financial gain and that by doing so he has been cruel to you. Somehow he is able to wake up every morning and be okay with what he has done to you.

    Any indications of his cruel nature before the Ghosting?

    (I am wondering if his financial needs came about because and following his separation from his wife. And how the idea of having a shared bank account came about).

    anita

     

    May 19, 2018 at 6:22 am #208195
    Laurie
    Participant

    I had 100%, absolutely no indication he would ever do anything like this. He even said that if we quite seeing each other in a romantic sense, we would still be best friends for life. This guy is usually very submissive. His family dominates & controls him, and the woman he is married (but separated) to has done some very bad things to him too. He has put up with it. As a matter of fact, he is known for being very weak & submissive, that is why a lot of people have taken advantage of him. His wife has been especially cruel to him over the years. I know it is true, because I knew him before this affair happened, and I used to wonder back in the day why anyone in their right mind would put up with that kind of abuse. She won’t change, either, but he is willing to put up with it for the sake of his children. Back to your question, there was no indication. If this guy was acting the whole time, then he is the world’s best actor, better than Marlon Brando. He convinced me that his affection for him (friendship/romantic) was genuine. This guy called me any chance he got when he wasn’t around his kids. He was starved for affection & emotional connection too, just like I was. But, he simply just left me with that strange email, and I have not heard from him in over three weeks. I cannot try reaching out any more either, because I emailed him a few weeks ago, and he never wrote back. He isn’t ever going to contact me again, I know this. He is too ashamed & scared to face me, because he knows it was wrong what he did to someone that was so generous to him. I mean, I genuinely cared about his (and his kids) well being, because he had been in such an abusive relationship. It is like women that stay in abusive relationships and keep going back to the abuser over & over again. His wife is an absolute monster. I know her. She is very abusive to him. I really thought he was going to divorce her finally, but he didn’t. End of story. He used me, and now is done with me. I am still hurt, but moving on….

    May 19, 2018 at 6:39 am #208199
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Laurie:

    One would think that a person who has been abused for so long, as he has been, by his wife, a person so “starved for affection & emotional connection” would really appreciate someone like you, treating him kindly, generously giving him so much monetary help and gifts. What does it mean then, that a person like him ghosts a person like you, I ask myself. And what does it mean when a person like him goes back to the one abusing him.

    Is it really for the sake of the children. I don’t think so: children don’t benefit from witnessing abuse by one parent against the other. They can’t  possibly benefit having a drug addicted mother and a father who submit to a drug addicted mother.

    I think it means that an abused person, one who suffered a lot, one starving for love is not necessarily a good, loving person ready to do the right thing if given the chance.

    Love is not necessarily where there is a starvation for it. That starvation can consume one feeding it and the one consuming (taking and taking) is not satisfied after all.

    I do hope you move on. I wish you didn’t have this experience to carry with you as you move on. But there it is.

    anita

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