Emily,

It doesn’t seem to me that compassion for him is missing. It seems more like your compassion for him is butting up with your need to protect your family, business, and so forth from his habits. You already see and seem to feel warmth for his side of things… and your trying to make it work for this long shows great strength of heart. Sometimes being compassionate is more about letting what is real be real, rather than trying to accept the unacceptable. To “be OK” with what is “not OK” isn’t actually compassion. Its closer to enabling.

Said differently, it sounds like you wish to be kind to him. That’s great! You saying “I get pissed when he comes to work hungover or on drugs” isn’t in conflict with your being kind to him. Its like he’s placing a thorn in your business, and it makes sense that it upsets you. Being kind in this situation, in my opinion, would be to be direct with how disruptive and unacceptable his behavior is, and letting him know if it continues, you’ll need to find a different manager.

From a different direction, consider how his behavior isn’t good for him or you. Getting drunk the night before work or using drugs before coming to work isn’t good for him. Having a manager drunk or drugged isn’t good for you. Seeing that, accepting that, is still compassionate. Not “oh, what a terrible guy” (slipping into judgment), rather “pieces that aren’t fitting” (compassion for yourself and him, space to see what’s there). Does that make sense?

Its noble of you to wish to “eat the karma”, such as trying to accept the behaviors that upset you… but they’re upsetting you for a reason. Instead of trying to avoid hurting him, consider aiming at getting him to stop the behavior, or removing him from the business. He might need a little bit of whip on his bottom, like a horse that is stuck in mud, to get him unstuck. Maybe his boss being pissed that he’s acting foolishly will push him to find better coping mechanisms for stress. Maybe getting fired will. To me, it seems like your self compassion is what is low, being loving and open enough with yourself to see what you really need, think, and feel.

With warmth,
Matt

I hate letting people go. It’s the least favorite part of running a business.

This is what I’ve done, and it’s not honest but seems to work nicely: First, give him a heads up that things are going to change by the New Year. That you are revamping the company. That money is tight and you’re letting people go or cutting salaries.

Hire an intern or young person to be his assistant. Now, deep in his heart of hearts he knows that he’s not doing a good job. Knowing that he may only have a few months and that there’s new blood that could take over his job ~ You should expect great improvements!

Then, at the beginning of the New Year, say that as he knows, change has come. That you are giving him a new, smaller job with a smaller salary or letting him go. If you’re lucky he will already have moved on or improved so much the meeting isn’t necessary!

OR! Bite the bullet and say, “It’s not working”.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Inky.

Hey Emily,

I am new to this forum, but I’ve spent 25 years running companies both large and small. I feel for you. H/R issues can be the worst part of the “job” of owning your own business. Here are a few tips from this ‘ol dunder-head; 1) Hire right – make sure you have realistically explained the position, responsibilities and your expectations. Regardless of how small, always write out a job description. This can even be helpful for you, the owner, to identify the key traits you are looking for. Finding the right candidate for your particular position is half of the battle. 2) Explain the metrics you will use to measure performance – you can & should be descriptive like “cheerfully greeting customers when they enter our store”, etc. All too often, owners/managers focus on the rote functions like “open the store at 9 am”, “complete daily bank deposit by 3 pm”. By not describing duties more fully, you leave the door open for an employee to cling to the bare minimum standards like “hey, i opened the store at 9. What do you want from me?” 3) – When an employee isn’t cutting it, owners and managers owe them honest, early feedback with an opportunity to correct their actions. You can be honest without being brutal. 4) – Avoid inadvertently attacking their character/personality. So, if the issue was an unfriendly associate you would approach that by saying something like ” I’ve noticed you don’t smile or talk much to customers. Do you think that displaying a friendlier approach could be more beneficial for you and our company?” In short, help them with bite-size tasks they understand and be accountable for. Show them examples of what that would look like. finally, If you have to part company, I think you can be honest without being a bully or abrasive. An employee should never be absolutely shocked they got fired. If they are, that’s your fault. They should have gotten some opportunities to fix issues while they were small. When I have had to terminate people, I usually explain what isn’t working for me. I don’t fire them for being “bad”, I tell them I’m moving in a different direction so I can achieve (fill in the blank here – higher customer review scores, better level of attention-to-detail, etc).

Best of luck to you..!