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Fiancé choosing porn over intimacy with me

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  • May 29, 2019 at 11:18 am #296263
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear dreaming715:

    “He says it means nothing and it’s just a quick and easy release”-

    – easy, he said. Meaning it is difficult to engage with you, therefore he prefers it easy-

    Is it possible that he feels pressured when having sex with you, pressured to make it all last longer than he’d like, or something about being engaged with you, even as “a giver”, is difficult for him?

    anita

    May 29, 2019 at 12:21 pm #296271
    dreaming715
    Participant

    I asked him and he said he feels he would do this with anyone and it’s not personal. He just likes the quickness, there’s less physical activity involved, and there’s no pressure to perform. In a way I can understand this, but to an extent… it doesn’t make sense to me when I’m offering to do all of the work and telling him I’m okay with that and even enjoy it. Therefore, that leads me to believe he just genuinely sometimes prefers the imagery and novelty of porn. He said it’s like a habit he’s had since he was a teenager.

    May 29, 2019 at 12:57 pm #296279
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear dreamging715:

    His explanation makes sense to me and it sounds honest, that is, I don’t see him hiding something from you or being deceitful in any way- it is a habit, for one, then it is easy and quick, like it always was for him.

    A habit before you came along, no  difference from his habit of tweeting about the band he likes, a habit from before.

    Some habits do change over time, but never underestimate the power of a habit, the strong inclination to repeat what was done before, regardless of new experiences. It takes a lot of time and repetition for the new experiences to become habits.

    anita

     

    May 29, 2019 at 2:32 pm #296293
    Mark
    Participant

    dreamging715,

    You two still can be sexually intimate without having him having an erection.  I would have a frank and honest talk with him about what you enjoy and what he enjoys.   This pressure to perform is understandable.  If you are willing to let go having him “performing” and be happy with other aspects of intimacy such as cuddling, him satisfying you with his hands and mouth,  giving each other massages, just kissing and making out, etc. then that may be an answer to still be intimate despite him still wanting to satisfy himself.

    Mark

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