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Feud between brother and sister – I\'m the sister-in-law – Where should I stand??

Home→Forums→Relationships→Feud between brother and sister – I\'m the sister-in-law – Where should I stand??

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • November 12, 2014 at 7:24 pm #67739
    Anny
    Participant

    Hello! My husband has never been close to his family. He’s always felt like the black sheep and has had many arguments with his family since his teenage years. I had developed a friendship with his sister over the years but only communicated and saw her a few times a year, along with my husband. Since December of last year, my husband and his sister have been in a feud and don’t talk to each other anymore. My husband expressed to me that it would hurt him if I stayed in touch with his sister. My sister-in-law on the other hand says he’s “controlling” me (here is what she wrote: I guess the part that is really sad is that he “controls ” you and keeps you from having a relationship with me. It’s not “supporting” your spouse when it comes to hating someone who never has done anything to you. (Note from me, the sister-in-law – She thinks I hate her, which is not the case.) Perhaps you didn’t feel like our relationship was as important as I thought?). I’ve had good times with her but as I have previously mentioned we were not calling each other every week nor seeing each other very often. I’ve told her I was putting our relationship on hold until the quarrel would end, that I was standing by my husband… I don’t see a close end to it though. My husband’s life is calmer when he stays away from his family and mine thereby. There are lots of reproaches in his family instead of them expressing their needs. It gets heavy. I hate fights, much rather chose peace and simplicity, that’s what I was thinking of answering in part and that I don’t hate her. Should I ask what she expects of me??? I fear she is trying to manipulate me to get to her brother, but I also think she cares about me. Any suggestions? Thanks in advance for your wise words.

    • This topic was modified 10 years, 1 month ago by Anny.
    November 13, 2014 at 12:25 am #67757
    Janice
    Participant

    Hey Anny, I think it’s a good idea to speak with your husband about this and explore why and what about your contact to his sister would hurt him. If you understand this better then maybe both of you can figure out if any contact to what extent, if so, can be a compromise that makes both of you happy.
    And you can also explore just for yourself, what is it in this situation that’s most important to you? Is it important to support your husband? Is it important to maintain the friendship? Is it important to you to do the “morally just” thing” (whatever that may be in this situation)? Do you hope to be able to put an end to their conflict sometime in the future if you stay in contact with his sister?

    Try to gain some clarity over what’s important to you and your husband.

    I hope this helps. All the best to you.

    November 13, 2014 at 3:37 am #67760
    Anny
    Participant

    Thank you very much Janice, for your time and advice! I guess I have more thinking to do!

    November 13, 2014 at 4:23 am #67762
    Inky
    Participant

    I think the sister is being controlling because by saying that you are “controlled” and have to “hate” her because of your husband! That is very manipulative. This is not an intervention on behalf of a controlled woman. This is so she can be friends with one spouse and still fight with the other!

    Asking one spouse to go against the other (even in support) is over the top. She can’t have it out with one, so she goes for the easier target! Don’t be the easier target.

    Just say, “I want peace in the home” or “I’m not discussing this” or “You’re not over that yet?” when she brings it up.

    And, on another note, of course you can be friends with her! Just don’t have it be in your husband’s face! Don’t hide or deny it either! Be all, “Honey, I want peace in the home”, “I’m not discussing this” or “You’re not over that yet?”

    The decision is ultimately yours, but I would let your husband handle it and take the lead.

    November 13, 2014 at 12:27 pm #67775
    DeepThinker
    Participant

    That’s such good advice Janice!

    November 13, 2014 at 12:37 pm #67777
    DeepThinker
    Participant

    I understand what you are going through I am in a similar situation and I am the sister-in-law. My brother had a nasty argument with my mother and he decided to cut his entire family off. I had nothing to do with this argument. His wife did not even bother to tell me that she should not speak to me anymore, she just stopped returning calls and texts. I found out on Christmas eve I was no longer welcome in their house by another relative. However they still accepted my gifts.

    I respect you for at least trying to consider your sister-in-law’s feelings, but she crossed the line when she said that her brother is controlling you. Keeping peace in your home is what should take priority. Janice gave you very good advice on how to communicate with both of them. I hope in the future you and your husband will be able to work out issues with his family in a emotionally healthy way.

    November 13, 2014 at 4:38 pm #67792
    Anny
    Participant

    Wow! I really feel blessed that total strangers, you: Janice, Inky and DeepThinker, took some of your precious time to write back!! I am also thankful for Tina Buddha whom I discovered through its wise and helpful articles found on its blog and for giving us such an opportunity to exchange on topics that you don’t feel like sharing with the wrong people. I feel less alone. THANK YOU!! I DO WANT PEACE, and had found it until she invited us for Xmas again this year but emailed me instead of her brother. She knows the fight is not settled. I give her credit for wanting to invite us; she probably is rising some kind of white flag but I have advised her that I wouldn’t talk to my husband (her brother) about it that she would have to invite him herself. I am more of a loner and when such situations come up, it just reinforces my idea that I’m better off on my own, that relationships can be so complicated. Thanks again! Good luck DeepThinker!! Group hug!:)

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