Hola SereneWolf,

How’s that battle going? Feeling any better?

It fluctuates… I feel better emotionally when my physical pain is better. I still find it hard not to focus on the physical pain and on looking for ways to help myself. I think it’s normal… but I also know there’s this other part of my life, where I’m stalling, which could give me more joy (hopefully) – if I’d manage to get it started. Anyway, it’s still a battle…

Yeah, and now he’s doing better, but even though he can, he doesn’t do much physical activity to recover faster. He’s just on the phone all day, which is irritating. Watching short content also has a bad effect on the brain… but no, he won’t understand.

I’m glad your father is feeling better. It seems you’re upset about him not doing some physical exercises to help with his recovery. Do you express this frustration to him, do you quarrel with him? Or you can let it go?

Thanks for your encouraging words! But because it was taking a toll on my mental health, I went to Vipassana Meditation Centres (they’re all over the world) and omg, what an actually serene experience. I went there for a 10-day course — no electronics, no talking. You have to take noble silence there. You just meditate for 8–10 hours every single day, with a one-hour discourse in the evening. So good and so eye-opening.

They put a lot of weight on equanimity, and it’s based on Buddha’s way of meditation. I think you should check it out. It definitely helped me a lot with many things. My attention span is better, and for the last few days, I’ve been applying for a lot of suitable roles. Let’s see.

Wow, 10 days in silence, meditation, no distractions from the outside world… just you and your thoughts, and one-hour lecture in the evening. That must be challenging!

But I’m glad it helped you. It seems you’ve got a new motivation to apply for jobs and you’re feeling more focused. Yeah, I can imagine if you spend 10 days mostly meditating, with no distractions, your brain is really focused and sharp. Good for you, SereneWolf! I hope you get a job you like ASAP 🙏

Nope. Just the house and food expenses. And when there’s some saving, they spend it on some big thing, like a vehicle or renovation and stuff. So, although from the start, I knew that I’d have to handle and take care of the family financially.

Yeah, it doesn’t seem very responsible to me. Funny how your father was strict, scolding and perfectionist with you (if I remember well), but he himself wasn’t too smart or responsible when it comes to important financial decisions. He wasn’t really a good role model, if you ask me… But it seems he was counting on being supported by his children (you primarily) in his old age, and so I guess he didn’t feel that his behavior was irresponsible.

Yes, it’s not their fault. It’s generally the culture here. So yeah, it’s their old wiring. And not only that, but it makes me think — their love, is it genuine? Or is it because I’m fulfilling their expectations? Maybe that’s why I have trust issues in relationships, like, why would you love me without a reason? It’s hard to believe in selfless love.

Yes, it’s hard… there are so many expectations on adult children in India, starting from arranged marriages, not marrying into a certain caste, finishing a respectable university, getting a suitable job, earning a decent income, so you can finance their upkeep when they’re old… it’s incredible how many expectations there are!

And no wonder the child doesn’t feel loved for who they are, but for how they perform… parental love in India seems very conditional, unfortunately.

But that’s a distortion, it’s not true love. People shouldn’t have children to serve a certain function, but to love them and care for them. It’s unfortunate if the entire culture sees children as a source of pride (but selfish, ego pride, like “my child has a better job than yours”), and also a source of income and sustenance in old age. It’s quite utilitarian.

You’d need to learn what true parental love is. It’s unconditional. Even if you don’t perform perfectly, the parent loves you. They never withdraw their love, even though they set boundaries on unwanted behavior.

But you – your individuality, your person – is cherished. You’re seen as precious, as special, and they’re proud of you for who you are, not what function you fulfill for them.

But of course, that’s the ideal. That’s what a good parent gives the child. There are many inadequate parents all around the word, but perhaps in some cultures more so than in others.

So I hear you, SereneWolf. You’re asking what to work on in therapy:

Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed I don’t even know where to start. Especially when it comes to self image I don’t know how to work on it properly.
That reminds me.. since you know my patterns well (honestly more than I do), can you tell me what exact points I should raise with the therapist?

I think conditional love is one major problem: feeling worthy of love only if you have a job and are bringing in the money. You said you don’t even want to date while you don’t have a job, because you don’t feel good enough. So the feeling of not being good enough is a major one. And it’s been engraved into you both by your parents, grandparents and also the culture around you. That’s something to work on.

And the therapist would need to have an understanding of unconditional love and what true self-worth means. Because if they grew up in the same culture and don’t see a problem with this type of parenting and what it does to children, then they probably won’t be able to help you. It needs to be someone who “transcended” that culture and can support you in reclaiming your true worth and self-esteem.

So the goal would be to learn to love yourself for who you are, not what you can provide for others. Of course, you’re a caring person and you don’t have a problem with giving – but when you’re only loved when you give, when you perform, when you fulfill other people’s expectations – that’s very crushing for the soul. And it kills self-esteem. So you’d need to heal that.

I hope you find a good therapist… BTW what was the problem with the previous two? You said they were very generic…

In the meanwhile, if you want to talk, I’m here… Take care!

Hi SereneWolf,

learning Greek at the moment? 🙂

You’re feeling better? Or at least able to dance? Haha

Ah no dancing for me unfortunately… 3 weeks ago I got another flare-up with my spine, totally out of the blue, so struggling with that… It’s a never-ending battle with those conditions that affect my mobility (and consequently, my ability to have fun and enjoy some important aspects of life). But it is what it is… it forces me to look deep within and find meaning in all this, and how I might be contributing to these things happening… and so I try to look at it as a lesson and not get too depressed about it.

No, I don’t express frustration to him. But yeah, sometimes I do raise my voice when I can’t bear it. Mostly I just let it go and focus on myself.

Okay good. Yeah, it’s okay to give advice and tell him what would be the best to do for his healing, but if he’s stubborn and refuses to listen, there’s no point in insisting. The wisest thing then is to let go and focus on yourself – on improving your own life, on controlling that what you can control, rather than getting upset about him and trying to change him…

Yes, it’s better. I want to keep this habit of meditation and mindfulness because sometimes I still get overwhelmed with emotions, and because of that, I procrastinate.

Right, and it seems meditation and mindfulness help you emotionally better regulate yourself – not be overwhelmed by negative emotions – and so you can keep your focus more easily, right?

This week was quite productive though. Also, I’m using better strategies as well. I started actually applying with another friend. she’s also going through similar things. So it’s kinda like good support as well.

Cool! It’s great that you have someone to support you, who is in a similar situation. So you support each other. Which is great, because you don’t feel like you’re going through this all alone…

Yes, I agree. The sad thing is it’s always the comparison. That’s why they aren’t happy with what their kids achieved. They’ll be like, “No, their kids achieved more, you do that too.”

That’s very unfortunate. The never-ending comparison… If children are raised in a way that they are constantly compared to other kids instead of being appreciated for who they are – for their own unique gifts and personality – it’s a recipe for poor self-esteem. And if this is embedded in the entire culture, then I guess it results in quite a few people lacking real self-esteem and then competing with each other, rather than appreciating each other.

I don’t know, it just seems unhealthy for the society at large to put such pressure on children… but I don’t know enough, so please feel free to share your impressions, based on your real-life experience. I’d like to know more about if and e.g. how this culture affects work places – whether there is a sense of competition between people working on the same team, or there is still a sense of mutuality, collaboration and team spirit?

(but also please disregard if this is not an issue and I’m just inventing some hypothetical problems)

Yes, I want to learn and actually experience unconditional love (not just parental). but do you really think love can be unconditional? or it’s just a myth, Even are there people who can love you unconditionally? Because even blood related people can’t love unconditionally so. Isn’t that too much expectation waiting to be shattered. that’s what I was thinking lately

That’s a very good question, SereneWolf. I’m thinking about it as I’m typing, since I haven’t really thought about it before… Well, I think unconditional love doesn’t mean tolerating behavior that is unacceptable. So a parent can love their child unconditionally – appreciate their unique gifts, talents and personality – but put limits on certain bad behaviors.

As an adult, we might love someone for who they are, even if we don’t agree with some of their behaviors or even attitudes. The person might have some habits or idiosyncrasies that we don’t necessarily appreciate, but it’s not something that would make us leave the relationship, since those habits are not destructive or disrespectful or harmful to anyone.

The person is still a good person, they have a good heart, their core values align with ours. We feel loved and respected in the relationship, we feel supported to pursue our goals and dreams, and the other person doesn’t feel threatened by those pursuits. They support us, rather than discourage us.

I don’t know if this is called unconditional love, but I think it’s healthy love, it’s a mark of a healthy relationship. So we’re free to be our true self, and some of our “kinks” are accepted, because well, “nobody is perfect”.

And another thing comes to mind: the more the person is in touch with their true self (rather than stuck in their ego), the more we can love them. And the more they can love us too. True self to true self – is I think the best recipe for a healthy relationship.

So perhaps it can be said that we can love each other’s true self unconditionally. Because it’s so easy to love. But we don’t need to love the other person’s ego unconditionally. We can challenge that, put boundaries on that.

Anyway, this is just my musings… I wonder what you think?

Thanks a lot. I had a therapy session a few days ago and I did give the pointers that you mentioned, and she suggested two things. First, have a wallet photo of my childhood self and be kinder to him, or whenever I’m too critical, just look at it so I can know who I’m getting angry at and judging. (I think much earlier you or maybe Anita suggested me this) Also, she told me to write letter, especially to my father. I don’t have to send but put all the frustration and internal hate there and let it out.

You’re welcome! Yes, I remember one of us suggested having a childhood photo of yours at hand. I think it’s a great idea what your therapist suggested to take a glance at your childhood photo whenever you feel critical of yourself. Because that should fill you with compassion and neutralize or at least lessen the blow by the inner critic. Because we cannot criticize ourselves and have compassion for ourselves at the same time… So yes, I think it’s a very good strategy.

Also the letter to your father that you write but don’t send: to express the anger and frustration at him, which you are totally allowed to feel, because he did hurt you with his upbringing. That’s a very good idea too – I hope you’ll try it!

This therapist is actually Asian, that’s why she can understand Asian family dynamics better. And no disrespect, but British therapists were too vague and generic, like “that is wrong” and “blah blah,” but I’m like, you don’t understand—it’s not only my parents, it’s literally the norm and culture here. So I don’t want to put effort into changing the whole culture. And then luckily, I found this one when I emailed that I specifically wanted an Asian therapist.

Oh okay, you feel more understood by an Asian therapist, who understands and has probably grown up in the same culture. And sure, you don’t want to (and wouldn’t even be able to) change the entire culture and its norms. However, you can heal from some of the consequences of that culture, and also choose to take some of those norms and expectations in a more relaxed way, so that you don’t feel like a bad person if you don’t follow them.

I’m glad you’re feeling rapport with your new therapist, and that you don’t feel judged but understood and supported. Happy for you, SereneWolf!