Hola SereneWolf,

How’s that battle going? Feeling any better?

It fluctuates… I feel better emotionally when my physical pain is better. I still find it hard not to focus on the physical pain and on looking for ways to help myself. I think it’s normal… but I also know there’s this other part of my life, where I’m stalling, which could give me more joy (hopefully) – if I’d manage to get it started. Anyway, it’s still a battle…

Yeah, and now he’s doing better, but even though he can, he doesn’t do much physical activity to recover faster. He’s just on the phone all day, which is irritating. Watching short content also has a bad effect on the brain… but no, he won’t understand.

I’m glad your father is feeling better. It seems you’re upset about him not doing some physical exercises to help with his recovery. Do you express this frustration to him, do you quarrel with him? Or you can let it go?

Thanks for your encouraging words! But because it was taking a toll on my mental health, I went to Vipassana Meditation Centres (they’re all over the world) and omg, what an actually serene experience. I went there for a 10-day course — no electronics, no talking. You have to take noble silence there. You just meditate for 8–10 hours every single day, with a one-hour discourse in the evening. So good and so eye-opening.

They put a lot of weight on equanimity, and it’s based on Buddha’s way of meditation. I think you should check it out. It definitely helped me a lot with many things. My attention span is better, and for the last few days, I’ve been applying for a lot of suitable roles. Let’s see.

Wow, 10 days in silence, meditation, no distractions from the outside world… just you and your thoughts, and one-hour lecture in the evening. That must be challenging!

But I’m glad it helped you. It seems you’ve got a new motivation to apply for jobs and you’re feeling more focused. Yeah, I can imagine if you spend 10 days mostly meditating, with no distractions, your brain is really focused and sharp. Good for you, SereneWolf! I hope you get a job you like ASAP 🙏

Nope. Just the house and food expenses. And when there’s some saving, they spend it on some big thing, like a vehicle or renovation and stuff. So, although from the start, I knew that I’d have to handle and take care of the family financially.

Yeah, it doesn’t seem very responsible to me. Funny how your father was strict, scolding and perfectionist with you (if I remember well), but he himself wasn’t too smart or responsible when it comes to important financial decisions. He wasn’t really a good role model, if you ask me… But it seems he was counting on being supported by his children (you primarily) in his old age, and so I guess he didn’t feel that his behavior was irresponsible.

Yes, it’s not their fault. It’s generally the culture here. So yeah, it’s their old wiring. And not only that, but it makes me think — their love, is it genuine? Or is it because I’m fulfilling their expectations? Maybe that’s why I have trust issues in relationships, like, why would you love me without a reason? It’s hard to believe in selfless love.

Yes, it’s hard… there are so many expectations on adult children in India, starting from arranged marriages, not marrying into a certain caste, finishing a respectable university, getting a suitable job, earning a decent income, so you can finance their upkeep when they’re old… it’s incredible how many expectations there are!

And no wonder the child doesn’t feel loved for who they are, but for how they perform… parental love in India seems very conditional, unfortunately.

But that’s a distortion, it’s not true love. People shouldn’t have children to serve a certain function, but to love them and care for them. It’s unfortunate if the entire culture sees children as a source of pride (but selfish, ego pride, like “my child has a better job than yours”), and also a source of income and sustenance in old age. It’s quite utilitarian.

You’d need to learn what true parental love is. It’s unconditional. Even if you don’t perform perfectly, the parent loves you. They never withdraw their love, even though they set boundaries on unwanted behavior.

But you – your individuality, your person – is cherished. You’re seen as precious, as special, and they’re proud of you for who you are, not what function you fulfill for them.

But of course, that’s the ideal. That’s what a good parent gives the child. There are many inadequate parents all around the word, but perhaps in some cultures more so than in others.

So I hear you, SereneWolf. You’re asking what to work on in therapy:

Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed I don’t even know where to start. Especially when it comes to self image I don’t know how to work on it properly.
That reminds me.. since you know my patterns well (honestly more than I do), can you tell me what exact points I should raise with the therapist?

I think conditional love is one major problem: feeling worthy of love only if you have a job and are bringing in the money. You said you don’t even want to date while you don’t have a job, because you don’t feel good enough. So the feeling of not being good enough is a major one. And it’s been engraved into you both by your parents, grandparents and also the culture around you. That’s something to work on.

And the therapist would need to have an understanding of unconditional love and what true self-worth means. Because if they grew up in the same culture and don’t see a problem with this type of parenting and what it does to children, then they probably won’t be able to help you. It needs to be someone who “transcended” that culture and can support you in reclaiming your true worth and self-esteem.

So the goal would be to learn to love yourself for who you are, not what you can provide for others. Of course, you’re a caring person and you don’t have a problem with giving – but when you’re only loved when you give, when you perform, when you fulfill other people’s expectations – that’s very crushing for the soul. And it kills self-esteem. So you’d need to heal that.

I hope you find a good therapist… BTW what was the problem with the previous two? You said they were very generic…

In the meanwhile, if you want to talk, I’m here… Take care!