Hi Tee,

Oh wow, congratulations! I’ve checked the Statue of Unity (didn’t even know about it), and oh my, it’s 182 m high, which is almost double the height of Statue of Liberty! Must admit, it’s not that beautiful :), but it is impressive, for sure. How did you cope with the high temperatures that were measured in India recently?

Yup it’s not that awesomely beautiful statue. But that man helped the India how it is now otherwise it would like Europe now. So many countries. Sardar Patel made all the small and medium size to big states sign the treaty to join India. That’s why it’s called statue of Unity.

It’s starting of the Monsoon season here, and actually because of the heat I decided to move to a city with a better weather. (I’m already in train as I’m writing this)

Thanks, my back is now behaving a little better fortunately, so it’s the knee that is giving me the most trouble. I hope it’s temporary and not some big setback.

Ah I hope so too. Try to have more calcium rich food it may work.

Does it mean you’ll be living like a digital nomad, working remotely from various places, not having a fixed address? And for how long are you planning that?

Yes. I’m planning to live as a Digital nomad as least for 2-3 years. Until I finish my travel bucket list. After that I’ll decide where I want to stay. Like good and peaceful place for a family to grow. As of now India doesn’t seem like it for long term.

So is that what you have in mind for your next phase? Or how exactly do you envision your love life in the next phase?

That’s a hard question to answer. And you may still think that I’m being too much hopeful. But I think love of my life will just come. If it’s written in my destiny she isn’t going anywhere. We’ll meet when the time is right. So, I don’t have like a foolproof plan for how to find love during my travel journey. But just a hope that it’ll happen.
During the journey my work wouldn’t be finding love, but try to find my own self. Enjoy the mother nature. Be in the present and know that I’m part of this big ever-changing universe.

I also know that during my journey I’ll also meet lot of people and I’ll create lot of connections. So who knows it could be one of them? Only time will tell.

Well, if you didn’t miss her, why were you angry that she is playing games with you and sending you confusing vibes?

Because she said stuff like that and then acted like nothing happened.

This doesn’t sound like you didn’t really care about her. It sounds like you care, and you are hurt and angry that she is playing hot and cold. But you pretended not to care, by replying sarcastically: “well, who’s stopping you to contact me?” You didn’t express your vulnerability (e.g. you didn’t say “I miss you too”), or your upset, by you pretended not to care whether she writes or not.

Yes because like I said I’m being logical and seeing the end result here? Why should I put energy into those things If I don’t want go deeper into that relationship? I don’t even like her that much.

That’s why I asked you to be honest with yourself. To acknowledge your feelings – not necessarily to her, but to yourself. To acknowledge that she did stir interest in you, that she does seem mysterious and exciting in a way, and that it doesn’t feel good when she is playing games with you and playing with your feelings. But also, that you don’t like her drinking and smoking and I don’t know what else you object to.

Okay you’re right about this. I kept shutting up myself like shut up she’s not your type so don’t hype up about her, don’t think about her. Don’t get excited. But yeah, reality is she did stir interest in me a lot At first. Now that interest is faded. After knowing she keeps repeating her mistakes. She’s quite childish and angry and no improvement in her even after years of therapy. And it’s not just about her in this. But I’m being selfish here. Why should I put time and energy for this? She’s older than me. She knows what’s right and wrong. I’ll just let her be. Because if I’m in her or not it wouldn’t make much difference.

Perhaps write it all down: everything you feel about her. Like in that exercise by Anna Runkle (youtube channel “Crappy Childhood Fairy”, her “Daily practice” exercise).

So what I am suggesting is to be more honest with yourself about how you’re feeling. Don’t share those emotions with her – don’t show your vulnerability to her – because she might not deserve it. But be honest with yourself, allow yourself to feel those emotions, don’t stuff them down immediately.

You’ve been stuffing down your emotions for so long, and now it’s time to let them flow – to feel them. I think you now have the capacity to let them flow through you and not be overwhelmed. You’ve grown a lot in the recent years and developed that capacity.

Remember, you are allowed to feel those feelings, and you don’t need to hide them, because neither your mother or your father are watching you. You can feel whatever you feel, and that’s okay.

And as I said, you can start writing down your feelings, to make them more contained and less all over the place. It’s something you do only for yourself, for your own healing.

Thanks, you’re right this is something also I really need to work on. When something like this happens, I just deny my feelings, Like what? This can’t be me. So I should be more honest with myself and accept that it’s okay to simply allow those human emotions. It’s normal.

I think there should be some good journaling course. Because there are times when I’m able to write down what I’m feeling but sometimes if I’m overwhelmed with lot of emotions at once it’s not easy to put it on paper.

And no I won’t be vulnerable with her. Like you said because I feel like she doesn’t deserve it.

Salute Tee,

I hope your health is getting better?

Does it mean you’re planning your trips and explorations outside of India as well? Or the bucket list includes India only, and then you plan to settle somewhere abroad?

Obviously bucket list includes the Worldwide places. Mainly Europe and Southeast Asia though. Some South America and few places in USA.

What you are describing is a very beautiful idea: to find your true self on your travels, and be one with mother nature and the universe. And if in that state of Being, you find someone who clicks with you and can Be (herself) alongside of you, that’s what you’re actually hoping for, right?

I just want to juxtapose this idealistic, romantic view with the idea of casual sex and “see ya senorita”, which you mentioned as a preferred approach during your travels. You cannot meet “the one” – who might be written for you in the stars – if you engage in casual sex with random girls you meet on your travels. You also cannot meet “the one” while in deadly fear of intimacy.

So you would have to choose which path to take. The path of trust (in the universe, to bring you closer to “the one”), or the path of fear, where you opt for casual sex and no strings attached.

Yes like I said intentions matters. And I’m not travelling just for casual sex. But let me give you an example what I mean, Like if I met some girl during my journey we hit it off at first, We kinda start dating and explore places together might even physically involved. But after sometime I’d find out that I’m still not feeling that connection & warmth with her as I’d like in a relationship even If I don’t let my fear of intimacy come in between. In that case what I’d do? Force the connection? Or just appreciate moments with her and move on?
and In that case physical involvement would described as casual sex? Again, It’s not a need but I noticed that these things happens in the moment. Because it happened with me in the past.

In fact, when you meet “the one”, you’ll want to be attached to her with as many strings as possible, and for as long as possible… so actually, to be attached and bonded to the right person is a good and beneficial state of Being. It is called true love. But it cannot happen if you are afraid of those “strings”, i.e. of attachment to someone who deserves your love.

Yes that’s what I’m thinking! Like I believe she will make attached to her yet it would feel so natural. It wouldn’t feel like I’m giving her the control to hurt. But more like here’s my lil heart I trust you to take care of it and there would be no fear. Just thinking about making me go full of joy haha

In this case, your being on guard was justified because you saw the behaviors you don’t like (some of what you mentioned is: childish, angry, drinking, smoking, sending confusing vibes). So there was a reason to be on guard and not follow your emotions, even if she seemed exciting and mysterious at first.

So that’s cool that you didn’t throw away your rational mind but included it in the decision making. Because we need both the heart and the mind when deciding about important matters, including matters of the heart.

 

Thanks, and I’m not regretting it. Because I want to be around the woman who make me feel like yeah good woman do exist.
Although it’s same for woman though, I keep hearing from my female friends that there hardly good man left on earth lol

What I was warning you about is not to stuff down your emotions in general, even if you meet a girl that you like and whose behavior doesn’t raise red flags. When things are fine, and she seems fine, but then the fear in you awakens, and you start pretending like you don’t care.

I remember that with the doctor, you failed to write to her during your entire stay at your parents’ place, which was for more than a week, if I remember well? She was upset about it, and I’d say rightfully – because you were officially in a relationship.

I don’t know what you felt about her, but if you failed to write because you didn’t want to seem needy and like you cared too much – that’s a defense mechanism. That’s when your avoidance stems not from proper discernment, but from fear.

So I just wanted to make that difference.

Yeah you’re right about that that was my mistake and I guess at that time I unconsciously just played around relationship game listening to one of my female friend. But I won’t make that mistake again. Clear communication is very important in every relationship. Romantic or Friendship. But to update you on that one nowadays I reduced my communication with friends a lot. And I only talk to one of my female friends who is quite younger than me so it kind of also helps because she make me remember my teenage days and what silly and fun things we used to do.

Yes, you can allow yourself to feel, but you also don’t need to switch off your rational mind. Like, you are not completely swept off your feet that you throw away all common sense through the window. But I guess there is a little probability for the latter, since being careful, rational and on guard is your default “setting” 🙂

Haha that’s what you think for my current “setting”? But yeah something similar I guess

So I am encouraging you to keep using your common sense, also when it comes to romantic relationships. But also not to give in to fear if there is no real objection to the girl, but you suddenly start feeling trapped and you want out. Because that’s the fear speaking, not common sense.

Also, I think it would be important to express if something is bothering you about the girl. For example, if she is always late, you can say “I don’t like that you are always late. I’d appreciate if you arrived on time.”

Yes exactly instead just being angry or using the silent treatment. Like I need to express what’s really bothering me.

Because if I understood you correctly, you have difficulty with expressing when something bothers you. You rather take it a danger signal and start withdrawing immediately, and shutting down vulnerability (as a part of your fearful avoidant attachment), rather than talking to the girl and expressing what is bothering you.

Because she might not be doing it on purpose, but because she isn’t aware that it bothers you. And she would be willing to change that behavior if she knew it bothers you.

But if you don’t say anything but start feeling resentful, you sort of circumvent vulnerability, because admitting that something bothers us is vulnerable. Because we might be rejected or ridiculed or told that we are too sensitive. We might be accused to being weak if we admit that something bothers us.

Something very important! So does that mean even though I feel like I don’t need that person, Unconsciously just the fear of rejection or want for the acceptance makes me stop being vulnerable?

I actually stumbled upon a book because of the YT called Courage to be disliked it’s already on my reading list.

So I guess expressing our boundaries makes us vulnerable in a way. But it’s a must for communicating clearly and remaining emotionally intimate – remaining both true to ourselves (authentic) and open towards the other person.

So we don’t betray ourselves (and our needs), but we also don’t withdraw from the person. We express what we need. That’s how emotional intimacy is maintained.

Definitely and that balance is something I’m struggling with

So I guess a part of the exercise of allowing yourself to feel your emotions, is not only allowing yourself to feel excitement about a girl, but also to feel angry and hurt about something that she is doing, that you don’t like.

Agree and those bad emotions what I was trying to reject but it was there

You don’t suppress your anger and pretend it’s not there (because that’s what you were doing in your first LDR), but you express what is bothering you. And then if you see they keep doing it again and again, with no regard for your feelings, and it’s something that is important to you, you may want to consider whether you want to be with that girl or not.

Understood.

So in general, allowing yourself to feel all emotions, not stuffing them down, is the way to go (of course, you don’t need to show your raw emotions to everyone. But feel them and acknowledge them – for yourself).

BTW feeling all emotions is the way to decide what we want. Without being in touch with our emotions we cannot make good decisions.

That was even scientifically proven by a neuroscientist Antonio Damasio. He discovered that in patients who had a specific brain injury, due to which their neocortex wasn’t receiving signals from their limbic and reptilian brains (our emotional brain), the person lost interpersonal skills, the ability to read social cues, as well as the ability to make decisions. Which means that we need emotions to know what is good and bad for us – we cannot rely only on our rational mind.

 

That’s very interesting and I think that’s also has to do something with naming our emotions? Because lot of times I would be feeling lot of different things at the same time so journaling and naming and then acknowledging those emotions?

If you go to youtube and search for “Crappy Childhood Fairy Daily Practice”, you’ll get several useful videos, including the one titled “FREE Course: The “Daily Practice” for Healing Childhood PTSD and CPTSD“. In the description of that video is the link to the free “Daily Practice” course. Which is basically the way to journal about your emotions. You write about things that you are afraid of and things that you are resentful about. So basically you journal about your fear and anger. And lots of good stuff comes out of it 🙂

Thanks for sharing! I checked it out and I think I did try that before as well but I didn’t sticked to this habit. Now I’ll try to. And it does work very well I remember that. I also took an online CPTSD test again and the score is 38/80
0-32 = None-low
33-80 = Likelihood of CPTSD
also checked again for ADHD test. It says Mild ADHD but I feel some of ADHD symptoms are quite bothersome

And because of that I’m thinking about starting Bullet Journaling

BTW I hope I am not burdening you with these “tractates” (because I see this ended up being a looong post again). I sometimes tend to go overboard in trying to explain my point 🙂 Anyway, let me know if I should cut down a little 🙂

It’s fine as long as you’re okay with it. Just take care of your eyes and back too haha