HomeāForumsāEmotional MasteryāFeels like Time is passing too fast
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SereneWolf.
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June 23, 2024 at 3:39 am #434148
Tee
ParticipantHi SereneWolf,
Ohh Iām sorry to hear that. Knee and back pain, both. Thatās hard to deal with. I hope you find the strength to deal with that pain. Try to rest as much as you can and donāt push yourself too much. I hope your pain eases up soon.
Thanks, my back is now behaving a little better fortunately, so it’s the knee that is giving me the most trouble. I hope it’s temporary and not some big setback.
To get to the essence, I understand your point of view. But are you suggesting me to find someone and have a committed relationship just when I started my travelling journey? Like I mentioned I donāt want LDR again.
Does it mean you’ll be living like a digital nomad, working remotely from various places, not having a fixed address? And for how long are you planning that?
Your focus in the next period will be very much on traveling, right? But you seem eager to have a relationship too. In my last post, I misunderstood you and thought that by casual, you meant FWB. But you say: FWB for me is more than casual sex.
Which means that when you said:
With Casual I can at least be straight forward and clear like hey Iām working on myself and I canāt commit with you for a full fledge relationship but I wouldnāt mind spending a good time with you if youāre okay with it.
— you meant casual sex, right? Like no strings attached? No games and confusing vibes?
You’ve actually talked about it before, half-jokingly:
If Iād be just dating a local woman from the city that Iām staying. Itās also good for activities and time spending outside the work. So spending good time together and some sweet memories and then say see ya senorita on the next adventureā¦
So is that what you have in mind for your next phase? Or how exactly do you envision your love life in the next phase?
I donāt understand whatās wrong in telling āwell if you miss me, why donāt you write more?ā Because I didnāt missed talking to her that much.
Well, if you didn’t miss her, why were you angry that she is playing games with you and sending you confusing vibes?
she makes me angry too. Like on Weekend she texted like She missed talking to me. I replied whoās stopping you? and then she replies me for that 2 days after with a funny IG reel. And I have much better things to do than focusing on someone like her who isnāt sure of anything and changes colour like a chamaeleon. Like Iām exhausted with dating games. Like if itās a Yes or no. and confusing vibes.
she have many options so maybe thatās why she be playing games like who wins and I donāt want to be a part of that game
This doesn’t sound like you didn’t really care about her. It sounds like you care, and you are hurt and angry that she is playing hot and cold. But you pretended not to care, by replying sarcastically: “well, who’s stopping you to contact me?” You didn’t express your vulnerability (e.g. you didn’t say “I miss you too”), or your upset, by you pretended not to care whether she writes or not.
That’s why I asked you to be honest with yourself. To acknowledge your feelings – not necessarily to her, but to yourself. To acknowledge that she did stir interest in you, that she does seem mysterious and exciting in a way, and that it doesn’t feel good when she is playing games with you and playing with your feelings. But also, that you don’t like her drinking and smoking and I don’t know what else you object to.
Perhaps write it all down: everything you feel about her. Like in that exercise by Anna Runkle (youtube channel “Crappy Childhood Fairy”, her “Daily practice” exercise).
So what I am suggesting is to be more honest with yourself about how you’re feeling. Don’t share those emotions with her – don’t show your vulnerability to her – because she might not deserve it. But be honest with yourself, allow yourself to feel those emotions, don’t stuff them down immediately.
You’ve been stuffing down your emotions for so long, and now it’s time to let them flow – to feel them. I think you now have the capacity to let them flow through you and not be overwhelmed. You’ve grown a lot in the recent years and developed that capacity.
Remember, you are allowed to feel those feelings, and you don’t need to hide them, because neither your mother or your father are watching you. You can feel whatever you feel, and that’s okay.
And as I said, you can start writing down your feelings, to make them more contained and less all over the place. It’s something you do only for yourself, for your own healing.
June 23, 2024 at 3:45 am #434149Tee
Participant*typo, it should be like this:
but you pretended not to care whether she writes or not.
June 24, 2024 at 11:39 am #434174SereneWolf
ParticipantHi Tee,
Oh wow, congratulations! Iāve checked the Statue of Unity (didnāt even know about it), and oh my, itās 182 m high, which is almost double the height of Statue of Liberty! Must admit, itās not that beautiful :), but it is impressive, for sure. How did you cope with the high temperatures that were measured in India recently?
Yup itās not that awesomely beautiful statue. But that man helped the India how it is now otherwise it would like Europe now. So many countries. Sardar Patel made all the small and medium size to big states sign the treaty to join India. Thatās why itās called statue of Unity.
It’s starting of the Monsoon season here, and actually because of the heat I decided to move to a city with a better weather. (Iām already in train as Iām writing this)
Thanks, my back is now behaving a little better fortunately, so itās the knee that is giving me the most trouble. I hope itās temporary and not some big setback.
Ah I hope so too. Try to have more calcium rich food it may work.
Ā
Does it mean youāll be living like a digital nomad, working remotely from various places, not having a fixed address? And for how long are you planning that?
Yes. Iām planning to live as a Digital nomad as least for 2-3 years. Until I finish my travel bucket list. After that Iāll decide where I want to stay. Like good and peaceful place for a family to grow. As of now India doesnāt seem like it for long term.
So is that what you have in mind for your next phase? Or how exactly do you envision your love life in the next phase?
Thatās a hard question to answer. And you may still think that Iām being too much hopeful. But I think love of my life will just come. If itās written in my destiny she isnāt going anywhere. Weāll meet when the time is right. So, I donāt have like a foolproof plan for how to find love during my travel journey. But just a hope that itāll happen.
During the journey my work wouldnāt be finding love, but try to find my own self. Enjoy the mother nature. Be in the present and know that Iām part of this big ever-changing universe.I also know that during my journey Iāll also meet lot of people and Iāll create lot of connections. So who knows it could be one of them? Only time will tell.
Well, if you didnāt miss her, why were you angry that she is playing games with you and sending you confusing vibes?
Because she said stuff like that and then acted like nothing happened.
Ā
This doesnāt sound like you didnāt really care about her. It sounds like you care, and you are hurt and angry that she is playing hot and cold. But you pretended not to care, by replying sarcastically: āwell, whoās stopping you to contact me?ā You didnāt express your vulnerability (e.g. you didnāt say āI miss you tooā), or your upset, by you pretended not to care whether she writes or not.
Yes because like I said Iām being logical and seeing the end result here? Why should I put energy into those things If I donāt want go deeper into that relationship? I donāt even like her that much.
Thatās why I asked you to be honest with yourself. To acknowledge your feelings ā not necessarily to her, but to yourself. To acknowledge that she did stir interest in you, that she does seem mysterious and exciting in a way, and that it doesnāt feel good when she is playing games with you and playing with your feelings. But also, that you donāt like her drinking and smoking and I donāt know what else you object to.
Okay youāre right about this. I kept shutting up myself like shut up sheās not your type so donāt hype up about her, donāt think about her. Donāt get excited. But yeah, reality is she did stir interest in me a lot At first. Now that interest is faded. After knowing she keeps repeating her mistakes. Sheās quite childish and angry and no improvement in her even after years of therapy. And itās not just about her in this. But Iām being selfish here. Why should I put time and energy for this? Sheās older than me. She knows whatās right and wrong. Iāll just let her be. Because if Iām in her or not it wouldnāt make much difference.
Perhaps write it all down: everything you feel about her. Like in that exercise by Anna Runkle (youtube channel āCrappy Childhood Fairyā, her āDaily practiceā exercise).
So what I am suggesting is to be more honest with yourself about how youāre feeling. Donāt share those emotions with her ā donāt show your vulnerability to her ā because she might not deserve it. But be honest withĀ yourself, allow yourself to feel those emotions, donāt stuff them down immediately.
Youāve been stuffing down your emotions for so long, and now itās time to let them flow ā to feel them. I think you now have the capacity to let them flow through you and not be overwhelmed. Youāve grown a lot in the recent years and developed that capacity.
Remember, you are allowed to feel those feelings, and you donāt need to hide them, because neither your mother or your father are watching you. You can feel whatever you feel, and thatās okay.
And as I said, you can start writing down your feelings, to make them more contained and less all over the place. Itās something you do only for yourself, for your own healing.
Thanks, youāre right this is something also I really need to work on. When something like this happens, I just deny my feelings, Like what? This canāt be me. So I should be more honest with myself and accept that itās okay to simply allow those human emotions. Itās normal.
I think there should be some good journaling course. Because there are times when Iām able to write down what Iām feeling but sometimes if Iām overwhelmed with lot of emotions at once itās not easy to put it on paper.
And no I wonāt be vulnerable with her. Like you said because I feel like she doesnāt deserve it.
June 25, 2024 at 2:21 am #434192Tee
ParticipantHi SereneWolf,
Yup itās not that awesomely beautiful statue. But that man helped the India how it is now otherwise it would like Europe now. So many countries. Sardar Patel made all the small and medium size to big states sign the treaty to join India. Thatās why itās called statue of Unity.
I see. I’ve looked him up – he was a prominent figure in the Indian independence movement, together with Mahatma Gandhi. He organized non-violent civil disobedience movement in his home sate of Gujarat against the British rule. And later he was instrumental in uniting the various princely states to join the independent India. Cool!
I am glad you had a good time in Gujarat but are now moving to a place with a better climate!
Yes. Iām planning to live as a Digital nomad as least for 2-3 years. Until I finish my travel bucket list. After that Iāll decide where I want to stay. Like good and peaceful place for a family to grow. As of now India doesnāt seem like it for long term.
Does it mean you’re planning your trips and explorations outside of India as well? Or the bucket list includes India only, and then you plan to settle somewhere abroad?
Thatās a hard question to answer. And you may still think that Iām being too much hopeful. But I think love of my life will just come. If itās written in my destiny she isnāt going anywhere. Weāll meet when the time is right. So, I donāt have like a foolproof plan for how to find love during my travel journey. But just a hope that itāll happen.
During the journey my work wouldnāt be finding love, but try to find my own self. Enjoy the mother nature. Be in the present and know that Iām part of this big ever-changing universe.
No, I don’t think you are too idealistic to believe that your true love is waiting somewhere for you. And that you’ll meet her when the time is right.
What you are describing is a very beautiful idea: to find your true self on your travels, and be one with mother nature and the universe. And if in that state of Being, you find someone who clicks with you and can Be (herself) alongside of you, that’s what you’re actually hoping for, right?
I just want to juxtapose this idealistic, romantic view with the idea of casual sex and “see ya senorita”, which you mentioned as a preferred approach during your travels. You cannot meet “the one” – who might be written for you in the stars – if you engage in casual sex with random girls you meet on your travels. You also cannot meet “the one” while in deadly fear of intimacy.
So you would have to choose which path to take. The path of trust (in the universe, to bring you closer to “the one”), or the path of fear, where you opt for casual sex and no strings attached.
In fact, when you meet “the one”, you’ll want to be attached to her with as many strings as possible, and for as long as possible… so actually, to be attached and bonded to the right person is a good and beneficial state of Being. It is called true love. But it cannot happen if you are afraid of those “strings”, i.e. of attachment to someone who deserves your love.
Okay youāre right about this. I kept shutting up myself like shut up sheās not your type so donāt hype up about her, donāt think about her. Donāt get excited. But yeah, reality is she did stir interest in me a lot At first. Now that interest is faded. After knowing she keeps repeating her mistakes. Sheās quite childish and angry and no improvement in her even after years of therapy. And itās not just about her in this. But Iām being selfish here. Why should I put time and energy for this?
Fair enough. You felt intrigued at first, but then you saw some of her behavior, which she keeps repeating, and you don’t like it. And it’s totally okay to use your discernment and say “no, I don’t want this, I don’t need this type of girl.”
And in that case, it’s okay if you act somewhat cold with her when she writes. I just thought you still have feelings for her because you said you got angry that she is playing games with you and sending you confusing vibes.
But it seems that you kind of accepted that she is like that, and you’re not expecting too much from her, except occasional chat (Weāre not enemies so we can talk sometime and thatās about it.).
In this case, your being on guard was justified because you saw the behaviors you don’t like (some of what you mentioned is: childish, angry, drinking, smoking, sending confusing vibes). So there was a reason to be on guard and not follow your emotions, even if she seemed exciting and mysterious at first.
So that’s cool that you didn’t throw away your rational mind but included it in the decision making. Because we need both the heart and the mind when deciding about important matters, including matters of the heart.
What I was warning you about is not to stuff down your emotions in general, even if you meet a girl that you like and whose behavior doesn’t raise red flags. When things are fine, and she seems fine, but then the fear in you awakens, and you start pretending like you don’t care.
I remember that with the doctor, you failed to write to her during your entire stay at your parents’ place, which was for more than a week, if I remember well? She was upset about it, and I’d say rightfully ā because you were officially in a relationship.
I don’t know what you felt about her, but if you failed to write because you didnāt want to seem needy and like you cared too much ā that’s a defense mechanism. That’s when your avoidance stems not from proper discernment, but from fear.
So I just wanted to make that difference.
Thanks, youāre right this is something also I really need to work on. When something like this happens, I just deny my feelings, Like what? This canāt be me. So I should be more honest with myself and accept that itās okay to simply allow those human emotions. Itās normal.
Yes, you can allow yourself to feel, but you also don’t need to switch off your rational mind. Like, you are not completely swept off your feet that you throw away all common sense through the window. But I guess there is a little probability for the latter, since being careful, rational and on guard is your default “setting” š
So I am encouraging you to keep using your common sense, also when it comes to romantic relationships. But also not to give in to fear if there is no real objection to the girl, but you suddenly start feeling trapped and you want out. Because that’s the fear speaking, not common sense.
Also, I think it would be important to express if something is bothering you about the girl. For example, if she is always late, you can say “I don’t like that you are always late. I’d appreciate if you arrived on time.”
Because if I understood you correctly, you have difficulty with expressing when something bothers you. You rather take it a danger signal and start withdrawing immediately, and shutting down vulnerability (as a part of your fearful avoidant attachment), rather than talking to the girl and expressing what is bothering you.
Because she might not be doing it on purpose, but because she isn’t aware that it bothers you. And she would be willing to change that behavior if she knew it bothers you.
But if you don’t say anything but start feeling resentful, you sort of circumvent vulnerability, because admitting that something bothers us is vulnerable. Because we might be rejected or ridiculed or told that we are too sensitive. We might be accused to being weak if we admit that something bothers us.
So I guess expressing our boundaries makes us vulnerable in a way. But it’s a must for communicating clearly and remaining emotionally intimate ā remaining both true to ourselves (authentic) and open towards the other person.
So we don’t betray ourselves (and our needs), but we also don’t withdraw from the person. We express what we need. That’s how emotional intimacy is maintained.
So I guess a part of the exercise of allowing yourself to feel your emotions, is not only allowing yourself to feel excitement about a girl, but also to feel angry and hurt about something that she is doing, that you don’t like.
You don’t suppress your anger and pretend it’s not there (because that’s what you were doing in your first LDR), but you express what is bothering you. And then if you see they keep doing it again and again, with no regard for your feelings, and it’s something that is important to you, you may want to consider whether you want to be with that girl or not.
So in general, allowing yourself to feel all emotions, not stuffing them down, is the way to go (of course, you don’t need to show your raw emotions to everyone. But feel them and acknowledge them – for yourself).
BTW feeling all emotions is the way to decide what we want. Without being in touch with our emotions we cannot make good decisions.
That was even scientifically proven by a neuroscientist Antonio Damasio. He discovered that in patients who had a specific brain injury, due to which their neocortex wasnāt receiving signals from their limbic and reptilian brains (our emotional brain), the person lost interpersonal skills, the ability to read social cues, as well as the ability to make decisions. Which means that we need emotions to know what is good and bad for us ā we cannot rely only on our rational mind.
I think there should be some good journaling course. Because there are times when Iām able to write down what Iām feeling but sometimes if Iām overwhelmed with lot of emotions at once itās not easy to put it on paper.
If you go to youtube and search for “Crappy Childhood Fairy Daily Practice”, you’ll get several useful videos, including the one titled “FREE Course: The “Daily Practice” for Healing Childhood PTSD and CPTSD“. In the description of that video is the link to the free “Daily Practice” course. Which is basically the way to journal about your emotions. You write about things that you are afraid of and things that you are resentful about. So basically you journal about your fear and anger. And lots of good stuff comes out of it š
And no I wonāt be vulnerable with her. Like you said because I feel like she doesnāt deserve it.
Good. It does seem she has many issues (including the drinking problem), and isn’t really someone you could have a healthy relationship with. So it’s better to stay away and as you said, have a superficial contact.
BTW I hope I am not burdening you with these “tractates” (because I see this ended up being a looong post again). I sometimes tend to go overboard in trying to explain my point š Anyway, let me know if I should cut down a little š
July 1, 2024 at 3:59 am #434467SereneWolf
ParticipantSalute Tee,
I hope your health is getting better?
Does it mean youāre planning your trips and explorations outside of India as well? Or the bucket list includes India only, and then you plan to settle somewhere abroad?
Obviously bucket list includes the Worldwide places. Mainly Europe and Southeast Asia though. Some South America and few places in USA.
Ā
What you are describing is a very beautiful idea: to find your true self on your travels, and be one with mother nature and the universe. And if in that state of Being, you find someone who clicks with you and can Be (herself) alongside of you, thatās what youāre actually hoping for, right?
I just want to juxtapose this idealistic, romantic view with the idea of casual sex and āsee ya senoritaā, which you mentioned as a preferred approach during your travels. You cannot meet āthe oneā ā who might be written for you in the stars ā if you engage in casual sex with random girls you meet on your travels. You also cannot meet āthe oneā while in deadly fear of intimacy.
So you would have to choose which path to take. The path of trust (in the universe, to bring you closer to āthe oneā), or the path of fear, where you opt for casual sex and no strings attached.
Yes like I said intentions matters. And Iām not travelling just for casual sex. But let me give you an example what I mean, Like if I met some girl during my journey we hit it off at first, We kinda start dating and explore places together might even physically involved. But after sometime Iād find out that Iām still not feeling that connection & warmth with her as Iād like in a relationship even If I donāt let my fear of intimacy come in between. In that case what Iād do? Force the connection? Or just appreciate moments with her and move on?
and In that case physical involvement would described as casual sex? Again, Itās not a need but I noticed that these things happens in the moment. Because it happened with me in the past.In fact, when you meet āthe oneā, youāll want to be attached to her with as many strings as possible, and for as long as possibleā¦ so actually, to be attached and bonded to the right person is a good and beneficial state of Being. It is called true love. But it cannot happen if you are afraid of those āstringsā, i.e. of attachment to someone who deserves your love.
Yes thatās what Iām thinking! Like I believe she will make attached to her yet it would feel so natural. It wouldnāt feel like Iām giving her the control to hurt. But more like hereās my lil heart I trust you to take care of it and there would be no fear. Just thinking about making me go full of joy haha
Ā
In this case, your being on guard was justified because you saw the behaviors you donāt like (some of what you mentioned is: childish, angry, drinking, smoking, sending confusing vibes). So there was a reason to be on guard and not follow your emotions, even if she seemed exciting and mysterious at first.
So thatās cool that you didnāt throw away your rational mind but included it in the decision making. Because we need both the heart and the mind when deciding about important matters, including matters of the heart.
Thanks, and Iām not regretting it. Because I want to be around the woman who make me feel like yeah good woman do exist.
Although itās same for woman though, I keep hearing from my female friends that there hardly good man left on earth lolWhat I was warning you about is not to stuff down your emotions in general, even if you meet a girl that you like and whose behavior doesnāt raise red flags. When things are fine, and she seems fine, but then the fear in you awakens, and you start pretending like you donāt care.
I remember that with the doctor, you failed to write to her during your entire stay at your parentsā place, which was for more than a week, if I remember well? She was upset about it, and Iād say rightfully ā because you were officially in a relationship.
I donāt know what you felt about her, but if you failed to write because you didnāt want to seem needy and like you cared too much ā thatās a defense mechanism. Thatās when your avoidance stems not from proper discernment, but from fear.
So I just wanted to make that difference.
Yeah youāre right about that that was my mistake and I guess at that time I unconsciously just played around relationship game listening to one of my female friend. But I wonāt make that mistake again. Clear communication is very important in every relationship. Romantic or Friendship. But to update you on that one nowadays I reduced my communication with friends a lot. And I only talk to one of my female friends who is quite younger than me so it kind of also helps because she make me remember my teenage days and what silly and fun things we used to do.
Ā
Yes, you can allow yourself to feel, but you also donāt need to switch off your rational mind. Like, you are not completely swept off your feet that you throw away all common sense through the window. But I guess there is a little probability for the latter, since being careful, rational and on guard is your default āsettingā š
Haha thatās what you think for my current āsettingā? But yeah something similar I guess
So I am encouraging you to keep using your common sense, also when it comes to romantic relationships. But also not to give in to fear if there is no real objection to the girl, but you suddenly start feeling trapped and you want out. Because thatās the fear speaking, not common sense.
Also, I think it would be important to express if something is bothering you about the girl. For example, if she is always late, you can say āI donāt like that you are always late. Iād appreciate if you arrived on time.ā
Yes exactly instead just being angry or using the silent treatment. Like I need to express whatās really bothering me.
Because if I understood you correctly, you have difficulty with expressing when something bothers you. You rather take it a danger signal and start withdrawing immediately, and shutting down vulnerability (as a part of your fearful avoidant attachment), rather than talking to the girl and expressing what is bothering you.
Because she might not be doing it on purpose, but because she isnāt aware that it bothers you. And she would be willing to change that behavior if she knew it bothers you.
But if you donāt say anything but start feeling resentful, you sort of circumvent vulnerability, because admitting that something bothers us is vulnerable. Because we might be rejected or ridiculed or told that we are too sensitive. We might be accused to being weak if we admit that something bothers us.
Something very important! So does that mean even though I feel like I donāt need that person, Unconsciously just the fear of rejection or want for the acceptance makes me stop being vulnerable?
I actually stumbled upon a book because of the YT called Courage to be disliked itās already on my reading list.
So I guess expressing our boundaries makes us vulnerable in a way. But itās a must for communicating clearly and remaining emotionally intimate ā remaining both true to ourselves (authentic)Ā andĀ open towards the other person.
So we donāt betray ourselves (and our needs), but we also donāt withdraw from the person. We express what we need. Thatās how emotional intimacy is maintained.
Definitely and that balance is something Iām struggling with
So I guess a part of the exercise of allowing yourself to feel your emotions, is not only allowing yourself to feel excitement about a girl, but also to feel angry and hurt about something that she is doing, that you donāt like.
Agree and those bad emotions what I was trying to reject but it was there
You donāt suppress your anger and pretend itās not there (because thatās what you were doing in your first LDR), but you express what is bothering you. And then if you see they keep doing it again and again, with no regard for your feelings, and itās something that is important to you, you may want to consider whether you want to be with that girl or not.
Understood.
So in general, allowing yourself to feelĀ allĀ emotions, not stuffing them down, is the way to go (of course, you donāt need to show your raw emotions to everyone. But feel them and acknowledge them ā for yourself).
BTW feeling all emotions is the way to decide what we want. Without being in touch with our emotions we cannot make good decisions.
That was even scientifically proven by a neuroscientist Antonio Damasio. He discovered that in patients who had a specific brain injury, due to which their neocortex wasnāt receiving signals from their limbic and reptilian brains (our emotional brain), the person lost interpersonal skills, the ability to read social cues, as well as the ability to make decisions. Which means that we need emotions to know what is good and bad for us ā we cannot rely only on our rational mind.
That’s very interesting and I think thatās also has to do something with naming our emotions? Because lot of times I would be feeling lot of different things at the same time so journaling and naming and then acknowledging those emotions?
If you go to youtube and search for āCrappy Childhood Fairy Daily Practiceā, youāll get several useful videos, including the one titled āFREE Course: The āDaily Practiceā for Healing Childhood PTSD and CPTSDā. In the description of that video is the link to the free āDaily Practiceā course. Which is basically the way to journal about your emotions. You write about things that you are afraid of and things that you are resentful about. So basically you journal about your fear and anger. And lots of good stuff comes out of it š
Thanks for sharing! I checked it out and I think I did try that before as well but I didnāt sticked to this habit. Now Iāll try to. And it does work very well I remember that. I also took an online CPTSD test again and the score is 38/80
0-32 = None-low
33-80 = Likelihood of CPTSD
also checked again for ADHD test. It says Mild ADHD but I feel some of ADHD symptoms are quite bothersomeAnd because of that Iām thinking about starting Bullet Journaling
BTW I hope I am not burdening you with these ātractatesā (because I see this ended up being a looong post again). I sometimes tend to go overboard in trying to explain my point š Anyway, let me know if I should cut down a little š
Itās fine as long as youāre okay with it. Just take care of your eyes and back too haha
July 2, 2024 at 2:25 am #434531SereneWolf
ParticipantI’d like add to feeling my emotions, I’ve been rationalizing a lot, Like Ā a tendency to disassociate myself a lot, whether through daydreaming or activities. So, I rationalize so much that I reach a point where I don’t know if my own rationalization is a way for me to disassociate too. And also, I have to try to understand much more how I have to feel, than what I’m feeling, because I don’t know what I’m feeling, so any conclusion of “which feelings makes more sense at this moment” would be my feeling right now.
And like when I was in therapy she told me something similar like you said she mentioned that this kind of existential crisis that happens is a form of rationalizing ā of having to make sense and rationalize my emotions by relating it to others– as opposed to when you cry because you’re sad or you’re laughing even when things are scary. she told me to feel my emotions when they come, and to not repress myself when I’m feeling upset because “it is better to feel yourself now than build unhealthy mechanisms and hurt yourself and others in the future” and I repressed myself for many many years as you know
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