HomeāForumsāEmotional MasteryāFeels like Time is passing too fast
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October 27, 2023 at 11:59 am #423794SereneWolfParticipant
Well just got an update for an interview. not selected for further round. š„²
I did had a good feeling about this one but oh wellOctober 28, 2023 at 1:42 am #423805TeeParticipantOh I am sorry, SereneWolf. I was hoping this time it would work out š
Did they say why you were not selected? Because you were pleased with how it went, you said it was even beyond your expectations. Although the interviewer didn’t ask many questions and as you said, had low energy.
The Technical interviewer had less energy and I was energetic, so I guess she did like that enthusiasm as well.
Maybe she was actually jealous of your enthusiasm and didn’t like it? It wouldn’t be your fault, of course, but maybe she is intimidated by people who seem more confident and energetic than she is?
In any case, I am very sorry. It’s their loss not hiring you, because you would have been a great asset… But anyway, you’ll find something else, something close to your heart, and hopefully very soon!
I’ll get back to you with the rest a bit later. Have a nice weekend!
November 1, 2023 at 6:47 am #424005TeeParticipantHi SereneWolf,
You have like your own little farm that you grow crops in? what plants are there?
No, I live in an apartment building. I meant that in general: that rain is good for the crops out there in the fields š
And youāre indeed much stronger than you think! No matter what your anxiety says to you.
Yeah, I guess so. It’s my learned helplessness that was telling me differently. That’s what I’ve realized recently: that I adopted learned helplessness in many areas of my life (due to my childhood and upbringing), and it’s been a slow process to “unlearn” it. The most recent but long-lasting example is my health problems, which triggered a lot of my childhood trauma.
And it actually occurred to me that you’re the opposite of me in that sense: whereas my “modus operandi” is learned helplessness (believing that I am weak, and relying too much on other people to help me/save me), yours seems to be excessive self-reliance, to the point to pushing other people away. In other words, I am too needy, while you seem to be not needing anyone, or rather, not wanting to need anyone.
Both of those are defense mechanisms to a similar type of childhood wounding, but they are on the opposite ends of the spectrum. You had a very criticizing father and a mother who didn’t protect you, whereas for me it was a very criticizing mother and a father who didn’t protect me. Your mother and my father were more interested in keeping the “peace” in the house, while less interested in their child’s well-being.
My father was more interested in appeasing my mother, than in protecting me. He would minimize and try to explain away my mother’s behavior. He was gaslighting both himself and me that what is happening is not a big deal. I believe your mother was the same?
Of course, when I was a child I didn’t know that my father’s silence meant that he isn’t able to confront my mother. Instead, I believed that I was the problem and that my mother is right. My father’s silence meant a confirmation that I was a faulty child, that something is wrong with me. So he was complicit in my mother’s emotional abuse. He was a silent bystander, even though he never personally treated me badly.
Anyway, I believe we got a double whammy of one abusive parent and the other silent/complicit. And it ruined our self-esteem, because the complicit parent didn’t protect us from the abusive one, and so the only message we’ve received was that we are bad and faulty. At least that’s the message I’ve received.
You did say your mother was kind and caring in many instances, and so was my father (specially when it was just the two of us spending time together, going on holidays, hikes etc). But when it comes to confronting my mother about her behavior (both towards me and towards himself), my father was weak. And so her message (that I am not good enough) never got counter-balanced by something positive.
Maybe I am repeating myself because we’ve been talking about this before. But it is what I’ve been thinking recently – how our defense mechanisms are on the opposite sides of the spectrum. Me: too dependent and needy. You: too “independent” and not wanting to need anyone.
And it was not that hard for you to opt for total self-reliance – because you were quite capable and managed to get out unscathed from many tough situations/adventures, without needing your parents to save you. Which I guess strengthened the sense that you don’t need them and can manage on your own (in lot of situations I was alone and I saved my own self. There are some situations where people did helped me but still..)
So once you were old enough (around 16), you stopped relying on your parents for physical survival and sustenance, and you moved out. You didn’t need them for emotional sustenance either, because they’ve hurt you, each in their own way. The result is that you became totally self-reliant. (In comparison, I still felt like a child at 20, and couldn’t imagine to move out and live independently.)
It’s not a bad thing if we’re physically/financially self-reliant (that’s something we should actually strive for as adults – to be able to support ourselves). But your self-reliance stretches into the emotional realm too (But basically for relationship youāre right Iāve been hurt and I was alone so I thought just myself is enough). And this is giving you trouble now…
So what you mean is a process of trusting first and even for me in relationship trust comes first and after that, love.
Well, trust has to be built. I was talking about the person having a track record of being trustworthy, e.g. of showing up when they’ve promised, of not laughing at you when you show vulnerability, of supporting you when something bad happens (e.g. when your cat died). After a while, you realize you can trust them that they won’t hurt you or betray you.
Maybe somewhere I still believe in fast love yet still have that feeling of security which isnāt right. My controlling behavior haha
Fast love can be infatuation – it’s when we have our rose-colored glasses on and idealize the person and fail to see the warning signs. But for you, I guess you’re afraid to fall in love – you are afraid to form an attachment to the person – because you are afraid they’d hurt you. I think that whenever we get attached to someone, we need something from them, and them disappearing from our lives would hurt us. So that’s a risk that you are not willing to take yet.
I think that’s why you don’t feel “fast love” – because you’re preventing yourself from falling in love, i.e. to form that attachment.
And slow love, like getting to know the person, building trust and love based on that. It seems long process but there is actually much higher probability.
Yes, and you’re actually getting to know her, and based on what you said, she seems trustworthy. But your fear doesn’t let you start trusting her. It doesn’t let you fall in love with her either.
But because I was already in many unhealthy relationship dynamics even that seems questionable and time wasting to me. So in a way Iām craving a heathy love yet still exhausted to actually put in efforts for healthy love. Me, Iām the problem itās me
Yes, it is š You’re seeing it clearly. Which is a good place to start healing š
I’ve got some ideas why you have so much mistrust, and I think it’s related to your mother not really supporting you, but making allegiance with your father (excusing his abusive behavior, and telling you to be the mature one and tolerate abuse). So it was a kind of betrayal.
How do you feel about all this? We can explore it some more, if you feel like it…
November 4, 2023 at 9:32 am #424781SereneWolfParticipantHi Tee,
No, I live in an apartment building. I meant that in general: that rain is good for the crops out there in the fields š
Oh I see, I agree though here I like the starting of the winter the cool breeze and lot of fresh green veggies available to cook
Yeah, I guess so. Itās my learned helplessness that was telling me differently. Thatās what Iāve realized recently: that I adopted learned helplessness in many areas of my life (due to my childhood and upbringing), and itās been a slow process to āunlearnā it. The most recent but long-lasting example is my health problems, which triggered a lot of my childhood trauma.
And it actually occurred to me that youāre the opposite of me in that sense: whereas my āmodus operandiā is learned helplessness (believing that I am weak, and relying too much on other people to help me/save me), yours seems to be excessive self-reliance, to the point to pushing other people away. In other words, I am too needy, while you seem to be not needing anyone, or rather, not wanting to need anyone.
Oh I see, I didnāt know so thanks for sharing. Then how can same kind of wound could have opposite ends of spectrum? Also in my case excessive self-reliance is depleting my energy quickly and burning me out time to time yet still attacking my self-esteem. Like Iād be like I can do it no matter what and then when Iām not able to I blame myself subconsciously. Because in my head Iām like what others can do? I have to rely on myself to get things done.
Because my trust issues adds up in this as well. But we can change our āmodus operandiā right? How you’re still coping with feeling helpless?Both of those are defense mechanisms to a similar type of childhood wounding, but they are on the opposite ends of the spectrum. You had a very criticizing father and a mother who didnāt protect you, whereas for me it was a very criticizing mother and a father who didnāt protect me. Your mother and my father were more interested in keeping the āpeaceā in the house, while less interested in their childās well-being.
My father was more interested in appeasing my mother, than in protecting me. He would minimize and try to explain away my motherās behavior. He was gaslighting both himself and me that what is happening is not a big deal. I believe your mother was the same?
Yeah, I guess my mother thought peace in the family means more than my protection or my mental health and to be honest even now my parents arenāt much aware about like mental health is a thing. They think if youāre getting basic needs, you should be happier and kind of materialistic happiness. Because of the small village mentality. Also My mother did told me most of her life all she did is just calm my fatherās anger because of relatives and other things going on. Which I think is very toxic on my fatherās side. I wouldnāt be able to bear that behaviour any longer thatās why I started living on my own much earlier. I guess she just didnāt think about standing up for herself. Which could be the same case for your father?
Of course, when I was a child I didnāt know that my fatherās silence meant that he isnāt able to confront my mother. Instead, I believed that I was the problem and that my mother is right. My fatherās silence meant a confirmation that I was a faulty child, that something is wrong with me. So he was complicit in my motherās emotional abuse. He was a silent bystander, even though he never personally treated me badly.
Anyway, I believe we got a double whammy of one abusive parent and the other silent/complicit. And it ruined our self-esteem, because the complicit parent didnāt protect us from the abusive one, and so the only message weāve received was that we are bad and faulty. At least thatās the message Iāve received.
Yeah thatās right and I think main issue here is our ruined self-esteem as a result which isnāt easier to heal faster. So now that you are aware that you werenāt the faulty child yet itās still rooted in you? Thatās what you mean?
In my case luckily itās not bad as before (But still) I do feel I have to achieve much more and Iām not good enough just yet.You did say your mother was kind and caring in many instances, and so was my father (specially when it was just the two of us spending time together, going on holidays, hikes etc). But when it comes to confronting my mother about her behavior (both towards me and towards himself), my father was weak. And so her message (that I am not good enough) never got counter-balanced by something positive.
Yeah I think my motherās behaviour was the same.
Maybe I am repeating myself because weāve been talking about this before. But it is what Iāve been thinking recently ā how our defense mechanisms are on the opposite sides of the spectrum. Me: too dependent and needy. You: too āindependentā and not wanting to need anyone.
And it was not that hard for you to opt for total self-reliance ā because you were quite capable and managed to get out unscathed from many tough situations/adventures, without needing your parents to save you. Which I guess strengthened the sense that you donāt need them and can manage on your own (in lot of situations I was alone and I saved my own self. There are some situations where people did helped me but still...)
So once you were old enough (around 16), you stopped relying on your parents for physical survival and sustenance, and you moved out. You didnāt need them for emotional sustenance either, because theyāve hurt you, each in their own way. The result is that you became totally self-reliant. (In comparison, I still felt like a child at 20, and couldnāt imagine to move out and live independently.)
Itās not a bad thing if weāre physically/financially self-reliant (thatās something we should actually strive for as adults ā to be able to support ourselves). But your self-reliance stretches into the emotional realm tooĀ (But basically for relationship youāre right Iāve been hurt and I was alone so I thought just myself is enough).Ā And this is giving you trouble nowā¦
I agree with you. And the thing is that I never been taught to give relationships priority you know. Thatās something I discovered after my earlier 20s that building relationships romantic or generally itās really important. And the self-reliance fueled that wrong belief even more. And the funny part is that I have trust issues even though till now Iāve met like really kind, helpful and amazing people. Generally takes me long to trust in the person. But what Iām glad about is that I was never into transactional relationships like Iām only helping you just because you helped me. I always have this mindset of If Iām able to help someone then Iām going to help. I donāt want something in return.
But in previous romantic relationship part I was like a fixing figure so that also didnāt fulfilled me either so..
Oh talking about that you know that women are more likely to fall in love when she have sex with the same person? But for men itās not the same. Doctor told me that š
I told her If she wants we can also stop physical things but she was like naah.. But anyways I guess weāre both little tired to find something more suitable for ourselves..
Well, trust has to be built. I was talking about the person having a track record of being trustworthy, e.g. of showing up when theyāve promised, of not laughing at you when you show vulnerability, of supporting you when something bad happens (e.g. when your cat died). After a while, you realize you can trust them that they wonāt hurt you or betray you.
Hmm in that case I did meet mostly the nice women. Doctor is extra nice and sensitive though. But I did get your point. And the thing is I guess my senses are stronger in that regard if Iām around disrespectful and insensitive type of women I wouldnāt even think about going out with her or even act aloof when she tries to get along with me. But I guess I do have to try to meet more women not just for romantic relationship but to remove my shyness to ask out someone when I actually like them
Fast love can be infatuation ā itās when we have our rose-colored glasses on and idealize the person and fail to see the warning signs. But for you, I guess youāre afraid to fall in love ā you are afraid to form an attachment to the person ā because you are afraid theyād hurt you. I think that whenever we get attached to someone, we need something from them, and them disappearing from our lives would hurt us. So thatās a risk that you are not willing to take yet.
I think thatās why you donāt feel āfast loveā ā because youāre preventing yourself from falling in love, i.e. to form that attachment.
Ohh right definitely I am afraid of falling in love. It feels like Iām trying to protecting too much or like not letting it loose enough you know.. and I donāt think I need something from them. But more like fear of wasting time and not working out and just dull over the time you know. Because again I still have the fear that Iām not getting any younger
Yes, and youāre actually getting to know her, and based on what you said, she seems trustworthy. But your fear doesnāt let you start trusting her. It doesnāt let you fall in love with her either.
Hmm I guess so.. and I do trust her. But somehow Iām still not trusting in this relationship working out with her
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Yes, it is š Youāre seeing it clearly. Which is a good place to start healing š
Iāve got some ideas why you have so much mistrust, and I think itās related to your mother not really supporting you, but making allegiance with your father (excusing his abusive behavior, and telling you to be the mature one and tolerate abuse). So it was a kind of betrayal.
How do you feel about all this? We can explore it some more, if you feel like itā¦
To be honest Iām not sure if thatās the root cause it may be I donāt knowā¦ and yeah we can explore
Maybe she was actually jealous of your enthusiasm and didnāt like it? It wouldnāt be your fault, of course, but maybe she is intimidated by people who seem more confident and energetic than she is?
In any case, I am very sorry. Itās their loss not hiring you, because you would have been a great assetā¦ But anyway, youāll find something else, something close to your heart, and hopefully very soon!
She did seem intimidated but I couldnāt just hide my enthusiasm because I practiced a lot and I was just more hopeful so..
Yeah thanks I hope so.. I took few days of break for applying. I didnāt just felt like it. I started applying again though so letās see.
February 20, 2024 at 3:34 am #427951SereneWolfParticipantHi Tee,
I hope you’re in good health. Just wanted to check in.
February 20, 2024 at 11:04 am #427968TeeParticipantHi SereneWolf,
ehhh I know, it’s been a long time, and I’ve disappeared again š
It’s mostly because of health issues, larger and smaller, which have been causing me health anxiety. It’s like I do have real health issues (I am not imagining it), but then my fear and worry about it make things worse. It occupies me, and it’s hard to focus on anything productive, including posting here on the forum.
So yeah, I am sorry for not responding and disappearing yet again… And I thank you for being so kind and checking in on me… I really appreciate it, SereneWolf.
How have you been?
February 26, 2024 at 3:39 am #428153TeeParticipantHey SereneWolf,
I’ve never replied to your last post in November, so I’ll try do it now…
Oh I see, I didnāt know so thanks for sharing. Then how can same kind of wound could have opposite ends of spectrum?
I think it can be compared to a reaction to a physical attack: one person runs away, another person fights back. The same trauma, diametrically opposite reactions. Same here: you felt strong enough not to need anything from your parents, whereas I felt too weak to do anything on my own.
Also in my case excessive self-reliance is depleting my energy quickly and burning me out time to time yet still attacking my self-esteem. Like Iād be like I can do it no matter what and then when Iām not able to I blame myself subconsciously.
I can imagine how excessive self-reliance is depleting you quickly. And then you blame yourself when you’re burnt out and haven’t succeeded in your (Herculean) task. You’re expecting a lot (too much) of yourself, you give yourself (too) big tasks, and then you’re putting yourself down when you don’t succeed. Would you agree with that?
Because in my head Iām like what others can do? I have to rely on myself to get things done.
I think that’s your core belief speaking: I have to rely on myself to get things done. No one will help me.
So your false core belief could be: I have to rely on myself.
Because my trust issues adds up in this as well. But we can change our āmodus operandiā right? How youāre still coping with feeling helpless?
Yes, we can change our modus operandi. A part of it is changing our false core beliefs. Mine would be “I am helpless”. Yours would be “I have to rely on myself”.
Yeah, I guess my mother thought peace in the family means more than my protection or my mental health and to be honest even now my parents arenāt much aware about like mental health is a thing. They think if youāre getting basic needs, you should be happier and kind of materialistic happiness. Because of the small village mentality.
Same here: peace (no conflict) was more important for my father, and they didn’t think mental health is that important. They were otherwise educated and all that, but still, it was long ago when I was a child, and they were still applying a lot of the “old school” upbringing methods, specially my mother.
Also My mother did told me most of her life all she did is just calm my fatherās anger because of relatives and other things going on. Which I think is very toxic on my fatherās side.
Yes, same here. My father was trying to calm down my mother, I think he believed she was emotionally fragile and would break down if he were stricter with her, i.e. if he set some boundaries. I think he was protecting her from mental breakdown, in fact. But he did us all a disservice, because he just enabled her toxic behavior, which had a huge negative impact on me (much more than on him, because he could disconnect and emotionally numb himself, which he did. But I couldn’t – I grew up in it and it formed me.)
I guess she just didnāt think about standing up for herself. Which could be the same case for your father?
Yeah, I think the key issue for my father was his own upbringing with a “martyr” covert narcissistic mother and him always suppressing his needs to trying to make his mother happy. That was what formed him. And my mother was a similar “martyr” (in her own eyes), though not narcissistic. But his dynamic was similar: trying to please and appease his mother, and later his wife. So there was no way he would stand up for himself. I mean, he did have success in his career, but he was pretty suppressed at home.
For your mother, she was perhaps financially dependent on your father as well, so that came into play as well? And the whole patriarchy thing, which I guess was still strong while you were growing up, right? So I can see why it might have been more difficult for her to standup for herself than it was for my father.
Yeah thatās right and I think main issue here is our ruined self-esteem as a result which isnāt easier to heal faster. So now that you are aware that you werenāt the faulty child yet itās still rooted in you? Thatās what you mean?
No, I don’t believe I am unworthy any more, but I still have a lot of procrastination when it comes to my career and the things I’d like to achieve. It’s like I am frozen a bit. And having all these health issues, and worrying about them, isn’t helping either: it makes me worry about it and ruminate and I end up feeling paralyzed. Like, I know what I want, but I am not working towards it.
It’s related to my childhood “freeze” I think, where my mother feared too much for me and was the happiest when I was by her side, in “safety”. Riding a bike was seen as risky by her, so my parents never bought me a bike and I never learned how to ride (I think I’ve told you that already). So it’s this “deep freeze”, deep fear of facing challenges.
In my case luckily itās not bad as before (But still) I do feel I have to achieve much more and Iām not good enough just yet.
Yeah, it seems your sense of not being good enough manifests in you pushing yourself above the limits, expecting too much of yourself (and believing you need to do it all by yourself). Whereas for me, I am not pushing myself at all, I am frozen. Again, we have the opposite reaction to a similar injury…
It’s like you would need to tell yourself: “I am good enough and I am doing enough“. And I would need to tell myself “I am good enough and I can do this next step.” Perhaps š
I’m going to pause here and reply to the rest of your post a bit later…
Take care!
February 26, 2024 at 5:55 am #428154TeeParticipantHi SereneWolf,
moving on to the second part of your post, about romantic relationships…
I agree with you. And the thing is that I never been taught to give relationships priority you know. Thatās something I discovered after my earlier 20s that building relationships romantic or generally itās really important. And the self-reliance fueled that wrong belief even more.
Yes, I can imagine. If you believe that others will hurt you and that you can actually do pretty well alone, then sure, I see why you didn’t want to build relationships, not only romantic but friendships either, if I understood you well? Btw, did you have close friends as a child?
And the funny part is that I have trust issues even though till now Iāve met like really kind, helpful and amazing people. Generally takes me long to trust in the person
Yeah, your lack of trust has developed gradually, with your parents (and I guess other adults too, like your grandfather?), in your childhood. And it remained a blueprint for how you view all other relationships. Even if you meet kind and loving people, your core belief (“I cannot trust people”) will be still working in your subconscious and will make you guarded and cautious.
But what Iām glad about is that I was never into transactional relationships like Iām only helping you just because you helped me. I always have this mindset of If Iām able to help someone then Iām going to help. I donāt want something in return.
Right. That means your intention is pure, and you have no expectations from the person to “pay you back”. Perhaps what you’ve experienced in your childhood is some kind of manipulation/transactionality, either on your own skin or in your family? That people would only help each other if they saw personal gain in it?
But in previous romantic relationship part I was like a fixing figure so that also didnāt fulfilled me either so..
Yeah, you slid into the father figure a bit, feeling that your girlfriend needs help and fixing, and you were trying to guide her in that (and then you would get annoyed when she couldn’t get on top of her problems). In reality, she did need help to overcome her issues, but not from you, but a therapist…
I guess that in that relationship too, you didn’t dare to show your own vulnerability, your own weaknesses, but you (actually both of you) were focusing mostly on her weaknesses, right? Like, she was the “project” that you were working on, and it wasn’t coming along well. And so you were getting frustrated, and she was feeling guilty etc etc.
I told her If she wants we can also stop physical things but she was like naah.. But anyways I guess weāre both little tired to find something more suitable for ourselves..
What’s with the doctor now?
I do trust her. But somehow Iām still not trusting in this relationship working out with her
Even if you’d like to trust her, I think you still don’t trust her. Because the false core belief (“I cannot trust others”, or “Other people will hurt me”) is still active…
Ohh right definitely I am afraid of falling in love. It feels like Iām trying to protecting too much or like not letting it loose enough you know.. and I donāt think I need something from them. But more like fear of wasting time and not working out and just dull over the time you know. Because again I still have the fear that Iām not getting any younger
Would to “let loose” mean to get “madly” in love, which means you’d become too distracted and not able to function properly? It seems you believe that if you fall in love, you’ll be too vulnerable, too distressed, not focused enough, and they’ll be able to prevent you from even reaching your goals, your career goals etc. Like, that the person you love will prevent you from reaching your goals and dreams. Could it be it?
To be honest Iām not sure if thatās the root cause it may be I donāt knowā¦ and yeah we can explore
I am just thinking… betrayal of trust can happen if we open up and show vulnerability, and the other person ridicules us, shames us or uses it against us. Or it can happen if they promise us something and never deliver. And I guess it can also happen if they shame us and criticize us all the time (like your father and my mother did), and we can never trust that they wouldn’t hurt us. I wonder if any of these reasons resonate with you?
I took few days of break for applying. I didnāt just felt like it. I started applying again though so letās see.
Any luck since then in finding a job? I do hope you’ve managed to find something good, something you enjoy…
February 26, 2024 at 8:23 am #428155SereneWolfParticipantHi Tee,
ehhh I know, itās been a long time, and Iāve disappeared again š
Itās mostly because of health issues, larger and smaller, which have been causing me health anxiety. Itās like I do have real health issues (I am not imagining it), but then my fear and worry about it make things worse. It occupies me, and itās hard to focus on anything productive, including posting here on the forum.
So yeah, I am sorry for not responding and disappearing yet againā¦ And I thank you for being so kind and checking in on meā¦ I really appreciate it, SereneWolf.
It’s totally fine I can understand. I wanted to know if you’re getting better, but thanks for responding. I know your health issues aren’t easier, so I hope it gets better and I also hope that you get more courage and love over anxiety for your health.
How have you been?
I’m doing ok. Trying for my self-esteem issues and love myself more. But I believe I’m getting better. I’ve completely focused myself for my career. No situationships for now. Although my sister and brother-in-law kinda on a mission to find a girl for me and convince me to get married and I know their intention aren’t wrong and also started to tell me lot of good aspects from the right partner and marriage, so I’m not scared about marriage as I used to. Since I’m seeing a good thing about it. But I’ve told them only to start look for girls when I tell you that I’m ready. and they agreed.
And lately I do try to be grateful and positive within, yet I still feel alone and helpless and losing hope sometimes. But I’m still being resilient. I’m trying to listen to Inner positive voices like Krishna and Uncle Iroh like and try to feel like someone’s watching over me and they got my back and things will get better.February 26, 2024 at 8:59 am #428156SereneWolfParticipantHi Tee,
I can imagine how excessive self-reliance is depleting you quickly. And then you blame yourself when youāre burnt out and havenāt succeeded in your (Herculean) task. Youāre expecting a lot (too much) of yourself, you give yourself (too) big tasks, and then youāre putting yourself down when you donāt succeed. Would you agree with that?
I mean I donāt know if Iām expecting a lot and I might be comparing myself with others here like others are already doing it then I can do it too. So I tell myself itās doable. Because I think some people are dealing with more things than me yet still reaching their goals and finishing tasks then I can do it too. And whenever I try to give excuses to myself about something I feel guilty and yet still lot of times I procrastinate a lot.
Yeah, your lack of trust has developed gradually, with your parents (and I guess other adults too, like your grandfather?), in your childhood. And it remained a blueprint for how you view all other relationships. Even if you meet kind and loving people, your core belief (āI cannot trust peopleā) will be still working in your subconscious and will make you guarded and cautious.
Yes, we can change our modus operandi. A part of it is changing our false core beliefs. Mine would be āI am helplessā. Yours would be āI have to rely on myselfā.
I agree it makes me remember our conversation about old beliefs and I guess therapy did helped a bit but not very significant. And just Iām not seeing therapist anymore. I do try to journaling and work on removing my old beliefs and rooted fears. What kind of things that I can do to remove my old beliefs and rooted fears more efficient way? Kinda like rewiring our brain you know
Yeah, I think the key issue for my father was his own upbringing with a āmartyrā covert narcissistic mother and him always suppressing his needs to trying to make his mother happy. That was what formed him. And my mother was a similar āmartyrā (in her own eyes), though not narcissistic. But his dynamic was similar: trying to please and appease his mother, and later his wife. So there was no way he would stand up for himself. I mean, he did have success in his career, but he was pretty suppressed at home.
For your mother, she was perhaps financially dependent on your father as well, so that came into play as well? And the whole patriarchy thing, which I guess was still strong while you were growing up, right? So I can see why it might have been more difficult for her to standup for herself than it was for my father.
Ah similar because my mother is also suppressed at home. Itās not like before but still yeah. And yeah patriarchy thing is really strong in small village environment.
No, I donāt believe I am unworthy any more, but I still have a lot of procrastination when it comes to my career and the things Iād like to achieve. Itās like I am frozen a bit. And having all these health issues, and worrying about them, isnāt helping either: it makes me worry about it and ruminate and I end up feeling paralyzed. Like, I know what I want, but I am not working towards it.
Itās related to my childhood āfreezeā I think, where my mother feared too much for me and was the happiest when I was by her side, in āsafetyā. Riding a bike was seen as risky by her, so my parents never bought me a bike and I never learned how to ride (I think Iāve told you that already). So itās this ādeep freezeā, deep fear of facing challenges.
Ah I see, I know itās not easy for you but have you ever tried being a reckless child at this age? Like I donāt care what happens to me I want to do it means I want to do it. I guess because concerned and matured adult would think and ruminate a lot. Reckless child wouldnāt. and who knows you can get good results although itās something really out of your comfort zone but something that you can try and feel like you got the power.
And once you got taste of that feeling I guess your fear and anxiety would slowly disappear.
Yeah, it seems your sense of not being good enough manifests in you pushing yourself above the limits, expecting too much of yourself (and believing you need to do it all by yourself). Whereas for me, I am not pushing myself at all, I am frozen. Again, we have the opposite reaction to a similar injuryā¦
Itās like you would need to tell yourself:Ā āI am good enough and I am doing enoughā. And I would need to tell myself āI am good enough and I can do this next step.ā Perhaps š
Haha yeah, youāre right. Well, we got to try. Right!?
February 26, 2024 at 11:43 am #428161TeeParticipantHey SereneWolf,
good to hear from you again!
Itās totally fine I can understand. I wanted to know if youāre getting better, but thanks for responding.
Thank you for your understanding, you are very kind. I did feel guilty multiple times for not responding, but I felt so paralyzed. But when you wrote last week, I sort of woke up and told myself “come on, enough of this self-pitying, it’s time to reply!” So thank you, you helped me wake up from my slumber š
I know your health issues arenāt easier, so I hope it gets better and I also hope that you get more courage and love over anxiety for your health.
Thanks, yeah, those are some real challenges, both health-wise and career-wise. But yeah, I hope I’ll be able to keep defrosting š
Iām doing ok. Trying for my self-esteem issues and love myself more. But I believe Iām getting better. Iāve completely focused myself for my career. No situationships for now.
Oh, so you broke up? Would you like to share some more, like how it happened?
Although my sister and brother-in-law kinda on a mission to find a girl for me and convince me to get married and I know their intention arenāt wrong and also started to tell me lot of good aspects from the right partner and marriage, so Iām not scared about marriage as I used to. Since Iām seeing a good thing about it. But Iāve told them only to start look for girls when I tell you that Iām ready. and they agreed.
Good to hear you’re not that scared any more. I’ve written some ideas in my previous post (about relationships), of what I think might be behind your lack of trust. What do you think about it?
Also, good that your sister and brother-in-law aren’t pushing you. Honestly, there is no point in pushing something that important, when you are not ready. It can only lead to problems and regrets down the line. So don’t do it until you’re ready.
But I think you will only be ready once you heal those fears and lack of trust in people. So my advice is to work on your relationship fears as well, don’t just focus on your career. Because focusing only on your career is an avoidance strategy too. It’s easier for you. But it’s not helping, on the long-run…
And lately I do try to be grateful and positive within, yet I still feel alone and helpless and losing hope sometimes. But Iām still being resilient. Iām trying to listen to Inner positive voices like Krishna and Uncle Iroh like and try to feel like someoneās watching over me and they got my back and things will get better.
Yeah, I hear you. I know this dichotomy very well: on the cognitive level, you know you are good enough and you try to be positive. But deeper, emotionally, on the inner child level, you feel helpless and alone. And losing hope, sometimes. For me, this hopelessness and helplessness got activated with my back injury and other health issues. That triggered it, but I’ve realized this feeling was always in me, only I wasn’t aware of it. And now it came to the surface. And there is no other way but to tackle it…
I agree it makes me remember our conversation about old beliefs and I guess therapy did helped a bit but not very significant. And just Iām not seeing therapist anymore. I do try to journaling and work on removing my old beliefs and rooted fears. What kind of things that I can do to remove my old beliefs and rooted fears more efficient way? Kinda like rewiring our brain you know
I’ve just dug up a youtube video on negative core beliefs, by my favorite online therapist, Barbara Heffernan. There is a link to the pdf file below the video, where she explains how to transform those beliefs. The video is titled “Core Beliefs CBT“. Highly recommended. I’ve just done the exercise in the pdf file, for transforming the core beliefs. Let me know if you’ve tried it.
I am sorry you’re not seeing your therapist any more. Is she still having problems with her eyes?
Ah I see, I know itās not easy for you but have you ever tried being a reckless child at this age? Like I donāt care what happens to me I want to do it means I want to do it. I guess because concerned and matured adult would think and ruminate a lot. Reckless child wouldnāt. and who knows you can get good results although itās something really out of your comfort zone but something that you can try and feel like you got the power.
No, I can’t think of myself as reckless. I don’t think my inner child ever wanted to be reckless š But it would be nice to “just do it”, without too much rumination. And I wouldn’t do reckless things, but good things, things that I love. So perhaps a curious child, enthusiastic child, would be a better fit š But thanks for the idea to involve my inner child in her “original form”, while she was still not frightened and stifled by my mother’s programming. I like it, I’ll see if it works…
Haha yeah, youāre right. Well, we got to try. Right!?
Yes! Discovering our false beliefs and then counteracting them is super powerful. I’ve just learned from Barbara Heffernan’s video that our core beliefs don’t reside in our cognitive brain, but in our limbic brain. That’s why we can’t overwrite them by simply thinking positively. We need to dig deeper into our old emotional experiences and re-write them as well… and that’s what her method should help in.
March 2, 2024 at 12:10 am #428309TeeParticipantHey SereneWolf,
I haven’t commented on something important you’ve said, about comparing yourself to others:
I mean I donāt know if Iām expecting a lot and I might be comparing myself with others here like others are already doing it then I can do it too. So I tell myself itās doable. Because I think some people are dealing with more things than me yet still reaching their goals and finishing tasks then I can do it too. And whenever I try to give excuses to myself about something I feel guilty and yet still lot of times I procrastinate a lot.
Okay, so you believe you need to achieve the same as someone else, and then if you don’t, you beat yourself up, you feel bad about yourself (I feel guilty), and then your performance gets even worse (I procrastinate a lot).
Comparison with others is something you were exposed to during your entire childhood: both your father and your grandfather were comparing you with other kids all the time, right? And now you are doing it to yourself. You’ve internalized your father and grandfather’s voice and it became a part of your inner critic. So comparing yourself to others is another way of telling yourself “I am not good enough/successful enough/rich enough/high on the ladder enough”.
That’s why you “feel like times is passing too fast” (the title of your thread) – because there is a pressure to perform, to achieve, to push, push, push… because someone else is doing it better and faster than you.
Would you agree with that?
Comparing ourselves to others is very toxic – it doesn’t motivate us but makes us feel like a failure. It’s not like a positive encouragement, but it always comes with a lot of self-judgment. And it eventually prevents us from thriving, because we feel like a failure, and so we self-sabotage.
So my suggestion is to stop the comparison. See it for what it is: a toxic feature of your inner critic, something you’ve learned from your father and grandfather.
There is a great youtube video “How to stop comparing yourself to others“, which just popped up in my feed, by Therapy in a nutshell. She says some fantastic things, e.g. that by comparing ourselves to others, we believe that our worth is dependent on how we score compared to others, how many people are above us or below us on the “ranking list”. And this always lead to disappointment because someone will always be better and more successful than us.
Bottom line: by comparing ourselves to others we are allowing our worth (which is inherent) to be dependent on external factors. And we are setting ourselves up for failure.
A better approach, she says, is to focus on integrity (living in accordance to your true values) rather than comparison. Here is an example: if we want to lose weight, the comparison mindset would say “Oh, Martha is in a such a great shape. I have to lose weight already!” Whereas the integrity mindset would say “My health is important to me. I will cut down on junk food and exercise more, because I want to be healthy.”
I found this pretty cool: integrity mindset vs comparison mindset. Never heard it described this way, and loved it!
Anyway, just wanted to share this…
How have you been? I hope you are fine…
March 3, 2024 at 8:57 am #428329SereneWolfParticipantBonjour Tee,
How are you doing?
First of all, Iām really happy because I finally got the job! And in sustainability sector, Something that Iām passionate about, And fully remote, and very well paid!
Iām just really grateful!!!Although because itās been so damn long my mind just giving me doubts and fears even though I finally did it so Iām not able to celebrate it with all my senses!
Thank you for your understanding, you are very kind. I did feel guilty multiple times for not responding, but I felt so paralyzed. But when you wrote last week, I sort of woke up and told myself ācome on, enough of this self-pitying, itās time to reply!ā So thank you, you helped me wake up from my slumber š
Ohh Thanks I’m glad! You were and are still helping me throughout my mental health so at least I’m able to help a little haha
Ā
Thanks, yeah, those are some real challenges, both health-wise and career-wise. But yeah, I hope Iāll be able to keep defrosting š
I understand but I think if you’ll fight with both it won’t be that effective imo. So what do you think what would happen if you only have choice to focus on one thing instead of both?
Ā
Oh, so you broke up? Would you like to share some more, like how it happened?
Well it’s not like we were in relationship to begin with… I was already trying to detach myself and spend much less time with her and then she got promoted and she had a choice of two cities and she chose another city.Ā But we’re still in touch. We talk sometimes. And when she was in the city few weeks, we did spend some time together.
But I think you will only be ready once you heal those fears and lack of trust in people. So my advice is to work on your relationship fears as well, donāt just focus on your career. Because focusing only on your career is an avoidance strategy too. Itās easier for you. But itās not helping, on the long-runā¦
Yes you’re right but the thing is career is like a important for financial security so obviously I’m gonna give priority to that. And just few days ago one of my friend told me something that really struck me. So when I moved to new place even there this stray cat started coming and I started feeding but it’s been more than 2 months and my friend asked me what did you named her?? I was like why name?? And then she was like you’re so scared of attachment you’re not giving cat a name! I’m not telling you possess her. You’re way into detachment.
And then I was thinking I’m practicing detachment because I have a fear of getting attached or it’s something else?
Yeah, I hear you. I know this dichotomy very well: on the cognitive level, you know you are good enough and you try to be positive. But deeper, emotionally, on the inner child level, you feel helpless and alone. And losing hope, sometimes. For me, this hopelessness and helplessness got activated with my back injury and other health issues. That triggered it, but Iāve realized this feeling was always in me, only I wasnāt aware of it. And now it came to the surface. And there is no other way but to tackle itā¦
I know right itās like that underlying pain. And then that smile we trying to have feels kind of less genuine.
Iāve just dug up a youtube video on negative core beliefs, by my favorite online therapist, Barbara Heffernan. There is a link to the pdf file below the video, where she explains how to transform those beliefs. The video is titled āCore Beliefs CBTā. Highly recommended. Iāve just done the exercise in the pdf file, for transforming the core beliefs. Let me know if youāve tried it.
Thanks for sharing Iāll watch it and let you know.
I am sorry youāre not seeing your therapist any more. Is she still having problems with her eyes?
Yes and recently grandson in the family so sheās giving all her time to daughter and lil baby.
Ā
No, I canāt think of myself as reckless. I donāt think my inner child ever wanted to be reckless š But it would be nice to ājust do itā, without too much rumination. And I wouldnāt do reckless things, but good things, things that I love. So perhaps a curious child, enthusiastic child, would be a better fit š But thanks for the idea to involve my inner child in her āoriginal formā, while she was still not frightened and stifled by my motherās programming. I like it, Iāll see if it worksā¦
Right! Enthusiastic and curious are better choice of words. Let me know if it works
Ā
Yes! Discovering our false beliefs and then counteracting them is super powerful. Iāve just learned from Barbara Heffernanās video that our core beliefs donāt reside in our cognitive brain, but in our limbic brain. Thatās why we canāt overwrite them by simply thinking positively. We need to dig deeper into our old emotional experiences and re-write them as wellā¦ and thatās what her method should help in.
Oh I see, Thatās why it hasnāt been easy.
March 3, 2024 at 10:23 am #428331SereneWolfParticipantOkay, so you believe you need to achieve the same as someone else, and then if you donāt, you beat yourself up, you feel bad about yourself (I feel guilty), and then your performance gets even worse (I procrastinate a lot).
Comparison with others is something you were exposed to during your entire childhood: both your father and your grandfather were comparing you with other kids all the time, right? And now you are doing it to yourself. Youāve internalized your father and grandfatherās voice and it became a part of your inner critic. So comparing yourself to others is another way of telling yourself āI am not good enough/successful enough/rich enough/high on the ladder enoughā.
Thatās why you āfeel like times is passing too fastā (the title of your thread) ā because there is a pressure to perform, to achieve, to push, push, pushā¦ because someone else is doing it better and faster than you.
Would you agree with that?
Yes I agree with that and thanks for that reminder again. I need to write this down again because apparently I do need this same reminder repeatedly time to time.
Comparing ourselves to others is very toxic ā it doesnāt motivate us but makes us feel like a failure. Itās not like a positive encouragement, but it always comes with a lot of self-judgment. And it eventually prevents us from thriving, because we feel like a failure, and so we self-sabotage.
So my suggestion is to stop the comparison. See it for what it is: a toxic feature of your inner critic, something youāve learned from your father and grandfather.
There is a great youtube video āHow to stop comparing yourself to othersā, which just popped up in my feed, by Therapy in a nutshell. She says some fantastic things, e.g. that by comparing ourselves to others, we believe that our worth is dependent on how we score compared to others, how many people are above us or below us on the āranking listā. And this always lead to disappointment because someone will always be better and more successful than us.
Bottom line: by comparing ourselves to others we are allowing our worth (which is inherent) to be dependent on external factors. And we are setting ourselves up for failure.
Yes! Youāre right thatās why one of the reasons Iām using LinkedIn much less than before. Mainly for communication and network building. Because it would give me that āranking listā pressure even more
A better approach, she says, is to focus on integrity (living in accordance to your true values) rather than comparison. Here is an example: if we want to lose weight, the comparison mindset would say āOh, Martha is in a such a great shape. I have to lose weight already!ā Whereas the integrity mindset would say āMy health is important to me. I will cut down on junk food and exercise more, because I want to be healthy.ā
I found this pretty cool: integrity mindset vs comparison mindset. Never heard it described this way, and loved it!
Anyway, just wanted to share thisā¦
Thanks for the example I guess one way or another subconsciously I am comparing myself with others and I agree and āliving in accordance to your true valuesā I did journal about this quite a while ago and I put lot of thought into that but so many things came up yet I still wrote it down. So I believe (not 100% sure) that my core values are Freedom, Simplicity, Honesty and Altruismā¦with added Open mindedness, Adventure, Wisdom, Faith and Inner peace. But how can I be sure what are my true values?
How have you been? I hope you are fineā¦
Well, Healthwise Iām doing alright but last week when I went for donate my blood, they gave me this report and told me that I have to gain my weight and hemoglobin %
And Idk whatās happening, because Iām rarely eating out and 99% of the time Iām having home cooked meals mostly full of green vegetables curries.
How about you? In your condition healthy food can make a difference?
March 3, 2024 at 11:53 pm #428350TeeParticipantHey SereneWolf,
Iām really happy because I finally got the job! And in sustainability sector, Something that Iām passionate about, And fully remote, and very well paid!
Iām just really grateful!!!Yaaaaay! I am so happy for you!!! It sounds like your dream job: the field you are passionate about, fully remote (as you wanted), and well paid. That’s amazing, SereneWolf. Well done!!!
Although because itās been so damn long my mind just giving me doubts and fears even though I finally did it so Iām not able to celebrate it with all my senses!
I understand that the wait and the rejections you’ve experienced (I know about one – were there more?) were exhausting and wearing you down, making you doubt yourself and all that. But you did it after all! It was worth the wait!!
I hope you can relax now and take it all in, and properly celebrate. Give yourself a big pat at on the back, like a good father, or Uncle Iroh, would give to his young protege after a job well done. You’ve deserved it, SereneWolf, and you can be proud of yourself.
I remember you mentioned that you love to dance while preparing meals… so here is an idea for celebration: make yourself a nice, healthy meal, put on some music and dance while cooking! š
And enjoy!
I’ll respond to the rest a bit later…
Have a good day!
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