Dear Tee,
Thanks for your wishes

Do you make new year resolutions every year?

if your parents judge you, you won’t judge yourself. In other words, to have compassion for yourself, even if your parents don’t.

Yes, that is what I’m trying to do but it’s no easy thing to be honest

Right.. so your inner critic took over the judgemental attitude of your parents and is pushing you to perform faster, better…. An image comes to mind of you being like a jockey, pushing and hitting your horse to run faster and faster… and being angry at him if he cannot run so fast.

Yes kind of like that. You understood the situation so well

Which means you’re not compassionate with yourself when it comes to learning new skills and your job performance in general.

Remember when I told you that I believe in action-oriented things? So It’s because of this, otherwise I just dwell in overthinking about outcomes, and it takes lot of time and drain my energy as well. Although it still happens sometimes

 Maybe you wanted to move away from your parents’ relentless judgment… 

Maybe yes.. That time first thing I wanted was Freedom which I have now and I’m really appreciating it. And If I didn’t moved out I don’t think I’d be developed this much as per mindset.

Because my parents are overprotective. For example I started swimming classes and after a week I’ve told them but at village in my teenage years they be like don’t go inside deep water and do this and that and me and my siblings weren’t allowed to go swimming without my cousin who’s an expert swimmer, but I didn’t learned swimming like that. Even when I started swimming lessons, they asked hundreds of questions. If I’m getting watery eyes, Water is too cold and blah blah.. But finally I’ve learned swimming because My parents weren’t around me to stop.

Just this weekend my uncle and his family came to visit and stayed for 2 days. With his wife and a little boy and I noticed the same thing. No freedom. Kite festival is around the corner but my uncle and aunt is too much concerned about the little hand cuts (Only if he’s too much careless) So they didn’t allow him to play with kites. I feel for that kid.

So the thing that I noticed is that first of all even parents are not believing in their kids that they can handle themselves and making them feel more dependent or not enough, which is kind of true reality for lot of families here nowadays.

But the thing is that by that time your inner critic had already soaked in their judgments, and so you’ve become your own worst critic. Even if your parents are (or seem) much milder nowadays, it is you who is pushing yourself hard…

Yes I agree with this. That’s why I’m trying to be mindful about my inner voice now even though nowadays it’s keep telling what’s next? what are you doing?

Hi Tee,
How are you?

So today in my YouTube dashboard One of the Henry Cloud’s video showed up and It really lightened me up. “These Stages Will Help You Change Emotionally Unhealthy Patterns” in this video I’ve realize one of the things about my impatience.
In that he talks about that Realizing that you need to work on your emotional health and you’re already within the supportive group (Thanks to you as well) Which makes You already way down the road. It’s a progress and he gives an example about an oak tree. Like we can’t directly grow a tree. So we have to surrender to the progress first. Planting the seed, taking care and gardening.etc
Which helps for quickly and “NOW” pressure.

 where he said that unless we don’t change anything in our routine, what difference will a flip of the calendar make?  

So True and since we’re habitual creatures it’s not easy to change habits without good enough reason

When is it the hardest for you to be compassionate with yourself? Maybe if you can give me an example?

Hmm I’m not sure about this. And To be honest I don’t have an actual idea how to be really compassionate with myself because most of the time I put other’s need first, Even though I know that this isn’t good for me. Also sometimes I need answers to questions going on my head right away even though it’s a complex questions. Which makes me overthinking and criticizing myself even more.

Remember that you told me about making mistakes? so yeah it’s also there as well
But the some of the things does helping me that I’m trying
Like treating myself like I’m my own best friend

Being Mindful
And I’m not in need of validation from others

So if I understood you well, you are action-oriented and strive to implement new things ASAP, without too much thinking about it and analyzing it in advance, because if you do, you’ll end up overthinking and it will drain your energy. Is this what you’re saying? So you just plunge into it right away, and see what happens?

I do analyze it like a quick analysis and implement it

I want to learn how to be a great leader by the end of the month, and I need to introduce the employee’s feedback box and all these other novelties, because that should help me become a great leader in 30 days” – well that would be putting a lot of pressure on yourself. I don’t know what your attitude is, but perhaps it’s something similar to the latter?

Yes I know that well that being a great leader takes time. But even though in few months I feel like I worked a lot on my soft skills I’m still not proud of myself and still wanting more and more… You know what I mean?

You’re kind of curious and relaxed about the outcome.

This is what I’m trying for yet still sometimes even though I’m sure that it’s not a big deal still I get worried little things for no reason

And too afraid indeed, because you weren’t trying to do anything dangerous or reckless,

Okay so about that, I was doing some things in my childhood that my parents considered reckless. Eg. Skipping my primary school classes sometimes to see lion in the green fields of my village. Or just foxes or deer. But with group of people obviously not all alone. Because It was really exciting for me. I’ve literally seen how lioness gave birth to a lion cub and I still remember that moment vividly.
Another time I was crazy enough to walk down on the unknown road for 12kms just because I wanted to find out where it goes because there wasn’t any sign and I asked one man there what’s there and he laughed and told me why you don’t find out? because I don’ know, So I walked but luckily at the evening time another man from my village was there and he got me back home safely.

My father was furious, and my mom was crying. = more restrictions for me

I was around 8-9 years old that time.

I can relate because my mother refused to buy me a bike, because she was afraid I’d get overrun by a car… And so I’ve never learned how to ride a bike in my childhood, and it got ever more difficult as I got older. I did try it as an adult but never got good at bike riding… because of my mother’s fears.

Oh same thing happened to me for motorcycle. I was last of my siblings to learn a motorcycle because my father was like you can’t learn as your little brother did. My little brother also learned car driving and I’m still not motivated enough to learn driving a car.

But yeah one thing I excel is bicycling. I love it. It gives me more fun vibes. I still listen to classic songs wearing earphones and go for a bicycle ride instead of evening walk sometimes. So if you want you can try to learn again

My mother was certainly like that, and I myself was quite an anxious child too, so I stayed by my mother’s side rather than venturing out to explore the world…

And what about now? Now you have curiosity to explore or you’re already tired?

Luckily, you were a different type. You didn’t allow yourself to get intimidated by them. You ventured out on your own, and dared to try many new things.

Haha yeah one thing I’m proud of!

I wonder if the push to always try new things and never give yourself a break is in part related to your fear of being “subdued” and made dependent/controlled by your parents? A subconscious fear that if you don’t keep moving, they’ll catch up with you and “restrain” you and you’ll lose your freedom?

Hmm I’m not actually worried about losing my freedom because I’m really independent now and my parents knows well about my freedom mindset. But maybe I still have to look deeper about what I’m grateful for and actually be happy about it. Instead of running for one goal to another.

Also another things I want to tell you

One little kitten started to come to my place frequently so she’s kind of my pet now. Even though I don’t know much about taking care of cats I’m loving this 😀

Another thing, So There’s this girl, few months ago and she wanted to be in relationship with me and I told her no and after that we were just talking sometimes. Like two times a week or even less. Nothing Romantic.
But since she told me she found a boyfriend I don’t know why I feel confused. I mean I know well why I told her no because I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I don’t know that why is it happening like it’s the intimacy that I’m craving or it’s just sexual frustration or something else?

Hello Tee,

I’m having some health issues that have surfaced only recently, in the last couple of weeks or so, and which do worry me. I am looking for treatment options and hoping for the best. Please don’t ask me about the details, I don’t feel like sharing too much about it at this point. But thank you for inquiring about my well-being, I do appreciate it.

Oh I’m sorry to hear that. And it’s okay if you’re not comfortable about the details. Due to my reckless behaviour sometimes, I do have good experience about hospitals and treatments and one thing I strongly believe in is HOPE. And there’s always a way. So I hope you’ll be alright.

I am glad you found some peace of mind in that Henry Cloud’s video. Yes, you’re already doing a lot – realizing your issues, asking for help (both here and in therapy), and making concrete steps, practicing new things, slowly but surely changing your approach.

Yes I’m glad for that. I honestly believe things are working out for me and I can feel the change. Before I was holding tight on beliefs that I had which didn’t let me make progress even though I wanted to. But since I realized that having work on something doesn’t mean you’re not good enough, Not all are perfect and we all have to work on ourselves, improving. To be more Being You. So I highly appreciate you and all the people who helped and helping me for being ME.

What you need is to strengthen the compassionate, good parent part, who will tell the drill sergeant to back off. Who will protect you from his demands, his cruelty and his lack of empathy. You are already developing this compassionate part, and your goal is to strengthen it further.

So each time when you hear the voice telling you “this isn’t enough, this is so far from where you need to be, you need to speed things up, you’re such a disappointment…” – you need to tell him to BACK OFF. Like a good parent would protect his child from a bully, you need to protect yourself from this bully in your head. You need to stop listening to him.

If the army analogy resonates with you, you can even imagine that this empathic guy, who will put the drill sergeant in his place, is someone higher in rank (a colonel, lieutenant or general – if I understood the military ranks correctly). So a colonel might tell the drill sergeant to back off and leave you alone. Or, if you don’t like the military analogy, you can come up with another person you admire, who is a kind, warm and empathic father figure.

 

Thanks for the really good example and analogy. You’re right I think that would help a lot for strengthen my compassion.  I might have an idea for this. I watch a lot of anime so I’ll try to find a good guiding figure which I admire. (I’m thinking about Uncle Iroh from Avatar but I’ll research more)

But I wonder if you knew that they would be worried and went to explore anyway, or you thought there wouldn’t be any consequences? Or your curiosity was stronger and you couldn’t stop yourself, even if you knew your parents would be worried?

Hmm As far as I remember I think my curiosity was stronger. And for consequences I thought what can happen? I kind of had that confidence that I wouldn’t die and I’ll be saved no matter what

some spiritual teachings it’s called the expansive principle, which is necessary for growth. The problem is if we take it to the extreme by e.g. doing reckless things, which might endanger our life and our health. Or if we work ourselves to death and never rest, all in the name of  “expansion”, growth and excellence.

You see what I mean? Too much expansion can be bad… unless we balance it with self-care, nurturance, rest, tending to what we have, rather than thinking of new acquisitions all the time. This other principle is called the contracting principle, and it’s a necessary force in the universe, otherwise things would blow apart. We are in harmony when both principles are in harmony within us, neither of them overly dominating. Alright, maybe this is too much philosophy, but I am mentioning it anyway, in case you find it helpful…

 

That’s really interesting and indeed a good balance example. I actually love philosophy so don’t worry haha.. I’ll research for those terms in details because I do frequently think about the new acquisitions otherwise, I feel like I’m behind and not learning or doing enough

That’s sweet! Just give her (or leave her) some food, she’ll sure come again!

She’s mostly spending her time at my place anyways haha. Currently she’s sleeping on my lap.

Were you talking to her while you were in a LDR with another girl?

No.

You’ve mentioned some problems in your current LDR – are you still with that girl?

No, I think you misunderstood. I also limited that relationship only for friendship. Because after giving a thought I want a more physical relationship not where I have to spend much time on texting but doing activities together. But Nowadays I’m just more focused with my career too. But I’m thinking about starting dating. I think I need that otherwise I’d be just too introvert around woman face to face. And another thing is that LDR or In-Person relationships I’ve never proposed any woman so…

Dear Tee,

How are you feeling today?

Have you already visited the doctor?

I like the quote, but it’s apparently not something that Buddha said, but Charlie Chaplin. I hope it’s still true

Lol I think I read it in some article like years ago since then I was like it’s Buddha who said this but thanks for clarifying

 kind general seems like a perfect candidate for a positive father figure

Yup Definitely. I love the way he mentors his nephew (Prince Zuko), My fav scene is when Uncle Iroh says to his nephew “IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO LOOK INWARD AND START ASKING YOURSELF THE BIG QUESTION: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?” because his Nephew wanted a validation and respect from his father (Fire Lord) so he thought The mission his father gave it’s his destiny, and he was working so hard towards it. So that’s why Uncle Iroh also tells him “THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH A LIFE OF PEACE AND PROSPERITY.”

as long as you don’t put yourself in a high-risk situations, like climbing high mountains in winter, or climbing frozen waterfalls (an acquaintance of mine is doing just that!).

I think little risk taking is good for that adrenaline to go on sometimes. Just to makes me feel more alive. Climbing frozen waterfalls?? Well that does sound tricky. Have you tried anything like that before?

I wonder how safe and comfortable you felt in your previous relationships? I mean, did you feel you can be yourself completely or you felt you needed to pretend in some way?

I wouldn’t say 100% safe. Because I did had trust issues and I wouldn’t just open up to anyone. So it was like being comfortable as the time goes. But in my first relationship I did feel like I had to pretend the strong and understanding type in every way possible.

But being totally yourself in the starting is even possible? You know what I mean? It’s just not easy to describe

You talked about the pattern that you’ve noticed in yourself: that at first you might like her “a lot”, write poems etc, and then if she reciprocates, you get cold feet, i.e. you start feeling trapped. So if this is your pattern, you might end up moving on even if you really like the girl in the beginning. What I am trying to say that if you don’t work on your fear of intimacy, you might be repeating the same pattern again and again…

Right I know I have to work on my fear of intimacy.. maybe that’s why I don’t feel so deep in relationships? But like what could be other options available for me? I mean for experimentation like without being with someone how can I work on fear of intimacy? And it’s not like I’m already planning to find a life-partner. You can take this as like fear of commitment too 😆

Hm.. if I understood your pattern well, you get attached very quickly (writing poems etc), but then you get afraid of your attachment (and I guess your strong feelings for the girl), and you start feeling trapped. You don’t want to feel so dependent and needy, and so you start cooling down and distancing yourself? At least that’s how I understood you so far.

Ohh I haven’t thought of it this way… But it could be..

Dear Tee,

I am a little better and a little more optimistic, thank you for asking. Having a doctor appointment tomorrow, so we’ll see…

I’m glad to know that, I believe you’ve visited the doctor by now?

He did tell him some wise things indeed. I guess his words – to find out who you are and follow your own path – are an inspiration to you too?

Yes I strongly believing in creating in my own path instead of walking on others path that they’ve created. doesn’t matter how great they were

Haha, no way. I am anxious person, with plenty of adrenaline and cortisol in my system, so no need to feel more alive by scaring myself to death

You literally just made an anxiety joke 😂 But I’m telling you, you can try with very small things first. Maybe it would be helpful for your anxiety.

If so, it seems both of you were pretending…. and eventually you broke it off. So perhaps it can be a lesson for you: that if you pretend, or both of you pretend to be something you’re not, it doesn’t end well, and it’s not even attractive to you. That honesty and authenticity is much better, even if it might feel scary at first.

Yes but it doesn’t mean like It was only pretending and nothing else. Thing is that she had some expectations from me, Which indeed wasn’t wrong. She was insecure so…
And in my previous relationship I didn’t pretend anything and mostly said how it is and maybe sometimes brutally honest which I guess may have hurt her in some way as well but yeah.

Well, you don’t need to tell her all your deepest secrets on your first date. You need to take it slow and see how she responds to something honest and vulnerable (i.e. less than perfect) that you share about yourself. If she doesn’t like you being honest, or she cannot really empathize with you, that’s a big red flag. But if she can, and she is also sharing about herself, and there’s a mutual understanding (rather than criticism, mocking, feeling superior or inferior to the other…) – that’s a very good sign.

Hmm I think that’s super helpful. Thanks! This would be really helpful for me on how much should I open up in relationships

You’ve already had several failed relationships, so you know your patterns. Perhaps you’re also aware of what contributed to the breakup, and even what is your responsibility in it? If you know your patterns and your fears, you could talk about it in therapy and try to work on it, rather than take those same patterns and fears into a new relationship.

I’ve just watched a video by Henry Cloud, where he said: “What’s going to be new and different this time other than you wanting it to be new and different?” I think it can be applied it to relationships too: If you haven’t worked on those fears, or false beliefs or whatever – what is going to be different in your next relationship, other than you wanting it to be different? You know what I mean?

Yes I got your point. I have to work on this first. And I believe for my pattern there was mainly fear of commitment involved as well. But what I’m saying is that if it’s my fear of commitment then I’m not even looking for a commitment. I’m not that much old to look for a commitment either. Another thing is that there are probably woman like me who’s also have fear of commitment as well.. Then instead of just focusing on fear (Which I have to I know, and it does take time) why not just go with the flow and learn that way?