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Feeling used for sex

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • May 23, 2018 at 9:07 am #208897
    Roo
    Participant

    I met this guy through a friend and he asked me on a date for the very next day. I was unsure what to think of him but agreed anyway. We met, had dinner, got drinks and sang karaoke together. When it was time for me to catch my train to go back home, he begged me not to go. I agreed- I really really liked him. Our date couldn’t have gone better. I knew what the consequences were, even though I was a virgin. We went to a hotel and he was very sweet and charming. I thought he was being sincere, we had so much fun together. The only reason I agreed is because we talked about going on other dates and doing other things together. I thought he meant to date me. So we slept together. I woke up the next morning, we stayed together until noon and then left on our own ways. Before I left he kissed me and said he would “see me soon.” Now, no messages come from him. He ended our conversation and as I responded then he left it read. This may be an overreaction but I feel so used. I keep thinking back to our date to decide if the whole date was just a way to get me into bed. “When we got drinks, did he purposefully try to get me a little drunk?” “Did he plan this the whole time?” I just don’t know. I feel so stupid, I regret it- I feel like he used me and I don’t know what to do with myself.

    May 23, 2018 at 10:40 am #208995
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Roo:

    How many days ago since that date, the hotel stay?

    I think I understand your pain and confusion, your regret. I don’t know if he used you, if he planned it. Maybe he did. Not an unheard of occurrence.

    During the date or before that date: did you tell him that you were a virgin, did you tell him that you are interested in a long-term commitment, not in a casual sex relationship?

    If he didn’t know how you felt, if he thought you were okay with a casual relationship, or, as they call it, a hookup, and if he didn’t promise you a long term relationship, then maybe he didn’t deceive you.

    I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings. I can tell how difficult this is for you.

    anita

    May 23, 2018 at 1:55 pm #209017
    Mark
    Participant

    Roo,

    In general, men are more casual with sex than women.

    Don’t know what to do it with yourself?  I am sorry.  Chalk it up to life/dating experience.  You had a good first time sexual physical experience.  Too bad about the possible emotional connection.

    Mark

    May 24, 2018 at 12:08 am #209055
    Derek
    Participant

    Hi Roo,

    I was sad when I read this because I have had similar experiences in the past. Someone once said to me “there is nothing more intimate than someone being inside you” and it stopped me dead in my tracks. I realised in this moment how vulnerable sex can make us and that for some more than others it is a very very big deal.

    If possible try not to feel used. It may not make it better but how many people PURPOSEFULLY do this kind of thing all the time? We can’t judge them, it’s their life. Every experience we have is a learning experience and one that can encourage growth. It sounds like you are being very hard on yourself so I urge you to be kind to yourself and take time to rest.

     

    All of my sexual experiences (or 99% of them) always involves alcohol, until I met my current partner. It took me a long time to understand that sex is just sex (for some people) and is there to be enjoyed. It took me longer to understand that this was not for me and I needed something more meaningful for I am a very anxious sensitive person.

     

    I hope you feel better.

    May 24, 2018 at 3:05 am #209065
    Roo
    Participant

    It was on the 20th, from Sunday to Monday morning. I did not tell him that I was a virgin. Several times throughout the date we talked about meeting again and continuing to see each other, he often said “I wish I would have met you earlier” and things like this, which may have lead me to misunderstand that he intended to have an actual relationship with me. Thank you for your response.

     

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by Roo.
    May 24, 2018 at 3:46 am #209079
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Roo:

    You are welcome. The date ended Monday morning and he didn’t contact you since, that is not later on Monday, not on Tuesday or Wednesday…

    The motivation to mate, that is, to have sexual intercourse is a very strong motivation in nature. Males of many species go through a whole lot of trouble, expanding time and energy, trying to mate. Humans are very much animals, men and women.

    Unlike other animals, we have the capacity to think and choose. So better take advantage of it: as you continue dating life, think: what is the man’s motivation?

    To mate, that is one biological need, inborn. Is a man motivated to have a loving, exclusive relationship in addition to the motivation to mate- or is he motivated to mate with different women as often as he can?

    Find out by meeting a man a few times, over coffee perhaps and talk. Ask and listen. Ask and share. Get to know him and notice: is he trying to get to know you?

    This man of past weekend, he told you that he wished he met you earlier. Did you ask him why he wished to have met you earlier? Or feeling good that he said that, you just assumed it meant what it didn’t mean? Ask, don’t assume.

    And when you ask, listen and evaluate. People don’t always answer honestly. When you are not sure, take more time to get to know the man.

    Keep motivations in mind: yours and the man’s. Look for compatibility of motivation. Post again anytime.

    anita

    May 24, 2018 at 7:38 am #209139
    Roo
    Participant

    Thanks for everything. I actually did hear back from him that day and the following day but after that he stopped all contact. Guess that’s that. 🙂

    I’m definitely in a lot better mindset, thank you very much for your wise words- I’ll take this as a learning experience and leave it at that. In ways I’m happy that my first time happened like this I suppose, It wasn’t so awkward or painful as I’ve heard from several of my other friends. I’ll just be a little more careful around men and make sure to not miss my train next time. First date sex is also something I definitely don’t want to have again though, at least not now as I’m searching for a relationship but that’s something that is good to know as well.

    Thanks you! I did ask for advice on another platform and all I received were hateful words about how stupid and naive I was. It meant a lot to hear something different and more positive!

    May 24, 2018 at 7:51 am #209151
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Roo:

    You are welcome. Too bad you received hateful words elsewhere. Yes, learn all you can learn from the experience and from future experiences, every day. The more you learn, the better choices you make, and the better life you will have.

    Post again anytime.

    anita

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