Dear canary:

I read all your recent posts. You wrote about your experience with strangers (the boldface feature is my addition): “I care about them and want to connect with them. I feel this way with almost everyone I see, every single stranger.. I so badly want to feel fully understood.. I think I’m looking for this connection with myself… I forget to take care of myself and think for myself! It’s almost like I get so immersed into their lives, I feel myself becoming them. ..It’s hard feeling safe in public, I feel afraid and alone… I feel afraid talking to myself because I don’t know if those thoughts are mine or not”-

-I think that the problem is that you are too  much of a stranger to yourself, not connected enough to yourself, and that makes you feel uncomfortable, not normal, scared and alone. In public, you get immersed into the lives of strangers because you need a friend, and you are not your own friend yet.

In a note to me, you wrote: “I don’t have access to a psychotherapist at the moment, do you have any recommendations for some books or other resources that can explain ‘splitting’? Thank you“-

– You are welcome. I don’t think that there are self-help books addressing the psychological topic of splitting. But I will probably able to recommend books about befriending yourself, that is, no longer be too much of a stranger to yourself. Before I do, I need to ask you the following questions: (1) when you are in public, do you often feel disconnected or detached from your thoughts and from your emotions? (2) Do you feel as if you are an outsider who is observing your thoughts or body from the outside?  (3) Do you feel sometimes that what you think, what you say, and/ or how you move your body is not in your control? (4) Does the world seem foggy, dreamlike sometimes, like it’s not real, or visually distorted?

anita

Dear canary:

Your answers lead me to better understanding, so thank you (I like understanding, not confusion!) I will be away from the computer for a while, and the next opportunity I will have to be focused enough to reply to you further is Sat morning, which is in about 16 hours from now. I will be back to you then, and if anything comes up before I return, anything you want to add: please do (it will not be too much for me, no worries!)

anita

Dear canary,

I remember when I would become triggered over little things and have my boundaries be crossed by my parents (eg. I don’t want a hug right now, don’t touch me right now), and I would become so reactive and throw tantrums.

Can you remember one such situation where your parents wanted to give you a hug, and you refused? Do you remember what exactly happened and why you didn’t feel like being hugged at that particular time?

I did not understand why I cared so much, especially about little things. I did not know why I cried so much.

We as babies and little children are super sensitive and cry for the slightest reason. It is the task of our parents to soothe and calm us down. If the parents didn’t know how to do it properly, or they themselves were anxious, we won’t learn how to calm ourselves down, and we’ll cry and get upset for even the smallest things. This could be one reason why you are so sensitive.

You said your mother didn’t know how to handle your fears and anxiety. She told you to skip school (which is avoidance), rather than help you deal with the cause of your anxiety. Perhaps temporary it felt good not to have to go to school when you were upset, but on the long run, it didn’t solve your problem. When we avoid things, our fear grows.

Your mother didn’t really help you with your main problem (to reduce anxiety), you were left to your own devices. Since you didn’t know how to soothe yourself, you felt helpless and desperate, and you reacted with strong emotions even to the slightest problem. You reacted like a small child who cries easily, because your mother (and your father) didn’t know how to help you deal with your emotions. At least that’s my take of why you are/were so very sensitive.

Now, I don’t have frequent emotional outbursts, and when I do, I can control them much better because I know what’s going on. I’m also able to communicate easily with whoever was involved and thankfully they can understand.

That’s good. You’ve learned to emotionally regulate yourself. It sounds like you are being a good parent to yourself. You understand yourself better and are able to “communicate easily with whoever was involved and thankfully they can understand.” I think this is what you needed from your parents in the past – to understand you and explain to you what’s going on and how to help yourself. And also to talk to your teachers, so they pay attention if other kids are bullying you. This way your parents could have contained your fear and helped soothe you. If they had done that, you would have also known that there is nothing wrong with you.

Anyway, you are doing that for yourself now  – you can emotionally regulate yourself better. Now what’s left is to tell the little girl inside of you that there’s nothing wrong with her. That it was your parents’ failure and lack of parenting skills, not yours. And that she is perfectly fine just as she is. That there is nothing weird about her.

I lost some of my friends because of this because they believed I was toxic whenever I would have an emotional outburst and I tried to communicate with them but I did not even fully understand why I was acting that way. So that made me more insecure.

In fact, the main reason I got bullied was for my body & facial hair.

Did you have those emotional outbursts because you were bullied? And then some of your friends thought your reaction to bullying was too much and “toxic”? Or your emotional outbursts were unrelated to bullying?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Tee.

Dear canary,

My father did send me that message. In fact, the main reason I got bullied was for my body & facial hair. My dad told me that having facial hair is normal, that I should deal with the comments and he believed that not allowing me to remove the facial hair would make me stronger as I got older.

What did your mother say? Did she agree with your father? It’s interesting that on one hand, you were allowed to skip school (your mother allowed it, perhaps without even telling your father about it?), and then you weren’t allowed to remove your facial hair because that will “make you stronger”. Could it be that your mother was too permissive, but not really able to help you deal with your fears, while your father was strict and lacked empathy?

If your father had the last word in a rather female problem of removing facial/body hair, does that mean that your mother didn’t really have a say in your home? And she “protected” you by allowing you to skip school in secret? If your father knew about it, he would have forced you to go to school, without showing much understanding for your anxiety?

I think the outbursts were a mix of things. Unrelated to the bullying, but the bullying was the source of my outburst. For example, I was insecure and did not want to take pictures with friends, or want to be filmed, because the bullying contributed to my insecurity. When my friends would do that without realizing it, I would react and be upset, that they posted a video or picture of me without my knowledge.

Right. Those outbursts were the result of bullying – you didn’t want to appear in common photos or videos, because you felt so insecure about yourself. A part of your insecurity and frustration is that you weren’t allowed to remove your facial hair, due to your strict father. You were forced to “toughen up” in a situation where a more permissive attitude (allowing you to remove the unwanted hair) might have been a better approach. At the same time, you weren’t taught how to become emotionally less reactive and “toughen up” in a healthy sense, by developing coping skills for your fears and anxiety, or by dealing with the bullies.

It seems to me you got poor parenting both from your mother, who was permissive but powerless, and your father, who was strict and lacking empathy. Would you say that this is true?

I was taught that being sensitive and emotional was bad and weird. I tried so hard to get rid of that part of me, but when I knew I couldn’t I learned to accept it. I just don’t feel appreciated for being myself.

Being emotional and sensitive isn’t bad – it’s necessary for empathy. However, being overly emotional and unable to control our emotional reactions isn’t the best. As I already said, it seems to me you weren’t taught how to deal with your fears and anxiety, and then you were criticized for being so emotionally reactive. You were criticized for something that wasn’t your fault.

You don’t need to get rid of your emotional, loving, gentle side, who gets immersed in the beauty of nature. What you need though is better emotional regulation, which will allow you not to be so insecure and sensitive to people’s reactions. And you need to know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You just didn’t get the proper upbringing and proper tools….  but you are making up for it now.