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Feeling terrible after breaking it off

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  • December 11, 2016 at 12:08 pm #122450
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lorraine:

    In your first thread here, September this year, you were at the end of a four month long relationship. The relationship was good during those months only not right, you couldn’t see a future with him, although you liked him. The breakup was mutual but you cried a lot following the breakup.

    This seems to be a repeat: four good dates with a guy you like, a breakup because you don’t quite see a future with him and then, again “feeling terrible after breaking if off.”

    If you see this as a repetition of sorts- what are your thoughts?

    anita

    December 12, 2016 at 9:26 pm #122574
    Rebecca
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    You’re right, this is a repetition. Thank you so much for your kind insight, I really appreciate you taking the time to consider my old posts 🙂

    I do believe I have a problem with commitment. Interestingly, I also initially said “no” to the only bf I’ve ever had. Only after a few more weeks of dating did I agree to enter in a relationship with him (which lasted over a year). This problem goes way back. I also remember initially saying “no” to my prom date in HS then texting him the next day to say yes.

    I am sure I want a serious relationship/marriage, but I have a very difficult time letting people into my life. When I am single I feel secure, balanced, and in control of my own happiness. I find that relationships (especially bad ones) make things spin out of control. I am sensitive and hurt easily by those I choose to open my life to. That is why I am so careful, and why I feel I must know someone well (and have them know me) in order to commit to a relationship.

    I do have a handful of friendships that are healthy and meaningful, so I know I must be capable of this for a romantic relationship. But dating always feels like it is on the fast track for me. It’s terrifying. When this guy asked me to be his gf last week, I felt like his words were coming from a stranger. And instead of taking a risk, I ran the other direction. I liked him, but I didn’t feel close/safe with him, which is why I said no.

    But clearly, I’m not happy right now. Nor was I after the last relationship as you mentioned. And yet, in both cases I played an active role in “breaking things off.” So I think I have things to work on. Perhaps I need to allow myself to trust others more easily.

    I know i’ve written a lot, mostly just thinking out loud here (which is helping). but thanks again.

    December 13, 2016 at 4:50 am #122589
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Lorraine,

    Imagine this: Let’s say you asked someone to be your BF right off the bat and they said “No” for the same reasons you did. After that you would think, “Oh, they take a long time to form a connection” and the guy wouldn’t cry over it afterwards (probably). So don’t beat yourself up for saying “No”. It sounds more like you’re saying “Wait” anyway.

    Also (my mother taught me this) when a man knows what (who) he wants he doesn’t mess around. He pursues right away.

    So clearly you have the “There’s Something About Mary” effect on these guys. You won’t miss out. Continue to be truthful and clear about what you want (time) with no guilt.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    December 13, 2016 at 10:52 am #122613
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lorraine:

    Because you are afraid to not be in control in the context of a relationship, there is no other way but to be careful about the choosing of the man to get involved with, the timing, the pace of it. You do have to learn who the man is before committing.

    It is like being afraid to cross the street for fear of being hit by a passing car. The solution is not to trust that you will not be hit and just do it, if you could at all bring yourself to do that-

    The solution is to look for a safe place to cross the street, to look both ways, carefully, paying attention, listening to traffic sounds, and so forth.

    So with the latest guy, since you liked him and he asked you to be his girlfriend only after the fourth date, instead of breaking up with him, I would have told him that I need to get to know him better, over a longer period of time, before you can commit to such.

    anita

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