Alright Brooke,

I’m gonna give it to you straight from a guy’s perspective.

He’s not serious about you and probably never was. You are probably great eye candy for him and he can probably brag about his hot girlfriend to his friends and blah blah blah. Listen, this dude is neeeehhhever gonna propose or actually marry you. No matter how much you pressure him to make a real move instead of words, he will always dodge it and find a way to weasel out of it and make it your fault.

I’m just some guy on the internet so take my opinion for what it’s worth, but Brooke, since you’re attractive, go out and find a winner who will put a ring on it. I’m sure it won’t be hard to find a great guy who makes you laugh and doesn’t act like a brat. Please, save yourself some time, and break up with this bum. No matter what excuse or clever phrase he uses, break up with him. If you stick to your guns and break this relationship, he may actually respect you for once. You’re worth more than that.

Dear Brooke:

This is my understanding of your situation: distressed by anxiety you tried to control him and the relationship, exert power over him aggressively, fighting with him, demanding him to produce results that will make you feel safe. Intimidated by you, he accommodated you in the past, but it was never enough because your anxiety kept going, leading you to more fighting, more efforts to control.

He is currently not intimidated by you and so, you lost what control you had over him. He made the right decision, to no longer be controlled and to disengage from fighting.

You wrote that you went to counseling regarding your anxiety. I hope you keep going. If you reduce and manage your anxiety without reacting to it by fighting and demanding, if you let him be, if you practice the Win-Win principle in your relationship with him (you don’t control him, that is him Losing), then there is a chance for this relationship to work out.

There needs to be no more fighting. No more aggression in your relationship.

anita

Hi Brooke,

I sympathize with your situation and especially the not wanting to “give up just yet.” I think that if you aren’t ready to give up, that’s ok. However, I wanted to comment on some things that you said. First, you said that he’s told you, repeatedly it sounds like, that he needs time and he wants to take things slow. When you continuously bring up that you are unhappy with his request, that is not giving things time. In other words you are not respecting his needs. I know that it’s very hard to back off from the situation, especially when you want it to work out, but that is essentially what he is asking you to do. You are feeling insecure with the relationship the way it is now and by asking him about it often you are seeking reassurance from him. When he says that he doesn’t know what you want him to say, it’s because he’s already told you how he feels and what he wants. He knows what he wants and how he feels with regards to the relationship, now you have to decide how you feel and what you want. Are you willing to actually give things time? If you are, then I would suggest that when you guys do see each other, try to be present and enjoy the time you do get to spend with him without worrying about the future. In the meantime, what can you do to cope? I think right now would be a great time for you to keep figuring out who you are. The time after college can be very challenging and stressful because of all the changes that take place, but you can also use this time to really get to know yourself and try new things that perhaps you wouldn’t try if you lived with your boyfriend. What do you want? You mentioned that your boyfriend is thriving at work and that he works out every day.  What are you doing with your day to day? One last thing that I think is important to mention…it is not your boyfriend’s (or anyone’s) responsibility to make you happy. That is a very heavy burden for anyone to bear. The only person who can make you happy is really you. I think that you going to counseling is a great start and I hope you continue to go!

At the end of the day you are really the only one who can decide what you are willing to put up with and how long you are willing to wait. Don’t stay involved in the relationship out of fear. If your boyfriend decides he doesn’t want to commit like before, you will be ok.

I hope this helps!

Ana